Writing THE TROPHY: Or, Animal Rights Activists Can Go To Hell

[Brasil]

?THE TROPHY: Or, Animal Rights Activists Can Go To Hell?

[SCENE 1]
[FADE IN]
[SPOTLIGHT FOCUSED ON A MAN aiming a giant elephant gun off-right. Man turns and begins addressing audience. He is goofy, but presents a fierce determination regardless.]

MAN: Oh, Cheerio! I?m sorry, I was just checking the sights on this gun. Now, I?m not going to lie. I?m a hunter. I hunt. But I do have limits to what I hunt. I don?t hunt endangered species, unless they attack me first. I don?t hunt women and children, either, unless they attack me first. I prefer to hunt big game, such as elephants, lions, tigers, bears, anacondas, sharks, whales, hippos, rhinocerouses, zebras, giraffes, and gorillas, preferably silverbacks. I also enjoy hunting smaller game, such as spider monkeys, donkeys, cows, horses, housecats, rabbits, goldfish, iguanas, and three-toed sloths.

[LIGHTS UP. WE are in a TROPHY ROOM. There are various ANIMAL HEADS hanging on the wall.]

Honkers! I still haven?t told you my name!
I am Lord Peter Magnus. This is my trophy room. All these heads are from my various hunting expeditions. This lion I found in an oasis in Africa. He was drinking from a lake, and I couldn?t resist shooting him. He died quite marvelously, what with the roaring and coughing and bleeding and kicking. His death was fantastic to watch. He died like a cartoon. It was marvelous.

[Notices a HIPPO head.]

Hoo-hoo!

This hippo was taking a bath when I shot him. Why he was in my bathroom I?ll never know. But I blame my butler. Speaking of which?Jeeves? Jeeves? Oh, Jeeves?

[Enter JEEVES. Jeeves is the very uptight, highly proper British butler.]

JEEVES: Yes, sir, may I assist you in any way?

MAGNUS: Yes! Yes, you may! How did that hippo get into my bathroom?

JEEVES: Sir, I imagine he came in through the door.

MAGNUS: Ah?thank you, Jeeves. You are dismissed.

[JEEVES exits.]

[MAGNUS turns to audience.]

MAGNUS: So that?s how he got into my bathroom! Through the bloody door! I keep telling my staff to lock my bathroom doors! I wonder whose fault it was this time! Which one forgot? I bet the butler didn?t do it. Oh, Jeeves?

[Enter JEEVES.]

JEEVES: [Somewhat annoyed] Yes, sir?

MAGNUS: Did you forget to lock my bathroom door?

JEEVES: No, sir.

MAGNUS: So you didn?t lock my bathroom door?

JEEVES: It wasn?t my turn, sir.

MAGNUS: Oh, it wasn?t your turn, eh? When is it your turn?

JEEVES: The next time the door needs to be locked, sir.

MAGNUS: Well then, it?s your turn right now! Hop to it!

JEEVES: The door is locked, sir.

MAGNUS: Good show, old chap. But if I go up there and find another hippopotamus in my bathtub, I?m going to hold you personally responsible. Speaking of the bathroom?I?ll be right back!

[Exit MAGNUS. JEEVES is standing there like a stiff.]

MAGNUS: [From bathroom] Oh, Jeeves!

JEEVES: [Groans] Yes, sir?

MAGNUS: Fetch me my gun!

JEEVES: Did you find a hippopotamus, sir?

MAGNUS: No.

JEEVES: Is it a rhinoceros, sir?

MAGNUS: No.

JEEVES: Then what is it, sir?

MAGNUS: A fat lady.

JEEVES: That?s your wife, sir.

MAGNUS: So it is. [Pause] Fetch me my gun!

JEEVES: Oh, Blast.

[Exit JEEVES.]
[FADE OUT]