Writing X-men: A New Beginning

[Patronus]

[size=1]Tabitha Smith pulled her sunglasses down over her green eyes. The purple lenses cast dim purple light in her pupils. The blonde was about to burn rubber and she grinned at the thought of scaring the young students of the Xavier Institute.

?Go time,? she said, clutching the stick shift. She put her boot covered foot on the brake and shifted into drive. Suddenly, a familiar voice popped into her mind.

[i]?Remember Tabitha, you want to be treated like an adult, then act like one.?[/i] This was the voice of Jean Grey, a professor of the Institute. Tabitha looked down into her lap and sighed, then slowly, carefully pulled out of the driveway of the mansion.

Pulling to a stop at an intersection, she pulled her sunglasses halfway down. Looking over from behind the green eyes, she spotted a team of soccer players. One, in particular, with sandy brown hair, caught her eye.

?Whoa baby,? she chuckled to herself. Then putting her two index fingers in her mouth, she blew a whistle. The players stopped, then looked at her. She winked at the attractive one and drove off.

---

Please read and review. I will post more later.

-L/Z[/size]

[Mitch]

[size=1] It's not too bad heh. I'd change the cast into casted maybe...but I actually like cast. It's sort of just..odd and cool all at once where it is. Instead of putting the description that: "The purple lenses cast dim purple light in her pupils. "

You can change that in the first sentence, so it'd go something like this: "Her blonde hair flowing out of her head in spider tangles, Tabitha Smith pulled her pink sunglasses over her eyes, a dim purple light escaping from her green pupils like a luminescent moon grinning wildly up in the sky. She put her foot down light on the gas pedal, thinking of how much fun it would be to scare the young students up at the Xavier institute.

"Go time," she said, grabbing the stick shift. Putting her boot-covered right foot down on the brake, she shifted into drive. And suddenly, like a flashing camera, a familiar voice clambored into her mind like the sharpness of a photograph..."

And so on lol. I pretty much re-did a lot of it for you. That should help a lot. Simply look at what I've done. Not that it's the right way to do things...but basically, try to paint a more vivid picture and use better wording to say what you want to say the best. The way I do that is use some cool metaphors. Ones that aren't cliche but make good sense. Or so I hope.

Also, I'd stay away from adverbs and adjectives as much as you can. Those are the words that usually end in -ly, or tend to be more than what is needed in a sentence. But, in that second paragraph, this part, "Tabitha looked down into her lap and sighed, then [b]slowly, carefully[/b] pulled out of the driveway of the mansion," actually work well. It gives the sentence this fazed feeling to it, that comma in between them causing that pause. I actually like that effect.

Otherwise, what you have is good; I'd like to see what you could do if you continued to improve. Because you certainly can.[/size]

[Raiha]

[color=royalblue]You playing a girl is very intersting. A first. Not bad at all.....we crave validation. Give us more.[/color]

[Patronus]

[size=1]The ball rolled to Zach?s feet. He stood there in his red and white soccer uniform watching Tabitha drive off. Half smiling, he chuckled and bent down to get the ball. From behind, a teammate came up, kicked the ball out of his hands and ran off with it.

?Hey!? yelled Zach, running after him. Zach caught up to him and...

(The Next Day)

?Number 23, Zach Wills comes up behind number 3 of the opposite team!? said the announcer over the intercom. The booming voice caused the crowd to cheer louder, and Zach?s adrenaline to rise higher then regular.

?Zach passes the opposite player. What is he doing?? the man boomed. Zach went in front of the player, turned around, and stopped. The player panicked and tripped, releasing the ball out of his grip. Zach took the ball and proceeded to run the opposite way. He made his way through the opposite team, who were wearing black and grey, and got in front of the goal.

?Here I go..? he thought to himself. He looked at the goalie; the goalie looked at him. The crowd cheered, the announcer spoke. Zach kicked the ball. The goalie jumped in front of it, and was....thrown through the goal net, and into the ground.

Zach suddenly fell to the ground and started rocking back and forth. The crowd was silent and the announcer speechless. Zach fell to the ground, unconscious.

-L/Z[/size]

[Raiha]

[color=royalblue]Ahh.......the mutated plot thickens.....suspence. Drama... I love it.[/color]

[Shaun]

So far so good, dude. I like it! *waits for more*