Writing Rio's Poetry

[RioLaskand]

Kelsey-

(warning, just one dirty word)

I like her
[i]She has a boyfriend[/i]
And yet she leads me on
Is she?
or does she want me to follow to someting greater?
Amazing girl
The day could be raw,
but her support soothes all woes
I feel right, we have fun together
[i]She has a boyfriend[/i]
The obstacle to close all doors
If she didn't?
We could've gone to Homecoming,
would we enjoy ourselves? I assume so
We might get together again,
and then...anything
[i]She...has...a...boyfriend[/i]
Why can't my emotions understand?
Every strand of my being
knowing that it cannot be done,
and yet...
something still needs to be
She is water to my Tantalus
such a sweet water
that could complete my life,
but recedes when I go to sip
[i]She has a boyfriend[/i]
but I don't care
I still see her
with that as a dark cloud
Everything is so right! but for a detail
Why can't I have been first?
How does she feel?
What the fuck do I do? I don't know
She has a boyfriend...
So what do I do?

I may or may not post more, but this is good to start. Comments&Criticism always welcome

[KarmaOfChaos]

[color=deeppink]
This is really good, especially if you've just started writing poetry. I can tell it really comes from your heart, and that confusing emotion it brings to like someone you can't have. It's presented in a basic and raw way, nothing is obscure, you just say what you feel. And that's the point of writing.

Very good, you should definitely keep writing. Your poetry will improve as you do. =)

-Karma
[/color]

[RioLaskand]

[b]Destructive Youth[/b]

The light pierces my eyes
as I flow through the crowd
the cloak of hatred flashes
across a face of dull and normalcy

The building stands a monolith
The structure sound
infected with C4
placed by the hands of hate

[i]These poor fools will pay
derisive opposition
to a brilliant mind
will be their downfall

No one listened
no one ever listened...
They will listen now....
as their bones crackle in the cinders

Who will hear my voice now?
The world will see my face
The ideas will be brought to life
by those who shunned them[/i]

The cloak swishes, snapping and silently growling
as the monolith, strong and talll
ignites into fire burning bright
making graves throughout the night

[b]The Test[/b]

The stifling air
chokes the senses
leaving thought
to the wind

A man of authority
towers above me,
saying,
"Now, begin,"

My hands are entities
as they weave a tapestry
of sound, and light, and grace
and none but him do hear

A stutter,
rends that tapestry asunder
but my hands keep going
repairing the lost parts

The music flows onward,
picking up pace
the bow floats on air
the fingers race

I strike the final chord,
my face flushed in sweat
The last streams of music
flit through the room

He stays,
dismissing my frame
and says, "thank you, we will call you,"
and I leave not the same

[b]She is Still There[/b]

She was there, still unreachable
but still she was there
reaching for embrace,
and I met her halfway

We held together for a moment too long,
she is unreachable,
but not so much now
for she is still here

we are on the porch
a breeze has kicked up,
she stifles a cough
because of it I should not be there

the fates' detestable joke throw sickness
at the opportune time
but my mind cares not

I will brave the invisible assault,
because she is there,
and nothing has changed,
but it still feels right

so why does nothing change?
why am I still waiting for the chance to come
when the heart on the ring is turned outward
and the love will flow back in again

So I can just wait
and hope that it feels right once more

OOC: Hope you all enjoy. Comments criticism are always helpful and very welcome

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]Yes, it does get rather annoying when no one posts in your thread. Most of us have had that happen to us before, so we can sympathise. However, it [i]is[/i] against the rules, so next time nobody replies, just PM me and I'll post. I'll be happy to -- I love seeing what people are doing with Poetry and stories. I myself could never write poetry, so I have a great appreciation for anyone who can.

I think the favorite poem for me was [u]The Test[/u]. I thought that it was wonderful. To me it's the representation of college applications to music -- many of my friends have had to go through it. [Although, I'm only in Year 10/11 -- It's Summer holidays at the moment.]

