9 most irritations in life/ 20 most stupidest inventions

[Will2x]

Feet First

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first. Susie said your hear, 'cause you need it to love. Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think. Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet." Confused, the pastor asked why. Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, ?Oh God, I'm coming!?."

Having to Take a Whisper

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''

The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

Hide the Duke

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a eally loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"

[Guest Trotenks]

ok heres lesson 4 shoping center parking lots

Even though you purchased one of those 4-wheel drive sport/utility vehicles because you might one day "drive" up a mountain, slow down drastically as you approach speed bumps.
When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.
If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy", and park somewhere else.
If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too.
If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
If you have handicap plates, always take a handicap parking spot. EVEN if the handicap person in your family is not with you.
When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
When pulling out of a shopping center, always have the front of your car sticking out in the middle of traffic.
If you are pulling out of a parking lot and you want to drive into another shopping center which is only about 100 feet to the left, quickly make the left turn, dart head-on into the opposite lane of traffic and turn into the next parking lot.
When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.
If you don't have handicap plates, PARK in a handicap spot. You should also joke with your passengers that if anyone says anything, you'll just walk with a limp.
When there are many open parking spots close to the store, choose the one right next to the guy who parked his brand new car all the way in the back.
When exiting a parking lot and making a left turn across a multi-laned main street, pull out into the first lane of oncoming traffic and stop. Wait until the next lane is clear, pull up and stop again. Do this until you have driven across far enough to make the left turn.
Park your large 8-cylinder "gas guzzler" vehicle in one and a half spots that are labeled "Subcompact Cars Only'.
When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
If you don't see a speed limit sign in the shopping center parking lot, there isn't any!
When making a left turn from a parking lot onto a main road, and the exit has only one lane for each direction, and there is a car ahead of you waiting for traffic to clear to make the same left turn, do the following. Pull along side of the other driver, in the oncoming traffic lane. Then when the coast is clear, hit the accelerator pedal hard and quickly make the turn, cutting off the driver who was ahead of you.
When driving through the shopping center at night, DON'T use your headlights. The overhead lights in the parking lot is enough.
Never slow down for speed bumps.
When stopped in a lane, blocking traffic, to let a passenger out, make sure that you continue to block traffic as the passenger then opens the rear door and leans back in to collect all his belongings.
If you are at an intersection adjacent to a shopping center parking lot, and a car is waiting at the parking lot exit to make a left turn, wait until your light turns green. Then gesture for him to proceed so that he pulls out and blocks your lane while waiting for oncoming traffic to clear to complete the left turn.
When loading your car in a parking lot, leave all the doors wide open and take your time when you see a car in the adjacent spot waiting to pull out and leave.
If you see a driver backing out of a parking spot, slowly creep up close to him so that the other driver no longer has enough room to back all the way out and has to pull back in to let you pass.
If all the spaces are full, park on the yellow diagonal lines at the end of the aisle so that no one can see around the corner when driving through.
When approaching speed bumps, either come to a complete stop first or drive over them at 90 mph.

[lil_hell4t]

hot d@mn thats alot of writing..hmm ill attempt to read it all..~*sigh*~

[Guest Trotenks]

its all funny and theres a hell of alot more to come

[Guest Trotenks]

lesson 5 driving in iclement weather


If the ground is slightly damp from a little rain, and traffic is generally moving at 65 MPH, drive at 15 MPH.
When a major road is covered with a dangerous amount of snow, and traffic is generally moving at 15 MPH, drive at 65 MPH.
The more slippery the road surface is, the more you should change lanes.
Only use parking lights when driving in rain, sleet, snow, or fog.
If all snow has been plowed, and plenty of salt and sand has been spread on the road, drive at 10 MPH. Even if traffic is generally moving at 55 MPH.
If the road is slippery due to ice, rain, or snow, intentionally cause your vehicle to swerve and make "S" type maneuvers.
When stopped at a red signal in the rain or snow, always spin your tires to make as much of a distraction as possible.
When approaching a large water puddle in the road, drive through it to cause a tidal wave to hit other cars and pedestrians.
When driving in any type of nasty weather, disregard all traffic lines painted on the road.
If the road conditions are anything but dry, always tailgate.
When driving during a winter snow, don't clean the ice off the top of your car. Then, drive as fast as possible so that everything flies off your roof and hits other cars.
When your car is covered with snow or ice, only clean off a little tiny section in front of the driver's seat so that you won't have any idea of what's going on around you.
If your windshield becomes fogged while driving, DO NOT wipe it off. Just turn on the defroster and lean your body between the driver's and passenger seat and duck your head to the dashboard. Then continue driving by peaking out the windshield where the defroster has just started to clear.
Slam on your brakes to see how slippery the snow, rain, or ice is.
Do not use your windshield wipers in the pouring rain, if you don't like the squeaking noise they make.
Keep your windshield wipers going long after the rain has stopped.
When brushing the snow off your car, brush it onto the bumper so that it blocks your headlights, turn lights, and brake lights.
When driving on a sheet of ice, go as fast as possible because you have a 4x4 vehicle and it is equipped with anti-lock brakes.
If the heat in your car is broken, wear a winter coat that is too large for you and zip it all the way up so that the only part of your head that is uncovered is your eye brows and forehead.

