Joke Thread

[Guest Skyechild91]

Now thats a joke that started all the stupid ones. I hve some stupis stuff. Here:
One time a blonde called me to get my phone number.

A blonde tried to put M&M's im alphabtical order.

Here is a blonde story:
A blonde walks into a shop. she says to the salesman," How much is tht TV?" The slesman said," we dont sell to blondes.' She left, and got her hair dyed. She came back and asked again. Th guy said again," We dont sell to blondes" so she went home puzzled. she came back the next day with her hair dyed and had a whole new wordrobe and acent. She asked again. The guy said, again," I told you, we dont sell to blondes." The blonde said," How did you know I was a blonde?" Guy" Because thats a microwave."
*************
A lot of yo may know this one, but for those who dont... enjoy!

[Annie]

HAHAHA I just heard that one a couple of days ago, it's still funny the second time around. I apologize to the mod's for the short pointless post.

[Ryoko T.D.C.]

I have a couple!

One day a blonde, red head, and broonet(sp?) Walk up a Mountin(sp?) and they see a wizard standing there.

"When you jump off this Mt., wish for something that will save you." He said.

The red head jumps first. "I wish I was a bird so I could fly away!" She turns into a bird and flies away.

The broonet jumps. "I wish I was a cat because they always land on their feet." She turns into a cat and lands on her feet and walks away.

The blonde jumps and says "CCCRRRAAAPPP!!!!!!"

I have another, But you might want to PM me for it.

[Annie]

Okay, yet another blonde joke:

Why did the blonde stare at a thing of frozen orange juice?

Because it said "concentrate".

Dumb I know...

[Xaru Silverfire]

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead in 3rd grade. Which one had the biggest boobs? The Blonde because she was 18.
x.x;
------------
This one is a little inappropriate.

A couple of days before Christmas, 3 grand kids of a woman slept over her house. She promised them she would make cookies for them if the behaved. Before she began to make the cookies she took out the cookie dough to thaw. An hour later, it was gone. So the old woman decided to mix metal BBs with the cookie dough to see who stole it. The cookie dough was left on the counter and sure enough, it disappeared again. A couple of moments later, the youngest girl walked into her grandma's room and told her that she was peeing BBs. Her grandma told her to sit down and she began a lecture about how stealing is wrong. But then, one of the boys came in the room and told the grandma that he was crapping metal BBs. Finally the last, and oldest boy ran in the room shouting,

"Quick, someone call the vet, I was masturbating in the garage and I shot the cat!"
----------
There were 2 people talking to eachother in a bar that was on the 15th floor of a tower. One was so wasted, that he was seeing double. One of the guys wasn't drunk at all. The one who wasn't drunk told the other one that if he gets drunk enough, he could jump out of the window, and bounce back up. The guy didn't believe him, so he told him to demonstrate. So the non-drunk one walked to the window, jumped, and bounced back up, unharmed. He did it one more time just to make everyone sure that he didn't have anything attached to him. The drunken guy got all exited and drank even more. He leaped out the window, hit the ground and died. Everyone ran out of the bar to see the man except for the one who jumped out the window first, and the bartender. The bartender started laughing and said,
"Superman, you're an *******."
---------
Somewhere in the middle of the desert, there was a gas station. Inside there was a camel that was crying; the owner didn't know how to shut him up so he put a bucket of money in the cage with the camel. Next the bucket read a sign that said, If anyone can make this camel stop crying he or she may have all of this money. One day someone walked in and asked if he could try to make it stop crying. The man told him gladly to try. The man brought the camel in the bathroom. 5 minutes later they both came out, the camel laughing. The next day the camel was still laughing and the bucket was next to him with the same sign but the sign read, If anyone can make this camel stop [strike]crying[/strike] laughing he or she may have all of this money. The man walked back into the gas station, and saw the camel. He brought it in the bathroom and 5 minutes later, they both came out, the camel crying. The man picked up the bucket of money and started walking out the door when the owner of the gas station said, "Wait, how did you get him to stop crying, then stop laughing?"
The man said, "Well the first time I brought him in the bathroom, I told him I had a bigger penis than him. The second time, I proved it.
-------
Once there was a husband, wife, and 3 children. One of them a girl, the other boys. One day the youngest one of them walked up to the dad and said, "Daddy, how did I get my name?"
That dad said, "Well, when you were a baby, a rose fell on your head, so we named you rose."
The middle boy said, "How did I get my name?
The father said, "When you were a baby a stapler fell on your head, so we named you stapler.
The oldest started screaming, "Ahuhfbfudghadfjgh"
The father said, "Shut up cinder block!"

