Joke Thread

[Zanarkand Abes]

You know Ravenstorture, however funny that was, it was still pretty wrong, I mean come on now, smacking babies against a wall!?! Where do you come up with that stuff? Maybe we should keep baby abuse out of our jokes what do y'all say?

[CharmedImmortal]

[size=1] The baby jokes are kinda scary. o.o; But not my decision whether you ppl should post those jokes or not.

...
Hey! I got a few jokes to share too. u.u

Well, here it goes...

#1
(Science Teacher teaching class rules)

Teacher:
Okay, now class, I will discuss about why girls should not bring any make up at school, especially those lip-sticks. The reason why girls should not bring lip-sticks is that they might vandalize the girl's bathroom in this school and they are not allowed to do that, as what it says in your school rules in your agenda. Another reason why we cannot bring lipstick is that....(grabs his red marker from his table and takes off the cap of the marker)

Student: Umm...excuse me, mister...but are you going to put that marker on as lipstick? o.O;;

#2
(Lunch Time)

Girl: Hey! I'm hungry, where should we sit now?
Friend: I dunno, I'm hungry too, wanna go in the bench?
Girl: Nah! Those girls are freaking me out.
Friend: Then umm...Where should we ****?
Girl: Um..excuse me?
Friend: O.O;; I mean where should we sit?

((I guess posting with bad words is not allowed, is it? o.O
But I'm sorry!!! >.<))

#3
(School Day in Kindergarten)

Teacher: Now, class, pay attention. We're going to learn our ABC's, okay with you, class?
Students: Yes, ma'am!
Teacher: Okay, I would like someone to volunteer and go up to the front of the class.
Students: (acted so innocently so they would get picked)
Teacher: Okay, our volunteer for today will be you, young boy (points to the boy, who wasn't paying attention)
Boy: Okay, ma'am (goes to the front)
Teacher: Now, tell me, what's the first letter of the alphabet?
Boy: ...I dunno, ma'am

((Belle rang))

Teacher: Well, your homework would be telling me what the letter of the alphabets are, now go on!
Boy: (Goes home)

((At Home))

Boy: (cames in and goes to the kitchen) Hey, Mom! I have this homework, and would you be gladly to help me?
Mom: (washing the dishes)...
Boy: I guess that's a yes...Well, here I go, okay?
Mom: (still washing the dishes)...
Boy: Hmm...okay, Now, what's the first letter of the alphabet?
Mom: Shut Up!
Boy: Cool...(goes out the kitchen and goes to her sister)
Sister: (Listening to her cd player and was singing)
Boy: Hey, sis! What's the second letter of the alphabet?
Sister: That's the way uh huh uh huh I like it uh huh uh huh! (was singing)
Boy: Cool! (and goes to the living room and saw her brother watching TV)
Boy: Hey! Bro! What's up? Do you know what's the third letter of the alphabet?
((TV Showed Batman's intro))
Brother: Batman! Batman! Batman!
Boy: Ooo, cool, thanks! (and goes to his dad who is outside)
Dad: (throwing the garbages)
Boy: Hey dad! Do you know what's the fourth letter of the alphabet?
Dad: (sings) To the trash can! To the trash can! (then whistles)
Boy: Awesome!

((Next day at school))

Teacher: Okay, boy, did you do yor homework that I assigned you to do?
Boy: Yes, ma'am, and I'm really proud of myself that I did! (grins)
Teacher: Well, good for you, now tell me what is the first letter of the alphabet?
Boy: Shut up!
Teacher: Pardon? Do you want to go to the principal, young man?
Boy: That's the way uh huh uh huh I like it uh huh uh huh
Teacher: Go to the principal right now!
Boy: Is it because I did well?
Teacher: Just Go! (scream)
Boy: Okay (smiles as he walk to the principal's office)

((Principal's Office))
Principal: I see that you got into trouble.
Boy: I did?
Principal: Now tell me your name, young man?
Boy: Batman! Batman!
Principal: And where do you live?
Boy: To the trash can! To the trash can!

And that's what I all have. ^_^;;[/size]

[Jesus Chicken]

[color=blue]I'd just like to accept full responsibility for most of those baby jokes. Still, I give it about a day or two before this thread gets closed because Sere Tuscumbia gets offended again.
Don't worry Raven doesn't come up with it. Well she came up with some of it. Well done Luci, I feel like I've achieved something.[[/color]

[Zanarkand Abes]

Hey CharmedImmortal, could you explain those first two jokes to me? I get the third one but the others, (especially the first) evade me.