What I love about your poem is the honesty. Some people do poems where there's a meaning underneath -- often a dark meaning in the guise of something smooth and sophisticated. I like those poems, but it's really refreshing when I see someone who just says what's happening.

The first poem was wonderful. I really liked the [i]She...has...a..boyfriend[/i], as if you're reminding yourself constantly.

Well done. You have real talent. Please, continue.

.:Asphy:.[/size]

[RioLaskand]

my body courses with fear
as my brain belittles a life
that was lived through its perception
the master attacks the disciple

What have I done wrong?
I have shown you,
my most intimate of parts
everything about my life,
you are the one that analyzes all,
showing me ideas, dreams, sorrow

But you are still the dominant voice,
ridiculing my every move,
the mirror of myself inside my head
attacking my every thought,
second guessing everything

I want to be happy,
WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?!
You won't let me
[i]I[/i] won't let me
but when will my inner demons tame?

OOC: This is a bit of my dark side I guess. I would love to hear what others think of it. Comments&Criticism always welcome. Ja ne!

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]I like this poem, although there are a couple of lines that aren't as smooth as your normal work.

In the first stanza, I have to say that I [i]love[/i] that last line: [i]the master attacks its disciple[/i], although, perhaps you could change [i]its[/i] to [i]the[/i]. Just a suggestion; it's fine as it is. Actually, the first stanza as a whole is really quite brilliant. I like the perception line; it's rather insightful.

I'm not sure about the second stanza. The second and last lines seem to break the flow a little bit...perhaps you could break it into another line? Possibly you could cut out the [i]my most intimate of parts[/i] section. I do like the last two lines, though.

The third stanza is quite good; the line that jumps out at my is [i]the mirror of myself inside my head[/i]. I think that's a brilliant description.

In the fourth stanza, perhaps you should emphasise I in [i]I won't let me[/i], with italics, maybe? Just to draw more into the fact that there are two people inside the mind. The last line brings a strong conclusion.

Well done, once again. ^.^[/size]

[Mitch]

[size=1] What I have read of your poetry is very good. You manage to teeter between poetic and simply stating your facts.

Sorry I don't have the time to do a roundabout look at one of your poems, but I am short for time. Post more, and then I'll crit one later on. Heh. [/size]

[RioLaskand]

[b]I've Lost It...[/b]

The fist filled with malice
blasts across my face
I rear to defend
but the assailant stands tall
pummeling soft flesh

I fall back, broken
unable to rise
I've lost my wings
and will not fly again

I've fought all my life
with fists, not words
now thrust in a world
my fists numbed and tied
words don't come easy
but I've tried my best

Until he came,
his fists fresh and unbound
he slaps my face with words, unbridled
and I fight back feebly,
but small words can say big things
and his fresh, daunting fists,
have silenced my mouth
drenching it in blood

I have lost it
that edge, that spirit I once felt
the numbing of the hands
has numberd my mind
beaten my wings into submission
clipping them brutally,
for I will not fly like I once could



[b]The Battle Already Lost[/b]

Why can you feel the pain
I can't imagine?
I want to take it
and wrench it from your body
thrusting it to myself

Your tears shatter my world
I can do nothing
as you leave my side
once again, forever

You have always burned
with a passion and desire
but now you lay silent,
beaten and tired

It would be so easy
to slip to sleep,
and leave my side,
in your weakness,
I see you failing

But you still fight
with the feeble strength
until it is sapped,
and your tears are dried

But mine are fresh

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]Mmmkay. Sorry about this, but I only really have time to crit one poem, so I'm going to chooose..."I've Lost It."

Over all it's a good poem. It might not be hinged this way, but it reminds me of a boxer who has lost the will to fight and is getting pounded. The only thing that disrupts the illusion in my mind is the last line, which, when combined with the lack of structure surrounding it, becomes less effective.

Wow, sounds technical, no?

Heh. I'll try to put it simpler, since I think I just confused myself. The last line seems to be out of place with the rest of the poem -- a throw in -- something to end the poem with. It doesn't need need it, though. The poem works well.

