Talking behind your back

[Adahn]

I hate it when people talk about other people behind their backs. I know people who seem to be friends when their together, but as soon as one person leaves their presence, they'll start complaining about them. In these situations, I'm mostly in the middle, because I tend not to judge people, but I don't know how to respond. I feel that if I affirm them, then I'm being disloyal to the other person. However, I also feel that if I say something to them about how it bugs me, they'll feel hurt, and also they'll think I'm not on their side, when I really don't want to get in the middle. So, I end up smiling, nodding, or ignoring them, because I really don't know what to do. It seems like everyone I know who is friends with someone does it, and I don't know what to do. It makes me feel kind of odd that I never talk about people behind their backs. Also, it gives me the feeling that they'll talk about me behind my back if they get the chance. I could really use some advice on how to handle these situations, because it distresses me.

[Solo Tremaine]

[COLOR=#503F86]I never know what to say either- usually I say nothing at all and ride out the conversation until it changes to a more agreeable subject.

It does annoy me that people can't be more open about things- if the problem's really that bad, why not try and say something to them about it? It'd probably help everyone in the end. The problem comes with avoiding confrontation- people don't want to offend or get into trouble with the other person because it's a hassle. Conversely, the confrontation would probably be a lot less worse if they talk about it earlier.

I must admit, there are times when I have to get things off my chest about someone (I doubt anyone can say they've never had a problem with one of their friends), but if I do I don't mouth off about them behind their backs to a whole troop of people, and I don't ever make out that I'm not their friend. It's usually about how I interact with them anyway, as opposed to a character 'fault', as it may be perceived.

I think the best thing to do is to stay neutral unless it gets to a point where the person complaining is being unreasonably nasty and you feel someone's going to get severely hurt as a result. In which case, I'd talk to them about why they dislike them, try and talk it over and work it out. That seems the most diplomatic way.[/COLOR]

[NeoNabishen]

Talking behind someone back is wrong! If you have something to say about somebody than you should at least have the guts to say it to their face. I think it?s really cool that you don?t talk about people like that. You should be proud.
As to what or what not to say that?s for you to decide. But think about this ?Is saying nothing the same thing as if you had said it your self" real friend?s stand up for each other and good people stand up for everybody.
So keep at it and don?t be afraid to stand up for others. You will admired for it more then likely

[Heaven's Cloud]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Adahn [/i]
[B]I could really use some advice on how to handle these situations, because it distresses me. [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=indigo]I'd give you some advice, but it seems as though you are already handling yourself in an admirable manner. Just keep on attempting to change the subject when one friend is talking trash about another. Or you can always mention good points about the person that is being "bad-mouthed" in a subtle way.

Personally I would try and remain as neutral as possible, by getting overly involved you could end up in a situation you don't deserve to be in...[/color]

[AzureWolf]

We are talking about friends here, right? Being open with them is always a nice thing to do.

A person is your friend for good/sincere reasons (I hope). So, if your friends are anything like mine, they completely let you voice your opinion. Since the subject is one of your friends, and another one your friends just stated his opinion, I don't see any reason not to say yours.

[Baron Samedi]

There isn't much ypou can do. HC's idea of slipping in good things is a good idea. Just ignore it, stand around, and look bored, until the subject changes. What can you do? If you ask them to stop they'll b*tch at you. If you don't say anything, and ignore them... they might just get the idea.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing though by remaining neutral. You need to look after yourself as well.

Just ignore it. Not much else you can do.

[AutoKill]

Talking behind some ones back. Or "Back-stabbing" as am going to call it, is another form of a power struggle. The whole idea is childish. People still tend to us it when they get older. Weather the "back-stabber" knows it at all. They are usually just trying to put themselves in a position to were they better there popularity by trying to change some one else?s views. (Improving their rank by lowering someone else?s) You on the hand already know this. Am a type of person that fights fire with fire. So if you dislike it that much, I would go ahead and tell the person/or persons that do it, to stop. If they understanding, then it will work out. If they are not, then you can look forward to being back-stabbed.

Usually this behavior wears off after high school. So hang in there.
Talking behind some ones back. Or "Back-stabbing" as am going to call it, is another form of a power struggle. The whole idea is childish. People still tend to us it when they get older. Weather the "back-stabber" knows it at all. They are usually just trying to put themselves in a position to were they better there popularity by trying to change some one else?s views. (Improving their rank by lowering someone else?s) You on the hand already know this. Am a type of person that fights fire with fire. So if you dislike it that much, I would go ahead and tell the person/or persons that do it, to stop. If they understanding, then it will work out. If they are not, then you can look forward to being back-stabbed.