[Lady Saiya-jin]

ROTFL........Thank you Will ya made my day baby........LOL!!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Guest Trotenks]

is ne one reading my stuff cause if ur not i'll stop posting it

[Will2x]

It's What's for Dinner

A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat for dinner. The butcher tells her that he is out of everything except ?dam ham.? The woman buys the ham and goes home to cook it for her family. Her husband comes home from work and asks what she's cooking. ?It's dam ham,? she tells him. The woman, her husband and their son are at the table eating later that evening when the husband says, ?Pass me the dam ham.? The child then says, ?While you're at it, pass me the ****in' potatoes.?

Jokes On You, Teacher

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"


Little Big Fart

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then nothing will.''

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''

The messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!"

[Will2x]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lady Saiya-jin [/i]
[B]ROTFL........Thank you Will ya made my day baby........LOL!!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: [/B][/QUOTE]

hehehe, and ill be going on all night to come. more laughs!

[Will2x]

Little Johnny Answers the Question

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."


Little Johnny's Big Answer

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

Mom's Sponge

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"
A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"

Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"

"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"

[Lady Saiya-jin]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Will2x [/i]
[B]

hehehe, and ill be going on all night to come. more laughs! [/B][/QUOTE]


Do your thing baby....LOL!!!:laugh:

[Will2x]

We love Little Johnny dont we? 3 jokes per page :)

Mommy Almost Died

One day this little girl's dad came home and she runs up to him.
"Daddy, the cat died today!"

"Well, darling," said the dad. "That's just something that happens."

"But why are his arms and legs up in the air?"

"Well, darling, that's just something they do." She takes the death fairly well and doesn't mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.

"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I came downstairs and I heard her screaming 'Oh Jesus, take me, take me!' And she had her ams and legs up in the air and if it hadn't been for the mailman tring to revive her she would have died."

Mounted Cop

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

New Lifesavers' Flavor

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association.

''I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,'' she tells the children.

So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, ''What flavor is that?''

The whole class answers, ''Mmmm, that's cherry.''

''Very good,'' the teacher replies.

So she gives them all a grape and they reply, ''Mmm, that's grape.''

''Very good,'' she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says, ''OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.''

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, ''Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!''


that last one was funny as hell!

[ZF SSA Goten]

[QUOTE]4. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." [/QUOTE] [B]LOL[/B] i'm gonna do that one.

[Guest Trotenks]

heres a good one

a guy walks into a bar and hasn't had a drink yet. He site down and starts talking on his hand like a cell phone. The bar tender said you better stop talking on ur cell hand or the big guys will come and beat you up. About an hour later he jumped up and said i gtg. So the bartender showed him to the bathroom. Its been an hour. He thought the big guys might have beat him up. He walked into the bathroom and saw toilet paper on the floor and the guy with his hand up his butt. The bartender asked what was he doing. The guy said i'm reciving a fax.

