Writing Jealousy

[Shy]

[size=1]I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking when I wrote this. I just wanted to write something more descriptive than what I'm used to doing in the newspaper. If nothing else, I consider this a writing exercise that I gave myself. Comment and critique, please.[/size]


Mr. Williams begins lurking through the rows of desks to pass out graded assignments. He has gone by me several times already without giving handing me anything. I begin to worry if he lost some of my work, or if he forgot to do whatever it is that he is handing to us. Suddenly he approaches me from behind. He drops two papers on my desk and walks away. I examine the papers closely; both have been graded with a vague checkmark, symbolic of my satisfactory work. This fills me with a sense of relief.

Now if someone asks I can show them the papers and explain that I got a paper and was not left out. They will show me their papers and there will be an instant connection between us. We have something to talk about: we could compare our papers, or talk about the experience of getting them back. It doesn?t matter who they are or how much better they are than me because we are both equal when it comes to receiving papers in Government class. There is something that we have in common now, and I can no longer complain about how different I am than everyone else in the room. Everyone who gets their papers back is the same.

Like the dark-haired man who sits next to me. Well, he isn?t old enough to be considered a man, but it seems more appropriate to call him a man than to call him a child. At least, it suits me better to think ?What a man!? when he walks into the classroom. He will take off his dark sunglasses that he wore in the hallway and reveal his beautiful blue eyes to me, to everyone. Sometimes I wonder if he wears contact lenses, because the contrast between his blue eyes and tan skin is almost unnatural. I figure he must spend a lot of time at the beach, and put no more thought into it because I am too distracted by the rest of his body. He moves his arm to grab a pencil and his biceps slightly bulge through his spotless white shirt. It is as if his clothing was designed to perfectly compliment his upper body. Perfect.

This is the complete opposite of my shirts. They hang at my neck and drape downwards like a circus tent. For a moment I am envious of him, for a moment I want to be him. He is everything I want ? or more correctly, he is everything that I ?m not, everything that I can never be.

Mr. Williams walks to the dark-haired man?s desk and drops three papers on top of it. ?Good work Mr. Partridge.? They share a glance, and the bell rings. Mr. Partridge puts on his dark sunglasses and leaves the room while I look at my papers with embarrassment. They weren?t ?Good work,? they weren?t even worth mentioning. Full of frustration I open and slide in the two papers. I hate them.

[size=1]-Shy[/size]

[Heaven's Cloud]

[color=indigo]Although I rarely comment on member's writings, I thought I would drop a comment in this thread. Although this is far from the best writing that you have posted on the Otaku (or on your Angry Student Blog), I think this essay could definatly blossom with a little fine tuning.

Well, I'm a fan, so keep writing and I shall keep reading.[/color]

[Sara]

[size=1]That's...really good. Heh.

[color=white]There are a few punctuation errors, and a couple places where you left words out.[/color]

I like the second paragraph. It..heh. It really reminds me of you, I guess. *smiles, faintly embarrassed* Some of the things you've written me, and snippets of conversation, and other things. [i]We are all equal when it comes to receiving papers in Government class.[/i] Interesting point.[/size]

[Shy]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Heaven's Cloud [/i]
[B][color=indigo]Although I rarely comment on member's writings, I thought I would drop a comment in this thread. Although this is far from the best writing that you have posted on the Otaku (or on your Angry Student Blog), I think this essay could definatly blossom with a little fine tuning.

Well, I'm a fan, so keep writing and I shall keep reading.[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]
[size=1]I'm honored that you actually read my writing, heh. Judging from the responses I normally get from my writing, it only seemed like two or three people ever looked at my stuff. But yeah, I know this is far from my best writing. I'm not even sure what the purpose of this entire thing is. Random writing is good, heh. Thanks for replying.[/size]
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Sara [/i]
[B][size=1]That's...really good. Heh.

[color=white]There are a few punctuation errors, and a couple places where you left words out.[/color]

I like the second paragraph. It..heh. It really reminds me of you, I guess. *smiles, faintly embarrassed* Some of the things you've written me, and snippets of conversation, and other things. [i]We are all equal when it comes to receiving papers in Government class.[/i] Interesting point.[/size] [/B][/QUOTE]
[size=1]Well, I exaggerated certain aspects of my Government class, but I belive that I'm entitled to a Poetic License, or something.
[color=white]I didn't realize you posted in white text until I wuoted your post. Yeah, I noticed some errors too. I hate looking over my own writing, though.[/color]
I kind of just rambled on in my paragraphs until I realized how it was going to tie back around in the end. I'm not sure if it is a very good ending or not. I could easily write more before and after it. Maybe I'll clean it up and actually turn it into something of value, who knows?