Usually this behavior wears off after high school. So hang in there.

[Semjaza]

It's something that always happens at times. I tend to be honest enough with people, so when they do something that is annyoing me... I just tell them. I expect the same in return.

I try not to talk behind people's backs, at least not in the normal manner where you act fake and pretend you like them to their face, but complain about them at all other times.

In situations where other people do it, I generally just listen and leave it at that. Sometimes you have to discuss things about other people when they're not around... but in cases where it's just mean for the sake of being mean, I usually find myself harping upon that person's good points.

[Kanariya]

Yes, I admit it a few times in my earlier life I did talk behind some friends' backs. I admit saying it was wrong, ending relationships is no fun, I had it in 3rd grade.
Anyway, I think you should be honest with the person. But I don't go too far, one friend of mine just randomly cusses at them and it is really annoying. I tell her that it is annoying, and she listens sometimes, not all the time. Having little chats on the phone or something is what I do.

[Purple Haze]

I mean when thsi talkeng behind the back stuff USUALLY happens more with girls than boys. When a group of guys get together and one leaves its ok because they really have nothing personal like to talk about. But its way different with girls. Girls all they do is run, run their mouths to each other and tell all of their business and such. then soon as they leave the other one starts talking to someone elss and it keeps on going and going. And usually its starts fight. Its like on big FAKE chain of friends.

[Guest rttocs77]

I have a horrible paranoia with this. I always think people are talking about me when I hear people whispering around me. It really sucks, I just automatically think everyone hates me and that they are saying really bad things about me.

What I don't like though is when someone talks about someone behind their back and then they act, to the person they spoke of, really nice and buddy buddy with them in person. If I ever do say something behind someones back I usually tell it to their face to. :devil:

If it really concerns you though, talk to them. Or you can always talk to a shrink/physician and get them to prescribe you Valium/Klonopin/Xanax etc... It can really help. The sucky part though is that it only works a few times if you take it regularly so you can only take it when you REALLY need it, which shouldn't be more than like once a week. Hm, maybe that's another problem of mine....

[Adahn]

Thanks for all the advice. I've decided to merely ignore people when I hear the talking behind other people's backs, and I'll also continue to dignify myself by not echoing their mistakes.

[stardust]

Well,i don't like it either, but sometimes you just gotta vent, y'know? Like if my friend said something stupid or annoying, I'll probably tell somebody else how much I hated it to let out the rage. It's not bad, it's just I don't wnat to start world war 3 over something stupid.

[future girl]

I hate hypocrites, it's just something I really can't stand. I tend to be a bit more outspoken than people like so if there's something that bothers me about you then I'll tell you or I won't talk to you altogether. I can't stand being around ppl who talk bad about someone behind their back, but when that person's in their face they're all nice and sugary. When I'm in a situation like this I tell them they're hypocrites and that if they're gonna talk about ppl to not do it around me. It's just something that really bothers me and I like to let ppl know that. *shrug*

[Ratix]

I dont care really. I know my friends talk about me behind my back, because we're not that kind of good friends.
I try not to do it though.

[Gentle]

One of my friends just tried to kill somebody for talking behind their back. It was in school so of course the teachers waiting like five minutes before stopping it plus one of thems a pervert. It was like a mud fight to him. I won't see her now for I don't know how long. She was proud of herself though for making the other girl cry while she laughed in her face. A consequence well needed for her.

I do have my turns when I talk behind someone's back but it's nothing serious. I might say something like 'OMG, she needs to take a shower' or 'Somebody needs to go give her a comb.' Those mainly toward one person. It's not a good thing to do but she starts to preach and protest when someone says something to her. It's irritating.

I know other people talk behind my back all the time. Some are standing right behind me when they do it too. I don't care. I ignore it most of the time. Now, it's starting to take a little affect but nothing much. Truly, I just want to reach over and 2 right jabs, 1 left hook, and then finish it off with a roundhouse kick. I'd be so relaxed after that.

[Annie]

[color=teal][font=times new roman][b][size=2]I do not care if people talk about me behind my back. If they do not like me, then they can stuff it. Whatever they say is not of my concern, I don't care what they say. For I have people whom I know would never do such things.

I will admit I have talked about someone behind their back. But, the difference between me talking behind their back and most people, I speak only what's true. I will not talk hypocracy, I talk what's true. Don't get me wrong, I do tell the person usually within a couple of days what I thought about what they did or said.

So, it just depends on what you talk about, in my opinion. If it's just out of spite, then it's "back-stabbing", but if it's out of truth, then it may not be considered "back-stabbing". It's just better to tell the person period.[/color][/font][/b]