Heres one you prolly all herd but i'll tell it any way(pg-13 joke)
what do you call a lesi dino?
lick alota puss

[Guest Trotenks]

ooohhh i got another one


what do you call a jamacan proctologist(butt docter)?
Pokemon

[Guest Trotenks]

You Know You're Ghetto When.....(Reasons1-150)

>

NOTE: This is for entertainment purposes only. If you feel as though you may be offended, please exit now. I did not put this list together by my self. This is the reason why a lot of items or listed mose than once, or don't make any sense. So, read all 500+ lines,(lol) then check out the rest of my site. ~one~
P>
1. THERE'S REUSABLE BACON GREASE IN A MAXWELL HOUSE CAN IN THE CENTER OF THE BURNERS ON YOUR STOVE.
2. TURNING UP THE HEAT MEANS TURNING ON ANOTHER BURNER ON THE STOVE.
3. THE BATTERIES IN YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ARE HELD IN PLACE WITH A PIECE OF TAPE.
4. YOU HAVE PROJECT HEAT. (NOTE: THIS MEANS THAT YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR WINDOW IN THE WINTER.)
5. SOMETHING SMELLS SPOILED IN THE REFRIGERATOR, AND ALL YOU DO IS CHANGE THE BOX OF ARM & HAMMER BAKING SODA.
6. YOUR DRINKING GLASSES USED TO BE JELLY JARS.
7. YOUR FURNITURE IS COVERED IN PLASTIC.
8. YOU RUN TO GET POTS AS SOON AS IT RAINS.
9. THE ROACHES IN YOUR HOUSE ONLY COME OUT WHEN COMPANY COMES.
10. YOU STILL REFER TO YOUR STEREO AS THE HI-FI.
11. YOU REFER TO YOUR DRESSER AS "THE BUREAU."
12. YOU REFER TO THE REFRIGERATOR AS AN ICEBOX.
13. THE BACK OF YOUR TOILET SEAT IS ALWAYS OFF, AND YOU KNOW HOW TO MANUALLY FLUSH IT.
14. YOU HAVE MORE THAN TEN USES FOR VASELINE, AND ONE OF THEM IS SHOE POLISH.
15. YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE CLEAN UNLESS THERE IS VISIBLE BABY POWDER ON YOUR NECK AND CHEST, AND YOU AIN'T EVEN NO BABY.
16. THE HEELS OF YOUR FEET LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN KICKING FLOUR.
17. YOUR COLLAR IS STILL UP.
18. YOU WEAR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: BRUTE, HAI KARATE, JEAN NATE, OLD SPICE, CHLOE, ENGLISH LEATHER, CHARLIE, FABERGE'
19. YOU USE TUSSY.
20. YOU USE BLACK EYE LINER TO LINE YOUR LIPS.
21. YOUR LIPSTICK MATCHES YOUR CLOTHES.
22. YOU HAVE ROLLS IN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK.
23. YOU WEAR YOUR SHOWER CAP EVERYWHERE BUT IN THE SHOWER.
24. YOU DRY-CLEAN YOUR WASHABLE CLOTHING (E.G., JEANS, T-SHIRTS, BASEBALL JERSEY, ETC.).
25. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE DENTIST.
26. YOU CLEAN YOUR TEETH WITH A MATCHBOOK OR BUSINESS CARD.
27. YOU CLEAN YOUR EARS WITH A BOBBY PIN, KEY, OR INK PEN CAP.
28. YOU WEAR YOUR CLOTHES WITH A TAG ON THEM.
29. THE ONLY ART YOU OWN IS ON YOUR FINGERNAILS.
30. YOU GO TO THE BEAUTY SHOP FOR A PRESS AND CURL.
31. YOU'VE EVER WAITED SEVERAL HOURS IN A SALON TO GET YOUR HAIR DONE AND YOU HAD AN APPOINTMENT.
32. YOUR DAUGHTER IS UNDER SIXTEEN AND HAS EXTENSIONS.
33. YOU PERM YOUR THREE-YEAR-OLD'S HAIR.
34. YOU HAVE TO PUT A TOWEL ON YOUR FURNITURE SO THAT YOUR CURL ACTIVATOR WON'T STAIN IT.
35. YOU REFER TO THE HAIR AT THE NAPE OF YOUR NECK AS YOUR "KITCHEN."
36. YOU STILL THINK THERE'S SUCH A THING AS "GOOD" OR "BAD" HAIR. (NOTE: IT'S NOT THE HAIR, IT'S THE BRAIN UNDER IT)
37. YOUR BABY HAS A BOW OR BARRETTE ON HER ONE STRAND OF HAIR.
38. YOU NEVER LEARNED TO SWIM BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR HAIR WET.
39. YOUR CHILD THINKS HIS REAL NAME IS LITTLE MAN.
40. YOU CHANGED YOUR FIRST NAME 'CAUSE YOU SAID IT WAS THE WHITE MAN'S, BUT KEPT YOUR LAST NAME YOUR REAL SLAVE NAME.
41. YOU HAVE TROUBLE SPELLING YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES, AND YOU NAMED THEM.
42. YOU WEIGH MORE THAN THREE HUNDRED POUNDS, BUT YOU CLAIM THAT YOU CAN'T EAT EVERYBODY ELSE'S FOOD.
43. YOU'VE EVER DROPPED ANYTHING AND KISSED IT UP TO GOD BEFORE YOU ATE IT.
44. YOU PAGE YOURSELF.
45. YOU'RE LATE FOR EVERYTHING, AND YOU TRY TO ACT LIKE IT'S A CULTURAL EXPRESSION.
46. YOUR MOTHER CLEANED FLOORS TO EDUCATE YOU, AND NOW YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE BETTER THAN HER.
47. YOU WEAR FLIP-FLOPS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.
48. YOU'RE KNOWN FOR ROLLING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: YOUR NECK, YOUR EYES, YOUR R'S, OR YOUR WRIST.
49. YOU'VE EVER REFERRED TO THE WIND AS THE HAWK.
50. YOU ADD "ED" OR "T" TO THE END OF A WORD THAT'S ALREADY IN THE PAST TENSE (E.G., TOOKED, LIGHT-SKINNEDED, KILT, RUINT).
51. THE PERSON YOU'RE SPEAKING TO DOESN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH AND YOU JUST TALK LOUDER.
52. YOU TALK LOUD ON THE PHONE BECAUSE IT'S LONG DISTANCE.
53. YOU'VE EVER REFERRED TO ANYTHING AS ONE OF THE FOLLOWING: DO-HICKEY, THING-A-MA-JIG, WHOSEYWHATS, WHATCHAMACALLIT.