Those are few of what I know, but I need to finish an essay. x.x;

~Xaru.

[Jokopoko]

[COLOR=TEAL][SIZE=1][B]Heh, I know this is a little short, but anywho:

Why did the Football team fire their Answering Machine as the Goal Keeper?

When ever the ball got near the Machince said 'Sorry, no bodys in right now'[/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Isus]

ok this ones kinda stupid

bill clinton,bill gates and the monarch of Russia were sitting at thier desks when all of a sudden there was a bright light, and they were together in front of a mytiacal blue light. the light says- I am God. my people hae sinned for too long, i will destroy the world in 7 days if this doesnt change- another flash and thier back at thier desks. Bill clinton calls all his officials and tells them he has good and bad news good news- there is a God, bad news- he is destroying the world in 7 days, Monarch of Russia calls all his officials and tells them he has bad news and worse news, bad news there is a God, worse news he is destroying the world in 7 days. Bill gates calls all his workers and says, i have good news and better news, There is a God, better news we wont have to upgrade windows 98........

I know, not that funny.....no offense to russians, bill gates or any relatives of bill gates.....

[Lord Rannos]

i have a few,

#1: A gorrilla walks into a bar and sits down.The bartender says,"we dont serve your kind here." the gorrilla left, then came back in and slapped a 20 down.The bartender thought the gorrilla was pretty stupid, so he gave him a beer and $1 in change.As the gorrilla was sipping the beer, the bartender says,"we dont get many people like you." the gorilla replies,"for 19 bucks a beer, i bet you dont."

#2:A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar, the bartender says,"ill serve you here, but dont you be starting anything."

#3:3 guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducked.

#4: (kinda long)Once upon a time, there was an old man who worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a miser, he lived like a pauper, he hardly had food, but he loved his money more than just about anything else in the world. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I need my money in the afterlife. Can you promise me that you'll do that?"

His wife was faithful, so she promised him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all his money in the casket. So, when the old man died his wife gave him a proper funeral. He was laid out in a beautiful casket and his faithful wife was in the front row at the funeral parlor dressed in black sitting beside her best friend. When the ceremony ended, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife rose from her seat and said, "Wait just a minute!" With that, she placed a box inside the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

The friend grabbed the wife by the arm and said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in the casket with that man were you?'

The wife said to her friend, "Listen, I am a Christian woman and I can never lie. I promised him that I was going to put the money in his casket with him and I did."

The friend was horrified and asked, "You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket with that man?"

The wife replied, "I sure did...I wrote him a check!"

#5: Koebe Bryant, Hillary Clinton, George Bush, The Pope, and a little school girl are in a plane when it begins to crash, they looked, but there were only 4 parachutes.Koebe said,"i have a really important game tonight and alot of people are counting on me, so i gotta live!" so he took a parachute and jumped.Hillary Clinton said,"well, im an important senator and possible future president, so i have to live!" so she took a parachute and jumped.George Bush said,"well, i'm the president of this country, and that means i own it!plus, i'm the genius of this country, so i gotta live!"he took a parachute and jumped.the pope turned to the little girl and said,"i am old and withered, but you are young, you should have my parachute." "don't bother,"said the little girl."the "genius" of our country just took my backpack."

[Katana]

Oh! I love blonde jokes and I have two!

#1: Two blondes were on vacation and they saw a sign that said Disney Land left.
So they went home.

