Writing Short Stories

[Kieko]

In this thread, I'm going to post short stories that I make up when I'm bored. Here's the first:
"DAMINATION!" He shouted into the darkness. And it was more a descriptive word than anything else at that point, too. The clouds shot their icy bullets at all who lay before them, the wind tore at his clothes, the trees creaked and groaned with the rhythm of the storm, and the hills, those ugly, rugged hills, seemed to go on forever, sinking into the darkness surrounding all. In fact, that was the most perplexing thing, the darkness. It was the center of all living things, light, and yet, here was an ocean of darkness. An endless terrain of shadow.
He walked still further up the gravel path that lay at his feet. He knew not where he was headed, only that he must get away from it all... sirens blared in the distance and he knew why. They were carrying his mom onto the ambulance truck with a useless attempt to get her to a hospital in time to save her. Tears welled up in Jan's eyes. His dad had always said that in times of despair, follow your feet, they'll guide you. Now he was following his feet, and they led him into the darkness, the wall of shadow surrounding him. He wanted to fling himself from the cliff, but was too scared to bring himself up to the task. The darkness closed in, it was enough to make the strongest man want to huddle up in a tight ball and cry, cry until the sun came up, but there was no light and cry again, to make them cry until their knees weren't only soaked with rain, but also with their tears... their essence...

It's not really even a short story, so I think I'm going to continue it once people give me feed back on the way it is now.

[Annie]

[color=teal][font=times new roman][b]I liked it, but I have a suggestion. When you write your story, try to seperate it into paragraphs when the subject takes a little change.

When the story is bunched up into a huge paragraph, it kind of loses the reader's attention. On the other hand, if you seperate the subject matter and make the story a little more organized, then you will get the reader motivated to read on.

It was just a suggestion, so if you think that I am a jerk, then more power to you. But look at some posts from people who've been here for a while and study how organized and neat they are.

Just as a closing note, I liked your short story. You got it off to a good start, and I will look forward to reading more.

~anima[/color][/font][/b]

[Kieko]

Jan wandered helplessly on into the blackness of the night. He had not expected to see anything accept the rugged landscape and the gravel path up the mountain. But he was mistaken?thankfully.
He was lost in a train of thought, replaying the accident over and over in his mind, seeing what could have happened differently to prevent it, when he saw his shadow. It took him a few moments, but he turned around and looked into the blaring lights. It was almost like looking into the sun, nothing but a lot of light, but at least it was better than the darkness.
The car slowed to a stop and a window went down.
?You alright little guy?? A man spoke from within the car. He had the deepest voice Jan had ever heard and the gruffness in it made him sound tough. He had shrunken eyes and a large nose, skinny lips and cheeks, and small ears. Jan could tell he was looking at him. More specifically, the gash on his left arm near the shoulder, the cut on his head from where he hit his head, and his lip which was bleeding. They were all bleeding.
?Yeah.? Was all he could say.
?You don?t look alright.? The man said, and he was telling the truth. On top of his injuries, he was soaked to the core with rain and cold. ?Get in the car and I?ll drive you home.?
Home. There was a word he hadn?t thought of since the accident. He didn?t want to go home. His dad was killed in a random shooting when Jan was 8 and his 18-year-old brother was either dead, or didn?t care enough to come home afterwards. Jan hadn?t been a good student, so he didn?t need to worry about school, grade or behavior. He was a punk, beating up people since his dad died. He had worked out a lot at gyms instead of at school, which meant he got bad grades, too. Now that he thought of it, he had treated everyone, including himself, bad after his father died; life just wasn?t a big deal anymore.
?You need a ride, little guy?? the line was repeated from inside the car.
Yeah? yeah, ok.? Jan said. He didn?t like being called a little guy, especially because he worked so hard to become a big guy.
?Where to?? The man said when Jan was in his seat. He didn?t even bother to buckle his seat belt.
?Anywhere. It doesn?t matter anymore.?
?You don?t want to go home to your folks??
?What folks??
With that the man was silent. They were both silent. Silence, darkness, one was just as bad as the other. He hated silence. It was silence that was before ?it? happened. The crash. Jan must have drifted to sleep, because what little light there was began to spin and fade away as he was back in the car, earlier that evening with his mom in the driver?s seat?.

He was drowsy. He had been woken up for school by his alarm and had not gotten enough sleep. Like the work he got at school helped that. He was getting in the car after cross-country, it was another typical day. Another typical long ride home. By the time they got to the road on which their street was only one right and then a left away, it happened, the world, Jan?s world, ended.
?How was school? Did you have fun?? his mom asked.
Jan, who was hot because he had done sprints in 100-degree weather, was agitated. ?Why do you always ask me that? The answer?s going to be the same every time!?
?I was just trying to make conversation.?
?Yeah, well, don?t! I just want to relax!?
?Ok, fine."
?Just don?t say anything mom! I don?t want to here it! ? and she was silent, and so was Jan. He couldn?t believe what he?d just said. He regretted it the moment the words slipped from his tongue. There was silence. A deadly silence that Jan will never forget. They were driving down the road and were trying to make the green light, they did, but not all the way. A turquoise Tahoe ran into their little car from the left. They were riding in a little blue beetle and the truck hit his mom?s side of the car. It was almost like an electrifying jolt. He lurched towards his mom, and she into the window, shattering it. A piece gashed his left arm, and another grazed his lip. The car was spinning out of control. It fell off the street and into the trees beside it. Jan was flung out his window and hit a tree with his head first. The rest of his body followed and then slumped to the ground.
He lay there for about 5 minutes, slightly dazed, then, ran to the car. The left fender was busted and the wheels were spinning uselessly as the car was on it?s back, the right side leaned against a tree. Jan summoned his courage and bent down to look in the left window at the driver, his mom. The picture was terrible. He knew right away she was, or was going to be, dead. Her face had blood all over her cheeks and down the side of her head, her eyes still frozen in terror. Her black hair hung loosely over her shoulders and mouth. Jan looked down. Her right leg was twisted in an unnatural angle and had blood at the knee. She was leaned against the driving wheel. Jan couldn?t believe it, so he ran. He ran even though it was pitch black outside. He couldn?t believe that his mom was dead, that her future had been cut off, that she had already lived her life to it?s fullest, but, in running away, he showed he truly accepted?
********************************
Jan awoke. He didn't even remember falling asleep. Was earlier on this evening a dream? The wreck, was it a figment of his imagination? As he regained his senses, a bubble of hope swelled inside of him; he was in a moving car. He turned to the driver to make sure it was his mom.
The bubble popped. It was a strange man. Jan suddenly remembered everything.
"Pretty long snooze. You ok now?" The man said in his gruff voice.
"Yeah, I'm ok." Jan sounded so feeble. It irritated him.
"Hmm." The man said, obviously ending the conversation. This being done, Jan ressumed looking out the window. It was like a never ending night. He just wished that the car ride would go on forever, but it didn't. About an hour later, they stopped.