[CharmedImmortal]

[size=1]Well...I wish I won't get punished for double posting, if that's what I'm doing right now, but if i'll get punished, I might as well delete this post...But since you asked..:Sigh:

Okay, well the first one was about when the teacher was about to open the cap of the red marker, and since it was a red marker, this guy thought that the teacher was going to put the marker on, AS a lipstick, like you know, the teacher was going to put on the marker as a lipstick for his lips. o.O;;;

And the second one, well, this girl, mistaken to pronounce the word sit to $h!+. So her friend thought that the girl was asking
"Where should we $h!+?"
But then the girl wasn't because the mistaken to pronounce the word sit wrong.

These jokes are from my friends and the first one happened in real life in my science class in the first day of school o.o[/size]

[MeNaCe]

In training for the CIA the 3 recruits were put through the last test`your family is behind that door `sed the commander `i want you to shoot them then you'll be in`.
The first man said no,i cant do it,he failed and was thrown out.
The second man was just about to pull the trigger but he backed out at the last minute.

The Blonde came out and sed `the gun was filled with blanks so i had to beat them to death wih a chair leg`

[Zanarkand Abes]

Some Redneck jokes

You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend.
--------

Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.
--------

IRELAND
?Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it??

FRANCE
?Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren?t the French just Germans who can make sauces??

ITALY
?Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O?s! ?

POLAND
?Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs??

GERMANY
?Is this bratwurst kosher??

TURKEY
?Where?s the hash at? It?s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds??

KOREA
?Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him??

CHINA
?This wall isn?t so great.?

ENGLAND
?Did you ever get a piece of *** from that Diana chick??

SWEDEN
?Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke??

YEMEN
?Yemen? That?s a stupid name for a country. What?s it mean -- ?Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ??

INDIA
?You don?t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here??

ETHIOPIA
?After a long day of travel, I?m famished. Hey ? those flies sure love your pregnant son!?

CANADA
?You?re like Americans without money.?

SPAIN
?So, this is the country that?s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos??

SOUTH AFRICA
?I liked it better the other way.?

MEXICO
?What's that smell??

SAUDI ARABIA
?Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what??

RUSSIA
?Is it always this cold and economically devastated??

UZBEKISTAN
?Can you spell Uzbekistan??

GREECE
?I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
?Seriously, where is the real country? where is everything??

JAPAN
?What?s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi??

AUSTRALIA
?How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure??

AMERICA
?Was John Wayne gay??

[DigiFan]

I have a few jokes:

#1 A man leaves his house after a huge dinner and is driving around on a road trip. After about three hours of driving he has to take a crap. The is not a gas station around for miles. A couple miles down the road he runs into an abandoned gas station "well it's better than waiting for another couple hours" he says to him self. He enters the bathroom and takes a crap, but then he realises there is not toilet tissue. On the back of the bathroom door there is a sign. The sign says "Wipe you butt with two fingers then stick them through this hole and they will be licked clean." The man figures he has no other choice and does what the sign says. A person stands on the other side of the wall with two bricks and smashes his two fingers. The man pulls back his fingers and sticks them in his mouth.

#2 What did the mathmaticly inclined acorn say when he grew up gee-im-a-tree (Geometry joke)

#3 A (non-African American) man wakes up with a horrible hang over. He looks down at his hand and sees a ring on his wedding finger and (insert hot star here) sleeping next to him. He gets out of bed and goes to the fridge to get a drink and inside of it was a suit case full of money. Next he walks to the window to look out and see a gang of KKK members shouting for him to come out. At this point he is thinking what is going when he sees a leprecaun passed out on the floor. He asked him what was going on? The leprecaun explaned that the man saved his life the night before and was granted three wishes. The first wish he already knew he wanted a supermodel wife. What about the second he asked? The leprecaun replied you wanted a cool million. And the KKK members? You wished to be HUNG like a black man.

Thats all hope they don't offend anyone.

[Oukan05]

It's been a while, but I have a joke that I made up about a month ago; or two. I don't know if anyone has thought about it first or heard it before, but this one can to my mind. Also, it maybe gross.

Ok. Here it goes.

Up in the sky, there were three ballons. The Red, Blue and Yellow ballon were flying up in the sky; and filled with different emotions.

The Red ballon said; "I feel so mad. I can't stand it!!":mad:

The Blue ballon said;"I feel so sad. I'm so blue!":(

Then, the Yellow ballon begins to shake like crazy. Both the Red and Blue ballon ask;"What's the matter with you?"

