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9 most irritations in life/ 20 most stupidest inventions

Will2x

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Will2x Otaku

Will2x

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1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." ****ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the ****ing floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short." What the ****?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever ****ing does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?"
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


20. Non stick Cellotape
19. Solar Powered Flash Light (torch)
18. A black highlighter pen
17. Glow in the dark sunglasses
16. Inflatable Anchor
15. Smooth Sandpaper
14. Waterproof sponge
13. Waterproof Teabags
12. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
11. Fireproof Matches
10. Fireproof Cigarettes
9. Battery powered Battery Charger
8. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
7. Hand powered Chainsaw
6. Inflatable Dartboard
5. Silent Alarm Clock
4. A Pedal powered wheelchair
3. Braille Drivers Manual
2. Double sided playing cards
1. Ejector seats for Helicopters

thank you, thank you, thats it for tonite yall!
[EnD]
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Will2x Otaku

Will2x

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top 40 things to do in an elevator

40. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
39. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
38. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
37. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
36. Bring a chair along.
35. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
34. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
33. Do Tai Chi exercises.
32. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
31. Meow occasionally.
30. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
29. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
28. Play the harmonica.
27. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
26. Lean against the button panel.
25. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
24. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
23. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other people "through" it.
22. Start a sing-along.
21. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

let see...what else?

20. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
19. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
18. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
17. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
16. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
15. One word: Flatulence!
14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"
13. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
12. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
9. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""
8. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
7. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
6. Wear "x-ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
5. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
4. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
3. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
2. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
1. Draw a little square on the floor and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
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Will2x Otaku

Will2x

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now i got this from a site, (prays no ones been there)





3rd Grade Quiz

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Johnny.
''I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!''

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

'' What is 3x3? ''
''9.''

''What is 6 x 6 ?''
''36.''

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her he thought Johnny belonged in third grade.

''Let me ask him some questions. What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?''

''Legs.''

''What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?''

''Pockets.''

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ''Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions.''

Anything But Cheerios

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say '***'.''

The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''

''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your AS S it's not gonna be Cheerios!''
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Will2x Otaku

Will2x

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Birdy

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"
She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her. She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."

Cartwheeling for Cash

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
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heres some how to drive like a moron the general driving rules

When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.
When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.
When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.
If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.
Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.
When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.
Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.
Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.
You always have the right of way.
Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.
Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.
Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them.
If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.
Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
When waiting in line at a drive-through bank, wait until you are at the window before filling out the forms.
Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
"Don't like my driving? Dial (800) EAT ****"
"I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"
"If you can read this, you're too close"
"Watch my ***, not hers"
"I'd rather be skiing"
"I brake for no apparent reason"
"I drive this way just to piss you off"



-the rest is in the next post
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- heres the rest

Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times.
Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you are done with them.
Throw soda cans and food wrappers out the window when driving on highways.
Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.
If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light.
If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
Save time, read your newspaper and have breakfast while driving to work.
When at a gas station, don't pull up to the first available pump. This way people will have to wait until you are done before they get serviced. You should also pay with a credit card.
If you approach a bicyclist on the same side of the road, pass him by leaving only a half inch between him and your side-view mirror.
Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.
Adjust your car seat so that the drivers behind you only see the top of your head and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel.
If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly.
If you own a yellow construction vehicle, drive it on major roads during rush hour traffic.
Make sure that you drive all types of slow or wide vehicles during peak traffic hours.
When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.
If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.
On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible.
When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.
Steer you car toward any small animals or rodents running through the street. Then, yell to everyone else in the car "Hey, did you feel that little bump? I just ran over a bunny rabbit!"
If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look.
If you get lost in a residential neighborhood and need to turn around, find a newly paved or sealed driveway to do so.
When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.
When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
The more expensive of a car you drive, the more you have the right of way.
If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.
When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate.
When pulling into a gas station, drive back and forth over the black cable to repeatedly make the "ding" sounds.
Keep your ski racks on all year round so that you look like a police car in other car's rear-view mirrors.
If you are a part-time volunteer at a local fire department and have one of those blue "ooh-look-at-me-I'm-important" flashing lights on your car, use it whenever you go shopping or to a restaurant.
Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other.
When parking in a residential neighborhood, always park in the street blocking someone else's driveway.
When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make sure that you park partially on someone's lawn.
Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you are in the middle of changing lanes.
If you are a driving school instructor, make as many appointments as possible during peak traffic times. Then inform your students to drive real slow and not to worry about the "crazy morons" on the road.
After filling your tank and paying at a busy gas station, leave your car in front of the pumps while you use the restroom and shop for a snack.
Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.
While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place.
If another driver does something stupid to tick you off, get out of your car at the next red light and scream at him through his window to get out and have his *** kicked.
Drive until you are 130 years old, with no eye sight, hearing, reflexes, wit, or pulse.
Drive with a pen and ATM envelope in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does.
When running into a local 24 hour convenience store, leave your 1 year old infant in the car alone with the ignition running.
When passing a bicyclist, do not under any circumstance cross the center line, even if you are driving down a straight road with no oncoming vehicles in sight.
Keep the driver seat as far back as possible so that you can barely reach the pedals.
When approaching a bicyclist or parked car in your lane, swerve carelessly into oncoming traffic to go around it.
Save money. Don't bother with insurance.
If you legally posses a gun and your state permits unconcealed carrying, drive with it on your dashboard so that anyone you cut off will have second thoughts about "flipping you the bird."
If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.
After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.
When driving home with a pizza, drive with it on your lap.
If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.
If you are over 6'6" tall, weigh more than 250 pounds, and have no problems kicking anyone's butt, adjust your seat height and back so that only your head shows over the steering wheel and drive like a Moron. Then when other drivers challenge you to a fight because they think that you're a shrimp, get out and beat them to a pulp.
Never adjust your mirrors so that you can see anything. Or adjust them so that you can see your hair.
When leaving a fast food drive-thru restaurant, drive into traffic by steering with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it.
If you get pulled over by a law enforcement officer, try to talk your way out of the ticket. Even if you drive a "souped-up" red sports car with no muffler or seat belts, illegally tinted windows, bumper stickers that say "Legalize Marijuana" and a vanity license plate that says "F E L O N".
If you are bored and looking for something interesting to do on a summer night, try CAR BOWLING. To do this, you drive through a residential neighborhood on garbage night. Hold a bowling ball out the car window and drive as fast as you can. Then slam on the brakes and let the ball go.
If you are driving a loaded dump truck, never cover the top. Then drive as fast as possible to cause a storm of debris to fly toward traffic behind you.
There are NO motor vehicle laws that are applicable to cops. If you are an officer of the law, feel free to speed and make illegal U-turns. If traffic is exceptionally heavy and you want to make an an illegal turn, flash your red lights and go for it.
When traveling with a pet in the back seat, turn around every 2 minutes and make sure little "Pookey" is okay. "How are you doing, Pookey? You like the car, Pookey? Who's my little Pookey? Good Pookey!!" Meanwhile, drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other reaching behind the seat petting "Pookey's" little ears.
When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING.
When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.
If you have an automobile newspaper route, don't pull over as you slow down to throw the papers out the window.
Always drive with your right arm behind the passenger seat. Drive with your seat far back enough, that a dentist can fill cavities while you travel.
If you are supposed to wear glasses or contacts while driving, don't.
- the end will be in the next post
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Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
If someone leans on their horn to get your attention so they can curse at you for a moronic thing you just did, ignore them and don't make eye contact.
Drive with enough boxes and packages in your car so that they completely block the side and back windows.
If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass.
When coming home from work the evening before a holiday, always drive like a maniac to increase your chances of getting into an accident. If you do get into an accident, try to take as many other vehicles with you as possible to jam up traffic with people who want to get home early.
When driving around curves, always drive over the line and into the oncoming traffic lane
-thats all for this lesson now for lesson 2 in the next post if you want more
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~Mystical Pan~ Otaku

~Mystical Pan~

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[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Trotenks [/i]
[B]heres some how to drive like a moron the general driving rules

When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.
When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.
When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.
If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.
Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.
When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.
Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.
Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.
You always have the right of way.
Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.
Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.
Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them.
If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.
Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
When waiting in line at a drive-through bank, wait until you are at the window before filling out the forms.
Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
"Don't like my driving? Dial (800) EAT ****"
"I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"
"If you can read this, you're too close"
"Watch my ***, not hers"
"I'd rather be skiing"
"I brake for no apparent reason"
"I drive this way just to piss you off"



-the rest is in the next post [/B][/QUOTE]

ok that was good also..I'm going to buy ALL those bumper stickers! :D
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Will2x Otaku

Will2x

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Children's Books That Didn't Make It


1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose

Chores on the Farm

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"

"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"

"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

Damned if I know

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

i hope this isnt too inapropiate
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heres the next lesson on how to drive like a moron lesson on passing

