Writing Crows Have It Good

[Dragon Warrior]

This is the sequel to my story [URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?threadid=22541]Why Tooth Decay is not Possible on Mars[/URL] which has the wild characters of Bud, who's the leader, Stinky Joe whom always gets in fights with Bud and is the smart one of the group, and Bumper Sticker Bob who is the idiot. He does follow Bud, though. These guys are the Wisconsin Rafters and this is the second story in the series. Without further ado, here they are:

[B]Crows Have It Good[/B]

Now, I?m not one to be picky about what type of food a man eats, but the gopher that Stinky Joe found was way expired. I tell you what, that thing stunk to high heavens. And then some. There was no way in God?s name I was trying that.

?Try it or I?ll pound ya.? Stinky Joe threatened.

?Gopher it is.? I said, taking a bite. It was disgusting! I ended up spewing it out. And after wiping away the gopher parts from my tongue, I noticed what I was just doing. ?Wait a darn minute, did I just take orders from you??

?Darn tootin?. I?m the new leader around here. Why do you always get to be the leader??

Haha. Let me count the ways. Every time I mentioned something, I showed another finger. ?I?m handsomer, I?m cooler, more cunning, more smarter, more heroic, more brave, more better at finding FOOD.?

?That ain?t nothing?.? Joe argued. I never did like Stinky Joe. I plopped down on my rocking chair on the back of our raft as we ran down a river in good ole Wisconsin.

?Well too bad. I?m the leader around here and I can take care of my crew anytime, anywhere.?

[b]Hours later?[/b]

?Food?? I cried as I slowly made my way across the raft at a crawling pace. ?I need food.?

Bumper Sticker Bob, too stupid to know if he was hungry or not, sat there giggling and bouncing up and down. That caused the raft to tip a bit. And you know what happens when a raft tips, don?t ya? That?s right. Buds go flyin?!

I took a tumble right off the raft and straight into the
river, but not before I shouted my last words of ?Bob, you idiot!? I was suddenly swept up by the rushing current. I crashed right into a rock and clung to it for dear life. Letting go could mean death for me. Yeah, even me. A loveable character in this story.

I could see Bumper Sticker Bob was stressed out. Well, sorta, actually. If you consider jumping up and down while giggling and having a distressed emotion on his floppy face stressed out! Nevertheless, Stinky Joe was enjoying it while it lasted. But it didn?t end there. Oh no, boys and girls. I could just soil myself thinking about what?s gonna happen next.

Coming down stream at an alarming rate was some kind of? of? MONSTER! It was green with slick skin and eyes that could melt the head right off your neck by just looking at it. Though, this may have been happening, I stayed calm and awaited assistance like a real leader should.

?Help! Help! Oh my good Lord, help! A monster! Joe, Bob! Get your lazy bums over here and help me! I?m too young and handsome to die!?

Like they should, they steered the raft towards me. That or the current did. Most likely the current. Hopefully the current, actually, because if it were the them, there?d be heck to pay. They ran the raft right into my head. I was knocked out right then and
there.

When I woke up, Bob was standing over me, breathing heavily. I didn?t know why. Might be asthma. Nevertheless, we had escaped the green monster of doom. Or did we? I saw it again! Out in the water, watching me with those eyes of Satan! I took one of the oars and paddled down that stream so fast I was like? umm? well, I can?t think of a simile right now, but you get the picture.

I watched that monster hop out of the water and let out it?s war cry. It was angry. ?Riiiiibbbbbitttt!!!? That?s not even the worst of it. When it lets out that horrible howl, it?s chest bulges out like a balloon! It was definitely a possessed monster. And I got us out of there right away.


We were soon down stream where those monsters couldn?t catch us. I don?t think they live in these parts, thank goodness. But what I hadn?t noticed is I was lost. ?It?s all your fault,? I blamed Stinky Joe.

?Mine? You?re the one that paddled us away, scared stiff!?

?It was a man-eating monster!?

?It was the size of my fist!?

?It was going to kill us and skin us! Maybe vice versa!?

?I could?ve killed it and ate it for dinner! Now we don?t have any food. Good work, leader.?

