Writing Lets go and save Ratchet and Clank

[Mighty kai]

Edit: Ok i have changed it. I hope its better now.
Heres' some of a story i started.
.


Most of you people might know Ratchet and Clank right?
The two heroes who saved the galaxy from the evil chairman Drek.
Yes, we cannot forget can we?
But something terrible has happened to them and we some help.

On the planet of veldin a pilot was cleaning her ship with a damp cloth to make it clean and shiny.
But she is different to any other lombax.
She is a white one with black stripes, bright blue eyes and a little cute pink nose.
She even has a black turf of fur at the end of her tail.
To those of you who have heard of Ratchet and Clankm Swiftler looks a lot like Ratchet. Thats all i can say. Its kind of hard to describe a lombax.
Just a different colour thats all.
As for her being a pilot, she wears a pilot helmet with goggles. You know what I am talking about right?
Oh yes I have not told you her name yet. Her name is Swiftler.

As in swifting through the skies.
That is how she got her name.
Her parents reckoned she was going to be a pilot some day. Swiftler lives alone on the planet of Veldin.
She really has not had the time to meet anyone else since her business and all.
Swiftler went back inside her house to check her phone messages.

?You have no messages. Thank you for using the Veldin voice mail service?.
Swiftler sighed. She is upset that she never gets phone calls or has any friends. The only people she has met is the ones who hired her to pilot them. And some of them were not very friendly. She decided to go to the nearest planet to get a few things. She got into her ship and flew off.
When she landed her ship, she went to the nearest shop.The shopkeeper spoke to her nicely.
?Hello my dear what can I do for you?"
Swiftler spoke to him. ?Can I just have 3 bottles of ship shine polish please?"
The Shopkeeper smiled.
?Of course my dear. I?ll be back in a sec?.
Then he disappeared through the back. Another customer came over to talk to Swiftler. This alien looked like a rabbit in a way. Probably because of the long ears. She was wearing a short white skirt and top. Also a red cap worn sideways. She has red fur and has yellow around her eyes.The alien spoke. ?Hi Swiftler, nice to meet you."
Swiftler looked like her with surprise. The two of them were lookings at each other while they were having the conversation.
?How do you know me?"
Swiftler asked. The alien smiled.
?You?re a pretty popular pilot from where I came from?.
Swiftler looked at the alien surprisingly. She was about to speak but the alien stopped her.
?Oh by the way I?m Dangle?
said the alien as she shook Swiftler?s hand.
?Dangle? Hey you are the warrior everyone wants right"?
Dangle smiled and laughed.
?Yep that?s me. Oh by the way Swiftler I need your help?
. Swiftler collected her ship polish from the shopkeeper and turned to Dangle. Swiftler turned to Dangle.

?Really? What can I help you with??
?Some friends of mine have been kidnapped and I want to help me to get to where they are?.
Swiftler nodded.
?So you want me to pilot you to the location of your friends?? Dangle smiled.
?Exactly!! Hey I like you already. Oh by the way my friends are called Ratchet and Clank?.
?Hey I heard about them. What?s happened to them anyway?? asked Swiftler. Dangle sighed,
?They have been kidnapped by Chairman Drek?.
Swiftler moaned.
?Oh no not that guy. Poor Ratchet and Clank. Don?t worry Dangle you can count on me.?
Dangle smiled at Swiftler.
?Thanks there Swift. I think Ratchet and Clank are going to like you?
After they left the shop Dangle took Swiftler to the weapon shop. On the walls there was different kinds of weapons hung up. Weapons such as swords, axes and maces. Dangle loves buying new weapons. Dangle is the shopkeeper?s favourite customer.
?Ah well if it isn?t Dangle. What can I do for you today??
Dangle smiled.
?Hey hey Dennel I want to buy the xp2975 sword please?.

Dennel the shopkeeper laughed.
?So Dangle you can now afford for your favourite sword right?"
Dangle nodded.
?To right, here Den here?s your 8000 bolts.?
Dangle paid for the sword and picked it up. She was very pleased. She wanted this sword for a very long time now. Dangle tied the sword to her belt and turned to swiftler.
?Hey Swift why won?t you buy a weapon?"
Swiftler looked at Dangle and shook her head.
?No, I don?t see any point. I?m a pilot you know. Not a warrior or space adventurer."

[Patronus]

Yeah.. I'm not gonna read this.. until you space properly.. it just bugs me. Could you do that?

