Writing EPICITY - The Disturbing Epic Poem

[Brasil]

?EPICITY?

What unusual tale I am about to say,
What lengthy histories I now relay,
What delusional hero I do tribute pay,
What disturbing adventure I do now replay,
My Muse does inspire and I sing her praise.

?Satyria, my glorious and righteous inspiration,
You that bless my brain with a tale?s incubation,
I sing the ensuing verses to thee.?

I have given my Muse her credit due,
Now I shall begin anon, my tale to you.

A short time ago in the faraway-but-not-so-magical land
Of Cinnaminsonia, an odd group of five
Set out on a quest of the unusual type.
These five attended the local high school
Of the land, a school rooted in
Prevalent perverted provinciality.

Cinnaminsonia was ruled by a
Hairy and ancient king named John.
They called him King John to be exact,
If we shall get anal retentive about it.

Cinnaminsonia was a boring land,
Populated by drab and dull inhabitants,
And featured little to none amusement,
Except when the traveling circus rode into town.

Despite John?s efforts to bring life to it,
This land remained a dull and uninspired
Insipid cesspool of boredom.

Those who had long since passed Cinnaminsonia,
Those who had adventured far beyond the city walls,
Those who had stayed their feet and still resode in their familiar abodes,
They saw the utter banality of life in Cinnaminsonia.

They exclaimed, ?Oh dear God! It?s so boring!?
Then one of them had an idea.
He would change the land for the better.
He would create excitement where there was none.
His name was Joe.

He knew to rile,
Flinging forth spit and bile
And sped down from his throne in the trees.

In the halls of the high school,
As our five did trek,
Joe appeared before them,
Clad in only his fig leaf.

He spoke to them: ?Hey all. I?m Joe.
I?m ordering you guys to go on a sacred quest.?

And this group of friends
Were confused and thus
Spoke back at him.

Brian began, ?What? Who are you? Do you play the piano??

And then Geoff did interject as well.
?Yeah, whot the ?ell? Do you play the didgeridoo??

Joe replied to their questions and said,
?I already told you, man,
But I shall speak it again.
I?m sending you five on
A glorious quest to seek out
A magical instrument of piping.
Your quest, is to seek out the
The Golden Plunger of Presai.?

Thunder boomed and trumpets sounded.

And then Matt spake, saying, ?Er, right.?

The one they call Tom said he liked to hit things,
And Joe cordially ignored him.
There was one who did not address Joe, however.
This one just sat on the floor and ate paper.
Joe asked the others who he was.

?Oh, he?s just Paul.? they replied and continued staring at Joe?s leaf.

?Hey!? Joe yelled, ?Stop staring at my junk!
Pay attention! This is an important quest.
The Golden Plunger of Presai contains
Knowledge of an expansive size and
Grants you great power if you can wield it.
All of your wildest dreams will come true if you find it.?

?Can I watch NASCAR 24/7?? Tom asked.

?Yes.? Joe replied.

?Awesome.? said Tom.
Then Tom turned to his fellows and said,
?Fellows, we gotta? do this.?

And at that moment, a great shudder was felt throughout the land of Cinnaminsonia. The other Alumni felt this and in their chat room conversed.

[Shinmaru]

Heh, this is a really good poem and I enjoyed reading it very much. I can not wait for the next part of this epic to spring up.

[Guest dayday]

Everything you do is disturbing. But strangley this one's not as much as the others.

[Brasil]

Welcome to THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE PING
Welcome, Anonymous

BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: What was that?!?
MASTERKEYS: Not sure.
GOMAPETTITI: It sounded like a huge bass drum.
HEAVENLYVOICE: Yes, it did.
BRAD: Was it an explosion?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: I don?t think it was.
BRAD: Dagnabbitt.
REPORTERSTRINITY entered the room
BRAD: Hey reporters.
REPORTERSTRINITY: Hi, Brad. Hi, room.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: You know, in these mythological epics, when there?s a giant earthquake and columns fall, that?s usually the sign of something bad. But if you want to prevent earthquakes, you can employ sheep?s bladders. I learned that from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
REPORTERSTRINITY: Something bad? Can we take some pictures? Can you give us any more detail?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: I don?t think we should say anything. Guys?
GOMAPETTITI: I second that.
MASTERKEYS: I?m very much in agreement.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: I don?t have to say anything.
HEAVENLYVOICE: I?m sorry, but we?re not at liberty to discuss the recent events at this time.
REPORTERSTRINITY: Just one little statement?
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: To quote the Frenchman from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, ?No! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.?
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY throws livestock at REPORTERSTRINITY.
REPORTERSTRINITY left the room.
HEAVENLYVOICE: Does anyone have any ideas about that huge shaking?
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: It felt like a huge disturbance in the Force.
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: Come back to reality, Alex. Joe is up to something.
GOMAPETTITI: How do you know?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD glances at GOMAPETTITI.
GOMAPETTITI: Oh, yeah.
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: Yes, I am the all-knowing goddess.
MASTERKEYS: What did Joe do?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: My scouts inform me he has sent some people on a quest to get the Golden Plunger Of Presai.
GOMAPETTITI: WHAT?!?
MASTERKEYS: Oh, my.
HEAVENLYVOICE: This is bad, people. Where?s Josh Melson when you need him?
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: Yeah?this is definitely not good?even worse than Event Horizon. And Event Horizon was EXTREMELY BAD.
MASTERKEYS: If they get that plunger, they?ll be super powerful.
HEAVENLYVOICE: Bethany, who did Joe send on this quest?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: Let me check. brb.
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD is away.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: Has anyone ever seen Jason and the Argonauts?
GOMAPETTITI: No, but I really want to.
HEAVENLYVOICE: No.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: Scott?
BRAD: I have.
MASTERKEYS: Me, too.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: Doesn?t this seem really similar?
BRAD: It does.
MASTERKEYS: Most definitely.
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD is back.
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: It?s Wangarang, but not the entire band.
BRAD: Dang. Which members?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: There?s Brian, Geoff, Matt, Tom, and Paul.
BRAD: Where?s Steve and Alex?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: Steve disappeared about four months ago. The authorities used bloodhounds to try and pick up his scent using his hat, but they couldn?t find him.
MASTERKEYS: What about Alex?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: Alex was captured by Paul Reubens.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: PEE WEE?!? Wow. Tho, I find Paul Reubens? performance as The Spleen in Mystery Men better than Pee Wee.
GOMAPETTITI: Was Alex ever rescued?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: No. They never found him either. They only found a red bowtie at the crime scene.
HEAVENLYVOICE: Do you think they want to get their band mates back and that?s why they?re trying to get the plunger?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: From what I?ve heard, Tom convinced them because he wants to watch unlimited NASCAR.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: I never got the point in NASCAR. Of course, I never got the point of lacrosse, either?or any sport for that matter.
HEAVENLYVOICE: LACROSSE ROCKS MY WORLD!
MASTERKEYS: HEHE!
BRAD: I once had an epiphany about baseball.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY kicks BRAD in the groin.
BRAD: OWWW!!! DAGNABBITT! DRAT!!!
GOMAPETTITI: Um, guys, we?re kind of getting off track here.
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: Yes, we are. We still need to show Wangarang what will happen if they obtain the plunger.
GOMAPETTITI: What would happen?
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: Actually, Bethany, could I field this one?
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: Fine.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: Okay, to loosely quote Ghostbusters, ?it would be a disaster of biblical proportions.?
GOMAPETTITI: What do you mean ?biblical??
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: I mean ?real wrath-of-God type stuff. Plagues, darkness.?
HEAVENLYVOICE: The dead rising from the grave.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: Exactly. Tho I?m not sure if you?re quoting Ghostbusters or just speaking from your knowledge of the bible. lol. Also, ?Riots in the streets, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!?
GOMAPETTITI: Wow. But Joe is the one who did wrong. We can?t very well go slay the members of Wangarang.
BLESSEDBRAINCHILD: We don?t have to. We just need to convince them to stop.
BRAD: Where is the plunger?
MASTERKEYS: It?s in Presai. Presai is a small parcel of land about the size of Seaside Heights. It?s down around the Jersey shore, too.
BRAD: Okay, who do we have that?s on the way there?
MASTERKEYS: Well, we have Kimmy. She?s in the Forests of Tralbanor?
GOMAPETTITI: My amazons live on the Kimowhep islands. I could tell them to stop Wangarang.
BRAD: Good. I?m going to buzz on down to see if I can find Joe. Catch ya?ll later.
BRAD left the room.
MASTERKEYS: I?m going to get going, too. I have a feeling the choir needs an accompanist
MASTERKEYS left the room.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY: I?ve got an itching to watch Ghostbusters now. ttyl.
HEAVENLYCINEMATOGRAPHY left the room.

[Brasil]

And at that moment, as the fellows of Wangarang were deciding how to go about their quest, Scott appeared before them and said, ?Hey Geoff! It?s me, Scott! I hear Joe?s been talking to you guys.?

And Geoff did retort with a cluck and spake, saying, ?Scott! How?s your mom??