?Don?t pin this on me.? Oh, but boys and girls. He did. He did. Did I ever say I didn?t like Stinky Joe? Well, I don?t. I hate his guts. But I?m not one to hold a grudge. No soirée, I?m a love-filled American citizen, I tell you what. And if there?s a man in this world that?s more forgiving than me, I?d like to walk up to him and sock him in the mandible. What?s that? What?s a mandible? You?ll learn about it in science class or something?. Whatever you youngins do these days.

As I was about to start up the argument about who got us lost again, I figured out something?. ?Oh my grandmother?s hairy feet, boys!? They both turned to me, Bob having that same dumb look on his mop. I?ve always disliked that mop. It never got things clean enough. But anyways, ?nough sidetrackin?. They looked at me and I told them what was on my mind.

?We aren?t lost, boys.? I started with my forgiving tone of voice. ?We simply don?t know where we are. We never have! We always are on those darned adventures so we never truly know where we are!?

?Wow,? Stinky Joe commented. ?You figured that all out by yerself? I should give you an apple.?

?Shut up!? I commanded harshly. But there goes my temper again. Right away, I caught myself in mid-punch, not allowing my anger to get the best of me. I am, after all, the most forgiving man ever. ?I?ll never forget you, Joe! I shall hunt you down one day when you least expect it.?

?And do what??

?Umm? er? well? you see?? Now, thank goodness for Chef Boyardee because by God, I was saved. At that moment before I had to reveal how I was gonna whoop Joe, we hit shore and flew onto it by
impact. ?Land,? I said as if I hadn?t seen it in months. Years even.

Stinky Joe stood up and walked up the hill. He was stunned to see a large field. ?Guys, look!? I picked myself up, fell, tripped Bob whom fell on me, threw him off, got back up, and went to see what Joe was fussin? about. It was beautiful. A whole field of vegetables. My mouth watered so much that Bob slipped on my river of drool and tumbled back down the hill.

?Let?s go see if we can snag some, boys,? I said, starting my way over to a tomato plant.

?No, Bud. If we do, we?d get in trouble. There?s a house right there.? He pointed and I followed his gaze. Sure enough, there was a shack.

?Then we?ll ask. I haven?t eaten anything decent in days.? I started my way for the house, Joe and Bob following closely behind, when I was suddenly ambushed by flying, black monsters of death! ?Duck!? I shouted, leaping to the ground, flat with my arms and legs out. ?Secure the area and prepare for combat! Make sure all woman and children are safe as well as manhood!?

Joe looked at me in the oddest way, not following my orders. ?Is this mutiny??

?No. These are crows.? He raised an arm and one perched on it and let out an evil sound of ?CAW!? I got up and shooed the beast away.

?I dun care if it were our president. That foul creature almost butchered me with it?s razor claws of death.?

?Yeah. Sorry ?bout that,? I heard someone say. I turned to the house and an old woman stood in the doorway, rubbing a pan with a cat. I don?t know why with a cat. Maybe cats are the new thing these days of getting stains off metal. I mean, really. Some pots may say they are stainless, but they get stained more than the ones that aren?t stainless. Those cheap jerks are jus? tryin? to get money off ya.

?Who are you?? I asked, standing in my leader stance.

?I should ask you the same,? the old woman commented back, still scrubbing the pot with a cat. The cat moaned with horror.

?I am Leader Bud and these are my lackies, Stinky Joe and Bumper Sticker Bob.? Boy, we must?ve been a sight to see because she gave us a weirder look than I had given her when I saw that cat washing the pot. I felt bad for the poor fella.

?Leader Bud, eh?? I dunno if she had bad hearing or what. I guess I had to speak louder.

?YES! LEADER BUD IS MY NAME!? The woman dropped the cat and pot and it crashed through the porch planks. All that was heard was the cat moaning below, most likely in a great deal of pain.

?No need to shout, youngin?. I can hear. Why don?t you boys come inside and get cleaned up. I have supper on the stove.? She entered and we followed. The house looked invitin? enough.


After we got cleaned up and ate, I sat back in my chair and rubbed my tummy. It was full for the first time in a while, I tell you what. The woman looked at us with that strange gaze again, once again, cleaning the same pot with the same disturbed cat.