#2: There were three girls in a car, speeding and being chased by two cops. One was a brunett, one was a redhead, and the other was a blonde.
So, they manage to get ahead of the cops and jump out of their car and (somehow) land in three potato sacks.
The cops get out of their car and investigate the potato sacks. The first one kicks the first bag, with the brunette in it and she goes "Woof woof!"
"Ah, it's only a dog."
The second cop kicked the third bag and the redhead goes "Meow! Meow!"
"Aw, it's only a cat."
The first cop kicks the third bag, with the blonde, and she goes "Potato potato. Potato potato."

[ladyperson7890]

lol i love these jokes...especially the blonde ones...

okay i got one

there were three women on a desert island. one a brunette another a red-head and the other a blonde.
they were about 10miles away from a different island...so the brunette said that she was going to swim there and get help
well she swims about 3miles and gets a cramp and drowns
meanwhile the red-head gets a little worried so she decides to try and go. so she swims about 4 miles and doesn't think she can make it so she goes back
next the blonde goes out and swims about 5 miles and doesn't think she can make it...so she swims back

:P

[Ryoko T.D.C.]

A blonde a brunette and a red-head were on a deserted island when they found a magic lamp. A genie pops out.

"I will grant each of you 1 wish each."

The red-head say's: "I wish I was home with my family again." So she goes home.

The brunette say's: "I also wish I was home with my family."
So she goes home.

The genie looks down and sees the blonde crying. "Why are you crying?" He asks.

"I wish my friends were here with me!" She says.

Haha! She wishs they were back with her!

[Ravenstorture]

[font=gothic] [color=darkgreen]
Ever wondered what the Downlands Otaku Crew get up to when they're together? Well, here it is...[/color]

[size=2][center]BABY JOKES!![/center]

[color=crimson]Warning[/color][/size][color=darkgreen]- if you have any regard for human life, try not to read this post. Seriously, these ones are incredibly twisted, and I take full responsibility (not blaming anything on the rest of the DOC, that is.) I do not in any way support any of these actions, I realise they're sick, but enjoyable when you don't take them seriously... please don't take it seriously... Yes, I'm female, and my womb is functional...

Thanks to Jesus Chicken, Mrs Berzinski and Micheal BBQ for this extrodinary cache of disgusting jokes. But they're my favorite.[/color]

[spoiler]How do youy get ten babies in a bucket? With a barmix. How do you get them out again? With corn chips. How do you get one off a clothesline? By hitting it with a shovel. How do you find one in long grass? With a lawnmower. (Personally, I use a combine harvester - saves time.)Why's it easier to mass-move babies than golf balls? Can't shovel golf balls with pitchforks. Why would you shovel babies with pitchforks? So you can tell which ones are alive. What's the difference between a headless baby and a whiteboard marker? You don't get strange looks when you write with whiteboard markers. What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby? Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples. What's purple and spins round and round, tapping on the glass? Baby in a microwave. What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before you jump on the trampoline. What can a blind, deaf quadraplegic baby get for it's birthday? Cancer. What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume! What's blue and yellow and sits on the bottom of the pool? Baby with slashed floaties. (thanks Lilac Oranges) What's green and yellow and sits on the bottom of the pool? Same baby, three weeks later. (Um, my leaf catcher's gone missing?) Why can't the baby get through the door? It has a javelin through it's head. What do you call a mangled baby hanging on the wall? Art. How do you make a baby run faster? Chase it with a lawnmower. How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them. How many does it take to wallpaper a room? Depends on how thinly you slice them. (the beauty of those two is you can use anything - blonds, politicians, etc). What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.
Getting nastier now...
What's red and silver and runs into walls? Baby on a bullbar. What's brown and gurgles? A baby in a casserole. What's red and white and sits in the corner, getting smaller and smaller? Baby with a vegetable peeler. What's red and white and screams? A peeled baby in a bag of salt. (I know, that one's not even funny. But I laughed.) What's more fun than stapling a baby to wall? Ripping it off again. [/spoiler]

There are some that are much, much, much worse... but I'd be surprised if I don't get into trouble for posting these. [/font]

[Baron Samedi]

Ravenstorture... you have given my an incredible gift. I have laughed harder just then than I have all day. I have heard a few of those before, but thankyou. You have truly made my day. I heard a variation of one of yours though...

