Writing Poem in Progress

[GinnyLyn]

(My reason for this is at the end. Please go through the poem first. This is also my first time to do a poem like this, so please bear with me. :))

Hush now, my child.
Cry softly, small one.

We step for freedom,
Far from the Spiral.
From comfort and common,
We step away now.

Hush now, my child.
Cry softly, small one.

We travel from home,
From death and dark dreams.
Father remains,
We move on, it seems.

Hush now, my child.
Cry softly, small one.

New world before us,
No world behind us.
We press into groups
Who willingly find us.

Hush now, my child.
Cry softly, small one.

Steal into the night.
Watch the moon above
Hear the music play.
And wonder,
wonder
what sin
brought him in?

Hush now, my child.
Cry softly, small one.

And the fire dances
The shadows are cast
Over all of us.
No.
Not you.
You are still watching the moon.
But as the fire dances,
Writhes seductively
Tempts the unwanted,
Even the moon covers her silver eye
In a silken scarf.

Hush now, my child.
Cry softly, small one.

Your cry, it alerts us,
Your cry, it shows us.
Our weakness,
Our folly. It moves.

Hush now, my child.
Cry softly, small one.

Scream.
Breath again
To scream.
Terror.
Life water
Falls.
The fire
Dances on it.
Watch the moon
Hide now.
You too.
Don?t scream, just hide.
Turn away from the fire
Close your eyes to the dance.
Be like the moon:
silent
quiet
out of reach
Be like?

Hush now, o child.
Cry softly, small one.

Step into silence, and
Gaze at the moon.
Eye covered, tears fall,
Fire, now swoon.

Hush now, o child.
Cry softly, small one.

You stepped for freedom,
Far from the Spiral.
No comfort or common,
It followed you still.

Hush now, o child.
Cry softly, Auron.


Yes, ok, go ahead and groan at how the Auron Lover has struck again. ^_~
But seriously, I want to use this as the opening part to the FFX prequel fic I'm writing. I'm trying to convey how Auron became an orphan (fabricated on my part) by using imagery instead of writing a long chapter on how the big nasty monster came and struck everyone down, leaving only Auron to be found by temple monks.
There's still some parts I don't like, because they don't [i]sound[/i] right, in that reading through them shows that the ...pentameter? is that what it is called?...is off.
My favorite part is how it starts out structured, falls apart when the monster attacks the camp, and becomes restructured again, but it's now the moon speaking to Auron, instead of his mother.

Anyways, help a little? Critique, comment, do something...but please don't just stroke my Auron ego--I want this to be weighed as a poem in its own right.