?Why were you boys playin? with those crows? Those are filthy beasts.? I looked at her, no longer grinning with satisfaction.

?Those things nearly killed me. I dun like ?em!?

?Yes. They are quite evil. They attack my crops all the time. The scarecrow is suppose to stop them, but it hasn?t done it?s job lately.? Scarecrow? Is that some kind of man that scares those crow creatures? I had to investigate right away.

When everyone went to sleep, I snuck outside. There were no crows around, but I did see a faint figure out in the distance in the crops, under the moonlight. I snuck closer. I approached ?im and when I got close enough, I could make out his face. He just stood there, stone cold and angry lookin?. I stared back and to my surprise, he didn?t move. I poked him, then made a run for it. He didn?t follow.

?What a peculiar man.? I said out loud, but softly. I didn?t want him to hear me. Crows must have it good if they can make a man like this scarecrow guy stay where he is and not bug them. Then they just feast. I had to investigate further.

I approached scarecrow again and when I got close enough, he dropped down flat on the ground, his face still petrified. I?m guessin? he was scared stiff. I moved the poor fella onto the porch, then returned to the middle of the crop field, awaiting for the crows arrival. Let?s just see if they can take on the Bud.


By morning, I fell down like scarecrow did. The crows hadn?t arrived yet, but I was gosh dern tired! I see now why scarecrow fell down. He wasn?t scared. Just tired as heck from standing all these days. I don?t even think he ate since he was skinny as a rod. I crawled back to the porch right as the door swung open, revealing Joe and Bob. They were talking to the woman.

?That was great, Ms. Grecking. I love flap jacks.? Joe said as he walked out rubbing his belly. I didn?t get any flap jacks. Bob just grunted which all must learn is good enough to be a thank you. The moment they were on the porch, they saw scarecrow on a rocking chair and me crawlin? up the steps.

?There you are,? the old woman, whom I?m guessing is Ms. Grecking, said. She was washing that pot with the cat again. I think she even did it in her sleep. ?Where have you been? And why is my scarecrow up here?? Suddenly, a huge cloud arose over the field. It wasn?t there a second ago and definitely wasn?t off in the distance. But now it?s here.

?Tut, tut. Looks like rain.? Bumper Sticker Bob said, smiling and licking syrup.

?That?s not a rain cloud,? Joe said with a worried look. It was black as night and was suddenly cascading down onto the crop. It was those crows again! Without the scarecrow around, they seemed to eat the crop clean quicker.

?Oh,? I said amused. ?I guess scarecrow does do some work.? I looked up at Ms. Grecking with a smile, but she was frowning.


Let?s just say our next scene is back on the raft. Joe was rowing with the paddle and making us go down stream and Bumper Sticker Bob tended to his sticky fingers of syrup.

I of course, tended to my wounds. The old woman put up a good fight, but she was no match for the Bud.

?So, Bud,? Joe began. ?How did you like gettin? taken out by a granny??

?I won that fight.?

?Yeah right. She took that scarecrow and smacked you upside
the head and you were crying for your mommy.?

?I wasn?t crying for her. I? umm? I thought she was there so I was calling to her to bring her over to me.?

?Yeah. Lame excuse.? I jumped up.

?Wanna make something? of it?? And he did. He pushed me into the river where I was attacked by those green monsters with bulging eyes. I won?t go into detail, but yeah, that?s what happened. It?s just another day done one of the Wisconsin rivers. And out of this whole adventure, I couldn?t help but envy scarecrow. He?s a true master.

[GinnyLyn]

[quote][b][color=red]draKehho:[/color][/b] BWA HA HA HA!
[b][color=blue]ZeroFeather:[/color][/b] :o
[b][color=red]draKehho:[/color][/b] oh my flipping holiness and ALL!
[b][color=blue]ZeroFeather:[/color][/b] MEHHHH!!!
[b][color=red]draKehho:[/color][/b] Oh my gosh...oh sweetheart, you got a flipping frelling gift there![/quote]

And that's all I have to say about it. *dies laughing*

[Dragon Warrior]

XD That had nothing to do with the story, but BOOYAH anyways XD

PS: Mee moo mo moo. :o