Writing Satire

[Roxie Faye]

[color=#9933ff]As our final writing assignment for the year in my Languate Arts (there's a diff. between that and english in my school. LA is both english AND reading) class, we had to write a short stry. Mine has a lot of sattire (inside jokes) in it. My teacher said some times the jokes worked, sometimes they didn't. I wanted everyone's feedback, how I can imporve, and please, tell me which inside jokes you did NOT get. I would really like everyone's feedback. Remember: you can still say it sucked, but in a nicer way. By the same token, I WANT FEEDBACK! If you couldn't find anything wrong with it, tell me your fav. part, or why you liked it so much. I don't want mindless comments like "it wuz gr8." -_- I also wanted to say, some of my teachers and stuff are in here, and our graduation was at the high school, but we're graduating from middle school. They have an auditorium and we don't, that's why. BTW, Mr. Wordsman was our graduation coordiantor. Yes, our Graduatio nwas coordinated. We got to skip class, and have graduation practice. Mr. Wordsman gave signals to sit down and stand up together, for the choir, for various people, and he even told us when to clap. Anyways, here's the story:

[b]Author?s Note: This was meant to be entirely cliche, corny and cheezy. It?s done all in good fun and inside jokes. Don't say I didn't warn you.[/b]

This had all started a week earlier...

A new kid had arrived in the seventh grade a week before school had ended. ?Piranha? as we nicknamed one of our friends, commented on how stupid it was to transfer to a new school two weeks before it ended.

?Well, I guess his parents are pretty dumb for doing that, then,? I added.

Sapphire asked, ?What?s his name, anyway? I think I forgot already.?

?Does it really matter? He?s in seventh grade anyways. It?s not like anyone cares,? Water Angel pointed out.

?True, true. I see...,? Lumi responded.

?...Said the blind man to the deaf man in the corner who told the dead man who got up and did the jig,? Sapphire finished, with a laugh.

[i]Ring![/i]

The late bell going off, indicating the students should be in their next classes. It didn?t matter that we were late, we had lunch anyways. Or maybe it did, because according to MickyG, lunch is the worst class to be late for. Oh. Well, in any event, we all dispersed to our lockers momentarily. A couple bangs were heard, as I attempted to open my own.

?ARGH!!! YOU STUPID THING!!!? I yelled at it, still knowing it would do no good. Then, with one well placed kick, the locker came flying open, and fish, yes, SARDINES came swimming out of my locker like a waterfall, along with seawater. I turned around to see my friend running down the hall towards the cafeteria. ?LUMI!!!!? I shouted, running in her general direction, picking up the squeaky mallet from my locker along the way, all the while, thoroughly wet.

And there, in the cafeteria were the four of them, snickering at the sight of me. I took up the squeaky mallet, and bopped Lumi on the head with it.

?Ahh!!! I?ve been boppified by teh squ34k4y ma113t0R! You didn?t just hurt me here,? she said pointed to her head, ?but you hurt me here,? Lumi finished by pointing to her heart.

?Yah, yah, we all know it hurt you here,? Water Angel pointed to her own heart.

?AAAAND , I?m back with my traditional chicken patty and French fries. Oh, escusez moi, I mean [i]freedom[/i] fries,? Sapphire announced, back with her lunch. She took one bite out of it, and immediately spit out, spraying bits and pieces all over the table.

I spotted Lumi pouring Tabasco sauce on Water Angel?s cucumber sandwich, but I turned my attention to the speaker, ironically Water Angel.

?Whoaaa, Sapph. say it, don?t spray, girlfriend!? The last word was in mock ghetto.

?There?s something wrong with my sandwich, though,? complained Sapphire loudly.

?Well duh, that?s a given, school lunches are horrible,? Piranha interjected.

?No, no, no. I mean, there?s REALLY something wrong with it. I?ve eaten chicken patty sandwiches almost every day of this school year, and none of them have tasted like this. Like they put something in here that shouldn?t be...?