It has a great opening line; the imagery there is just fantastic. I like the line, "I fall back, broken/unable to rise" and the rest of the poem follows suit.

Sorry I couldn't go more in depth -- I don't have enough time if I want to finish writing this chapter today. ^.^"[/size]

[RioLaskand]

[b]Broken Love[/b]

You give me strength
you give me life,
and yet you tear them away
at a word

I feel your presence,
hovering about me
but your silence
is truly sacred

Your words are harsh
your voice is terse,
and you are nothing
like you should be

I lost your life,
I lost my own,
and now I miss you
but you have never gone

I want you back,
I want to scream
but you just talk
and will not listen

I cannot hear,
I want to feel
soft touch
and soft words

So feel my pain
and run me through
with insults here,
and mockery there

I'm on my own,
you tear at me,
but will I scream,
before I break?

[Skitto]

*applause* very good, let me guess, The Test is very good, all is very good poetry.

[RioLaskand]

[b]The Ballad of Rock[/b]

I forgot the moment
to live in it
to breathe it
to be enraptured by it

The life of hectic things
material things
pointless things
swallowed the moment

But a flit of music
changed to a blast
shattered worries
for 3 minutes

And the memories
the images of happiness
living the moment
caressing life by the second
not the year

And I am won again
for I can live again
by your second,
not my year

[b]Heartless Living[/b]

You clink your coins
seduce them into my pocket
I will do your will
I will squash my soul

For the small price to pay
I will do what you wish
and fight as you dare
to show me

I will sell away morals
toss life to the wind
for a few more bills
of cold hard cash

I can burn down a house
or kill my own mother
but I don't give a damn
as long as you keep your end

I will kill, rape, maim, and defile
as long as I get my pay
for I am a hired demon
who is worth too much to be cleansed

[Mitch]

[size=1][b]The Ballad of Rock[/b]--live life in its moment, live it and caress it and live in its moment, not its future, not its past, not anything but what is happening then. Live for that day, that hour, that minute, that second, that millisecond, that blip in time, that second where you are moving your arm, and you think in your head, and you are you and are alive and are in the moment.

Music shows us this--music gives us rhythm, shows us that life doesn't need to be remembered over, pondered over--but life should just be--life should be lived in as happy as you can be by knowing that at that very second, that very second is all that matters.

That is what the poem is about. As for how you handled it--it was handled well. And ending it with that you don't live for your seconds, years, times, amounts--but you live for someone else's--that worked well.

It rhymed here and there, had a nice flow that easily kept the reader reading--it worked. I thought it's very good.

You also seem to be a decently prolific writer--you seem to have quality easily on your side as well. This is good. This is what makes anyone good at something--including writing, including poetry--and that is doing your art, your thing of love, as often as you can allow it--sometimes even forcing yourself.

[b]Heartless Living[/b]--Some people live too much for money--which is, in essence, a distraction. That is what this poem is about--it is about going against what one thinks for material things, for physical things, over mental things. It is about not thinking about everyone else, but thinking about one's self. Living heartlessly, without interdictioning emotions, without encumbering realizations of care. Money's coins are cold things, and as cold as the countenance of the men they bear.

The poem works well--especially at its end, with the blunting of all those bad things in one sentence that the person shall do--as long as they get paid.

Sorry it took me so long to reply. But you've got your reply all the same, heh.

