GreenEyedDragon Posted July 9, 2003 Share Posted July 9, 2003 [color=blue]A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!" [/color] [color=sky blue]A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"[/color] [color=magenta] There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days "Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day." So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day. The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?" She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."[/color] [color=green]i'ts weird that i find these amusing...i'm blonde...*continues laughing*[/color] [color=red]Knock, knock Who?s there? Ted Bundy Ted Bundy who? Let me in, meat! No! I mean? Hello I am Santa Claus. Yay! Santa! **************************************************[/color] [color=grey]How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? ?Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.? **************************************************[/color] [color=maroon]What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. **************************************************[/color] [color=sky blue]3 men standing in front of God God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all. God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves. Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me! God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW. Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and... God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire! Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar. Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?! Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!" *********[/color] heheheh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
animeforever105 Posted July 9, 2003 Share Posted July 9, 2003 A man was standing on bank of a foggy shore when he saw 3 figures walking across the water. The man was terrified. When the figures reached the shore, the man saw that they were 3 priests. He said,"That was amazing!How did you walk across the water like that?" The priests replied,"It's easy.Anyone can do it. Go ahead and try." So the man started to walk out onto the water but he immeadiatly sank below the surface and drowned. The priests looked at each other. Then one of them said,"Uh-oh.We forgot to tell him where the rocks are." :D haha. I just think this is a funny joke. I like to tell it because my friend told it to me,so whenever I tell the joke I think of her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Taylor Hewitt Posted July 9, 2003 Share Posted July 9, 2003 Jimmy, "Why did the rooster cross the road. Because he was having sex with the chi- chic-... Because he was having sex wit the chica chi... Because he was having sex with the chica chic chi... chicken. Wow... what a great audience." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenEyedDragon Posted July 9, 2003 Share Posted July 9, 2003 .....i don't get it Taylor...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Taylor Hewitt Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by GreenEyedDragon [/i] [B].....i don't get it Taylor...... [/B][/QUOTE] Jimmy is retarted. He is from South Park. Duh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinobi Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 LMAO! Ok, here are my stupid jokes...they are so stupid they make you ;laugh so much more lol: What do you call a man with 40 oranges in his left hand and 40 oranges in his right hand? [spoiler]A guy with big hands[/spoiler] Do you know what they say about men with big feet :p... [spoiler]They wear big socks[/spoiler] What did the farmer say whne he lost his tractor? [spoiler]I can't find my tractor[/spoiler] ___________ LOL ok here are some good ones: There is a plane about to crash but with no parachutes but only a rope. The passengers, who were 10 blondes and one brunnete, all piled onto the rope which was dangling from the bottom of the plane. When they reached the sea they were going to jump off. Becyase there was 11 people, it weighed the plane down, it was not going to make it as far as the sea. So they took a vote and all the 10 blondes voted for the brunnete to jump off. So the brunnete gave a heart warming, very touching, speach about how she would gladly sacrafise her life by letting go of the rope...for you beautiful blondes...[spoiler]The blondes clapped...[/spoiler] __________ There are three nuns and the first nun said: Nun 1: Geuss what sisters! I was cleaning the Father's room when i found...PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES! They all gasped in horror. Nun 2 and 3: And what did you do sister?! Nun 1: I threw them in the bin ofcoarse! They other 2 nuns patted her back then: Nun 2: Well if you think that's bad! I was doing the Father's laundry and i found...A PACKED OF CONDOMS! They all gasped in horror. Nun 1 and 3: And what did you do sister?! Nun 2: I pricked thousands of holes in all of them! [spoiler]Nun 3: Oh ****!![/spoiler] _______ There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman and they were all sitting talking while drinking their beer. Englishman: Hah! My wife is soooo darned stupid! She went out to the shops the other day and purchased Air Conditioning...AND WE DONT EVEN HAVE ELECTRICITY! The three men laughed. Scotsman: You think thats bad! Hahaha! Ma wife, went doon to the shoaps the other day and bought a washing machine...AND OUR WHOLE STREET DONT HAVE ANY PLUMING! The three men laughed. [spoiler]Irishman: Well, ye aint heard nuttin yet! I went into me wife's purse to get some money out and i found a packet of condoms...AND MY WIFE DOESNT EVEN HAVE A PENIS![/spoiler] _______ How do you confuse a blonde in a circular room? [spoiler]Tell her to sit in the corner![/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jesus Chicken Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 [color=blue]Yeah, KnightoftheRose, I was talking about dead baby jokes...but things along the lines of.. Q: Whats red, silver and walks into walls? A: A baby with forks in it's eyes! *Twisted laughter* Q: Whats better then two babies in one bucket? A: One baby in two buckets! *More laughter* I'll post some more, worse ones...sexually orientated ones if I can guarantee I won't get banned. I apologise if this offends people...I'm pretty sure it will get someone.[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Fly-T Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 OH yeah i remember a dead baby joke Q: Why is it better to throw a baby into a blender feet first? A: So you can see the reaction on it's face Q: Whats worse than driving over a dead baby? A: Skidding on it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinobi Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 I got one: What is blue, yellow and purple that flies around at 100 mph? [spoiler]A baby with a punctured lung[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vicky Posted July 10, 2003 Author Share Posted July 10, 2003 Well, asleast some of us have a bit of humor. There are some jokes that don't have babies in them. Some of them are funny, but why, just why like that? Babies...stop doing jokes like that, not funny...tight...so you can see the reaction on its face? That's just tight. How low can you get? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 Oh life, you are [i]disgusting[/i]!!! *shocked* ... Though funny in a very nerving, pervertic way... :smirk: Poor babies... :( Just promise me nobody will make jokes about dead kittens - not to mention bonzai kittens! Cause if you do... *hisses, flashing his claws* Oh my, these three cats around me are really starting to affect me... Wonder if I can manage with them for a another week and a half...? :faint: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terpischore Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 [color=0eade7]oh my GOD that was the WORST joke ever, to see the reaction on it's face!!!! Ahhh!!!!!!! Made my stomache turn....sexual oriented jokes would be funny, i dunno if you'll get banned or not...put it in a spoiler space and say "only highlight if you have a disgusting mind" haha...[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jesus Chicken Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 [color=blue]I was talking about sexually orientated baby jokes...Hmm So yeah, they would be pretty sick and twisted, [I]Terpischore[/I]. Q: Whats pink and red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller? A: A baby with a potato peeler![/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terpischore Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 [color=0eade7]o_0..euh..what was with the name in italics?? Anyway, haha that one was funny.. Pfft..sexual oriented BABY jokes??!?[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sara Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 [size=1]I'm sorry, but that's disgusting. There are members here who don't wish to read that sort of thing. If anyone is interested in any more of his...ah...jokes...I suggest you PM Jesus Chicken. Thank you.[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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