Writing Cameo [Dramatic Fiction, short.]

[Sara]

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[url=http://www.myotaku.com/users/sara/comments/view/18243/]You can read the story here.[/url]

So I suppose I don't really know what to do with this. I typed it up one evening, after having had the story stuck in my head for a while.

There's a lot of things left open-ended. It's meant to seem in the middle of a story, and there really aren't definitive answers to most of the questions I suppose someone would ask.

No, the characters don't have names. I don't know who sent Thorn (although that's only her taken name, apparently--not her given one, which looks to start with an [i]L[/i].) I don't know why she's there. I don't know why J----- was startled at the symbol on her knife; nor do I know how she and the second man knew each other.

Miss Tori commented that one of the characters reminds her of James, which made me smile, because reading it, J----- does remind me of James, in an odd sort of way. It's probably the designation letter that does it, but nevertheless.

I'm really not particularly pleased with the way I told it. The first part--with the girl alone--I like, but I think it's very weak after J----- first comes in. I don't have any particular ideas as to why, or how to change it, but I suppose I'll keep the story on hand and work on it again eventually.

In any case... Questions, comments...what have you. Any input would be interesting.[/color][/FONT]

[AzureWolf]

Well, just to start, a small typo (I thought I saw another one, but that was it): [quote]The woman makes a small sound [B]as[/B] dismay as she recognizes the second man beyond any shadow of doubt.[/quote] Anyway, moving on to the overall work, I think it does an awesome job of pulling the reader in, especially the way you open it. Isn't this method called [I]in medias res[/I] or something? You know, opening in the middle. But that's not what really pulls you in. It's just how you present the setting and the atmosphere. I agree with you that everything very immersive until J-----'s entrance (those names are very distracting, btw, and I first thought someone was saying a name, but then just drowned out at the end).

I figure the problem lies in how artificial J----- and the other guy feel with respect to the rest of the environment. Here, you've got everything setup, with the tone, the mood, and even the character is clear, but then J----- steps in and immediately takes action. There's no details about him, and his entrance just isn't suspenseful enough because of that. Might want to work on the two new characters' profiles to spice things up.

Additonally, it's just utter confusion when J----- steps in because of the change of style. I think the shift was just too sudden or something.

Did I make any sense? Haha, I've meaning to read this piece for a while, especially with the "short" comment at the top - thought I couldn't lose. Man, talk about false advertising! That was long! Still, the opening might have made me a convert into appreciating long posts... ... ... Nah, but it was a nice first impression. :)