Writing New Fic, please critique

[Gatomon*s Power]

Digital Tempest
Here's chapter one of my new fanfics. There are going to be three Chapters of digital tempest, then more fics. I hope you enjoy.



Digital Tempest


Chapter 1
The moon's gentle beams drifted through a window splashing against a boy about sixteen laying in a bed sleeping. The window was open, allowing a small breeze to blow through the window. Dark clouds drifted against the night sky, slowly beginning to cover the moon. Small sounds of distant thunder quaked throughout the city. The boy turned over in his bed, opening his eyes slowly. His hand slid from his side up to his face, rubbing his eyes. Folding the sheets over him and sliding out of bed, he stumbles toward the window. Squiting as he looks up at the sky, the moon had not been covered completely. Sighing as he closed the window, he turned around while scratching his head.
"Another storm, great."
He grumbled as he went to lay in bed once again. Tossing and turning throughout the duration of the night. The storm continued through the night. Lightning cracked and thunder quaked, not allowing Lawson to get any sleep. He wasn't afraid of storms, it was just once he had been woken, he couldn't go back to sleep. His alarm clock buzzed at seven a.m., he had forgotten to turn it off the night before.
Lawson emitted a sigh of defeat. There was no use trying to sleep anymore. He sat up in bed, folding the sheets over his legs once again. Sliding out of bed, he walked over to his closet door and pulled it open. Walking in it, started to go through his clothes. Taking a green t-shirt off of its hanger, it was his favorite. The shirt was a light green, not quite pastel but light. Over the heart there was a stylized white sun. Walking through his large closet, he walked over to his jean shelf. Pulling down a pair of faded jeans. Putting his shirt on top of the jeans, he walked over to his shoe rack. Taking out a pair of black boots, putting them on top of his already picked out outfit. Walking toward the door, he grabs a black belt on the way out.
Walking back over to his bed, he sat down to put on his jeans. Pulling them up, he bends down to put his shirt on. The shirt was tight fitting and it came right down to the belt line. Pulling his belt through the belt loops, his outfit was almost totally on. Lawson walked over to his dresser, and opened the top drawer to pull out a pair of socks. Turning to walk back to his bed, sitting down when he reached his destination. He put on his socks, then pulled on his hiking boots. Shaking his head, he walked over to his bed room door, opening it and walking out.
He ran downstairs to the kitchen. Making himself some breakfast, well at least he could pour milk and cereal. He ate his cereal, and drank his milk. Finishing his breakfast quickly he ran back upstairs. Brushing his teeth and fixing his hair quickly. He ran into his room and grabbed his hemp necklace. It was just a plain flat hemp necklace. Lawson ran back downstairs and grabbed his khaki jacket on the way out of the door. By now, it was eight thirty. It was still storming outside, it happened a lot in Merry Old England.
London was a great place to live for a teenager. There were lots of things to do. It was still early yet, but Lawson was usually an early morning person. Sometimes he was a night owl. Lawson went to an old playground and sat on the swings. It was still pouring outside but it didn't matter to him. He enjoyed storms, they were his favorite things in the world.
Sitting there swinging for over two hours, he'd had nothing else to do. It was now about ten thirty. Most teenagers would be waking up about now. Lawson didn't care, he didn't have many friends. In fact, Lawson had no friends. He sat their swinging, looking up at the sky. The rain had stopped, but the sky was still overcast. Looking up at the sky for about thirty minutes. Now it was eleven o'clock. 'What a way to spend my Saturday.' Lawson thought. It wasn't enough that he couldn't sleep through the night, but he had to spend the whole day alone. His parents were out of town, they were all the way in America for three weeks. This was his first day of winter holiday. It wasn't too cold out, but he did have on his favorite jacket.
Finally Lawson got up. He was done swinging. Starting to wander around his neighborhood, walking the streets idley. He had nothing else to do. Sixteen years old, no car or job. He was a total loner, it was different when he was younger. Lawson used to be the most popular kid in grade school and junior high school. Something changed when he went to High School, he just didn't want that pressure any longer. Having other priorities, he left the popular group and became a loner. Lawson still had many aquantiances, but no good friends.
