Writing A wiccan story

[Guest Skyechild91]

As I looked out over the snow-covered plains, I thought, Why? I still can?t believe that they sent me, a teenager, to go to Sandfire. I shuddered at the cold of the winter day seeped through my cloak. It was only a few days to Winter Solstice. I rode with my best friend and fellow fledgling, Celeste Marya StormCloud. I thought again to myself, Alethea Melora Sunfeather, will you quit? Its not like this hasn?t happened before. I pulled my sandy colored ground length cloak about me, futilely trying to keep away the cold. I urged my bay horse, Dessert, to a quiet trot. Celeste paced her ebony colored horse, Raven, with mine. We were both barley thirteen years old, and already knew a lot about the Craft. These days, many people knew about it, but almost none know as much as Celeste and I. It was still despised, but it wasn?t forbidden, and many Wiccans practiced and had rituals in their homes, without having to worry about being caught and hung. I looked to the clear blue sky, and saw Sister Hawk. I smiled, then said to Celeste,? It seems that Sister has decided to escort us.? Celeste looked up, sandy hair falling over her shoulders, and said,? Your right.? She looked at me and smiled encouragingly at me. Her clear blue eyes shone with excitement. The wind whipped up and blew my auburnand sunbleached yellow hair around my face. I brushed it back behind my ears, and closed my green eyes against the glare of the sun off the snow.
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Ill do more later, after I see what effect this has.

[Haze]

wow. post more. . . alot more. i really really like how that has started! dont leave me hangin!!

[Guest Skyechild91]

Wow. I never thought someone would actually be interested. I thought it would have peple mad at me for bringing up teh Craft/Witchcraft/magic. PM me, Haze!
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I heeled Dessert, who started to a trot. Raven followed. We had been riding since sun up, and were nearing the city. I fiddled with my moon pendant. Celeste had one also, but hers was gold, not silver. Under it hung my pentacle. I saw the top of the nearest cottage, and speeded Dessert until he was in a full gallop. Celeste brought Raven up, and the two horses started a full out run. We reached the city five minutes later. Raven and Dessert slowed down, and I stopped Dessert completely. I slid off, and Celeste did likewise. We walked to the center of the small town, and then stopped at a small cottage in the center. Celeste took Dessert?s rains from me, and I knocked on the door. It swung open, and we heard,? Come in. You must be my apprentices.? When Celeste and I looked to our horses, we heard again,? Tether them by the door.? We did so, went in the house. At the hearth, we saw an old woman. She had frizzled silver hair that lay in a thick braid down her back. Her dark eye shone in a friendly way, and I relaxed. The woman got up, porvong to be taller than expected, thugh still a few inches shorter than Celeste, who was 5?8?, and the same height as me, 5?4?. She beckoned to us, and asked us to sit. She poured us tea, and we chatted about what we knew about WitchCraft(or as we witches/wiccans refer to it, The Craft).

[Drix D'Zanth]

I don't see why anyone would be mad at you. It's not like you tweak them intentionally. Freedom of religion here, as much as I or whoever posts here may not like it.

Wan't my personal opinion on witchcraft? I feel bad that you practice it. I don't hate you, nor am I angry at you. Being a Christian, Wicca is sin and the study of it. I will pray on behalf of you...

As for your stories.. the titles are almost SCREAMING for a discussion on wicca or something of that nature. I couldn't really resist. I think your stories could be arranged better. Make a bit more use of paragraphs to split up moments of time or speech. There are a few spelling and grammar errors. Your tenses change several time in the story on several occasions. You have a good writing style for a beginner, always room for improvement. I would ask you make use of similies and metaphors a bit more. Also, try to use some creative adjectives to bring a bit more of your writing to life!

Please, keep up the writing, like any skill; better with practice

[Guest Skyechild91]

Thanks, Drix. The Craft is a little frightening at times,but it isnt any different than miracles, only things happen more often, and are more likley to happen. I told Chichiri's Girl, and she said she considered converting. Oh, I believe in Jesus, adn God, but I think there is more to the universe than just Him. Okay, Im gonna go start a thread on this...

[Haze]

Quote from Drix: "I feel bad that you practice it. I don't hate you, nor am I angry at you. Being a Christian, Wicca is sin and the study of it. I will pray on behalf of you..."

how can you say that??? to me that "i will pray for you" bs is so insulting it as if you slapped my face through the computer. you have no right to speak about her choices in that way. they are HERS not yours.
but anywayz. . .i like her story. true, the arrangement is off a bit. metaphors would help. also you could use a bit more figurative language. dont just stick with "the house was big" type stuff.
keep it up!
~haze
ps. why do i have to pm you?? i will pm you in like a couple days. . . my firewall wont let me pm or start threads now. *hangs head* so sad.

[Drix D'Zanth]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Haze_Gundam006 [/i]
[B]
how can you say that??? to me that "i will pray for you" bs is so insulting it as if you slapped my face through the computer. you have no right to speak about her choices in that way. they are HERS not yours.
.[/B][/QUOTE]

I'm not telling her how to make her choices. I'm just reacting to the inevitable consequences of that choice. This is in the OB Lounge, If you want to argue this, argue it there. Let's not carry this over 2 forums..