Whats the difference betweeen a truckload of sand, and a truckload of babies?




You can't load sand with a pitchfork.

[Kanariya]

Okay, I have a joke but it's kind of disgusting. I hope you like it :D

There was this girl and she fell asleep in class. The teacher came up to her and asked, "Who created people?" A person poked the girl and she woke up saying, GOD ALMIGHTY! The teacher replied that's correct. The girl fell back asleep.
The teacher came up to her again and asked, "Who was put on the cross?" The person poked her with a pencil again and she yelled, JESUS CHRIST! The teacher said that's correct. Then the girl fell back asleep again.
The teacher came up to her again and asked, "What did Eve say after she had a child with Adam?" The person poked her with a pencil, and the girl replied, IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I WILL KILL YOU!

I thought that joke was hilarious!!! I hope you liked it too!!!

[Ares]

A blonde and burnette fall off a cliff at the same time and they are travelling at the same speed. The burnette hits the ground first. Why?




















(Because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions)
:laugh:

[Guest cloricus]

I'm sorry for this short post but this is a joke I was just shown and I think it really warrants a place with all the baby jokes (and might already be up there).

[b]Why didn't they crucify baby Jesus?[/b]
[i]I don't know why they didn't either.[/i]

I don't know why but right now this is the funniest baby joke I have ever seen, just popped out while I was reading. Btw I hope this doesn?t offend any one who believes in what ever.

[Baron Samedi]

*Laughs at cloricus*

Ingenious Invention #001- Ejector seat in a helicopter.
Ingenious Invention #002- Waterproof teabags
Ingenious Invention #003- A working memory. I forgot the other jokes. Damn.

[The Harlequin]

[font=gothic][color=indigo]And since Raven's not posting some of them, I'll have to. And a few others. And I take no responsibility for anyone these offend.

[spoiler]When it comes to sex, what's better than having two sixteen year olds with you? Having sixteen two year olds...

What's the best thing about having sex with a baby? Hearing the pelvis crack....Blame Jesus Chicken for those two. [/spoiler]

Hmm, a blonde one.

One day, a blonde woman was driving through the country. She was doing this because she was depressed. Why was she depressed? Because she was lonely. It seemed that no one wanted to be with her, all because she was blond. Why, the previous night she'd dyed her hair and gone out, and it still hadn't worked. Anyway, she was driving along, and up ahead she sees a herd of sheep, with a farmer tending to it. Suddenly, she thinks "A pet sheep! Wouldn't that be fun!"

So she pulls up and gets out of the car, and walks over to the farmer. "Can I help you ma'am?". The blonde replies "If guess how many sheep are in this flock, can I have one?" The farmer thinks about it a while, and says "Yeah, I guess.". The blonde pauses a second, then says "61". "Wow, that's amazing! Well, I guess you did get it right, so you can go and pick your sheep out".

So, the blonde walks through the herd a while, and sees the perfect sheep. She falls in love with it on the spot. She immediately runs over and places a hand on its neck, gently bringing it along with her.

She gets back to the farmer, and he looks at her choice a moment, then at her. Then he says "Okay, how about if I guess your original hair colour, you give me my dog back?".

I'm normally not one for blonde jokes, but that's not that bad.


Here's another alright one.

[spoiler]There was a plane going to London, and a blonde woman was on it. She was flying second class. Mid way through the flight, she suddenly decided to get up, walk into the first class section, and sit down. A flight attendant saw this, and walked over. "May I see your ticket please?" When it became apparent that the blonde was not meant to be in first class, the flight attendant asked her to please return to second class. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I've got big tits, and I'm going London first class". The flight attendent tried for several more minutes, unsucessfully, before giving up and informing the captain.

