Writing The Valley of Fears

[Charles]

Well, as I was telling Mitch and Lady Asphyxia, one of my poems is supposedly going to get published--and it just happens to be the one listed below. It's a semi finalist in a poetry competition according to the letter I've received. But, we'll see.

I just figured I should post it, so that people don't get to see my middle name whenever I direct them towards the site. lol

This basically continues my trend of poems that explore depressing urban plight.

[size=1]Visceral fears copulate with unfettered tears
Impetuous cries fall short of apathetic ears
Rivulets of doom quench a blind shepherd's thirst
Unwilling to see truth when truth is painfully clear
Slipping in and out of this hell, all fallen angels, we the cursed
Live rejected in this endless living nightmare
Bring grief to a world that refuses to care
Now stalking through this valley we stumble and fall
In the ruins of greatness reduced to a crawl
Former symbols of human ingenuity lie in inequality's wake
Graffiti art plots this place for expression's sake
A fleshless triggerman moving between twisted iron bars
Killing the hope of a people as distant to us as the stars
But through this silence, this silence in the air
Lies a remedy to this silent despair
Although equality is but a myth between us
Despite everything that is unequal between us
We all have the ability to reach inside, to aspire
To stand on tiptoes and touch these stars
Because faith is no liar.[/size]

[Mitch]

[size=1] Not too bad. It has too many big, stopping words in it for me, though. And it could use stanzas, I think. It all comes together as one coagulated mess, and it needs some breathing room. A lot of the lines could be shortened, and some are quite effective as they are.

I didn't like the way you ended it, and I didn't like how this poem bounced around a lot. Focus is a great thing to have, Charles, with poetry. And stanzas allow focus to be lost a bit. That's why I'd recommened, maybe, just for kicks, that you go through this, give it stanzas (breathing room), some shortening (and a little cut of the verbosity of it too, that really just didn't fit the poem in some places, but, vice versa-ish, it worked amazingly well in other cases).

That's a lot of poetry. Focus, I think. Giving one image, and managing to grow out of it abstractly, and in a way that makes all of the images blend together like a BLT, or something. Basically, it's like tweaking a car. This poem is pretty good as it stands, it is, but it could be a lot better from what I see. I see lots of potential. Eh, that about does it, I guess.[/size]

[The Vampire: Ed]

Well, in my opinion, and I hope this does not offend anyone, I think this is probably the best poem I have read on this board in a long time. This has a very deep meaning to it that few poems possess anymore, and I think it's done very well.

I personally do not think it's necessary to change a thing. It's perfect the way it is, and I see nothing wrong with it. Great work.

I hope it wins, good luck.

[Epsilon]

That was a great one I really liked it. I really like the part about killing hopes of the peolpe, I love that part.

[Guest Majin Buu]

Poems confuse me.. What does your poem say anyway like youll have to translate it for me :), Anyways i like all poems that have big fancy words.. That confuse me thats what i think makes a great poem it makes you sound smart.