I inspected the sandwich, removing the patty from the two buns. ?Well, there?s you problem. There?s a micro chip in it!? And I pulled out a black micro chip, that fit in the palm of my hand. One edge was a little damaged from almost being chewed on.

?A micro chip?!?? Everyone gasped. It was something straight out of a sci fi movie.

?Yeap. If we asked Izzy about it, we could probably find out more.? I told everyone.

Lumi flicked my forehead, ?One problem, genius, Izzy?s an Anime character.?

?Oh. Right.... RIIIIGHT. But we can still say ?You?ve got... MAIL!? followed by a ?GO IZZY!? Right??

Lumi rolled her eyes. ?Yes, YES!? I started to open my mouth, but she interrupted, knowing what I was about to say. ?And we can still say ?The closest thing my grandmother has to a computer is an egg timer.? OKAY?!??

?Yes, yes, fine, fine. Sheesh. Don?t have a fit.?

?AHEM back to this CHIP, PLEASE?!?? Piranha interrupted again.

Water Angel suggested, ?Well... we could take it to Mr. Ryan to have it checked out, but I know he?s really busy a lot.?

?That?s okay! As long as we?ve got the internet, we can solve anything!? Lumi offered us cheezily, standing up on her chair. A cafeteria monitor made her get off it, though.

Piranha said, sarcastically, ?Really? We can solve anything??

?Yup. Sure can. We?ll be walking down the street, someone comes up to us, asks ?So where?d you get that shirt?? and we?ll say, ?Internet.? ?So, how are you?? ?Internet.? ?So, I?ll see ya later.? ?Internet.? See? We can do it.? Everyone went silent. ?Okay, so maybe not.?

?But we all agree to research this chip online, right?? I said, affirming the plan.

?Right,? everyone said.


A week later, it was a Wednesday. Graduation day. And none of us had cracked the code on the micro chip. But... it felt so incomplete, somehow. Like this was my final homework assignment at Valley Middle School, and before I left, I had to complete it. I had already gotten dressed in my gown, and put a little make-up on. I was now back at my computer, online, researching the micro chip.

?Roxie, we?ve got to go! It?s time to get to the high school for graduation!? my mom said.

?One minute!? I looked up one last page. It was what I had been looking for. It contained a picture of a micro chip similar to the one in the sandwich, and on the page, it said that the micro chip was like a radio tower, sending out a signal... for a bomb. You could program the bomb to go off at any time, the website said, and it would, because of the micro chip?s signal. ?Oh $%*^,? I said. I had to tell everyone this.

It seemed like my mom?s Toyota wouldn?t go any faster. It was an eternity before we got to the high school. I raced out of the car, and told mom I?d see her later, and went to find my friends. Alas, it was another ten minutes before I located them.

?Guys, guys! I found out what the micro chip is for!?

?You did?? Piranha looked ecstatic.

?Don?t be so happy. It acts as a signal to set off a bomb.?

Sapphire threw up her hands, exasperated. ?Wonderful. WONDERFUL. So this bomb is probably at Valley (our middle school), right?? She didn?t wait for a response. ?SO THERE?S NOW A BOMB AT VALLEY AND IT?S GOING TO BLOW UP THE SCHOOL?!??

Piranha covered Sapphire?s mouth, and Water Angel said, ?Gee, be a little louder why don?t you, and make everyone worried that there?s a bomb at Valley.?

I added, ?Yah. People are already looking at us.? I smiled at them, and informed the masses that we were only joking around. ?We?ve GOT to get to Valley tonight!?

?Why now? Can?t we wait until tomorrow?? inquired Piranha. ?I mean, it hasn?t gone off for a week, why would it go off now??

?WHY? I?ll tell you why. Because it?s graduation night. When would anyone else pull a thing like this? It?s the perfect time! So we?re going to Valley, NOW. Even if we have to walk.? I said defiantly, pulling everyone with me by their gowns.