The captain walked up to the woman, and asked her to move. The blonde again replied "I'm blonde, I've got big tits, and I'm going London first class". The captain looked at her a moment, then whispered something in her ear. The blonde cheerfully stood up, said okay, I'd better go back then, and walked back to second class.

Once she was out of earshot, the captain turned to the flight attendent, winked knowingly, and said "I simply told her that the first class of this plane was not going to London"[/spoiler]


That's enough for now, I think.[/font][/color]

[Guest cloricus]

Flynn you have repeated those two first jokes so often that I'm starting to think that you are supplementing raven with orphans that you are picking up off the street and taking home... (Oh you?re a mod now!)

Okay lets get onto some good classics, I present the LiamC2 collection -
[center][img]http://www.otakuboards.com/attachment.php?s=&postid=495516[/img][/center]

[Baron Samedi]

I have heard that blonde one before. Actually both of them. That [spoiler] sixteen two year olds[/spoiler] one is absolutely awful. You sick person you. Heh. And so was the one about the [spoiler] cracking pelvis[/spoiler] that is sick and disgusting. I suppose it is slightly amusing, but more disturbing than anything. Heh.

[Ravenstorture]

[color=darkgreen][font=gothic] Of course! How could I forget this one?

A woman was relaxing after an intense nine hour period of labour when the doctor walks back into the delivery room with her baby. He walks towards her, the baby in outstretched arms, when all of a sudden he trips and the infant flies out of his arms and smacks into the wall, sliding down the plaster in a bloody trail onto the floor. The woman stares, shocked, thinking she must have imagined it. The doctor, however, walks over to the baby, picks it up by a leg, looks at it, whacks it against the wall, and when it does nothing, throws it out the window and wipes his hands on his coat, muttering, "Well, that was a waste of nine hours then."

The woman begins to scream, shrieking and losing her breath at the outrageous sight she has been witness to. The doctor, looking amused, walks to her bedside and begins to laugh. "Haha, April fools! It was a stillborn!"

It's gags like those that make me want to become a paediatrician.[/font][/color]

[Guest Chris]

heh, that was sick man. funny as hell, but still sick.

[lea]

Ravenstorture, as one training to be a maturnity nurse/midwife, that joke is pretty nasty....
me, personally, i hate baby jokes....

----------------------

ok, if this is considered double posting, even though the posts are about 2, 3 days apart, just tell me, k?

six guys are playing poker. after losing $500 on one hand, smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. to decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. anderson picks the shortest one.
"break it to her gently" they urge.
"leave it to me" he says.
when smith's wife comes to the door, anderson says, "your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"HOW MUCH??" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "tell him to drop dead!!"
____________________________________________

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for the doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. they're fine," He says. "Your brother named them"
*Oh, no*, the new mother thinks. *he is an idiot.* expecting the worst, she asks,"Whats the girl's name?"
"Denise" the doctor says.
*Not bad* she thinks. *I guess I was wrong about him* "and the boy?"
"DeNephew"
____________________________________________

Phil visits his doctor after weeks of not feeling well.
"i have bad news," says the doctor. "you don't have long to live."
"how long hae i got?" asks a distraught phil.
"ten," the doctor says sadly.
"ten? ten what? months? days?"
the doctor interrupts, "nine..."

[Baron Samedi]

Uuh. Yeah. That is double posting. No-matter how long it has been. I believe o_0

If you want to make it a new post. copy its old content, delete it, and make a new one. Or just Edit your post.

Yeh...

P.S I am now a member. w00t. 507 posts...

[Mitch]

[size=1] Indeed, it [i]is[/i] double posting. It isn't quite my place to call this...since I no longer moderate this forum (I used to), but yes, it's still double posting.

If I had the power, lea, I would combine your two posts into one.

And here's another tip. If you want to push a topic that last you posted in up, but can't double post, then you simply copy your old post, then delete it. After doing so, make a new post, and copy your old post and make your new one in it together. By this you will be able to post your next post, as well as push whatever topic back up.

And Raven, I loved that joke. It's right up my alley. You don't know how long I laughed at that, and if you could only have seen the little devious smirk I got just while reading through it only half way.[/size]