Guest Taylor Hewitt Posted August 8, 2003 Share Posted August 8, 2003 Empty --- I feel so empty Something is missing It was here but now it's gone I walk along the road Thinking of my future And what it rests on Things aren't right You've disappeared I think I just might crack Now your gone You're outta here You're never coming back --- By: Taylor Hewitt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raiha Posted August 8, 2003 Share Posted August 8, 2003 [color=royalblue]Sometimes, I find that rhyming in itself, takes away from the seriousness of a poem. Not that I'm complaining, it was a better poem than your first two. But you also need to think about the tone of the writing. If you have weird rhymes every couple of lines, nobody will be really "impacted" by the poem. At least that's what I think. Which is why I never rhyme anything I do, unless it's supposed to be funny.[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Taylor Hewitt Posted August 8, 2003 Share Posted August 8, 2003 Thank you for your constructive critism, Raiha. I have been told my many that my poems are too forced. Can someone define this please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raiha Posted August 8, 2003 Share Posted August 8, 2003 [color=royalblue]Put into terms at least I can understand...you lack "Flowetrey." Translation: You seem to be fighting to get the words out or struggling to find the right words. Poems work best when they simply come out of you with little or no effort. "So I looked up to her, Eyes blurrings lightly, Mind closing gently, Knowing my time had come. A hand descending on my face, Dragging me slowly, Pain echoing dimmly, Knowing my life was over." Sometimes repeating a pattern helps. First line, next with a "ly" word, next the same as before, last starting with the same three words.[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doukeshi Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 Your poetry is forced because, it doesn't flow well. It needs to be lyrical. Also it seems sometimes that you are searching for a word to link your stanzas...and the one you've found "doesn't quite fit well enough, but it'll do anyway". Although having said all that I really like the last stanza: [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Taylor Hewitt [/i] [B]Now your gone You're outta here You're never coming back [/B][/QUOTE] I suggest Pablo Neruda to you, simply because he writes the greatest love poetry I've ever read, I have the first stanza of his 'Sonnet XVII' in my sig. Also 'Lenore' by Edgar Allen Poe is a wonderful lament, I think you'll learn from them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dayday Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 Yes that is basically what it means. And it can also mean that you try to find a word to rhyme with another and it ends up saying something that doesn't make sense. So that can throw off the poem. You don't have to pay attention to that. It was just a little more help if you wanted it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Taylor Hewitt Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 Thank you ^^. All of you. It helped me so much. I think I might write another today. Maybe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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