Writing Wonderful Lego Land (fixed)

[Brasil]

?Wonderful Lego Land?


In the Lego Land Of Wonders,
All was well.
All was peaceful.

In the Lego Land Of Wonders,
Beauty was all around.
There was beauty in the Dark Lego Woods,
Scary as they were.
There was beauty in the Royal Lego Plains.

In the Lego Land Of Wonders,
All was well.
All was peaceful.

There were glorious Lego Sunsets,
Full of fiery Lego Reds
And golden Lego Yellows.

During the daytime and afternoon,
The Lego Skies would be set ablaze with a glorious Lego Rainbow,
And the Lego Rainbow would be set against a cloudless blue Lego Sky.

In the Lego Land Of Wonders,
There lived the Good Lego King Harry in his Royal Lego Castle.
Hail, Good Lego King Harry!
Long live, Good Lego King Harry!
Good Lego King Harry watched over his loyal Lego Subjects with affection
In the most grand Lego Style,
And his loyal Lego Subjects were quite happy with their Good Lego King Harry.

They lived out their Lego Lives
In their Lego Houses with their
Lego Cats who chased the Lego Mouses.

They tended their Lego Gardens,
And watered the Lego Plants,
And plucked those vile, Lego Weeds.

The Lego Gardens were bountiful,
Producing delicious Lego Vegetables
And sweet Lego Fruits.

Good Lego King Harry was a good king,
He made sure everyone of his loyal Lego Subjects had plenty to eat, everywhere.
His royal Lego Parties were most excellent and all made merry.
Some made merry too much, and found themselves
Bowing down to the Porcelain Lego God,
Vomiting up the fine Lego Wines
Into their fine Lego Toilets.

Indeed, those loyal Lego Subjects made merry,
But not all was well, despite what some Lego Scribes may say.

There was one who was spiteful of these joyous Lego Festivities.
He was an evil wizard named Lorenzo The Hideous.
He did not enjoy hearing this revelry, did not indeed.
In fact, he hated Good Lego King Harry,
And hated his loyal Lego Subjects.
?I must find a way to destroy them, methinks,?
Lorenzo The Hideous plotted,
?I?ll curse their children, grind their grannies up to make my bread.
Why, I?ll even steal their fine Lego Wines and get drunk out of my head.
Yes, that will show those silly folk that it is quite
Foolish and unwise to laugh and to joke.?

Lorenzo The Hideous then plotted and thought,
He laughed some more and cursed a lot.
His cat, Mordolva, hid from her master,
For being near to him now surely spelt disaster.

Mordolva was a fine looking cat, with a sly grin to boot.
Like her master, she also hated the Who?s.
I must correct the narration, they were not Who?s.
They were simple and nice Lego Folk, who enjoyed
Fine wine and a fun little joke.

But Mordolva was not as evil as her master,
And thus hid from him, as he got plastered.
For when he was drunk, he got quite mad,
Obnoxious and rude, much like a dad.
He ranted and raved, then fell asleep on the couch,
To awaken the next day with a horrible ouch.

Before Lorenzo passed out, he came up with a plan,
Which he mumbled and scribbled on a parchment,
Before falling into bed. The parchment did read,

I?LL DESTROY THOSE LEGO PEOPLES,
I WILL, YOU?LL SEE.
WITH AN EYE OF NEWT,
SOME SPIDER LEGS,
A CAN OF BEANS,
AND A LITTLE PUPPY DOG TAIL,
I WILL CONCOCT A POTION TO WIPE THEM OUT.
I WILL?I?LL?SHOW?THEM?I?will?

He awoke the next morning as the Lego Lark sang,
?Away with ye,? he grumbled and turned the Lark into a shoe.
It tried to sing but could only sound ?pooh.?

Lorenzo rose, quite bare bottomed, indeed,
A sight for sore eyes though most would not look.

He dressed in a dastardly wicked robe,
Covered in black and nightshade cloth.
He cackled as he stroked his long, black beard and said,
?Ah, a bright new day and with the sun?s rise,
Darkness shall fall. Today is the day I curse those Legos.?

A little bird silently listened outside his window,
Shocked at what she was hearing.
She flew off the scraggly mountaintop,
That was so covered in dead trees and withered bush,
Headed to the kingdom of Good Lego King Harry
To warn him of the new danger.

