Writing Friend

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[size=1][color=006699]This is my first piece of poetry I've written for a while, so sorry if it's bad... And it's about a personal thing that's about to happen.. if you want to know what, read myOtaku.

We?ve only been friends for a while
But in that short time, you?ve crawled into my heart
Leaving a permanent mark forevermore
Piercing my emotions like a very sharp dart

A new day will begin, my life a clean slate
But I always remember that you are there
And I regain my hope, my faith
And my emotions are no longer bare

But as quickly as we met, we depart
And as we go each our separate way
My heart grows weary, my emotions weak
But you promise to return again one day

But can you keep your promise?
Can you say you?ll always be there for me?
I hope you can, once and for all, because
Because, you are once and for always a friend, you see[/color][/size]

[AzureWolf]

Whoa, the artist being artistic. Haha, very nice.

Somehow, I can relate to this poem, but I can't put my finger on it... I like how you mention how this short-lasting friendship was able to make you a stronger and better person. Yes, that entire second verse is well-done.

Anyway, I think the third verse does a better job of closing the poem and leaving that little shred of hope than that last verse. Particularly, these two lines just don't seem to work: [quote]Can you say you?ll always be there for me?
I hope you can, once and for all, because[/quote] I mean, that person isn't there right now, so it seems akward that you'd make a comment like that.

Overall, it's really beautiful. Plus, any poem that uses "forevermore" is good in my book. :) Good job.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]I think, Leh, that what I love about your poetry is that it's always so clean. It's neat; there's a set rhythym and rhyme. And it looks neat -- some poems jump from one line to the next; the first line can be two words, and the second goes to the end of the page.

I think that maybe you lose it a bit in the last stanza -- it isn't as strong as the rest of the poem.

The poem is strong and sweet, and leaves a lovely taste in your mouth after reading it. I love this poem, Leh, and the sentiment behind it.

Well done.

Hrm...perhaps I could have your permission to print it out and put it on my wall, Zach?[/size]

[Mitch]

[quote]We?ve only been friends for a while
But in that short time, you?ve crawled into my heart
Leaving a permanent mark [strike]forevermore[/strike]
[b]And?[/b] Piercing my emotions like a very sharp dart

A new day will begin, my life a clean slate
But I always remember that you are there
And I regain my hope, my faith
And my emotions are no longer bare

But as quickly as we met, we depart
And as we go [strike]each[/strike] our separate way[b]s[/b]
My heart grows weary, my emotions weak
But you promise to return again one day

But can you keep your promise?
Can you say you?ll always be there for me?
I hope you can, once and for all, because
Because, you are once and for always a friend, you see[/quote]

[size=1] Above are my suggestions.

I felt that the use of forevermore was unneedingly verbose [wordy], and also, if you wanted to make it rhyme more, as to attract the reader more, this also makes three of the four lines in the stanza rhyme. I feel it's a little zealous...so perhaps you want to change dart to something else by deleting forevermore, or perhaps you want it to rhyme that much.

I deleted nothing from the second stanza. It works well and says what is says well, too.

The third stanza, on the second line, I felt could have been made more even than it is. So I deleted each, then having to add an "s" to the end of way.

The fourth stanza. I think the tailoring of because, and then the repeation of it work well to give the poem a sense of difference that hints at finality. I especially like the use of commas on the last stanza, and then the "you see" on the end. It gives the poem a nice ending over all.

So I thought it was good, most definitely.[/size]

[Patronus]

[color=006699]Thank you, Mitch, for your help. I'm not that good at writing poetry. ^_^;

Yeah, sure you can Asphy. ^_^[/color]