YOU USE BUT MISPRONOUNCE THESE WORDS:


54. AMBALAMPS-AMBULANCE
55. SKRIMPS OR STRIMPS-SHIRIMP (NOTE: THERE IS NO "S" ON THE END).
56. PACIFIC VS. SPECIFIC (NOTE: THESE ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE. IN ORDER TO DETERMINE WHICH IS APPROPRIATE, LISTEN TO CLUES SUCH AS REFERENCES TO LARGE BODIES OF WATER, AS OPPOSED TO THAT BODY OF WATER.)
57. SKREET-STREET
58. AXE-ASK
59. LOOK DEAD-LOOKED
60. MEMBER-OF OR PERTAINING TO A RECOLLECTION (E.G., YA'LL MEMBER THE TIME...?)
61. SPISKETTIS-SPAGHETTI
62. ZINC-SINK
63. ALBLUMS-WHAT WE USED BEFORE CD'S
64. SHOWLIZ-THAT SURE IS
65. WAYMENT-WAIT A MINUTE
66. NEM-CONTRACTION FOR AND THEM (E.G., I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL MARQUITA NEM GET HERE.)
67. YOU PUT FINGERNAIL POLISH ON PANTYHOSE TO KEEP A RUN FROM GETTING WORSE.
68. YOU BUY YOUR STOCKINGS AT THE SAME PLACE YOU DO YOUR GROCERY SHOPPING.
69. THE BEST PAIR OF SHOES YOU OWN ARE SNEAKERS.
70. YOU WEAR COLORED CONTACTS. PERIOD.
71. YOU WEAR A WATCH THAT YOU KNOW DOESN'T WORK.
72. YOU HAVE MORE SHOES THAN YOU HAVE BOOKS.
73. YOU THINK OF FATBACK AS A SOURCE OF NUTRITION. (NOTE: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOW-FAT FATBACK.)
74. YOU USE SALT BEFORE YOU TASTE YOUR FOOD.
75. YOU USE CATSUP ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN A HOT DOG, FRENCH FRIES, OR HAMBURGERS.
76. YOU GOT ANGRY WHEN THE GOVERNMENT STOPPED THE CHEESE PROGRAM.
77. EVERY TIME YOU HAVE MACARONI AND CHEESE, YOU FEEL A NEED TO COMMENT ON HOW NOTHING MAKES IT BETTER THAN "THE GOBMENT CHEESE."
78. YOU KNOW HOW TO MELT GOVERNMENT CHEESE.
79. YOU'RE ALWAYS EATING AT OTHER PEOPLE'S HOUSES, BUT YOU NEVER BRING ANYTHING.
80. YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT COFFEE WOULD MAKE YOU BLACK.
81. YOU PUT YOUR SALTED PEANUTS IN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR COCA-COLA.
82. YOU EAT COUGH DROPS LIKE THEY'RE CANDY.
83. YOU EAT OATMEAL BECAUSE IT STICKS TO YOUR RIBS ON A COLD DAY.
84. YOU POP OR CRACK YOUR GUM.
85. YOU'RE AT CHURCH AND PEOPLE CAN TELL WHAT YOU'LL BE HAVING FOR DINNER FROM THE SMELL OF YOUR COAT.
86. YOU EAT CHITTERLINGS, PERIOD
. 87. YOU EAT THESE GHETTO SNACKS: PORK RINDS, CHITTERLINGS, MOONPIES WITH COKE, PISTACHIOS, SUNFLOWER SEEDS, PUMPKIN SEEDS, LICORICE, SALT 'N VINEGAR CHIPS, NOW 'N LATERS, JUICE-FILLED WAX, PIXIE STIX, TWISTERS, BOM POPS, PUSH-UPS, MARY JANES, LEMON HEADS, BOSTON BAKED BEANS, MR. SOFTEE, REDHOTS, FREEZPOPS, CHICK O STIX, SNOWBALLS, JIFFY POPS, CHEEZ WHIZ, POP-TARTS, CANDY STUCK TO PAPER, BLOWPOPS, CANDY NECKLACES, JAWBREAKERS, SUGAR DADDY, SUGAR MAMA, SUGARBABIES.
88. YOU DRINK THESE GHETTO BEVERAGES: YOO-HOO, MALT LIQUOR, TAHITIAN TREAT, SUGAR WATER, FANTA ORANGE, RED KOOL- AID, RED DOG, ANYTHING RED, .99 A GALLON ANYTHING, TAB, FRESCA, WATER ICE, STRAWBERRY SODA, PINEAPPLE SODA, CREAM SODA.