-Shy[/size]

[Mnemolth]

How like a wayward child, at once insightful and idiotic. :D

B

PS: A more detailed critique may be forthcoming if required, but I get the feeling you understand what I mean. ;)

[Shy]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mnemolth [/i]
[B]How like a wayward child, at once insightful and idiotic. :D

B

PS: A more detailed critique may be forthcoming if required, but I get the feeling you understand what I mean. ;) [/B][/QUOTE]
[size=1]I'm good at the idiotic stuff... not too sure about the other one, though.

And how could I pass up the chance to get a formal critique from [strike]Manmoth[/strike] you? I would appreciate it.

-Shy[/size]

[Mnemolth]

Okay, remember, you asked for it so deck yourself out in your heavest armor. ;)

The first line is very important. It should capture the imagination and peak the interest of the reader. Your first line was good, but the use of te word 'lurking' was inappropriate, and this kinda colours the rest of the piece. One does not 'lurk' in plain view. Another verb would be better. You can try "weaving" or "pacing" or even "bouncing" if you want a slightly humourous take. For example, you might use "Mr. Williams begins [b]pacing[/b] through the rows of desks, stopping now and then to pass out graded assignments".

"This fills me with a sense of relief" should be enhanced by a metaphor or simile. This is an important part of the piece so a little more description would not go astray, something akin to "This fills me with a sense of relief, my fix of ordinariness for the day".

Also "Full of frustration I open and slide in the two papers". Open what? And "slide" doesn't really convey a sense of frustration does it? You might say something like, "Full of frustration I snap open my folder and toss in the two papers."

But its still a good piece. Its just that I could have been better. Also you should know I'm probably not the easiest of markers. :)

What you did well was capturing that teenage sense of inadequacy and universal disorientation, that uneasy uncertain twilight of childhood.

[Shy]

[size=1]Thanks a lot for going over this. I will definitely put some of these suggestions into my writing.[/size] :whoops:
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mnemolth [/i]
[B]Okay, remember, you asked for it so deck yourself out in your heavest armor. ;)

The first line is very important. It should capture the imagination and peak the interest of the reader. Your first line was good, but the use of te word 'lurking' was inappropriate, and this kinda colours the rest of the piece. One does not 'lurk' in plain view. Another verb would be better. You can try "weaving" or "pacing" or even "bouncing" if you want a slightly humourous take. For example, you might use "Mr. Williams begins [b]pacing[/b] through the rows of desks, stopping now and then to pass out graded assignments".

"This fills me with a sense of relief" should be enhanced by a metaphor or simile. This is an important part of the piece so a little more description would not go astray, something akin to "This fills me with a sense of relief, my fix of ordinariness for the day".

Also "Full of frustration I open and slide in the two papers". Open what? And "slide" doesn't really convey a sense of frustration does it? You might say something like, "Full of frustration I snap open my folder and toss in the two papers."[/quote][/b]
[size=1]I meant to say "Full of frustration I open my [b]backpack[/b] and slide in two papers. Sometimes I skip words when I write. I tend to think a lot faster than my 40 wpm typing speed. ^_^[/size]
[quote][b]But its still a good piece. Its just that I could have been better. Also you should know I'm probably not the easiest of markers. :)[/quote][/b]
[size=1]It helps me out a lot when people like you, Sara and HC critique my writing. Obviously, you are three of the most talented writers on OB, so I'm learning from the masters.[/size]
[quote][b]What you did well was capturing that teenage sense of inadequacy and universal disorientation, that uneasy uncertain twilight of childhood. [/B][/QUOTE]
[size=1]Oh yeah, of nothing else I can safely say that I am a master of inadequacy.[color=white][i]Oh Shy.[/color][/i]

I guess this is based off of some personal experience I have had in my own Government class. I think everyone feels like the world is against them at one point or another, so hopefully I'm not completely alienating myself by writing this.

-Shy[/size]

[Lady Macaiodh]

[color=darkblue][size=1]I think I just learned more about you by reading that than I have in the past two years I've been here.

Don't we all just love writing that way?

As for the writing itself, I wouldn't dare critique someone else's work. Never been my style. But I liked it, and I hardly like anything.[/color][/size]