Writing The Stranger In A Strange Land

[Brasil]

?The Stranger In A Strange Land?


Julian Bradbury stood anxiously at the crossroads, looking to the horizon, scanning for the yellow dragon that would soon scoop him up and transport him to a world he, until today, had never known. He fidgeted with his cap. It was too tight; his guardian had fastened the straps wide of the marked slot. The straps choked him slightly. Perhaps Julian Bradbury felt the straps were to blame for the mild limit of oxygen, or perhaps Julian was just a little scared of what he was about to face.

The wind blew against his face. It was a crisp wind, biting his face mildly. Julian felt a chill run down his body, and held his coat closer to his person. He glanced back at his dwelling. He so wished to run back there, to the warmth of familiarity. He felt safe there and already felt longing for it. But he was at the age of journey, and his guardian would not hear of any fear or trepidation. Julian was of proper age to venture out of the quarters and could no longer stay there all day. He was to journey now, and the yellow dragon was to begin his journey with him.

Julian looked up at the sky. Gray clouds hung overhead; the sun was not shining. A few winged creatures circled ahead. Vultures, Julian thought. He hoped those birds weren?t circling for him, for he was young, and only starting his journey. But his time to cease was not here, and would not be here for a longest time. Even with the knowledge of his youth, Julian still found himself leery of those birds. The idea of the vultures picking at his eyes sent piercing and paralyzing fear through him. Julian quickly looked back to the crossroads, back to the distance, hoping to catch sight of the yellow dragon. He wished it would arrive now, as the birds still circled.

Julian patted his satchel, making sure his scribing materials were present. It would not be favorable if his scribing books were missing on the first day of his journey, as it is certain he would find things to write about and make record of. As he looked up from his satchel, he caught sight of a monstrous yellow dragon on the horizon. The yellow dragon approached at a speed Julian had never witnessed before, gliding to a gentle stop at Julian?s side.

The dragon rider smiled at Julian, extending his hand and bidding him aboard. Julian stood still for a moment, unsure of his readiness for such a step, but the dragon rider smiled and motioned pleasantly for him to step up onto the yellow dragon. Julian?s apprehension melted away.

The yellow dragon started off again, Julian riding comfortably up front. What strange but wondrous journey this will be.

[Mitch]

Julian Bradbury stood [b]anxiously[/b] [color=red] I'd try to limit your adjective usage as much as you possibly can. This isn't bad where it's at at all..but if you can think of a better way to say he's anxious than the way it is, do it. I can't really think of one...but you know, I'm just trying to say that the use of adjectives redundantly can really make a piece feel..contrived in some ways. I'm sure you knew all of this already, heh.[/color] at the crossroads, looking to the horizon, scanning for the yellow dragon that would soon scoop him up and transport him to a [b][strike]world he, until today, had never known[/strike][/b] world until today he hadn't known[color=red] I personally don't like the interuption the comma makes. I think it weakens the flow you had first off.[/color]. He fidgeted with his cap. It was too tight; his guardian had fastened the straps [b]wide of[/b] [color=red] Odd phrasing. Just say "far from" or some other thing. It's a small thing...but hey, I'm just trying to help.[/color] the marked slot. The straps choked him slightly. Perhaps Julian Bradbury felt the straps were to blame for the mild limit of oxygen, or perhaps Julian was just a little scared of what he was about to face.

The wind blew against his face. It was a crisp wind, [color=red] mildly[/color]biting his face [b][strike]mildly[/b][/strike][color=red] Again...the adjectives. I cannot really think of a better way to do this sentence, so I'm just going to change the syntax a bit to make it not so cumbersome. The way you had it stuck it out like a sore thumb...and ended the sentence not as good as you could have.[/color]. Julian felt a chill run down his body, and held his coat closer [strike]to his person[/strike] [color=red] It's unneeded and sounds contriving. If he's holding his coat closer...I think it's easy enough to understand it's to himself.[/color]. [b][strike] He glanced back at his dwelling. He so wished to run back there, to the warmth of familiarity.[/strike] [/b][color=red] He glanced back at his dwelling, wishing he could run back to the warmth. [Just getting rid of the repetitous "He" in this part. Putting two thoughts and stringing them as one][/color] He felt safe there[color=red].[/color] [strike][b]and already felt longing for it[/b][/strike] [color=red] It was his home[/color]. But he was at the age of journey, and his guardian would not hear of any fear or [b][strike]trepidation[/b][/strike] [color=red] Replace with a less cumbersome word. The way you've narrated this so far has not had a word as long as this. It just stands out of place and doesn't feel right where it is. Just say what you're trying to in less letters--it makes it feel more realistic and flows better as well.[/color]. Julian was of proper age to venture out of the quarters and could no longer stay there all day. He was to journey now, and the yellow dragon was to begin his journey with him.

Julian looked up at the sky. Gray clouds hung overhead; the sun was not shining. A few winged creatures circled ahead. Vultures, Julian thought. He hoped those birds weren?t circling for him, [strike]for[/strike] he was young, [strike]and[/strike] only starting his journey. But his time to cease was not here, and would not be here for [strike]a[/strike] [color=red]the[/color] longest time. Even with the knowledge of his youth, Julian still found himself leery of those birds. The idea of the vultures picking at his eyes sent piercing and paralyzing fear through him. Julian quickly looked back to the crossroads, back to the distance, hoping to catch sight of the yellow dragon. He wished it would arrive now, as the birds still circled.

Julian patted his satchel, making sure his scribing materials were present. It would not be favorable if his scribing books were missing on the first day of his journey, as it is certain he would find things to write about and make record of. As he looked up from his satchel, he caught sight of a monstrous yellow dragon on the horizon. The yellow dragon approached at a speed Julian had never witnessed before, gliding to a gentle stop at Julian?s side.

The dragon rider smiled at Julian, extending his hand and bidding him aboard. Julian stood still for a moment, unsure of his readiness for such a step, but the dragon rider smiled and motioned pleasantly for him to step up onto the yellow dragon. Julian?s apprehension melted away.

The yellow dragon started off again, Julian riding comfortably up front. What[color=red] a[/color] strange but wondrous journey this will be.

[size=1] It was pretty good. But I think you didn't explain things clearly enough. Explain more the relevancy of the yellow dragon. Show more what your character feels. Give me more of an image of what the dragon rider looks like.

The writing just feels so small for how much you have to say. It's like you're just motioning at something...but you aren't making much move.

You kept an even narration about the entirety of this piece, except for some hiccups and some unneccesary things. Otherwise it's decent...but as I said, it just feels lacking. It doesn't interest me too much. And when it gets going is only at the end...when you finally start showing more what your character feels.

The ending of it was definitely better. The last small paragraph is essentially affective to the entire feel of the piece.

That's about all I have to say.

Ah. Ray Bradbury is a great author lol.[/size]