89. THE REAR WINDOW OF YOUR CAR IS FILLED WITH STUFFED ANIMALS.

90. YOU HAVE A CRACK ACROSS YOUR FRONT WINDSHIELD AND YOU NEVER BOTHERTO GET IT FIXED. 91. YOUR CAR COST MORE THAN YOUR HOUSE.
92. YOU DRIVE AROUND ON THE DONUT, MONTHS AFTER THE FLAT HAPPENED.
93. ANY OF THE FOLLOWING IS YOUR FAVORITE CAR: CADDY, GREMLIN, HORNET, LINCOLN, PACER, PINTO.
94. YOU CAN LEARN THE LATEST DANCES FROM YOUR CHURCH CHOIR.
95. THE OFFERING PLATE AT YOUR CHURCH GOES AROUND FIVE TIMES.
96. THE ANNOUNCEMENTS AT YOUR CHURCH ARE LONGER THAN THE SERMON.
97. EITHER THE BRIDE OR GROOM SINGS A SOLO TO EACH OTHER, OR BOTH.
98. NOBODY IN THE WEDDING CAN REALLY FIT IN HER DRESS, INCLUDING THE BRIDE.
99. THE RECEPTION MEAL WAS COOKED BY THE BRIDE'S MOTHER.
100. THERE ARE MORE GUEST AT THE RECEPTION THAN THERE WERE AT THE WEDDING.
101. THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE IN THE WEDDING THAN THERE ARE IN THE AUDIENCE.
102. EVERYBODY'S EXES WERE INVITED, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL REMARRIED TO SOMEBODY ELSE IN THE FAMILY.
103. YOUR WEDDING DRESS IS ALSO A MATERNITY DRESS.
104. YOUR WEDDING MARCH IS ACTUALLY A MARCH.
105. YOU SING GHETTO WEDDING SONGS: "ALWAYS AND FOREVER," "I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU," "YOU AND I," "WIND BENEATH MY WINGS," "HERE AND NOW," "RIBBON IN THE SKY," "FOR ALWAYS."
106. THE DECEASED AND HIS WIDOW ARE WEARING MATCHING OUTFITS.
107. SOMEONE TRIES TO CLIMB IN THE COFFIN.
108. MORE THAN ONE PERSON THINKS THAT HE IS THE CURRENT SPOUSE OF THE DECEASED.
109. THE MAJORITY OF THE FLOWERS AT THE BURIAL SITE ARE PLASTIC, AND/OR TAKEN BACK THE FOLLOWING DAY.
110. THE SERVICE LASTS FOR HALF A DAY.
111. POLAROID SHOTS ARE BEING TAKEN OF THE DECEASED.
112. NO ONE KNEW THE DECEASED BY HIS REAL NAME. ("WHO'S RAVON WILLIAMS III, I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS BOOKIE.")
113. MOST OF THE MOURNERS COMMENT THAT THE DECEASED DIDN'T LOOK THAT GOOD WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.
114. YOU EVER SAID THAT THE DECEASED HAS "SLIPPED AWAY."
115. YOU GO OUT TO A NIGHTCLUB, BUT YOU STAY OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE CLUB.
116. YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS GET YOUR PICTURE TAKEN IN FRONT OF THE WICKER FAN CHAIR.
117. YOU EVER TOOK A BUS TO A NIGHTCLUB.
118. YOU ASK PERFECT STRANGERS TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU, THEN YOU TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS THAT THIS IS SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY DATED.
119. THE ONLY SONG OF THE NIGHT THAT YOU DANCE TO IS THE ELECTRIC SLIDE.