We ran to the high school's parking lot. It had taken five minutes.

Sapphire pointed out honestly, ?This is never going to work, Roxie!?

?You?re right.? I finally admitted my defeat.

?I?ve got an idea, though,? Lumi said, as we walked about the parking lot. ?Anyone got a bobby pin?? Piranha pulled out two. ?Good.? After a few moments, she pulled the door of her mom?s car open. ?Everyone, get inside. I?m hotwiring her car.?

And so she did. Getting down to Valley by car only took five minutes more.

Racing inside the school via the cafeteria, Water Angel looked at her watch and moaned. ?Graduation already started!?

?All the better to get a move on,? I replied. ?And no one say, ?All the better to eat you with as well,?? I glared at them all as I ran through the halls checking every room.

We had all split up, looking in different rooms, on the main floor, and the 7th and 8th grade wings. Then, five voices all said ?Nothing,? in turn.

We all knew what that meant. It was in the 6th grade wing upstairs. Nodding our heads, we dashed up the stairs once more, checking classrooms left and right.

?I found it, I found it!? exclaimed Water Angel, looking in room 13.

As a reflex almost, Lumi asked, ?So can we go in to disable it??

?No, we can?t go inside,? Sapphire said sternly.

?But why not??

?Because there?s a BOMB in room 13! Do YOU want to get blown apart accidentally??

?Yeah, let?s go!? Everyone looked at Lumi.

?Um? No!? We all shouted.

?That?s what I said! I said no!? she covered up for herself. ?What do you mean, I said ?yes?? you must be going crazy. I never said yes. What is yes?? We all sweatdropped.

?But if we don?t go inside, we can?t do anything about it!? I informed them logically. So we all went inside the room towards the bomb, finally agreeing to Lumi?s plan. Oddly enough, she was right, nothing did happen. O_o Out of no where, the mission impossible theme song started playing over the loud speaker, with a ?Dun dun na na na. Na na da na nun. Dun dun na na na. Na na da na nun. Dananuuun. Dananuuun. Dun dun na na na.?

?...I won?t even ASK about the music.? I said, my eyebrow raised to the ceiling. ?AHH!!! WHERE?D MY EYEBROWS GO!?

Lumi poked me in the ribs, ?Get serious!?

?Which wire do we clip?? Piranha asked, which scissors in hand, opening and closing them, looking possessed.

?Try the red one!? suggested Sapphire.

?Why?? Water Angel looked at her like she was nuts.

?I dunno,? she shrugged. ?They clipped the red one in [u]Lethal Weapon[/u] and probably every other movie involving bombs.?

"And did you notice, nothing's really like it EVER is, in the movies?!?" Water Angel glared at the insane Sapphire.

Lumi said, though, ?If we destroy the chip, it?ll go off for sure. That's why whoever planted the bomb put it in a sandwich, so it would blow up. Anyways, if we clip the red one, and we?re wrong, it?ll blow up. What will destroy it completely, though, is if we break it in half. If only we had a chainsaw!?

Just then, a man wearing all black, with a white mask and a chainsaw in the doorway. Like in the [u]Jason[/u] movies. We all screamed loudly.

?Did someone say they needed a chainsaw?? the guy asked.

?Yes! We do!? I exclaimed. ?Please, cut that bomb in half, would you??

?Sure thing, miss.? And with that, the bomb was in two. Deactivated. He kid took off his mask to reveal short brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. He was young, probably 20 or so. ?Sorry if I scared all of you. My name?s Rob. Who are you guys anyway??

?You?re Rob?? Water Angel asked. ?THE ROB??

?No no no, Water, that?s the rock,? I said. ?Anyways, I?m Roxie, that?s Water Angel, Piranha, Lumi, and Sapphire. But we?ve got a graduation to get to, so we gotta go. Talk to you some other time, though!? And I pulled them, once more, by their gowns. We ran and ran to the car, got in, and Lumi drove off again, this time back to the high school.

