Writing A day in the shoes of a ten year old...

[Spikey]

[SIZE=1][B][U]A day in the shoes of a ten year old- Chapter 1[/b][/u]

Ryan lounged back on the couch where he watches his daily anime showes on various channels. As he flipped the channel to the Action channel he heard his name being called by his mom.

"Ryan, come help me unload this food." she yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Okay I'm coming."

Ryan got up from the couch. He heard Street Fighter going on the TV. He grabbed some of the food and put it all on the table.

"Ryan, I don't want you to sit on the computer play games, and watch TV all do." His mom said in kind of a sigh.


"Okay mom."

He went outside to sit on the front porch watching the speeding cars go by. He lived in the country so no friends came over. He went back in to get some of his drawings and tried to sell them, nobody stopped... Nobody even payed attention.

He sighed then went back inside to get on otakuboards. He thought to himself "about 400 350 more posts and I'm a Extreme Otaku. But he remembered that everybody told him that post count dosen't matter. He logged in and then went to the Otaku Lounge. He posted there, then in the music movies and tv forum, then in the Poetry forum then in the adventure forum then in the battle arena.

He put a pillow onto the back of his chair ans started talking to some people over aim.

He then went to eat. He wasn't ready for school to start at all. He did want to see his friends and all but he still doesn't want to go to school. He wasn't ready for fifth grade.

He then logged off the computer and went in his room to play the ps2, and draw. He just beat Enter the Matrix, and just watched Zone of The Enders so he had nothing to do. So he just started drawing. Though they weren't as good as his friends on OB he just kept practicing.

He finished his picture of Cloud from Final Fantasy 7. He then went to play the playstation 2. He started a game of .hack and got into a dungeon when his mom yelled that they had to go do some arrons. She went to work out while he waited. then she was done and they were going to come home.

He got home and just went to the computer. He posted in some forums on OtakuBoards, and then logged off. He was trying to become a real good poet and writer like his role-model on OB mitch. He then sighed and knew that it might not happen.

He then went to the TV to watch some cartoons, and some TechTv stuff. He was kind of bored now. He had nothing to do so he just laid down and watched TV.

He was gonna try to draw a Sephiroth picture, but he was to lazy to find a picture of him to draw. Then he just got up and found a picture on the internet and then went to draw it. He so far wasn't vey pleased with the way it was turning out. So he knew when he was done he would have to clean the picture up a little. He was planning on putting it up on his account at myotaku.com.

He then fixed up the picture, and it was getting late, he then decide to go fall asleep in the lving room watching TV. He did and sleep good.[/size]

[Fyxe]

Yup, that 'bout describes the life in the summer... hey don't worry about fifth grade it isn't that bad. Where I live we did some pretty fun stuff. If you want a friend at the OB, I'm here, feel free to PM me! Back to searching the boards......

[Brasil]

The story is very...monotone and the style is boring. The word usage is very simple, the syntax basic. The flow is quite boring and slow, too.



But you know, given the subject matter, everything works PERFECTLY.

This was an excellent piece. There's a thing called "Verisimilitude." It means "slice of life." I compare it to a neo-realist approach. Everything is presented exactly how it is, without embellishment. Even though it may have not been your intention with the style--it might have just been awkwardness with phrasing stemming from inexperience--the matter-of-factly approach is excellent. The feeling of extreme boredom and a near apathy is conveyed very well.

You were bored as hell that day. I was bored as hell reading about your day.

Nice work. I look forward to reading your future creative endeavors.

PoisonTongue

[Spikey]

[SIZE=1]Sorry my friend PoisenToungue. Am I supposed to take that as a compliment, you being bored as hell reading my story?[/size]

[James]

[color=#707875]Let's bear in mind that Spikey [i]is[/i] ten years old himself. I doubt that he's getting into anything particularly in-depth with what he writes. His writing has improved greatly since first joining OB. So I'm impressed.[/color]

[Brasil]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Spikey [/i]
[B][SIZE=1]Sorry my friend PoisenToungue. Am I supposed to take that as a compliment, you being bored as hell reading my story?[/size] [/B][/QUOTE]

YES! Because I was bored as hell reading it, your story worked. Your day was totally in the ordinary and monotone. I say these as compliments. Seriously. If you had presented the story as anything other than "a day in the life," it wouldn't have had the same effect.

For example, you're bored of your summer routine, right? The work screams it. The work conveys boredom and the language used is perfect for conveying boredom. You make the reader feel exactly what you're feeling. It's excellent.

I compare your work to a documentary. If you carried a camera around with you one day and just let it roll. I've done that before at my old high school, and that footage is some of the greatest footage I've filmed, because it's totally realistic and at the essence of what high school life is.

I enjoyed your work very much. Don't take the boredom as a negative crit. It's a positive one.

[Spikey]

I see okay thanks. I'm working on the second chapter right now and I'll be down in about an hour or 2. Thank you for your compliments.

That really wasn't my intention, I was trying to make a fighting story, but I just decided not to becauseI couldn't form a plot. Thanks everyone.