When looking in the rear-view mirror and observing the car behind you changing lanes, quickly jump into the same lane, staying in front of him.
If the vehicle in front of you signals to change lanes, quickly jump into the lane he wants to be in and punch the accelerator. The object of this is to screw the other driver from being able to change lanes.
When your traffic lane has a dashed line (permission to pass), drive as fast as possible and just a little over the line. This will prevent anybody from passing you. Then when the line becomes solid, slow down to a speed significantly less then the posted limit.
If another driver succeeds in passing you, tailgate and flash your high beams the entire time you are behind him/her.
When changing lanes, always change from an empty fast moving lane to a slow moving one with heavy congestion.
If you can't find an opportunity to switch lanes, stop in your lane and wait for one.
On one lane roads, pass other vehicles using the shoulder.
If you catch another driver in the middle of attempting to pass you, accelerate so that you keep him/her in the oncoming traffic lane as long as possible. When he gives up and gets back behind you, slow down.
When changing lanes, take approximately 2 miles to completely move your car from one lane to the next.
If an oncoming vehicle drives briefly in your lane to pass a bicyclist, speed up and drive in the center of the road to scare the heck out of both of them.
When changing lanes, make sure that you only leave 1-2 inches between you and the car behind you.
When changing lanes in traffic, drive into the car next to you.
If there is a slow moving car 2 vehicles ahead of you, make every effort to pass and cut off the vehicle directly in front of you.
When driving a large vehicle or truck and switching lanes, don't bother to look before you do it. If anyone is in the way, they'll move.
When passing a bicyclist, make sure that you get all the way to the left side of the road directly into oncoming traffic.
After slowing down to half the speed limit waiting to change lanes and pissing off the driver behind you, drive about 1/4 mile and switch back to your original lane, cutting him off.
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lesson 3 highways

When entering a highway with an acceleration lane, do one of the following:
Drive slowly to the end of the acceleration lane, come to a complete stop, and wait.
Don't use the acceleration lane. As soon as the entrance ramp meets the highway, drive 15 MPH and turn directly into fast moving traffic.

If you are approaching your highway exit and there is a car in front of you, get into the adjacent left lane, accelerate to pass him, then quickly make a sharp right turn in front of the other car, and directly into the exit.
When driving in the left lane and approaching a merging vehicle entering from an acceleration lane, switch to the right-most lane, squeezing him onto the shoulder.
When exiting a highway with a deceleration lane, don't use it. Stay in the right-most lane of the highway (parallel to the deceleration lane) and slow down. Then just as the exit lane splits away from the highway, cut across the painted lines.
If you pass your exit on the highway, stop and backup.
When approaching a toll plaza, cut off as many drivers as possible to get into the shortest line. Then wait until it's your turn to pay before you start to look for your change and toll ticket.
Never go fast enough to pass a police car; no matter how slow it is going.
If you notice a car in the next lane, signaling to switch into your lane, ahead of you, speed up so that the two of you are driving parallel. The other driver will then wave his arms and start yelling. When he finally decides to slow down and switch lanes behind you, turn into the lane where the other driver started.
Always use large bills at toll booths.
When at a toll booth, always ask for directions, even if you know where you are going.
When approaching a toll plaza, cut across as many lanes as possible to be in an exact change lane. Then check to see if you even have exact change. If not, backup.
If switching lanes at a toll plaza can bring you 1 car closer, quickly and abruptly yank the wheel and punch the accelerator to change lanes. Do not look before doing this.
When approaching a toll plaza from the left lane, cut across all lanes of traffic to pay at the right-most toll lane. After paying, cut across all lanes of traffic to get back into the left lane.
Stay in the left lane with your cruise control set at 50 mph. Avoid touching the accelerator pedal to force faster moving traffic to have no choice but to pass on the right.
If you drive a motorcycle, the lines on the road are meant to be driven on. Feel free to whip between lanes of traffic very very fast.
When driving a motorcycle on the highway, tuck your head down below your shoulders so that you can't see and propel yourself at 600 mph.
If you are driving a truck on the highway and you stop at a rest area, park horizontally across 5 spots that are labeled "CARS ONLY".
After paying a highway toll, leave the toll booth very very slowly.
On a 4-lane highway, always select the lane directly adjacent to a tractor trailer. Then drive right beneath the trucks door so that the truck driver can not see you.
When a tractor trailer ahead of you in the adjacent lane signals to get into your lane, accelerate so that you are directly next to the truck's payload. Then drive at the same speed so that the truck can not change lanes. Do this even if the truck was going faster than you.
When switching lanes in front of a tractor trailer, always drive close enough to the front of the truck that the driver can not see you over the trucks hood.
If you are driving an 18-wheeler or a bus and you pass a car where the female passenger is breast feeding her baby, stare intensely at her and lick your lips.
When approaching an exit or entrance, always get into the right lane, even if you are not getting off.
When driving by yourself or with one other person, get into the 3-person HOV (carpool) lane and drive 50 mph.
Make sure you hold traffic up at the toll booth by not having any money to pay. If this causes you to have to fill out forms, fill them out slowly.
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