Eclectic Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 I'm in desparate need. I know this poem needs something, but I don't know what. Help would be appreciated. I walk into the Ballroom My bloodred dress Swaying A Pure white mask covering my Face I Look through the slits The Couples dancing gleefully Everyone there has their own perfect Match it seems And I am left Alone The Crowds part for a moment Fate is on my side it seems There you stood My Prince My Knight And Wearing a Mask as well We Talked and Danced the night away When night had gone and day was soon to come I thought I loved you But I was wrong When you removed the mask you wore I saw only myself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garnet Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 The poem perhaps needs you to exit? Change the "I's" to "you's", make it someone else, the reader?Then later in the piece it would be like "there he stood, *your* prince", etc. At the end, "you thought you loved me"- "he removed the mask he wore,I was no longer underneath " or something (lost love) Just a comment , I understood something about "looking for versions of myself" garnet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eclectic Posted July 8, 2003 Author Share Posted July 8, 2003 Well, garnet, the poem is about me, therefore I'll leave the I's, if you don't mind. Almost all my poems are in the first person. And it's not about lost love, it's about seeing the imperfections of yourself through another person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garnet Posted July 8, 2003 Share Posted July 8, 2003 Its your poem obviously, it spoke to me in a certain way and I responded. Seeing imperfections in yourself through another person is what I was thinking was the challenge to you(along with a deeper meaning for me, do we look for "others" like ourselves or do opposites attract)and you claimed to be desperate for some sort of input.I meant no disrespect, as I said, it spoke to me. garnet "take something dear and throw it away, and this world will realize it needs you more than you need it" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eclectic Posted July 8, 2003 Author Share Posted July 8, 2003 I don't mean to be rude, it's just my nature. I've taken your input into consideration, and I'll edit my poem later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garnet Posted July 8, 2003 Share Posted July 8, 2003 I learned from posting on the usenet boards that posting about poetry and personal things can be sometimes difficult as it is often hard to fully expresss yourself or your thoughts on someones work on a text medium.I think there are lots of people reading that have things they want to post but fear the consequences(which can only be words), to be honest. garnet "20^2" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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