Scott responded, ?Oh, she?s doin? good. College is great, too. How did Balloon?s Besiege 2 come out??

?It turned out pretty good. It was really bad though.? Geoff said as he chuckled.

And Scott said in his wisdom, ?Don?t worry about bad films. They don?t hurt too much. And they slowly fade from memory. Like Trial of the Witch or The Hardee Boyz. But that?s not why I?m here. Joe talked to you guys. He told you there?s a plunger that grants supreme power.?

At this, Brian spoke, ?Yeah. He said we need to go out and get it.?
In hearing this, Scott chastised them. ?No, you can?t go out and get it. If you take the Golden Plunger Of Presai, the world will come to an end.?

Scott was all-serious when he warned them, but they took no heed of his warning. ?Sure, Scott.? they said and walked out the door, leaving Scott alone with Alex Ward.

?Don?t worry, Scott! I?ll help you!? Alex triumphantly exclaimed.

?Drat.? Scott said and kicked Alex in the groin, dropping him to the floor.

And as Alex fell, he heard a familiar taunt. He heard it softly at first, as if it were a whisper. He heard it twice. ?Alexaaaanda! Alexaaaanda!?

Wangarang?s members then conversed with themselves as they strolled down the hall.

Twas Brian who spoke first, ?Okay, where is this plunger??

And Joe then appeared again, again clad in only his leaf. He spoke to the band, and the words flew from his mouth and he said, ?It?s in Presai! I already told you!? And with that, Joe gave Brian a swift kick in the groin and disappeared.

?OWWW!!!? Brian yelled and Geoff laughed a hearty laugh, and also clucked a hearty cluck. As Brian recomposed himself, and thought of a glorious composition, he addressed his friends and said, ?So, then, where?s Presai??

Matt, in all his good wisdom and knowledge of the shore, said, ?It?s down around Seaside Heights.?

?Guys, then we?ve got to go there! It?s not too far!? Tom exclaimed.
But Geoff did doth see a problem with transportation, and replied with,

?Tom, we all can?t fit in any of our cars.?

And thus the group was met with a problem. They all sat and pondered a solution. Then they all stood up and pondered a solution.
Finally they just started milling about.

They decided to get some fresh air and went outside.

There a great light blinded them, and they shielded their eyes.
Eventually, this great light dimmed, and formed an aura around a certain vehicle in the parking lot. The group heard a choir singing, they thought it was a heavenly choir blessing them, but in all reality it was just the concert choir. No offence meant to the concert choir, of course. Upon seeing a great, white school bus, they all turned to each other and exclaimed, ?Eureka!?

They decided to use The Beast for their transportation and went back inside to ask for the keys. Along the way they passed Alex Ward.
Alex turned to them and said something stupid, ?Bunny rabbits are white because they got scared. Do you know why they got scared? Because their ears are so long!?

And as Alex laughed at his unfunny joke, a deafening thundering was heard in the sky. Storm clouds rolled in and the wind began to moan a death wail. At this, Alex ran away, down the hall, scared, and bumped into a band of ninjas. They turned to him and threatened him. ?We are the joke assassins. ?The Bleeding Smile? is our name. Our sovereign, Christopher, has bid us kill you for cracking an inhumanly dumb joke. Prepare yourself.?

Alex ran upon hearing this. Some members of the guild started after him, but their leader stopped them. ?Our lord, Christopher, shall enact his vengeance against Alex Ward.?

Alex continued running down the hall, and out the door. There a great wind started to blow, and Alex fell to the ground. Christopher then appeared before him, in all his grisly visage and bloody armor, and said, ?ALEX WARD, YOU HAVE TOLD AN IDIOTIC JOKE. PUNISH THEE I SHALL.?

And then Christopher lifted his arms high, and beckoned to the sky. The storm clouds parted, and a great bolt of lighting came streaking down to Alex Ward. Christopher smiled as the ill-fated jokester was burned to a crisp.

Christopher laughed and ascended.

Back inside, the fellows were asking for the keys to The Beast.
?Mr. Cook,? they asked, ?we need to go to Seaside Heights. Can we use The Beast??

Now, Ed Cook was one of the nicest teachers around, and although it was an odd request, he trusted these friends and gave them the keys. ?Sure!? he said.

The group looked at each other, and all thought of how easy that was. ?Thanks, Mr. Cook!? they said and got into The Beast. Geoff wanted to drive, and the others let him.

They all needed to get supplies, however, so they went to the ACME right down the street. There they bought IBC Root Beer, HERR?S potato chips, cheeseburger Hot Pockets, Lucky Charms, donuts, and some OREO cookies for Paul.