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]Leh...at least tell him [i]how[/i] to space it out. Some people aren't as genius as you, you know. ^.~

Basically, Kai, in this lounge we prefer to read things in paragraphs, which is what Leh was getting at. It makes it easier for the reader to read -- which is a good thing. If it's easy to read, more people will want to read it. A new speaker should start a new paragraph, for instace, you could break up your story like this:

[i]?Really? What can I help you with??

?Some friends of mine have been kidnapped and I want to help me to get to where they are.?

Swiftler nodded. ?So you want me to pilot you to the location of your friends??

Dangle smiled. ?Exactly!! Hey I like you already. Oh by the way my friends are called Ratchet and Clank.?

?Hey I heard about them. What?s happened to them anyway?? asked Swiftler.

Dangle sighed, ?They have been kidnapped by Chairman Drek.?[/i]

Oh. One thing I'd like to suggest is that when a sentence is finished in speech marks, i.e. [i]?Yep that?s me. Oh by the way Swiftler I need your help?.[/i] the full stop goes inside the speech marks.

As for the writing itself, my main comment would be to have more description in the story. What do Swiftler and Dangle look like? How do they stand when they're speaking to each other? Where are their surroundings?

Otherwise, great story. Well done. ^_^[/size]

[Mighty kai]

Here's more of my story guys.

Dangle shook her shoulders. ?So? With you being a pilot doesn?t mean you can?t use a weapon well. I think you?ll be great with a weapon?.
Swiftler looked surprised and she smiled.
?Thanks Dangle. If you think I can use a weapon then I?ll buy one.?
Dangle went outside while Swiftler was buying a weapon. She came out with a really big double axe.
?Hey Dangle what do you think of my new weapon then?? Dangle looked and smiled.
?Hey kid you have got style. That axe is a beauty?.
Dangle followed Swiftler to her ship. Dangle asked Swiftler something before they got in the ship.
?Swiftler can you take me to Metropolis? I need to go to Al?s to pick up something. Someone left it there for me.?
Swiftler smiled and nodded.
?Sure Dangle, hop in?,
The ship set off to Metropolis. It didn?t take them at all to get there. Swiftler landed her ship really carefully. And they both hopped out. Swiftler looked at the sights around her.
?Gee this is what Metropolis looks like. I never have been here before?.
Dangle looked at her with surprise.
?Gee kid, you have gotta get out more. Come on lets go to Al?s robo shack?.
Off they set to Al?s robo shack. As they walked in Al was trying to make a pyramid of cards. He was just about to add the last two cards on the top. Then Dangle shouted really loud.
?HEY AL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
Al give a sequel of fright and he managed to fall on top of his card pyramid. All the cards went fluttering around the shop. Both Dangle and Swiftler laughed their heads off. Al didn?t look too amused.
?Thanks a lot Dangle.?
he said really crossly. Dangle was still laughing when she answered him.
?Your welcome?.
Al shook his head at looked at Dangle and Swiftler.
?Ok what do you want??
he said in a really nasty voice. Swiftler didn?t look too pleased with him and she spoke to him.
?Someone left something here for Dangle?.
Al?s expression changed.
?Oh I?m sorry girls. I didn?t mean to talk to you like that. I?ll just go and get the item Dangle?.
Al returned he had a robot in his hand. Dangle didn?t look too pleased.
?An infobot? What do I want with an infobot??
Al spoke again to Dangle and handed the infobot to her.
?Its from your parents Dangle. They said it will come very useful to you?
. The infobot started to play. On the screen it showed Chairman Drek. And he looked really pleased with himself. And he started to speak.
?Hello my dear employees. Your boss Chairman Drek has done another fantastic thing that you all should know.? The screen turned to a large group of robots and aliens. They were all muttering to each other. Then it turned again to Chairman Drek. He laughed out really loud.
?I have done it!!! I have caught Ratchet and Clank. And they are my prisoners!!! Hahaha.?
And then the infobot showed Ratchet and Clank in a cage. They looked so cold and upset. It went back to Chairman Drek. He was laughing evilly. Then the infobot stopped playing. Dangle and Swiftler looked at each other.
?That?s it!!!! We got to get Ratchet and Clank back?
Said Dangle. Swiftler nodded with agreement.
?Lets take the Infobot. It will give us the coordinates of where Ratchet and Clank are. ?
Said swiftler . Dangle and Swiftler turned to the door. They were ready to set off and rescue Ratchet and Clank. As they were up in space, Swiftler was at the controls. As she was pressing all the buttons and panels. They were all making bleeping noises. Swiftler turned around to Dangle who was sitting in a chair behind polishing her sword. She was also doing a little hum.