Joke Thread

[Zanarkand Abes]

I am not positive as to whether or not a thread like this exists or is considered spam, but here it goes. I am going to try and start a thread where people can just tell their best jokes. So here is the first one.

There are five surgeons talking together at lunch one day discussing the best type of patient to opperate on. The first surgeon says he prefers to work on maids because all of the parts are clean. The second says he prefers librarians beacuse all their parts are alphabetized. Another said he prefered electricians beacuse they color code their body parts. The fourth one prefered construction workers because no matter how many parts you have left over, or how much longer it takes you than you said it would, they are cool with it. The final surgeon jumped in, "I prefer the French. They have no heart, no guts, and their butt and head are interchangeable!"

(No offense to the French)

[Guest Chris]

yeah, i'm pretty sure this is considered spam, seeing as how i've seen threads like this closed before.

but nice joke though.

[Mitch]

[size=1] A blonde's husband goes into shock over his new son. He falls over onto his back, as if he has gotten a heart attack. He gapes and spasms and twists and writhes until he just stands there, motionless, having subaudible breathing.

His wife, the blonde picks up the phone. But her mind scatters, and crashes, and burns. She slowly, uncertainly, dials the 9 on the phone. Then she stands there, the toddler crawling on her Daddie's chest.

Then the phone beeping its dead beeps, she finally puts the phone down, certain she won't be able to dial the number.

When her husband wakes up, they hug, kiss. "A...are you okay?" the blonde says as she hugs into his chest.

"Why? I'm fine," he says.

"[i]Fine?[/i]"

"Yeah. I was just so amazed at our son...how he's so beautiful. I don't know. It's like God touched me, put me to the ground, made me finally see it. Why?"

"I thought you were dying, or something. I tried to dial 911 but...but..."

"But what, honey?"

"I couldn't find the eleven."[/size]

[Zen]

Heres a bit of a naughty one.

Unfortunatley, the young man was kicked out of Boy Scouts for eating Brownies.

Oh, and the last jokes are pretty funny. :D

[Burori]

Hahaha I love blond jokes. (don't get mad at me I'm a natural Blond)
I have a joke to say.

[i] Okay one day a man was doing chores in his house and he noticed there was something in the trees. He looked closer and noticed it was a Gorilla and right away he called the animal protection agency.

After a few minutes past by the worker finally arrived and asked where the Gorilla is and the man said in his backyard.

The worker then took out four things out of his van. A Chawawa, (sorry for my spelling) A stick, Handcuffs, and a shotgun.

He then looked at the man and said: Okay here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to climb the tree that the Gorilla is in and poke him with this stick. Then when he falls out of the tree the Chawawa who's trained to go after it's *sensitive area* you then place the handcuffs when it trys to protect itself.

The man then said: Okay I get that but I have one question. What is the Shotgun for?

The worker replied: If I fall out of the tree before the Gorilla shoot the Chawawa[/i]

[wrist cutter]

Did you hear about the two satellites that got married?


...the wedding was bad, but the reception was great.

[Guest Chris]

an 8 year old kid walks up to his father. "dad, is god black or white?" the father looked slightly taken back, and then replied, "both son."

5 minutes later the kid walks back up to his dad. "dad, is god male of female?" the father replies, "both son."

5 minutes later the kid comes back and asks, "dad, is micheal jackson god?"

[Patronus]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Double_B_Daigo [/i]
[B]Heres a bit of a naughty one.

Unfortunatley, the young man was kicked out of Boy Scouts for eating Brownies.

