Writing inner workings

[lea]

[I]hot tears stream silently from sad brown eyes...
self loathing eats away at the child's lonely heart...
while drowning in the sharp stinging beating pool of sadness
the sadness clings....it fills every crevice;
you carry some wherever you go
as the child knows too well.
sleep is a temparary escape away from pain
the brown eyes close, all is gone[/I]

[AzureWolf]

Bringing back old threads!!! Actually, I was just browsing through all the no reply threads...

I don't see the point of making the kid's eyes brown. It doesn't seem to serve a purpose, and therefore is a wasteful description (for a poem). "Sharp" and "stinging" are a little redundant, and I think "relentless" might work better altogether.

The ending is weak, and breaks the "flow" of the poem. Actually, "sleep is a temparary escape away from pain" is more off-beat than anything else. I couldn't fully grasp the last two lines.

Besides that, it's a nice, depressing poem. I hate depressing poems... I hate depressing music too... I hate depressing.

[lea]

*shrugs*
i wrote what i was feeling at the time...
and emotions are never perfect

[eldai]

i understand your pome, maybe you could of use more advance words to express and brown eyes are not worthless it gives a visual of a child and not all pomes need a flow read some of the famous work of other people their pomes are great and they dont have a flow. the whole point of a pome is to express the feeling and point of views of the writer and the world around the writer. the greeks worte pomes about their wourld and how they felt about it, even shakespare and gorger something.

[Tasrai]

[COLOR=teal][SIZE=1][FONT=arial]That's true eldai, but I think I agree with Azure Wolf on this one. The idea is good and I do like the way you described everything. Also you thought up a very good title, and titles are important, it sums up what the whole poem is about right there, and I think you couldn't have chosen anything better. But I tend to like poems with a flow or some kind of rhyming cadence of a sort. Maybe if it rhymed better and flowed I would like it better....

Just some things to consider when writing in the future...[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[lea]

[COLOR=blue][I]
hot tears stream silently from sad brown eyes...
self loathing eats away at the child's lonely heart...
while drowning in a stinging beating pool of sadness
the sadness clings....it fills every crevice;
you carry some wherever you go
as the child knows too well.
sleep is but a temparary escape from pain
the brown eyes close, all is gone [/I][/COLOR]