Writing Tribute to My Son

[Lady Macaiodh]

[COLOR=darkblue][size=1]This is a tribute to my son. He deserves to be remembered... by everyone.[/size]

[center]Life-Giving Water[/center]

I didn?t know him for very long, only five and a half months, but it feels like forever, yet, at the same time, only a second. I thought we?d know each other, laugh and fight and cry and love, until the day I died. As it turned out, he was meant to die first. Although I only met him the day before his death, I?d known him long before.


I had a feeling that he was coming into my life in February of 2003. Even then, he had a powerful presence, just like his father. His spirit was strong and changed my life forever. I knew he was growing inside of me, but my hands still shook when I saw that the pregnancy test was positive.

?It?s going to be a girl,? everybody said. I only smiled and remained silent, because my son was telling me that they were wrong. That?s how strong our connection was.

The first time I felt him move, I was lying in bed, unable to sleep. Then the flutter came. ?Here I am!? He seemed to say. ?I?m already growing up too fast,? he laughed, amused at how I was beside myself with excitement. He had moved!

He was a strong boy from the beginning. When I went in for the ultrasound, the technician told me, ?Wow, he is really active!? I felt victorious! Telling my loved ones was fun, because he was a boy, just like I always knew but never revealed. Everyone was shocked; but then, he was always full of surprises.

I made what seemed like a million copies of the ultrasound pictures and passed them out like candy. I posted them on the Internet; I e-mailed them to everyone. When I opened my wallet to pay for things at the store, I?d whip out the pictures and show them to the clerk. There was my son, perfect in every way: his ski-jump nose, his balled-up fist, his extended leg as he kicked me straight in my left side. He loved to kick; he loved to flip in circles. I was sure he was going to be a martial arts expert.

Late at night, I?d lie in bed with my hands on my quickly swelling abdomen, just feeling him move. ?I?m coming to meet you, mama,? he seemed to say. Neither of us could wait to hold each other.

I?d been in the hospital for five days when my doctor told me that I needed an emergency c-section. My son was coming, and no one could stop the labor. I screamed, I shook, I cried, I prayed. He was kicking so hard; he knew he was dying. As I was lying on the operating table, he was wheeled past me in a plastic incubator.

?He?s a blond,? one of the nurses said. ?Do you have a name picked out yet??

?Christophe Jon Michael,? I replied. The middle name was a combination of my brother?s and my husband?s names. He had a heritage; he had hundreds of people who loved him.

I finally got to visit Christophe seven hours later. Despite the pain of my surgery, I stood up to see the whole of him. My heart broke when I saw his size. There was no way a baby that small could live. It was a miracle that he had even survived that long.

I spent most of the next 28 hours by his side. He couldn?t open his eyes, but he knew I was there. He would kick and move toward me when I sang to him, remembering how I?d sung to him in the womb.

He fought as long as he could, holding on for me. He wanted me to meet him for just a little while.

I finally got to hold him when there was no hope left. I kissed him over and over, hugging him to my chest, the tears spilling from my eyes to his. He would never be able to cry on his own, so I gave my tears to him.

For an hour, I whispered that I loved him and begged him not to leave me. Then, suddenly, he moved, and snuggled his head against my chest.

?I love you, too, mama. I?ll always be watching. I know you?ll make me proud.? Then he died.

My little Christophe taught me the meaning of love?something I had stopped believing in. He opened my heart, broke it in two, and then mended it back together. He first gave me a reason to live, then a reason to go on.

He was real. He was the life-giving water that made the dying plant I used to be bud and blossom. The blooms are still opening. They open more day by day. For that, and for so many other things, Christophe was and always will be truly remarkable.
[/COLOR]

[Queen Asuka]

[color=hotpink][size=1]That was so good, Deb. I can feel your emotions just by reading these words, especially since I talked to you that one time. I know that Christophe was beautiful and that he's watching over you right now. Hopefully he will have brothers and sisters one day that love him and know who he is. ^_^[/color][/size]

[Raiha]

[color=royalblue]I've seen life like that before.....although I have no true heart experience, I've cried and mourned with my relatives time and time again. My aunt has had miscarraiges left and right before they had to do a hysterectomey. My cousin, whom I've always been very very close with, had her baby prematurely as well. But he had a genetic disorder from both sides of the family that made him paralyzed for life. And it slowly degenerated his body until he couldn't breathe. The scientists refused my cousin's wishes to let him alone until he finally died, and ran tests on him because his disease was so rare, the chance of getting it was 1 in 9 million. The only reason she thought he was normal while she was pregnant....was the fact that his body could move in water.

So she felt him kicking and thought he was going to be okay, but he was born without freedom of movement. My aunt wrote a story akin to yours, she called it Heart Strings. And when I read your story, I felt similar feelings. Saddness, happiness that he's safe in heaven, but it's a bittersweet feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to get pregnant and married and all that. But to have a child of my own, even for a little while, would be something special.

My thoughts are with you. Even though this seems like it's just not enough.[/color]

[Heaven's Cloud]

[color=indigo]It was beautiful Deb, a wonderful way to remember your son.