Oh, and the last jokes are pretty funny. :D [/B][/QUOTE]

[size=1][color=red][b]Your joke wasn't funny. At all.[/b][/color][/size]

[Guest Crimson Spider]

#1. A guy walks into a bar with his friends. He sees a little guy sitting by himself having. He decides to impress his friends by being mean. So he walks up behind the little guy, and Karate-chops him in the head, knocking him off his chair. He says "That's Karate from Japan!" His friends laughed. So the little guy is ticked off. He gets up, sits back in his chair, and continues drinking, trying not to start a confrintation. So the big guy, who hasn't had enough, again walks behind him, and punches the little guy in the back in the head, knocking him again off of his chair. "That's Juditzo, from Korea!" he said as his friends continued to laugh. The little guy, even more ticked off and a little dazed, got back into his chair and sat down and continued to drink. The big guy, who still hasn't had enough, walks behind him again, and smacks him in the back of the head, once again knocking the little guy off of his chair. "That's Taichi from China!" he said, noticing that his friends were laughing less. The little guy is now knocked sensless, and stumbles out of the bar. The big guy sits where the little guy was sitting. His friends surround him, and start drinking. The little guy walks back in holding something. He walks behind the big guy, and smacks him in the head with it and says: "That's a ball-pin hammer from Seers and Robuck."

This second one is a little racial, but it is somewhat true.

O.K. A ship was sinking. Each person was required to grab one thing, and get on a lifeboat. A Cuban grabbed a box of cigars. A French person grabbed a bottle of Champeign. An American grabbed a Lighter. And a Mexican grabbed a chest full of Buritoes. All four of them got on the same life boat.

After awhile, the Cuban took out a Cigar. He lit it, took one puff, then tossed it and the whole box into the ocean. The American asked "Why did you do that?" The Cuban Answered: "In Cuba, we have much Cigars!"

Later, the French guy opened his bottle of Champeign, took one drink, then tossed it into the ocean. The American again asked "Why did you do that?" The French guy said, "In France, we have plentiful Champeign!"

So after waiting awhile longer, the American got up and tossed the Mexican into the ocean. Both the Cuban and the French guy asked: "Why did you do that?" The American answered: "In America, we have many Mexicans."

Mean, I know. But it is funny.

#3A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.

However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet.

Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo replied,[spoiler] "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!" [/spoiler]

#4There was a blond, a brunet, and a red-head stranded on a desert island. The brunet guy found a bottle and rubbed it and a jenie popped out.
She told them that they could have one wish a piece.
They Brunet said "Well I wish I was back home with my family instead of on this hell hole."
With a poof, he was gone.
The red-head said "Well I don't have a family but I wish I was in the Playboy mansion."
poof he was gone.
She turned to the blond and requested his wish. He thought and though but couldn't deside. Finally he said "Well I'm kind of lonely and bored... I wish my friends were back here with me! "

#5. O.K. A man and his wife were going for a night on the town. He let his wife to the driving back home because he had drivin all day.. The man turned around and said, "I'm not gonna beat around the bush anymore. I want a divorce."

The wife looked at him, and pushed on the gas a little harder, making them go 40 instead of 35 in that area. The man went on.

"I want custody of the children too."

The wife grimaced and pushed harder on the gas, causing them to go 50.
"I also wan't the house."

She looked at him angerly and continued to push harder on the gas, causing them to go 60.

"I also want half the money."

The wife continued to push down the gas. Now they were going at 70 MPH. The husband looked and saw a wall in the distance headed for them. He thought that his wife would slow down before they reached it.

"So, is there anything you want?" He asked. The wall grew nearer, and yet she didn't slow down.

"No. I have everything I want right here." She said with an evil smile on her face.

"And what would that be?" the husband said.

[spoiler]"The airbag." She said. [/spoiler]

#6 3 couple died and went to heaven. St. Peter seperated the women from the men and asked them the same question privately.

St. Peter: "Ok we have a system here. Depending on how faithful you were to your spouce, depends on what kind of car you drive up here. Got it?"

The men nodded.

St. Peter asked the first man if he was faithful.

"Yes. Absolutely 100%, I never cheated on her once." he replied.

St. Peter told him very well and gave him the keys to Rols Royce nearby.

He asked the 2nd man the same question and he replied.

"Well... Kind of. The fist few years I didn't but as time progressed...."

St. Petter nodded and gave him the keys to a Pontiac.

He then asked the third guy the question.