She reached the king?s Royal Lego Castle in a matter of seconds, and was pleased to see that Good Lego King Harry was not hung over like the evil wizard Lorenzo.

She flew into his chamber window and onto his bedpost,
Where she averted her eyes as his Lovely Lego Lady dressed.

?Hello, little one, how do you find yourself?? the Lovely Lego Lady asked in a voice that was like honey.

?Oh, Lovely Lego Lady, an evil wizard, Lorenzo The Hideous, is plotting a heinous scheme,? the bird whistled, ?he wishes to destroy Good Lego King Harry and usurp his lands with black magic. I have come to warn the good king.?

?Fear not, little one, for Harry knows well what to do, and will summon his closest knights and most powerful allies in all the land to aid him in defending his Royal Lego Castle against an evil and corrupt sorcerer.? The Lovely Lego Lady assured the little bird.

?Love,? Good Lego King Harry said as he entered the chamber
And slid up alongside his lady,
?What say you of our daily plans today?
Shall we ride through the Golden Forests Of Ewing,
Or lay in bed content with each other,
Nibbling and tasting on delicacies??

And to this, the Lovely Lego Lady did respond in kind,
?Oh, my Lord, I wish to spend the entire day with you,
Laying in our bed and enjoying loving company.
But now, speak not of these strange bedside manners
In the presence of others.?

At this point, Good Lego King Harry noticed the little bird
And addressed as such,
?Oh, and what have we here?
Come, little bird, what be your business with my lady??

The Lovely Lego Lady, unsure of feeling behind the words,
Made the honest nature of the little bird known and said,
?Oh, Lord, this little bird wishes to warn you of a
Threat of evil and great danger against your honor.
Speak, little one, do not afear.?

Good Lego King Harry then bid the little bird speak.

The little bird did whistle and tell Good Lego King Harry about
Lorenzo The Hideous and his foul plot to destroy him.

Though Good Lego King Harry was taken aback by such a message,
He knew what to do, for he was king, and kings have knowledge about such things.

Good Lego King Harry then thanked the little bird dearly
And bid him rest for a few hours.
The little bird cheerfully whistled acceptance
Of Good Lego King Harry?s generous hospitality
And Good Lego King Harry thus called upon his servants
To provide a comfortable arrangement and
Feed and drink for the little bird.

The king then called for a grand Lego Party,
In which many would get plastered,
Sans his most trusted knights and advisors,
For they were to meet for a meeting of the strategical kind.

So, they partied like it was 1499,
And drank Lego Wines, and played Lego Games,
Including baccarat and pool.
They also played games of a more friendly nature,
Games like Lego Strip Poker and Lego Love Spin.

Bed chambers were entered with many of folk,
All eager to join in and start having fun.

But the point of this tale is not to
Become lewd and of a frank nature,
The story to tell is of heroism and deed.

So we shall flash to the meeting
Of Good Lego King Harry and his allies.

?We must act now,? said the good king,
?My Lego Kingdom is in danger,
Which means you are under threat,
As I am your king and you under my debt.
Speak now and pledge
Your undying and unwavering allegiance to I.?

His Lego Knight Sir William Of Headley then spoke.
He said, ?Good Lego King Harry, I pledge my support.
I shall fight for you against the evil that plagues
And should I die, I shall die honorably in your battle.?

This rallied a cry from other warriors in present.

?Hear, hear! We will fight!?
?To our King, we salute!?
?To protect and to serve our lord!?

And with that,
The meeting adjourned, and those followers exeunt,
All but one. The closest and most dear friend to
Our Good Lego King Harry,
A wise Lego Wizard named Marvin.

He wanted to make his worry known,
For there was much danger in warring
With a dark wizard like Lorenzo.
Marvin approached the good king with care,
And spoke in an agreeable manner.

?My Lord, I wish to make sure
That we are not acting in a foolish light
By beginning being side with hostilities
Towards a powerful dark mage such as Lorenzo The Hideous.
I do not call your courage into question,
My liege, but I feel it would be wise to approach
This newly found threat in a respectable and friendly manner at first,
As we do not know truly the scope of Lorenzo?s dark magic.
He is more powerful than we realize, and could be
Hiding dark tools of destruction under cloak.?