The Yellow ballon says;"I have to go to the bathroom!"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Funny huh?:laugh:

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[b]Helping little brother[/b]
Two boys, one nine and one four, go into a grocery store and head over to the femine higien isle. A few minutes later they come up to the check out stand with a box of tampons.
The cashier looks at the two boys and says-Oh these must be for your mother right?
The nine year-old shakes his head.
The cashier tries again-Then are they for your sister?
The nine year-old says-No
The cashier is now confused and says-Well, if they're not for your mom and they're not for your sister, then who are they for?
The nine year old says-My little brother?
The cashier looks shocked and says-Your little brother, right here? Why?
The nine year-old says-Yes, in the commercials they say that you can swim and ride a bike wearing one of these things and my little brother can't do either.:laugh:

:freak:

[Oukan05]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by ChibiHorsewoman [/i]
[B][b]Helping little brother[/b]
Two boys, one nine and one four, go into a grocery store and head over to the femine higien isle. A few minutes later they come up to the check out stand with a box of tampons.
The cashier looks at the two boys and says-Oh these must be for your mother right?
The nine year-old shakes his head.
The cashier tries again-Then are they for your sister?
The nine year-old says-No
The cashier is now confused and says-Well, if they're not for your mom and they're not for your sister, then who are they for?
The nine year old says-My little brother?
The cashier looks shocked and says-Your little brother, right here? Why?
The nine year-old says-Yes, in the commercials they say that you can swim and ride a bike wearing one of these things and my little brother can't do either.:laugh:

:freak: [/B][/QUOTE]


:laugh: :laugh: Now that's gross, and YET SO FUNNY!!!:laugh:
You totally beat me. :laugh: :bawl: :laugh:

[IceWolfEyes]

1) An old Jewish man, upset that his son had converted to christianity, cryed to the heavens:
"God! Please help my first born son, he has turned against the one, true God! Please Help him!"
And to this God replyed:
"What do you think I can do about it? My son started the whole thing!"

2)Why did the Jewish people wonder around the desert for 40 years? Someone dropped a quarter

3)How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2-one to change the bulb, the other to kick the chair out from under the first.

4)Jesus was making his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, whit-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play--you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?"
"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more then anything to find him."
Tears sprang to Jesus' eyes. "Father!" he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "Pinocchio!"

5) An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and tells her she can have any three wishes she wants.
"Well," says the little old lady, "I guess I'd like to be really rich."
And-poof!-her rocking chair turns into solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being changed into a lovely young princess."
And-poof!-she's metamorphosed into a dazzling young woman.
"You get a third wish," reminds the fairy godmother gently, and just then the old lady's cat walks across the porch in front of them.
"Can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks, and -poof!- there before her stands a young man more handome than her wildest imaginings.
With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

6)Dead baby jokes: [spoiler]What does it take to make a dead baby float? One scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby.
How did the dead baby cross the road? Stapled to the chicken
Why do they boil water when a baby's being born? So that if it's born dead, they can make soup.
What's red and squirms in the corner? A baby with a razor blade.
What's blue and squirms in the corner? A baby in a baggie.
What's green and sits in the corner? Same baby two weeks later
What's red and hangs from the ceiling? A baby on a meathook.
Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first? So you can watch its expression.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the window? A baby in a microwave.[/spoiler] If you don't want to read these, then don't. If ya do, then don't complain. Very simple.

[Kanariya]

Okay, here's another joke.

There was a little boy (2 years old) and he wanted to take a shower one morning. The mother agreed, but told the little boy to not look up or down.
Being stubborn the boy did, and yelled pointing to her breasts, "Mom what are those?"
She replied, "Those are my headlights."
The kid looked down, and pointed and said, "Mom what's that?"
She replied, "That's my garage."

The next day the kid wanted to take a shower with his dad, his dad agreed, but told the kid to not look down. Being stubborn, the kid did.
He yelled, "Daddy what's that?"
His dad replied, "That's my car!"

Well the next night, the kid couldn't get to sleep. So he crawled into bed with his parents since they let him, but his mother warned, "Just don't look under the covers!"
Being stubborn the boy looked under the covers, and yelled,

[spoiler]MOM TURN YOUR HEADLIGHTS ON, DADDY'S CAR IS GOING IN YOUR GARAGE!!!!![/spoiler]

Gross, but funny to me.

[CharmedImmortal]

Lol that's funny, Inuluvr1.

Here's my jokes...Knock Knock Jokes. Enjoy!

Knock, Knock
Who?s there?
I know it was you.
Crap.

Knock, knock
Who?s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can?t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can?t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the dancing candelabra?