"Well. No. I've cheated on her atleast once a week from the day we got married." he replied.

St. Peter shook his head and rolled a bycicle over to him.

About three hours later the guy on the bike passed the guy in the Roles Royce who was crying.

The guy on the bike said "Man what's wrong? You got this great car and everything."

The man replied. [spoiler] "It's my wife.... I just saw her on a pair of rollar skates!" [/spoiler]

#7 There were 2 guys camping out in the woods. They woke up one morining to find a tiger crouched behind them, ready to attack. The first guy begins to change his slippers to his running shoes. The second guy asks "What are you doing? You can't outrun a tiger!"

The first guy replies "I know. But I can outrun you."

#8 What do you call a vegitarian with diarea?

[spoiler]A Salad Shooter![/spoiler]

#9 Osama, Uncle Sam, and a Canadian farmer rubbed a lamp, and the jenie granted them each a wish.

Canadian: I want all of Canada to be my farmland

Osama: I want a wall around Afghanistan so that nothing can get in, and nothing can get out.

Uncle Sam: Fill it with water.

#10 O.K. This guy was walking along a beach, wishing he could go to Hawaii to see his girlfriend who recently moved there when he finds a lamp. He rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The Genie says "Thank you master for freeing me. I will now grant you one wish."

The guy thinks for awhile, then finally says "I want there to be a road from California to Hawaii!"

The genie grimaces at him. "Do you know how hard it would be to do that? That's next to impossible! There must be something else you can think of!"

"Um... uh... " Thinks for awhile, "...I want to understand women."

"You want that 2 lanes or 4."

10 jokes. Most of them clean.

[NashvilleDream]

ok, here's a really short one:

Why do cats eat cheese?
[spoiler]to attract the mice[/spoiler]

[Sara]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Leh [/i]
[B][size=1][color=red][b]Your joke wasn't funny. At all.[/b][/color][/size] [/B][/QUOTE] [FONT=arial]It got a smile out of me.

wrist cutter's made me laugh out loud, heh.



My current favorite joke is Chemistry-related. So, yeah. If you don't get it (and, well, you probably won't) don't feel too bad, and don't ask me to explain it. Google will give you an answer if you look hard enough.
---
[color=indigo]So Dr. Heisenberg is drving down the road, and he's pulled over by a policeman.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer demands.

"No," Heisenberg replies, "but I know where I am."[/color]

heh.[/FONT]

[Drix D'Zanth]

Sara's made me laugh! Good one, I'm definately going to tell that to my chemistry teacher. Ahah I did a powerpoint on the guy WAYY Back.

[Ben]

I've got a short one. It takes some people to get it though.

A guy walk into a bar and says: "Ouch!"

Repeat with emphasis:

A guy walks into a [B]bar[/B] and says: "Ouch!"

[terra]

I have a chemistry one I like ...

Two atoms are walking down the street. One stops and says, "Ah! I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!!"

[Drix D'Zanth]

A popular chem Joke: Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!

Ben, I dont get your joke... did the guy step on a tack or something? What happened? Are people just being mean? Did he open the door? Elaborate please.

-to the less astute , I was kidding, sometimes feigning ignorace is so much fun.

[Baron Samedi]

*wants to bash Crimson Spider for stealing his airbag joke from another Joke thread*

A duck walks into a bar, and asks for some bread.
'Sorry son, we don't have any bread, this is a liquor store'
Duck leaves. Next day the duck comes back

'Got any bread'
'No sonny, this is a liquor store
Duck leaves.

Next day the duck comes back
'Got any bread'
'No sonny, this is a.liquor store, and if you ask me for bread ever again II'll nail your beak to the counter'
Ducke leaves.

Next day the duck comes back
'Got any nails'
'No sorry, this is aliquor store'
'Got any bread then?'

Heh`````````

-------

A horse and a chicken are walking along the field, when the horse falls in a big hole.

"Help, Help, get my out' he yells.