So there we were, in the parking lot. I was panting like a dog looking at a sausage link. And we were all going to be late, if we didn?t run a little faster.

Flying in the auditorium, the graduation had already started and names were being called. If we came in, everyone would know we were late, and we?d look like we were idiots. But then I had a not-so-brilliant-but-the-only-desperate-thing-to-do plan.

?Who can juggle?? I asked.

?I can,? Water Angel said.

?Okay.? I ripped up tin foil that had wrapped a brownie I had eaten before and rolled it into three balls, and I handed them to her. ?Now, juggle them down the isle and into the stage and into our seats. Sapphire, you do summersaults all the way down, and Lumi, do some cartwheels. Piranha: you and I are dancing down the aisle Russain style. Got it? GO!? And I started to go, so no one could protest. And they all followed.

Though, I did hear Lumi mutter something that sounded like, ?We aren?t professional acrobats like Trowa, you know. There?s five of us, too, and only one of him.?

I shook my head, remembering the silent Gundam pilot from the Anime program. We got on stage and I said ?Thank you everyone! Thank you for viewing our mid-graduation entertainment.? and we sat down. The teachers, including Mr. Wordsman, Dr. Lane, Mr. Silverstein, and the board members started at us in horror. Hopefully most of the audience bought it. The graduation continued as planned.

The next day? In the local newspaper, there was an article that there had been a bomb in room 13 at our middle school. The forensic scientists concluded that a chainsaw had disabled the bomb. The police had also traced the bomb planter back to the new kid in seventh grade. Though, no one ever found out who actually found it, or disabled it... except six people.[/color]

[Brasil]

It was a fun read, first of all. Nice effort.
Got a bit weird at times, though. I shouldn't really talk, cause I'm writing a mock epic that's totally out there.
But, I think the strongest part of your story was about solving things through the Internet.

I enjoyed this:

?That?s okay! As long as we?ve got the internet, we can solve anything!? Lumi offered us cheezily, standing up on her chair. A cafeteria monitor made her get off it, though.

Piranha said, sarcastically, ?Really? We can solve anything??

?Yup. Sure can. We?ll be walking down the street, someone comes up to us, asks ?So where?d you get that shirt?? and we?ll say, ?Internet.? ?So, how are you?? ?Internet.? ?So, I?ll see ya later.? ?Internet.? See? We can do it.? Everyone went silent. ?Okay, so maybe not.?

Lumi's dialogue is especially good here. It's excellent how totally unrelated her answer is to the previous phrase. ('So, how are you?' Internet. 'So, I'll see ya later.' Internet.) It's nice how you poke fun at a society raised on technology. I'd suggest taking these few paragraphs and creating a whole new story based on their ideas. They're really quite strong little bits.

In fact, Lumi is an interesting character to begin with. I'd chronicle her online adventures. I see a lot of potential there. Her general lunacy would translate very neatly into a total online setting. Perhaps the title could be, "She Got Gigabit: Lumi In Cyberspace." Hyperactivity online, stumbling into shady technological conspiracies, inadvertently crashing servers, etc.

The rest of the work...I'd just tone down the unpredictability. The scene with Rob seemed very out of place. I think working on transitions would be a good idea. Instead of, "Just then, a man wearing all black, with a white mask and a chainsaw in the doorway. Like in the Jason movies," maybe,

"We started hearing a strange, psychotic buzzing coming from the hallway. We weren't sure what it was. The buzz became deafening, then the door was ripped apart in a splintery, chaotic, cacophonous calamity. A white hockey mask popped in. We screamed. "It's Jason! It's Jason!" we cried.
The masked man paused. "No, my name's Rob. Did you ladies need a chainsaw?"

and so forth.

Just a suggestion. Good luck.

Regards,

PoisonTongue