Knock, knock
Who?s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I?m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?

Knock, knock
Who?s there?
You sure you don?t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I?m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?

Knock, knock
Who?s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean? Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!

Knock, knock
Who?s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it?s for you!

Knock, knock
Who?s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-*** loser.
Don?t hit me! Don?t hit me!

Knock, knock
Who?s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn?t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a bucket - my knuckles are melting?
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.

Knock, knock
Who?s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? ?HEIL ME!? Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You?re just trying to annoy me now.
Do you really have just one testicle?
You?d think I miss it, but I don?t

Knock, knock
Who?s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?

Knock, knock
Who?s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.

And That's that! ^_^

[Zanarkand Abes]

Ooooookkaaaaayyyyyyy!?! I did not understand a single joke you just told CharmedImmortal. But any way here is one a guy at work told me.

There was a group of people in the desert throwing stones at a lady in the middle. All of a sudden Jesus came up and asked what they were doing. "She is a prostitute and must be stoned for her sins!" Jesus looked at the crowd and said, " let he who has not sinned throw the first stone. They all looked at eachother resigned and embarrased when all of a sudden a rock came shooting from the clouds. Jesus looked up and said, "I am trying to make a point Dad."

[CharmedImmortal]

Aheh? I guess my joke is not understandable. o.o
My friend told me it amd I know that she told me that.

Another joke....

Man: Doctor I need help.
Doctor: what's the problem?
Man: Whenever i opened the refrigerator, the light bulb opens, and whenever i close it, the light bulb turns off. Why does that happen?
Doctor: Are you sure this happens to you?
Man: (nods) Yes, doctor.
Doctor: (goes and talks to the man's wife amd tp;ds jer what her hudband's problem is)
Wife: Doctor, You did not understand what my husband just old you?
Doctor: No.
Wife: Whenever my husband opens the refrigerator he pees inside it and whenever he closed it, he stops peeing, It's not about the light bulb, it's about him!

I guess this is kinda funny....or...I don't know. o.O;

[moonlight angel]

I got this from a friend, I thought it was pretty funny:

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

House is feminine "la maison," but Pencil is masculine "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is a computer?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -male and female- and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[ChibiHorsewoman]

I've got some dead Baby jokes but for discressionary reasons I've blanked them. I also have another joke as well

[spoiler]Q:whats more fun that spinning a baby around a clothesline?
A:stopping it with a shovel!
Q:whats funnier than a dead baby?
A: a dead baby in a clown suit!
[/spoiler]
Sorry, my stupid cat hit the mouse

A man walks into a grocery store and asked a cashier where the tampons were kept, The cashier points down an isle and the man goes off.
A few minutes later the man goes through the same cashier's lane, he places some string and a bag of jumbo sized cotton balls on the belt.
The cahsier looks at the man and says-"I thought you were getting tampons."
The man replies-" I was, but last week when I sent my wife out for cigarettes she came back with a can of loose tobacco and some rolling papers so I figured if I had to roll my own, so does she."

How do you get a one armed blond out of a tree?
Wave
What do you call a no armed no legged man floating in the water?
Bob
What do you call a no armed no legged man laying in the ground?
Matt(think Mat)
What do you call a no armed no legged man hanging on the wall?
Art

[Zanarkand Abes]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shin, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. they continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get our mother!"

[Kanariya]

This one is a bit dirty, but I like it. It's kind of like a joke.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some marajuana, (spl?)
Jack got high and dropped his fly then said do you wanna?
Jill said yes and dropped her dress and then they had some fun,
Silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

My friend told me that...

[Guest Heezay]

What did the farmer say when he lost his truck?
"I lost my truck"

I'll get some better ones in a while....

[Guest Heezay]

A rehead, blonde and brunette were going to be executed by a firing squad at the crack of dawn. When the time came, the brunette went first, she stood against the wall. The squad chanted" get ready, get set..." but then, the brunette yelled "TORNADO!" which caused the squad to whirl around and look. The brunette escaped over the fence.

Next came the redhead, she stood against the wall as the squad chanted" get ready.. get set.." but the redhead interrupted by yelling " HURRICANE!" which caused the squad to whirl around and look. The redhead escaped as well.

The blonde's turn was next. She stood against the wall as the squad chanted "get ready, get set..." but the blonde interrupted by yelling, "[B]FIRE!![/B]"

EDIT: Whoops, sorry for double posting!