They realized they needed protection, too, so they went to Dr. Cleaver. Dr. Cleaver was in his lab when they walked in, and greeted them warmly. ?Gazoinks! Ach! What can I do for you gahntlemen??
?We need weapons, doctor.? Geoff responded.

Cleaver replied with, ?I get you weapons, no fear you shall! Ach bien!?

Cleaver disappeared behind a curtain and returned with two huge suitcases.

?Egad, these are very much heavy!? he exclaimed.

He set the suitcases down and turned to the Wangarang members.

?I have the best weaponry in this land, if you need axes, bows, bombs, I have it all.? he said and spread his weapons out.

Geoff immediately went for the Didgeridoo of St. Aussie, which can knock down the greatest beasts of the land, and also causes them to lose their bowel controls. But this incontinence comes at a price, as adventurers have been lost to the dung.

?Right! I?ll take this!? Geoff exclaimed as he placed his hands on his weapon.

Matt saw a glorious ax, and he claimed it for his own. ?I shall wed this ax, and make it mine own.?

Brian found none weapons suit his needs, except that there was a magical lasso. It glowed gold, and Brian?s eye was caught by this sight. He inquired on this find. ?Dr. Cleaver,? he asked, ?by what name do you call this??

?Ah! I call zat The Lasso of Musical Truth. If you wrap this around your enemy, zey vill succumb to ze musical powers and become your slaves.? Cleaver replied.

?I shall take it thus.? Brian said and took his newest musical acquisition.

A raptor costume did suit Paul, and he did take it from the table. ?Rawr! Snarl!? he cried.

But alas, Tom found no weapon that made him happy.

?There?s nothing here that suits my needs.? he sighed, and turned away.

Dr. Cleaver saw this dejection, and said,
?Ah, Thomas! Why do I doth see such
dejection in thine eye? Nay walk away,
come come and see what I have made. For
I am sure that ye? shalt find a weapon that suits thee.?

And with that, Cleaver unsheathed a great stick for hockey. It was a marvelous stick, clad in gold ribbons and sparkling with silver. It was jeweled with emeralds and glistened in the fluorescent lights. Tom saw this magnificence and gasped with awe.

?Oh, Doctor Cleaver, may I partake of this stick?? he asked and Cleaver then smiled and bid Tom closer.

?Here, my son,? he said as Tom approached, ?take this from my hands, and use it well, for I see you are destined to be with it, and it with you.?

Tom took this jeweled stick from Cleaver?s hands, and was engulfed in a glorious holy light. Leagues of angelic choirs sang Beethoven?s immortal Ode To Joy, and Tom felt the power within himself. There was light radiating from his pants, and he felt beckoned to see what this strange luminary event was. As he slowly parted his waistband, he saw brightness and fun.

A strange symbol also made itself visible. It was as red as blood, but Tom was not scared. This letter came shooting up to his forehead and implanted itself. The rest of his fellows saw this, and saw the W on his head. They were in awe. They saw Tom was the chosen one. He was chosen to become host to the Wang. The W began to pulse, and red was streaking down Tom?s right arm, forming a supernatural gauntlet.

?Hey, guys! Check this out!? Tom exclaimed as he leapt up to the ceiling and down he came, slicing a dummy in two.
The others stood there in awe, their jaws dropped, trying to fathom what they had just seen.

Tom saw their bewilderment, and advised, ?Be one with the Wang.?
And his friends? eyes went wide, and they said a collective ?Whoa.?
Brian saw his friends were powerful for their quest, and he turned to Dr. Cleaver.

This is what he spake.

?Doctor Cleaver, you have given us power. And we thank thee. But we must be on our way, for we are to retrieve a golden plunger. And we must not falter; for we would be letting Joe down if we fail. We must be off now, but we shall not forget you and your eccentric behavior. Farewell. Come, friends.?

Dr. Cleaver walked them to The Beast, and bid each farewell. ?Ach! Aye, laddy, take care, now. Geoffrey, ah hope you play the didgeridoo to your hearts content?Matthew, good luck with your axe, and chop down your enemies with its bass melody. The chord combinations are deadly?Brian, use your lasso. Bind the fools in harmonies that could shatter an elephant?s prostate?Paul??

Seeing Paul was not in the best form to hug, Cleaver just said, ?Right?ah, Thomas. Be good to your newfound powers. They shall protect thee greatly in the battles to come. Now, go forth and triumph in your quest. Ach goink gonk!?

The quintet all piled into The Beast and drove away, heading to Presai.

In the chat room the Alumni conversed again, still confounded with the events of recently.