Writing Life of a bird

[Mina]

[COLOR=coral][SIZE=1]I had this huge inspiration to make a poem last night. After wondering long on a topic, I tried this one. It's inconsistent, but I did do this while 75% asleep.

The Hatchling

Stirring slowly,
your eyes open.
Darkness within darkness
is your first perception.
Soft wings beat inside
the leather shell.
Your beak assaults the roof
in hope of light.
A blinding messenger
hails from above.
A breath of cold air
heralds your success.
You are born....

The Fledgeling

Your pinions emrge,
Your voice rises,
but it is one among many.
She gazes at you
with indifference.
Shadowing love,
her eyes bear instinct.
Her wings are your roof,
Her cry is your sanctuary,
In her beak is your mourisment.
Your brethren, they see,
they fight and leap.
They too beg for the
mother's morsel.
Through the tumbling,
the fighting and feathers,
rapture comes from elsewhere.
A world beyond the nest....

The Hawk

Your wings have spread,
your talons curved and
your eyes are the pride of
the Sun.
You've mastered the winds,
You've made your kill,
now it's time for someone else.
He rules the mountains
with pride and power,
He holds your eye in his.
You are his dance,
his pride,
his pleasure.
Both know you've found
your mate....

Now, my Queen,
you made your mark.
So many years did you fly.
Your hatchlings have flown,
found Queens of their own.
Your purpose is done,
You die....


Comments??[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Solo Tremaine]

That's... fantastic, Mina. The imagery and description's really amazing. Heh, for being only 25% awake, that's very good stuff.

The last stanza has a great rhythm to it, as well. I don't think there's much left to say. I really like it.

[Mitch]

[size=1] You certainly show wonderful potential.

It's kind of overloaded with description in some parts, which just causes me to stumble around the words to see how they sound. This made the entire thing kind of vaguely numbing for me.

The thing I would work on (this is a personal opinion, now) is adding some rhytm and rhyme to your stanzas. Or at least make a few stanzas that rhyme and put them into good places in the poem.

Why? Because that would make it easier for me to stay reading it, personally. That's the way I like my poetry. I like the words not just to be, but the entire poem to be alive with its own type of feelings. Ah. It's just a great thing when words mesh together and rhyme in such interesting ways and become more dynamic than they are.

Yeah. O.o.

The one-line stanzas were a nice touch, those I think I loved the most. They gave you some breathing room, and didn't douse you in too much description.

Yeah. It's pretty good.[/size]

[Mina]

[COLOR=coral][SIZE=1]Usually when I write poems, I really really want them to rhyme.I don't feel right if they don't.
So when I made this, I made some parts rhyme subconsiously.
I'll see about putting them in the right places. ^-^[/SIZE][/COLOR]