I think you're most definitely a good poet--and I say post more, write more, think more--do everything that makes writing better more, and makes you feel what you feel more.[/size]

[RioLaskand]

[b]Empathy of a Glance[/b]

I am paralyzed by your sorrow
You can't hide it with words
dismissing the pain
I can see your eyes

They pierce through me
you know what has happened
and I know not what to do
I can do nothing but feel

Your sorrow fills my veins
we are connected through
something deeper than this
I can feel your pain, your sorrow

I can't make you feel better
I can't even move,
Your pain has thrown me down
and it is not mine to bear

I feel sick, this pain I feel
It's not right,
You should not have this
you are too genuine, too perfect

Why must the fates burden you,
with this horrible fate?
The human condition tears you down
you are questioning your worth

But you don't see your true worth
greater than any precious material
kindness and loyalty,
never truly appreciated and loved

These horrific bastards will never see
the light and lovelines that I can see
they see the trophy, a thing
I see a person, too beautiful
inside and out

What horrific man can do this,
take another while promising his love,
in empty words and touches
He doesn't deserve to glimpse you

And he will never see a second thought
because he is not human
No human can hurt another
in such a way
He will never see your pain

But I see it, and it tears me inside
knowing who you are,
and what you don't need or deserve

You deserve happiness, joy,
love that doesn't involve "belonging"
love that involves "being"
and you should've felt that the first

But that is not the case,
and you are in pain,
pain which I can describe
all too perfectly

We are linked, you and I
deeper than family, close friends
our souls touch
and your pain is pulled to me

Your tears I cannot bear
I am speechless to do anything
because I know not what to do
and my tears join your pool
because I feel what you feel

and we are one

[b]Truth at a Glance[/b]

There is a special smile
that you make with your eyes
not empty or fake
but twinkle like the stars below

Most people fake their smiles
and seeing their sappy grins
make me sick to my stomach
I have seen how they work
and they deal in reddish business

but you don't do that,
you smile with your eyes,
you cry with your eyes,
you pout with those hazels
and they make you truly you

Those who wear
their emotions on their sleeves
know that other people see
what they feel

You are more secretive
others don't see what you feel
but a glance to your eyes
in a moment of your lapse
can breed volumes

I have seen these with mine own
we locked, and for a second I saw
you were drawn to me, in sorrow
and I saw your soul

Again, we were locked
not in a truth
but in fabrication of my mind
and you smiled
your eyes followed suit

But we were not real
and I will see you not
till the year is past
and the fireworks fly

but I do not fret
for you are not gone
I go away to my land
and come back with new thoughts

I'll share them with you
as we sit in the cold
but warmed still as one
as we have been before

OOC: Yeah I guess I did a bit of a thematic type thing. I have been dealing with eye contact a lot lately with different things going on. Comments and Criticism always welcome. Also, I am going away for a while, so if you post, and I don't post more poetry for a while, I am probably out soakin up the sun. Thanks all for giving me ideas to make the poetry better. Ja ne!

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]I didn't read much, because I have some stuff to do, but I read [u]Truth At A Glance[/u]. And I'm afraid I didn't like it as much as some of your other poems. It didn't really flow as well as some, and while there was a good rhythm, and feeling to it, it didn't really draw me in as much as some of your others.

It could be because there's a more detatched view, or, more probably, because I'm tired.

Of everything, I think my favorite part was that last stanza. The feeling really came through there for me, and it was a wonderful, sweet end.[/size]

[RioLaskand]

[b]Father Live For Me[/b]

Blessed father I love so dear
dont slap me down,
I will adhere

Feel my pain for I am hurt
with my face
smashed in the dirt

Will your mercy for give my plight
Can I still come
to the light?

Satan wants me yes I know
because my father told me so

I will never see his face
without praying to your grace
He has hurt me physically
but you shall save me
and help me flee

Then we dance and feel great joy
as my wrists join in my ploy
surrendering their lifeblood then
I will return to you again

[b]Two With One On the Side[/b]

Two souls connect
physically and greater
I can see the energy
of happiness unbridled

From afar I observe
a watcher on the sidelines
of the energy unfolding before me
for two are in love

their tendrils enrapped together
they walk with a certain elegance
and I crack a smile
not of derisity, but satisfaction
detached, but still part
of a moment of inhibitionless joy

Two are in love
their love is known wide
they see none around them
their aura spreads wide
and I watch, alone
enrapted in the outskirts
of their joy

Smiling a hidden smile
known only to me