Writing Goodbye (Poem)

[Flashlight]

I wrote this last night. It doesn't quite string together like I'd hoped. I don't usually write poems, but I entered a poetry contest (My friend is going to be checking tickets at the door and didn't want to go alone, so I was forced to join) and I needed to write something for it. I don't like the title much either, and it feels like I'm just re-iterating the same thing a billion times over.

Anywho, please give my your thoughts and whatever advice you have on how it can be improved. I really appreciate it! :D

-----

Goodbye

No longer does the warmth of your body
Keep me at bay
No longer do your serene eyes
Extinguish my pain

Your lovely lips
And perfect hips
Voice of spring
And Energy of summer
You?re a perfect picture
Always by my side
Though only through richer

But joyless you leave me
In the end
Because?

None of it?s real.

You lie to my face
To you I?m a disgrace
You don?t accept me
Why haven?t you left me?

You stay for the cash
You?re like a bad rash
The more I itch
The more I scratch
The more I regret
Ever being with you

I feel nothing inside
I feel nothing on the out
You don?t like me
So you tried to change me

But I am who I am
I?ll never be anything more
Or anything less

Even through my signals
Through my screams
Through all that we?ve ever been through
In all these years
You still cannot see
Me.


I?ll never fit in
Like you do
I was born an outcast
And I?ll die an outcast
Oh so unlike you.

You?ve always been the popular one
The pretty one
The one who always had it good.
Or so at seemed

You had everyone fooled
At a time I believed you were everything
But now I see your nothing

You are no goddess
You are not some sublime creature
Put on this earth
Without mistake

You had me fooled.

I thought you were the one
That you were divine
And that your love was mine

I hoped that you were not only after
My bank account

At first it was like that
That you didn?t care
About how much money I had
Back when there was nothing
I think that was the only
You stayed
For me

But now that time is gone
And I am left
In misery

Nothing is left for me
Nothing at all

I?ll leave with all that I have
That?s all that you want
It?ll be departure before sunset
And death before dawn

Just know that I really did love,
All the way to the end
And I?ll never love again

Goodbye.

[White Akita]

i thought that it was very good. i like the way its written. i'm new at this too, so i can't complain. i like stuff like this anyway. to me, its very good. but there are some critics.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]You're right that in some places it doesn't string together as well, but all over, it's a pretty solid poem. You've done well.

The line [i]Keep me at bay[/i], could prehaps be changed to [i]Keep the cold at bay[/i].

The last stanza seems sort of meldramatic, compared to the rest of the poem, which was sort of resigned and accepting, however, it does bring a good end to the poem.

So, over all, well done![/size]

[Flashlight]

Hey, wow, I thought this thread had died.
Anywho thanks for the critcism. :)
Even though I wasn't satisfied with it I still entered the contest (And won). :)

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]No writing thread will die before I've posted in it, at least while I'm on holidays and at home!

And congradulations on the win. Well done. I'm very impressed. It just goes to show you never know unless you try.[/size]