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[COLOR=red][b]I'm in an evil mood :evil2:[/b]
q.Why did God create man before woman?
a.Because even God enjoys a good joke
q.What did God say after creating Man?
a.I can do better than that!
q.How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
a.Wave[/COLOR]

[wiccansamurai]

Here's some wiccan humor... heehee.


**** Happens...

Dianaic: **** happens when men are around.

Norse: If **** happens, beat the crap out of it.

Feminist: Get in touch with your inner ****.

Solitary: If **** happens; Duck!

Eco-Feminist: We've got to clean up this ****.

Gardenarian: **** happens in degrees.

Alexandrian: **** happens because Gardner told us so.

Dabbler: We have ways of making **** happen.

Eclectic: We make our own ****.

Newbie: I don't understand this ****. -OR-
I like this ****.

Ceremonial Magician: No-one understands my ****.

Wiccan: You must balance your ****.

Witch: I can use this ****.

Druid: This is old ****.

Greek: Let's drink to this ****.

Reconstructionist: This **** happened before.

Celtic: This **** keeps happening to us.

Modern Western: We'll fight to keep our ****.

Fundamentalist: We know who to blame for this ****.

Priest: This **** happens every year.

Traditionalist: Don't tell anyone about this ****.

Fam-Trad: I inherited this ****.

Visionary: Let's smoke this ****.

Former Catholics: If **** happens, I'm not to blame, I'm not to blame...

Techno-Pagan: This **** always happens when I'm online.

---------------------------------------

Top Ten ways to annoy a pagan:

10. Sayyyyyyy, is that a Jewish star?

9. No, then you must listen to Motley Crue, right? Not that, either? I know, it's a ... a ... Pentacost, right?

8. You guys really worship the devil, huh? Cool, I, like, listen to Black Sabbath, like, all the time, dude.

7. Oh, you're a Witch! I'm like, totally into, like, Goddess Consciousness. I sleep with a crystal every night, and have an Atlantean spirit guide. Will you teach me all the secrets of your religion?

6. I hear you Pagans do all your stuff in the nude. Wanna show me?

5. You will all burn in Hell. The Goddess is really Satan in drag. You don't believe in Satan? Boy, does he have you fooled!

4. Fascinating. I'm a sociologist; may I study you as a phenomena?

3. Do you really believe in all that nonsense?

2. You worship the Goddess? Poor thing; you obviously haven't heard about Jesus. Here, let me tell you...

And (drum roll, please):

1. You're a witch, huh? Well, I'm initated at a higher level than you. I was initated at the age of seven by my grandmother, who was the last of the Atlantean Trad Elvish Ninja Masters. I don't suppose YOU have any lineage.

----------------------------------------------------

Pagan in Hell:

A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. St. Peter asks him, "May I help you?"

The Pagan asks, "Where am I?"

Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven."

The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven."

Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?"

"Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to Summerland."

Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for remodeling."

"What should I do now?"

Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left."

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water.

He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?"

"Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?"

Satan says, "Well, the fishing's pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There's a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill."

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, "And what was THAT ???"

Satan rolls his eyes. "Oh, just ignore them. They're Christians; they wouldn't have it any other way."

---------------------------------------

A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to Pagan parents:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing.

And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor. One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As You Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I tried to correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,

Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.


I'm sorry if I have offended any Christian with these... or any pagans, lol. They made me laugh. Sorry for these... heehee...

Now heres some other jokes....

A prayer for Women:

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ***
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a *****
I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's okay for me to cry
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't ****!

---------------------

A Very Modern Princess

A fairy tale for the assertive woman of the millenium.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shore of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle, with my Mother... Where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:


I don't ******* think so.

----------------------

The Purple Dinosaur joke

Step 1. Start with the Given...

CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR


Step 2. Change to Proper Latin (Change "U"'s to "V"'s)...

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR


Step 3. Extract the Roman Numerals...

CV VL DIV


Step 4. Convert to Arabic Values....

100 5 5 50 500 1 5


Step 5. Add the Numbers....

666


Therefore, Barney is Satan.

[Swordsaint]

Okay, here goes:

Bill gates died, and went to heaven. When he got to the gate St. Peter greeted him and said "since you have led a full and fruitfull life helping people, you get to choose where you go, Heaven or hell, you get to take a look at each. So Bill looked into heaven and he saw people praying and such, then he looked into hell, people were partying, drinking and goin at it like rabbits.
Bill looked back at St. Peter and says "I'm goin to Hell!" So Bill gets sent to hell, people are screaming in pain and being tortured. A demon cracked a whip on bills back, who yells "whats going on! what happened to the party. Satan appeares before him and says "Sorry, that was the demo."