RPG Can someone help me with this bio?

[the The Boy]

I'm trying to get into an RPG on a differnt site but I'm having trouble with the bio. Any help will be appreiciated. Well here's the whole thing from my first try to where he gives me a third chance.
Note: I'm WyvernSlayer

Wyvern Slayer
Name: Pug ConDoin

Age: 20

Gender: male

Continent: Altrant

Class: Mage

Skills: Ice and Water Magic, Earth Magic , Dark Magic

Weapons: Heavy oaken quarter staff. The bottom is capped in iron and the top has an iron carving of a griffons head.

Description: Pug stands 5'5 and is about 134 pounds with a slight build. Has blue eyes and light brown hair. He wears a simple black tunic and pants and wears three rings on his right hand, one on his index, middle, and ring finger, These rings have his family crest of a red griffon clutching a spear in it's claws over a blue background carved onto there surface.

Personality: He is very helpful and will help almost anyone that asks, though he gets easily frustrated with people that act like idiots or jerks. Even though he's helpful it's hard to earn his trust or loyalty but it is well worth the effort because once he considers you a friend he will stick by you through anything. Some of his worse qualities are that he is slightly pessimistic and holds grudges.

Bio: Pug was born and raised in Torvol as the youngest son of a very low ranking noble family. His parents died from disease when he was ten and he was raised by his older brother Eric and sister Ann, who were twins and both were part of the knights. Pug showed a great deal of promise as a mage and was accepted into mage academy where he was one of the top students. Several months ago Moltroy took Ann away. Two weeks later Eric, who always had a strong bond with Ann, came up to Pug and simply said fighting back tears "She's dead. I can feel it." He also handed over both his and Ann's family rings, a week after that he was executed for attempting to assassinate Moltroy and Pug was forced t flee the city to avoid being arrested as an accomplice he is now determined to discover the truth.
(OOC. Please forgive the clichéd bio. But that?s not always a bad thing IMHO.)
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"Non sum PISCES, Magister mundi sum!!- Me

Toxic
Wyvern, could you please expand your Bio a little bit. Other then that, it looks good.
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"Mind the threefold law ye should, three times bad and three times good..." -The Wiccan Rede.
[url]http://seviperfanclub.myeweb.net/index.html[/url]
WyverSlayer
What should I expand on about in the bio? What happened after he left the city or before? (Is newbie)
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"Non sum PISCES, Magister mundi sum!!- Me
Toxic
Umm... just give a little more detail to it here and there. It should be 3 paragraphs minimum really. (I'm not requiring anything)
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"Mind the threefold law ye should, three times bad and three times good..." -The Wiccan Rede.
[url]http://seviperfanclub.myeweb.net/index.html[/url]
WyvernSlayer

Here?s a revised bio.

Bio: Pug was born and raised in Torvol as the youngest son of a very low ranking noble family. His parents died from disease when he was ten and he was raised by his older brother Eric and sister Ann, who were twins and both were part of the knights. Pug showed a great deal of promise as a mage at a young age and was accepted into mage academy where he was one of the top students and the best at Dark magic. Several months ago Moltroy took Ann away. Two weeks later Eric, who always had a strong bond with Ann, came up to Pug and simply said fighting back tears "She's dead. I can feel it." He also handed over both his and Ann's family rings "for safe keeping" he said but Pug knew the real reason, a week after that he was executed for attempting to assassinate Moltroy and Pug was forced to flee the city to avoid being arrested as an accomplice. He has since joined a caravan guard as it is an inconspicuous means of travel so he could search for clues as to what exactly Moltroy is up to and he is determined to discover the truth of his sister?s disappearance and, if Eric was right, death.
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"Non sum PISCES, Magister mundi sum!!- Me
Toxic
Not accepted, I'm sorry. Your Bio doesn't explain your character. Fix that and re-submit.

Edit. Here are some examples of what the guy accepted

Name: Reiz Reinheart

Age: 19

Gender: Male

Continent: Bracori

Class: Swordsman

Skills: Footwork, Sword profeciancy, Scouting

Weapons:
-Primary :An ordinary Japanese Katana, full black. (May change)
-Secondary: Abba and EmmaTwo medium tantos, both about 14'' (inches) long. The blade isn't equipped with a guard, so its quite defenseless againts blades. Both handles are crimson.

Description: Reiz's purple eyes seemed to contrast his golden almost spiky hair. Although he isn't muscly, he packs quite a punch. His face is what you call a narcicist, beautiful and handsome in everyway. He wears a brown jacket and a blue jeans for everyday clothing. Whats inside his clothes is quite surprising. Embedded with the power of metals, Reiz's jacket and jeans both serve as an armor for him.

