Writing Fan Fiction: Bionicle [untitled]

[Patronus]

Ah, this is only the first part of the first chapter...I wanted to see if it was good or not.

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In days of old, six warriors arose from the ancient inhabitants. Air, Water, Earth, Snow, Fire, and Darkness. The warriors represented these powers and used them greatly. They were from the tribe of Toa Nuva; protecting the world with their god given powers.

Then, the Rahkshi appeared. Six evil warriors they were, and ruthless at heart. The Toa Nuva and Rahkshi fought for months, endlessly damaging each other physically. The Toa Nuva seemed to have the upper hand. They fought bravely; yet, they could not escape the power of the Rahkshi. Each Rahkshi launched a powerful blast, and so did the Toa Nuva. The power was great, and it could be felt hundreds of miles away.

Each Toa Nuva and Rahkshi were destroyed; nothing left but masks. This masks were scattered across the world, all to be found by a chosen descendant. In the centuries after, the Toa Nuva and the world they had lived in transformed and became a legend. Not even relics of the old species were saved. Nothing was discovered in educational digs, no hieroglyphics were written. The masks were lost for millenniums, until now. Now, twelve humans will gain the powers of the Toa Nuva and the Rahkshi, continuing the battle that was fought oh so long ago.

-Chapter 1: Discoveries of Life-

The ocean crashed upon the shore of Los Angeles. The sun beat down on the inhabitants of the largely populated city. Music of different cultures rang throughout; gangs stood huddled on street corners; children played on the beach.

One teenager, Marcos Gonzales, walked down the beach. His tan skin and dark eyes shined with the reflection of the sun. His hair was blowing wildly in the wind, as he looked at the ground. He walked past many people, but kept his head down.

Marcos was an orphan. He lived on the streets and stole to survive. He didn?t know his real parents, nor did he want to. He had been told by his foster parents that his biological parents were crack addicts, among other things. His foster parents had been nice; very nice, actually. He just didn?t think they loved him.

It had been four months on the streets when he met Max Williams, a seventeen year old orphan, who, unlike Marcos, was in a foster home. Max was a year younger then him, but they treated each other like brothers.

Max?s parents were cruel and unfair; beating up Max and his younger brothers. Max could handle it, but his two fifteen year old twin brothers couldn?t. That?s where Marcos is now; after talking to Max, Marcos has to come up with a plan to get Max and his brothers (Andrew and Vincent) out of there.

?I?ve got to do something,? he said to himself. He stopped walking and looked at the horizon. Many shades of yellow, orange, and red, the sunset was always his favorite. Suddenly, something caught his eye. He looked over to see a brown mask half buried in the sand. It looked ancient, yet had no scratches. Marcos walked over and picked it up, brushing the sand off of it.

?It looks...kinda like a lizards head,? he whispered to himself, ?I could probably get paid big bucks for this. I could use the money to supply me, Max, and his brothers for a while.? He chuckled. How lucky could an orphan get? He brought the mask to his face, turning it around so he could try it on. When it came in contact with his face, a bright light shone from underneath. He let out a scream and started to shake. Suddenly, two pieces of armor latched to his chest; on the back, one on front. Then, two latched on to each of his arms. Then, he slightly bent over. His body had been transformed into some armored lizard; his body was entirely metal. Three large spikes emerged from his neck.

?Ah,? he snarled in a deep voice, stretching. ?Finally, free. This place has changed...and probably not for the better. I?ll probably have a hard time finding hosts for the others, if I can find their masks.? He talked like this aloud to himself, seemingly possessed. This wasn?t Marcos anymore. Or at least, not fully. Many people stopped and stared, partially afraid and partially curious. Marcos, or whoever this being was, snarled and leaped into the air, high into the air, and landed in the street. Two cars swerved to miss him and crashed into each other. He continued to leap all over the place, seemingly searching for something.

[KKC]

well, Im not really a Bionicle fan, but I thought this was good. The description was great and I think it has a nice story line. There are a few mistakes, but not very many. I would like to read the rest. Good job

[Solo Tremaine]

I like the concept ^_^

Although that last paagrph could use a little work. He's not possessed, as such- he's completely transformed into this huge monster. So I think the people around him may be more than a little worried, hehe.

Just as a by-note- Be sure to vary your language to make things more diverse- how did the armour appear, for example, and how did he jump/leap/soar, etc. Just little things like that can make the difference between one dramatic effect and another.

But it's very cool so far ^_^

[Mina]

[COLOR=coral][SIZE=1]It's good so far although I think it progressed too quickly. Like Solo said, more adjectives would polish it up.[/SIZE][/COLOR]