[Will2x]

Playing Doctor

A little boy and girl were playing doctor. The little boy boldly pulled off his shirt and pointed to his nipples.
"I've got two of these," he said. "How about you?" The little girl opened her blouse and showed him her nipples. So the boy pointed to his belly button. The little girl looked down showed him her belly button. So the little boy dropped his drawers and pointed to his penis. The little girl raised her skirt and pulled her underwear to the side, but search as she might she couldn't find that particular organ. The little boy taunted her till she ran home to her mommy. She returned 15 minutes later with a big grin on her face.

"My mommy told me that when I am 15 years old, I'll have as many of those as I want!"

Rectum

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ***!"

"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."

"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

S & M

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a Bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[Guest Trotenks]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GHETTO IF YOU HEAR OR SAY ANY OF THE FOLLOWING PHRASES:


120. WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?
121. RIGHT ABOUT NOW WE'RE GONNA TAKE A PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE.
122. RIGHT ABOUT NOW WE GONNA SLOW IT DOWN JUST A TASTE. 123. IS YOU MARRIED?
124. CAN I GET THOSE 7 DIGITS?
125. YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO "FLOAT ON."
126. YOU HAVE ALL OF KENNY G.'S CDS, BUT NONE OF GERALD ALBRIGHT'S.
127. YOU'VE BEEN TO MORE THAN ONE PLAY WITH THE WORD MAMMA IN THE TITLE.
128. YOU'VE WON A GRAMMY FOR YOUR ***** AND HO RAP RECORD, AND YOU START YOU ACCEPTANCE SPEECH WITH HE FOLLOWING PHRASE: "FIRST OF ALL,I WANT TO THANK GOD, WHO IS THE HEAD OF MY LIFE."
129. ANY OF THE FOLLOWING IS YOUR FAVORITE GROUP: CLIMAX, THE BROTHERS JOHNSON, THE SILVERS, READY FOR THE WORLD, TINA MARIE, TARVARIS, COMMODORES FIFTH DIMENSION, JACKSONS or THE MICHAEL JACKSON 5/NOT THE JACKSON 5,
130. YOUR CHILDREN'S ONLY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT IS SINGING IN THE WINDOW FAN.
131. YOUR CHILD DROPS HIS PACIFIER, AND YOU SANITIZE IT BY SUCKING ON IT.
132. YOU CHEW YOUR BABY'S FOOD AND THEN FEED IT TO THEM. (YOU AIN'T NO BIRD. STOP ACTING LIKE ONE.)
133. YOU EVER SENT YOUR CHILDREN TO PICK OUT THEIR OWN SWITCH.
134. YOU'VE EVER BEEN BEATEN WITH AN EXTENSION CORD.
135. YOUR MOTHER SOUNDED LIKE A RAP ARTIST WHEN SHE WAS BEATING YOU.
136. YOUR SON IS NOT EVEN FIVE YEARS OLD, BUT HE HAS HIS EARS PIERCED.
137. YOUR CHILDREN DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO "PUNCHINELLA" OR MISS MARY MACK," BUT THEY KNOW THE LYRICS TO ALL OF SNOOP DOGG'S RECORDS.
138. YOUR CHILDREN GO TO SCHOOL SMELLING LIKE HOT BACON GREASE.
139. YOU PAY MORE FOR YOUR CHILD'S SNEAKERS THAN YOU DO FOR THEIR CHILDCARE.
140. YOU PINCH YOU NEWBORN'S NOSE TO MAKE IT THIN.
141. EVERY CHILD IN THE FAMILY HAS A DIFFERENT LAST NAME.
(NOTE: THIS IS NOT A CRITICISM OF SINGLE MOTHERS. IT IS, HOWEVER, A CRITICISM OF THE FACT THAT SHE DOESN'T THINK HER NAME IS BETTER THAN THATOF THE FATHER WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS OWN CHILD.)
142. YOU USE ABORTION AS A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL.
143. YOU EVER PLAYED DODGE BALL.
144. YOU EVER RAN A RACE BAREFOOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AT APPROXIMATELY ELEVEN AT NIGHT.
145. YOU EVER PLAYED KICK THE CAN.
146. YOU EVER PLAYED KNUCKLES.