Personality:
Bound by his principle to help people, Reiz is all kind to anyone. Most of the time Reiz is calm and quite, more of an observer. He is however mute. Although being mute has a downfall, Reiz is still able to connect to certain people. Reiz strong believe in fate made it easier for him to overcome grief and deaths. Inside Reiz Reinheart is a lonely, crying man who is tortured by his domestic past. This past tragedy becomes the base of his principle which he uses to prevent people from sharing the same fate.

Bio: At first Reiz had lived in Altrant with a family full of woman. They all cared for him and nurtured him well into the man he was now. Sadly his family faced a tragic end when his family began to protest againts the council. The council didn't take this lightly. Reiz's more beautiful sisters were taken prisoners and mistress of the castle, with their mother and remaining sisters tortured and violated until their last drop. Reiz was 9 at the time he lost his voice...

Starting a new life he moved to Bracori at 11, learning the land and cultivation for his future. But Reiz couldn't stand of the routinity of farming, therefore he dropped his hoe and picked up his mother's tanto, Abba and Emma . Reiz wanted to help people, the way their family did in Altrant. He received a book called "Budo" teaching him the basics of sword technique. By 15, he finished the book and sought for more technique.

Reiz soon joined the Flying Squirrel clan, a clan devoted to spread its knowledge of air mobilization. It took him another two years to complete the basic course of FS. Reiz's training was postponed, when the clan was disbanded when the opposing clan, Dark Hand assasinated the head of FS.

Not long after that Reiz took the company of a traveling Altrant mage. Her name was Shanti, a beautiful brown girl from the East. Along their journey together, Reiz learned of the situation in the East continent and how the council had gotten worse in the last 9 years. Although the cannot fully communicate, Shanti and Reiz were lovers, eventhough Shanti was 4 years older. Their love camed to a climax when a passionate night ended in seperation the next day.

Reiz had learned all he could for now, and he;s willing to put his powers to the test. Learning of the disapperance of girls in the East, Reiz waited for the right time to strike, to strike back...

Name: Damien Valdorf

Age: 23

Gender: Male

Continent: Altrant

Class: Knight

Skills: Weapon profeciancy, Scouting, Rage

Weapons: A 2-headed flail, steel handle with a intricatly woven handle and steel chains. Two large, spiked iron balls attached to the ends. And a steel short sword.

Description: Damien stands at a towering 6'8". His long blonde hair is pulled back into a pony tail. His eyes are yellow agaisnt black. Almost like that of a wolf. He wears a black long sleeve shirt with a chest plate made of black scale mail. He wears a pair of black pants with a fancy silver cross on each leg. He wears large black boots under his pants. He wears a specially designed pair of guantlets that go up to his elbow. They are made of a black steel and have rows of spikes along the knuckles and back of the hand. Over everthing he wears a dull black trench coat. His short sword is kept sheathed on his right hip and he carries his flail in hand at all times.

Personality: Damien is violence prone and easily angered. When in groups he will stand away and be quiet unless he feels totally comfortable. He has been known to kill his allies because of an joke directed toward his family.

Bio: Born into a family of mages, Damien soon became uninterested in magic. As a boy he would get into fights with the other mage's children. He would beat them nearly to death until one of the mages would pull him off. When he was 13 years of age, an old knight rode through his small village. The knight amazed young Damien and gave him the inspiration to become a powerful knight. At the age of 15 he would fight mage sons and win unless he was out numbered by more than 3. They're spells were not stong enough to fend off the massive Damien. The scrawny mages would be tossed into a hay stack or thrown through a window. He became the age of 16 and his mage friends had left the village. He was preparing to set forth to become a famous knight when a small band of theives swept through his town. They killed anyone who would not give up their gold. His parents were both kill but the gold Damien had on him was not bothered and the thieves ran after only a few minutes for they didn't realize that not only was the town full of mages but also a soon to be knight. After this event happened he began training non-stop. Every minute of sunlight was spent practicing and even hours of darkness. He would be elite. He would be the best. When he turned 22 he learned that he had a sister. His sister was married to a man far from his home town and that she had a happy life. A year later he heard of his sister's mysterious dissappearance.




Please post or PM me any advice. Thanks in advance. (Makes peace sign.)

[The Harlequin]

[font=gothic][color=indigo]I have some advice. Don't populate this forum with random spam. If you want to request help, put something in your signature. Don't post it here.[/font][/color]