I was stupid and read this post at work, now I'm all choked up...;)[/color]

[TheShinje]

[size=1] That was a fitting tribute for baby Christpohe, Deb.
I, Like Heavens cloud, choked on reading that. I can only imagine the heartbrake that comes with losing a child. You are very brave to continue on as strongly as you are.

And always remember, Christophe is always with you in spirit. And you likewise are with him. You'll meet again in paradise one day, that i can assure you ~_^

God bless baby Christpohe's soul. [/size]

[Terpischore]

[color=b60039]That was....beautiful. It truly was. I'm feeling only a fraction of your pain and sadness..if not that, less. I hope that you have more chances for a child and I'm glad that he gave you joy for the little time that he was here. The poem fully expressed your feelings and emotions during that time..it was wonderful.[/color]

[OtakuSennen]

Wow.. I'm sitting here right now by the computer completely glassy-eyed..

That was beautifully written, Lady Macaiodh.

I know this probably does not mean much to you, just me saying this, but I am so sorry you had to go through such a horrible loss... I've never really had a horrible experience like that which I can remember, but my mother miscarried a daughter once, when I was only a year old.. I don't remember it, but I see my mother's face when someone (normally my big-mouthed little brother) mentions my sister.. It's really heart-clenching...

Christophe is up in heaven right now watching you, I am positive.

[Mina]

[COLOR=coral][SIZE=1]That was wonderful. You have my deepest sympathies.
I sure your baby is very lucky to have had a mother such as you. Hope he will have siblings to remember him.

~Mina[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Shinmaru]

I have to agree with everyone; this is a beautiful piece of work. You can really feel the emotion emnating from the words. It's quite amazing, in fact. It's just so sad that this beautiful work had to come from such a tragedy...

[PersonV01]

Miss, I'm quite sorry for the lost of your son. He would have been a fine gentlemen, as you already know. Though I have never experienced your kind of lost, I know how much it hurts to lose someone very dear to you. My prayers to you and everyone out there.

-Pv.01

[Nate]

Wow. I don't know what to say...i'm choked up. (as others are) Odd.. how a child can be so strong in the womb, feels like he's grown already. Yet..he can't live in the real world. *shakes head* At least he's with you spiritually.(did i spell that right?) Sorry Deb.

[Juu]

[color=ff00cc] [size=1]*cries*

That was really beautiful; I loved it, and it reminds me how important everyone is, and how I shouldn't take anyone forgranted. The way you worded it really gives me a taste of how you must feel, and I really can't help but cry. Christophe will always be with you, and love and care for you just as you did for him.

And you're really strong, Lady M, and definately an angel. :whoops:[/color] [/size]

[Genkai]

For the first time in years, I cry.

[Sakura]

That was so touching.I don't really know you very well but I can tell you cared for little Christophe very much.You are a strong lady.I can tell.I'm glad you decided to share this with all of us at OB.I can't say I know how you feel because I would be lying.But just reading your heartfelt words gave me a small piece of what it would be like and I sincerely give you my best.But in a way I'm glad and I know you are too.Not in losing baby Christophe but for him reviving you from the darkness you were in.He shed light on your world and that's something to be happy for.I hope that he has other siblings that will remember him.He and any others are glad to have you for a mother because of your strength,hope and will.

I hope you become stronger and stay alive,bud and blossom for Christophe's sake.

[Justin]

God bless you, Deb. I pray that from the deepest part of my spirit. Though, this is the first time I've said anything about this ordeal(I only learned of it today), I pray for you, and I've long been calling your name out to God...and I'll continue to.

-Justin

[Kitty]

Waaa! I'm so sorry! I never knew... I hope that little Christophe is watching over you. He'd probably love what you're doing for him... That story is very touching. Again, I'm sorry...

~A girl who has something in her eye. Ouch! A fly! Iweee...~

[Mei]

[color=green]That was so deep and heart-warming...and it reminded me I should never take things for granted. It brought tears to my eyes Lady M, truly it did..and I can see the pain you're feeling. It's so dark, but you're right, your son will watch over you forever more, and I'm sure he [i]will[/i] have little brothers a sisters that he may watch over as well. May the Lord bless you..[/color]

[Lady Macaiodh]

[color=darkblue][size=1]He was too good for this world... it's pain, it's corruption, it's suffering... so he went straight to God's arms. That's the only thing that keeps me going.[/color][/size]

[Guest Taylor Hewitt]

Don't worry (dont do it now) but when you die you will see him in heaven.

[Ellerby]

[size=1]

*sniffle*

Truly touching. That was beautifull. May he forever be with you, wherever you go. He'll be next to you. Rmember that. He's with you at all times. I can tell your very discouraged. Never take anything forgranted. Ugh, now I'm all sad and stuff.

-=§=- :wave:[/size]

[the The Boy]

I'm sorry for your lose

Sorry if that sounded atifical but I don't know what else to say.

[lea]

:bawl:
it's so sad and beautiful.....the tribute is exactly how i imagine motherhood to be.....
deb, christophe will always be with you.....a love and bond that strong can't be broken ^^;