Good Lego King Harry was angered by this.
His most trusted and dear ally,
The ancient and wise Marvin, expressing doubts about
His noble and hearty leader and retorted,
?What is this spineless nature you expose?
You betray your king with such cowardly thoughts.
I am aware of the dangers presenting this now,
And I am fully knowledgeable of this evildoer?s properties.
He is questing to destroy us, that is more than clear.
We must avert our bloodshed with his blood.
He will see our mighty strength and fall,
That is how it shall be, for it is written so.?

Then the ancient and wise Lego Wizard Marvin responded,
?But, sire, how do you know of his wickedness?
Have you seen visions??

Good Lego King Harry said,
?A little bird told me.
She warned me of a great danger and
Dastardly plot by the evil and cruel Lorenzo The Hideous.
The little bird told me of his wickedness.?

But Lego Wizard Marvin still was under apprehension.

Good Lego King Harry continued.

?Come, come, wise one.
We shall discuss this further,
But at a later time. Tonight we must rest,
For tomorrow there is much preparation to be had.
I bid you follow.?

Then Good Lego King Harry did exit, expecting Marvin follow.
Marvin did follow, but not after casting a worried glance skyward.

?What have we done?? he asked and hurried out.

The next morn? bustled with talk of war.
Lego Armor clanged,
Lego Swords clashed,
Lego Grunts and Lego Sweat poured from Lego Warriors and Lego Knights.

The cool breeze rustled through the
Lovely green Lego Leaves on the healthy Lego Trees.
The yellow Lego Sun shone bright,
But heat was not known.
And a familiar Lego Rainbow streaked across the blue Lego Sky.

Beautiful, young Lego Maidens served Delicious Lego Lemonade,
And the cute Lego Children ran and played games in the Royal Lego Plains.

As wondrous as the day was, an evil air still cast a funk.
Off in the distance, over the Royal Lego Plains and past the Lego Rainbow,
Even beyond the Dark Lego Woods,
There loomed a ghastly mountain of sorrow.

Some say it has a face, and casts its horrid glare
Down upon the lands of Good Lego King Harry.

Some also say it is a volcano, dormant for many moons.
Volcanic ash still spews into the air,
And fumes create a halo displaced.
The mountain that penetrates into the heavens,
Mocking them defiantly.

It is truly a dark rod of evil.

As the day closed,
Good Lego King Harry sat in his chamber,
Looking out at this mountain of evil.
He was in thought, mesmerized
By the imposing rock in the distance.

?Such dread fills me when gazing at that mount.
Look at the beauty of sunset behind it.
Curséd mount! You blasphemy by violating such a
Perfect sky. Mark my word,
I swear upon my father?s honor,
I will put an end to you, terrible evil.

Tomorrow you shall meet your end.?

Good Lego King Harry closed the curtains and slept his final sleep,
For tomorrow a great battle would rage,
And he would not find joy in it.

The soldiers gathered early,
Eager to engage such a horrid villainous worm
As Lorenzo The Hideous.

Good Lego King Harry strode out majestically to
Rally his troops into frenzy.

?Hear, and listen well!
Today we ride to destroy a plague!
Many moons ago, it was said by the great prophet Elijah,
That one day evil will fall
And the wicked ones will be punished
In a glorious battle.
That day is today.
We have come to end a barbarian,
And succeed we shall!
Onward!?

And with that,
Good Lego King Harry led his warriors to the mountain.

Lorenzo The Hideous was prepared.
Secluded in his mountain peak tower,
Summoned hideous creatures to assault
Good Lego King Harry.
This did not deter Good Lego King Harry,
But did enrage him more, and he shouted at Lorenzo,
?Come, fight, evildoer! Taste my cold steel sword!
If you be a man of valor, come and fight me!
Otherwise, you are of cowardly nature and
I shall defeat you! For I am on the side of good
And wholesome belief!?

Lorenzo listened to the king?s babble and contemplated
His next defensive attack.
?I know how to deal with miserable insects,? he whispered
As he cracked his knuckles and whipped his long, spidery arms around.