147. YOUR BASKETBALL HOOP HAS A RIM BUT NO NET.
148. YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE A GYMNAST BECAUSE YOU COULD DO A HIGH FLIP ON A PISSY MATTRESS THAT SOMEBODY THREW OUT.
149. YOU'VE EVER PLAYED RED-LIGHT-GREEN-LIGHT.
150. YOU'VE EVER CHEATED IN A GAME OF MOTHER MAY I.

[Will2x]

[b]second grader would laugh at[/b]

Sex Relatively Speaking

"Dad," asked son, "What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?"
Dad replied ''That's Grandpa!"


Smartass Record Shop

A lady walks into the local record store.
"Do you have Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" she asks.

"No, but I've got dangling balls and a 7-inch," says the smartass behind the counter. The lady thinks for a second.

"Is that a record?"

"I think so. I'm only 14."

Stone Surprise

One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden one of the boys took off running. The other boy took off after his friend. After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.
"Well," the boy said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."

[Guest]

LOL! I needed a good leaugh. Those irrations were the funniest.

[Guest Master O Beans]

Haha, that's pretty funny shizz! Although some of them were just a lil to long for my likings...so naturally I skipped them, I figured I have to do enough reading this weekend for class!! ARGH! speaking of that...homework time, on a saturday night...that's dedication :rolleyes:

[~Mystical Pan~]

not really..that's "I'm doing my HW cause my @ss will fail the class if I don't" it's not dedication..lol :D

[Will2x]

the long ones sometimes turn out to be the funniest........

Taste Test

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"

"I don't know," said the boy.

"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ***."

Teaching A Buncha Hooligans

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

The Career Ambitions of Babies

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

[Will2x]

The Little Fire Engine

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck.''
The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''

Uncle Tommy's Closet

A guy comes home early one day from work. And he hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed sweating bullets.
''What the hell is going on?'' he says.

''I'm having a heart attack!!''

So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he is doing this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and says, ''Dad, Uncle Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's naked'' So he slams the phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet.

The man, then says. ''What the hell are you doin? My wife is having a heart attack, and your here running around naked, scaring the kids? You shoud be ashamed of yourself!"

Urinate

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, ?Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.?
Sarah said, ?Cows have spots.

Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.?

Carla said, ?Computers are electronic.?

Bobby said, ?Urinate.?

Mrs. Flebs said, ?Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.?

Bobby said, ?Not ?urinate?, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.?
West Virginia Custody Battle

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court, but custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

thats all for today unless you can get 10 peeps to say WE WANT MORE!

[Lady Macaiodh]

LOL
will, you're priceless. do you come up w/ those lists yourself?