Writing Tsukina's Poetry

[Tsukina]

I love writing poems and I would really like some feedback. Please don't be to harsh, I know its not the best.

Dearest One

Dearest one, I give to thee
A rose as pure as love can be
Its smell so sweet,
Its petals red
Accept it, and to me be wed

Dearest one, I give to thee
A symbol of eternity
Forever yours
Forever mine
Our love will truly be divine

Dearest one, I give to thee
My heart, my soul, the whole of me
Take it, please
This simple token
For without you love, I will be broken

I actually don't really like this poem. Its cornie and it rhymes. I especially hate the last two lines. Here's the second.

Near

I've become accustomed to having you near
The way you smile
The way you joke
You're essential to my life
When I'm not with you
I think about you
When I am with you
I can't think
It seems so strange
Not being with you
So please stay near

I like this one more, but its not the best.

[AzureWolf]

Actually, I love the first poem, which is every bit as good as the other one (although-yeah, the second one is more polished). In the first verse, though, pronouncing that the rose is red is rather redundant. If you mean that the rose is markedly red, then I recommend saying it explicitly (i.e., "it's petals all-too red"). Also, I hope that the last sentence in the entire poem has "your" and not "you." Betting it was a typo. :)

Overall, it's a very beautiful poem. On a personal note, I've never appreciated associating red with romantic love, but that's just me. I think the poetic symbolism, along with the feeling, just doesn't coincide a "red" tint in any way, but instead points towards a less-associated color.

The second poem is really professional, although I'm not sure why. You do have that cliched "when I'm not with you" phrase, but you personalize it with that unexpectedly true second verse ("when I'm with you"). On the whole, though, I think these lines could be better worded:

I can't think
It seems so strange
Not being with you

I'm not saying I could phrase them any better, but it just feels like there's a better way to declare those meanings.