?Pain and death I cause,
No remorse I hold,
Death to you all,
May you rot in hell!
Curse be on you and your kin,
As I unleash on you this sin!?

Moans and wails ran ?round the chasm,
Killing trees and withering their roots.
The grounds split open, sending the warriors into its horrible depths.
Screams of agony pierced the king?s ears as his followers
Fell prey to the poison touch of the death wraiths.
Volcanic gas arose from the ground, suffocating all.

Good Lego King Harry looked around in horror.

?What have I done?
Oh, curse you, Lorenzo!
You have sinned and I am punishéd!
Damn you and your horrid kind!?

Good Lego King Harry screamed and
Futilely ran at Lorenzo?s tower.

He had made it to the gate,
But, hark! What bony, skeletal hand grabbed him?

Good Lego King Harry falls!

He does not get up!

Fight, Good Lego King Harry, fight!

He fights! To no benefiting result.

More of those hellish skeletal hands have taken hold of him,
Fingers prying, ripping his armor off,
Shredding his clothes.
What strength they hold.
Good Lego King Harry, farewell
As you are dragged down into those pain depths.

Lorenzo took sight of the king?s demise and cackled maniacally.
He screamed at the battered and beaten troops of the former king.
He said,
?Ah! Look now at your glorious ?king!?
He dwells in pits of hellfire
And is raked by spears and daggers!
Ferocious beasts gnaw on his innards
And his eyes are boiled in pitch!
Now, behold what I hold in store for you bloody masses!?

He chanted and waved his arms,
And bolts of thunderous poison
Came shooting down from the sky,
Immolating all.

Thus, the end came to the curséd quest of Good Lego King Harry.

?Tis End

[Charles]

I really like this; it's interesting.

You took the basic components of a fairy tale (an evil wizard threatening a prosperous kingdom) and presented it with an original twist. The result is a whimsical play on language that uses repetition and humor very effectively.

The trait that I admire about your writing, is that you care about every word you put down--and it shows in the craftsmanship. For instance, it's fabulous how you integrated aspects from Homeric epics into your storytelling. Each character has a constant title attached to them, for us to identify with (i.e., Good Lego King Harry, Lorenzo The Hideous).

All of your characters are genuinely interesting. Even Lorenzo's cat, Mordolva is brought to life with vivid description.

However, I do have some issues with this piece. The rhyme scheme becomes a bit shaky in certain areas. For example:

[quote][b]For when he was drunk, he got quite mad,
Obnoxious and rude, much like a dad.[/b][/quote]

Areas like this are a bit rocky and noticeably weaker than your more clever lines. Although awkward rhythms have the potential to take the reader out of the story, the overall quality and consistency of your work kept me absorbed.

Another gripe I have with your work concerns the audience. Who is the audience here? At first glance, one would think that this is a children's story. But, upon closer inspection, I notice situations that involve hangover induced vomiting, bed talk and mild language that includes words like "hell."

Lastly, I feel that the lego angle could have been played up just a [i]tad[/i] better. Sometimes the concept gets lost, and I don't feel like this is a world of plastic. Lorenzo strokes his beard, for instance and I remember curtains being closed. I'm not entirely sold on the principle that this is a story about lego people. The fact that you continuously remind the reader that this [i]is[/i] indeed a lego world through repetition of the word "lego" saves it.

Overall, I enjoyed the story; it was fun. Like most, if not all of your work, it's incredibly clever and somewhat startling.

[Dragonstar]

:D O_o Looo-ooong... And yet, I liked it, heh heh. This is really good. I kept getting tangled up in the "Good Lego King Harry" lines... *blinks* my eyes hurt... :D

[OtakuSennen]

Hehe.. *rolls on floor laughing* I always love reading those lego stories.. But I think I need my eyes checked. That was long... X_X

So PoisonTongue, YOU wrote that, right? It sounds familiar.. My brother loves legos and I always hear these lego stories..

[Brasil]

Yes, I wrote this.

I should hope you are not accusing me of plagiarism or intellectual theft.

Are you?

I welcome the argument, of course. But I do let you know, people did see it as I was writing it...looking over my shoulder, in a sense.

[OtakuSennen]

No, I'm not accusing you of anything. It just sounded familiar.

I believe you.