"Wait a minute' says the chick 'I'll get the farmers car'

So he comes back in the farmers BMW and pulls the horse out with a rope attatched to the car.

THe next weekend they are walking through the same field, and the chicken falls in the hole

"HElp HElp, get me out' he yells. So the horse sticks his ..hhmmm Penis over the edge and pulls the chick out.

The motto of this story- You don't need a fast car to pull chicks, when you have a dick like a horse

*Sorry bout that. heh*

-----------

Will add some more from my 'database' when I get home.

Editness:


An Irish Cuckoo

Love the Irish!

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and
towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's pesenter, "but for $1
million
you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is rding on
this question......will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own
nest? (a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone
my
friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon." Mick called up his mate, told him the
circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick. "I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo as
my
answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the
correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that
doesn't
build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."
"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives in a clock!"

It takes me ages to delete the little arrows in front, so I will just leave them now. Excuse me for this.

It takes a Croatian man to make a girl feel like a
> > > woman.. .
> > >
> > > On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes
> > > through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful,
> > > and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
> > > struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses
> > > it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the
> > > plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then, she
> > > yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
> > > minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE
> > > on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"
> > >
> > > For a moment there is silence ... Everyone has
> > > forgotten their own peril. They all stared,
> > > riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
> > > plane. Then a Croatian man stands up in the rear of
> > > the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with
> > > dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
> > >
> > > He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning
> > > his shirt...
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > one button at a time...
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > No one moves...
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > He removes his shirt...
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Muscles are rippling across his chest. ...
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > She gasps uncontrollably......
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > He leans towards her...
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > She is about to faint...
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > He whispers...
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "Iron this."

----------------

> > > > A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
> > glances
> > > > up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
> > > >
> > > > He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat.
> > > >
> > > > A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she
> > takes
> > > > the seat right beside his.
> > > >
> > > > Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or
> > > > vacation?"
> > > >
> > > > "Nymphomaniac Convention in Milan," she states.
> > > >
> > > > Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
> > > >
> > > > Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next
to
> > him
> > > > and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
> > > >
> > > > Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's
your
> > > > business role at this convention?"
> > > >
> > > > "Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the
> > popular
> > > > myths about sexuality."
> > > > "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
> > > >
> > > > "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Black men are the
most
> > > > well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is
> most
> > > > likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
men
> > are
> > > > the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
> > > >
> > > > Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm
sorry,"
> > > she
> > > > says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your
> > > > name!".
> > > >
> > > > "Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."


-------------

 > > There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was
> > > very
> > > interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin
> > > down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
> > >
> > > As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually
the
> > > Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof
of
> > > one of
> > > their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was
so
> > > competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good
will,
> > > erecting
> > > the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and,
yes,
> I
> > > am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
> > >
> > > Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
> > > done,
> > > when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky
> > > opened the
> > > rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and
> > > knocking
> > > Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones
> > > surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
> > >
> > > Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so
> > > he got on
> > > his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
> > >
> > > And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:
> > >
> > > "Repaint! ........................ Repaint and thin no more!"

--------------------

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 132."

HEh. Funny.

---------------------


The newlyweds
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the
morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't
understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are
you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"


---------------------------------

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"


-----------------


An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

-----------------

From a talk by R. James Woolsey, Director of Central Intelligence, given at a conference on global organized crime.
"Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a true intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night Live) that the FBI made of itself while conducting an investigation in San Diego. It was sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with counterintelligence in Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call." FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping the hospital."
Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."
Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "I don't think so."

Laughed long at this.

-------------------------

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in
the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up & cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I
was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution
(even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, & I told
him
12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that
one! Then he
said,- "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he
said,-"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,
"Oh ****,"
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.


---------------------



Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."

Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:
"Will it take ME?"

============

10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
9) Is lighter fluid flammable?
8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
7) Are knives sharp?
6) Can sharks hurt a human?
5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
3) Can I go through a brick wall?
2) Can dogs talk?
1) Are blondes really dumb?


------------------------


Sorry for any ones people may find offensive. Most of them are just funny ones though.

