Isus Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 I have a poem and need suggestions will ne one help? time goes by and never ends just as the heart never seems to mend broken spirits and fairy tales eventually seem to _______ all alone a mocking bird chirps the moments of time calling for a friend to come in needed days of rhyme looking out the windowsil days slowly turn to years and time goes by always __________________ thanx to ne one who can/will help, and if you cant thanx neways for trying....... for last line how would this sound as the heart slowly begins to heal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentle Posted October 8, 2003 Share Posted October 8, 2003 Your rhyming patterns are a bit off, but other than that it's a really good poem. Do you need help where there's a space at? Or do you need help trying to get it more focused in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DevilishAngel Posted October 8, 2003 Share Posted October 8, 2003 wow...that's really beautiful.(if i do say so myself) do you need help filling in the words? if so....i'll get back to you.:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isus Posted October 8, 2003 Author Share Posted October 8, 2003 thanx gentle and devlishangel, yes i do need help with both....im kinda a novice writter.......so i doubt i couldnt do better, but tooo much has had me busy, so for now its the best i could do....(didnt make a bit of sense but thats okay...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentle Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 Ok then that's no problem. What is the rhyming pattern of the poem supposed to be? What's it supposed to be about generally? And how long have you been writing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isus Posted October 9, 2003 Author Share Posted October 9, 2003 two lines rhyme, then another two lines rhyme etc... or something like that........ a whole month!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentle Posted October 9, 2003 Share Posted October 9, 2003 It's a good thing I'm not new to teaching. Here, I'll redo it a bit for you then you add in what's missing. Maybe it'll be better than before. Try this. I'm sorry but one line must be taken out. If it's AABBCC pattern then it needs to have an even number of lines. Time goes by and never ends just as the heart never seems to bend Broken spirits and fairy tales Eventually form their nightingales All alone a mocking bird ____________________ Calling for a friend to come In needed days unknown _______ Days slowly turn to years As the conquer _______________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carr Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 [size=1] I like it. I really hits home. I like your end like a lot and I think dissapear fits real well with the theme. No offence Gentile, but I wouldn't worry [b] too [/b] much about the rhyming and the rhythm seems fine to me, Isus. You just need to read it out loud under your breath. That's how I write too. That is just my oppinion, though. I is [b] your [/b] poem. [color=green] time goes by and never ends just as the heart never seems to mend broken spirits and fairy tales eventually seem to disappear all alone a mocking bird chirps the moments of time calling for a friend to come in needed days of rhyme looking out the windowsil days slowly turn to years and time goes by on and on as the heart begins to heal [/color] [/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentle Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 None taken. I'm just trying to give a little help where it's wanted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isus Posted October 10, 2003 Author Share Posted October 10, 2003 thanx all..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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