[Zanarkand Abes]

CS, Joeks 5, 6, 7, 9, and10 were pretty funny but that blonde joke was used up way to much. Yet I loved the others a lot. I can't believe how well this thread is doing after just one day.

[Zen]

(no offense to the catholics, but this was written by a catholic preist, so, yeah.)

A pedaphile, a rapist, and a catholic preist walk into a bar. And thats just the first guy.

[The Original]

A monk, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar, sit down, and order a couple of drinks. A few minutes later, a fly lands in the monk's beer. The monk gently scoops the fly out and releases it, saying "Fly away, you small, gentle creature." Seconds later, the fly crashes into the rabbi's beer. Not to be outdone in his faith and kindness, he picks it out and says "Fly away, you little creature of God". The fly then immediantly does a nosedive into the priest's beer. The priest promptly grabs it by it's wings and lifts it up, screaming "Spit my beer back in that glass, you alcoholic sonofabitch!" Lol.

[instantramen14]

[color=purple] In israel to cover the fighting, a young reporter decided to look for a human intrest story. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old man whos been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! "Sir," she asked. "how long have ou veen coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For 50 years." "What do you pray for?" "for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after 50 years?" "like i'm talking to a wall."
------
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To get to the other slide!!!! hahaha (not)
------
A rabbi, a priest and a bishop have gone fishing on a lake. After they had ben fishing for an hour the rabbi says, "I have to go to the bathroom." so he gets out of the boat and walks across the water." A little while later comes back, and they start fishing again. A while after that the priest says, i ahve to go to the bathroom so he gets out of the boat and walks across the water. And 15 min after that he comes back. A half hour later the Bishop says i ahve to go to the bathroom. He gets out of the boat and sinks like a rock. Then the rabbi says to the priest, "we should have told him about the rocks."
------
[/color]

[Emme888]

This joke is wrong on so many levels:

"Why doesn't jesus like hockey?"

Cause he keeps gettin nailed to the boards....

sorry no offense to anyone or God, or Jesus

[Baron Samedi]

Well, he shouldn't go goalie then should he? Hhhhhmmm.

I am a bloke, but this one is funny.

Women like diiferent types of men depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. When ovulating, they like men with strong, masculine facial features. When menstruating, they like men with a hatchet in the back of their head, a plank up their butt, and their clothes on fire.

Heh. You can thank my mum for that one.

[Guest Magdalena]

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other?


























See you next month :)

[Vash's girl]

This old old couple were coming up on their 60th anniversary. They seemed to be the perfect couple; they never fought and always got along. There was one rule with the wife, though. She said never look in her "special" box. She had that rule even before they were married. Eventually, the old lady got very sick and it was only a matter of time before she died. The old man decided that he should look in the box since it doesn't really matter anymore. He grabbed the box and peeked in side. He saw thousands of dollars. Just wads of cash and 2 oven mits. He went to his wife and confessed to opening the box. He asked to be forgiven but wanted to know about the money and oven mits. The wife said that before she got married, she asked her mom what to do if they fought. Her mom said that she should knit oven mits every time she got mad. Well, the old man thought, that's pretty good if she only got 2 mits. But the old man still wanted to know about the money. The old woman replied that she got that money from selling all her oven mits.

[Annie]

Okay, I have a dumb one. It's another blonde joke, but it makes me giggle:

The blonde gets on the horse and tightly grips the reins(forgive my spelling). She knows this is going to be a rough ride and takes a deep breath. The horse starts to gallop, slow then it starts to get faster. The pace is quickeining w/every beat of the hoof. The mane blows in the breeze, the blonde brushes her hair back. She slips! The reins fall from her grasp! She leans onto the horses neck and slips from the saddle. One foot in a stirrup, she desperately tries to grab the horses mane and tries to pull herself up. Her struggle is futile, her body drags on the ground. Just before she gives up..the 25cents runs out...Hahaha, you get it..It was a machine adn it the time ran out!