"Might as well go home," Lawson sighed as he walked down his road toward his house.
Thunder began to crack once more. His head drifted upwards, looking at the sky. Again, the fimilar sound of thunder was heard. The storm was incredibly close for the thunder to be that constant. It was odd, the sky seemed very black for it to be the middle of the day. Lawson shrugged as he continued toward his house. Half way up his drive way, a bolt of lightning struck right infront of Lawson. He was incredibly scared. Turning tail, running toward the city. He could ride around on the trains all day, that would be better than being near his lightning road of a house.
It took him about fifteen minutes to get to the city. Walking down the stairs slowly, for he was very out of breath. Buying a ticket, he walked through the gate and got onto the elevator. Something was strange, the station was almost empty. Leaning back against the wall, going deeper and deeper toward the right terminal. His bright green eyes staring at the door. Lawson was good looking for his age, he had never had trouble getting a girlfriend when he was popular. He was built, about six feet tall, chesnut brown hair, lightly tanned skin, and of course his bright green eyes. Everyone noticed his eyes, they were often mistook for contacts, but Lawson's sight was perfect. He never wore glasses a day in his life. The elevator chimed to let him know that he was on the correct floor, he didn't even check to see what floor it was on.
Stepping out of the elevator, the doors slid shut behind him. He'd never seen this floor before, there were many colorful trains. Walking toward a silver one, he walked on. He sat down slowly, relaxing. 'This will be relaxing,' Lawson thought to himself. Leaning his head back over the top of the seat, something began to glow over his head. One of Lawson's eyebrows raised. 'What the..?" Thinking to himself once again. Lawson reached up to grab the glowing object and brought it back down to his lap. After about thirty seconds the glowing died down to reveal a dark gray, silver, and black device. He'd never seen anything like this before.
"What is this thing?" Lawson questioned himself outloud.
No one else was on the train, it wasn't like they would think he was crazy for talking to himself. Lawson hadn't even seen a conductor. Sitting in his seat, staring at the device for the rest of the ride. The train slowed down, and Lawson looked out the window.
"Where am I?" He questioned again.
Lawson had never seen this train station. This didn't look like any of the train stations in London. It looked like it was a different demention completely. The floor was white, there was a black cover over the top of the train station, no walls. Around the train station was a city that he'd never seen before. The doors slid open and Lawson walked out. Scratching his head he looked around. Lawson had obviously gotten on the wrong train. The train began to back up, the steam and smoke comming out of the top. Lawson could have sworn that the train bid him adieu. This was a strange place, and Lawson seemed to have gotten himself into deep trouble.
Exploring the train station then slowly around the city. Strange creatures were all around, he didn't see another human. Little monsters were running the shops and resturantes. Lawson stopped in a pizza place, and walked up to the counter.
"Excuse me," Lawson asked.
A monster that looked rather like a chef. He had on a white chef's hat, had tan skin, red gloves on, red boots on, and a big black mustache.
"How can I help you sir?" Replied the monster.
"Could you tell me where I am?" Lawson questioned.
"Why you're in the Digital World's biggest city, Digi City" Replied the monster.
"The Digital World," Lawson sighed. "Well how do I get out?"
"I've not seen a human here in a while, so I wouldn't know sir." Replied the monster.
"So what are you?" Continueing to interogate the monster.
"I'm Chefmon, a digimon." replied the monster.
"Digimon..right...thanks very much." Lawson nodded to him, and pulled the device from his pocket.
Chefmon's eyes grew large when he saw the device. It could have been a diamond the way that Chefmon was looking at it. The device just sat in Lawson's hand.
"Could you please tell me what this is?" Lawson questioned.
"Why that's a digivice sir. A D-tector." Chefmon replied.
"And it does what?" Asked Lawson.
"I've only heard rumors sir, I couldn't tell you exactly." Sighed Chefmon.
"Well thank you for all of your help." Lawson waved and walked out.
Wandering around throughout the city, Lawson found bits and peices of information about his d-tector. Learning about human teenagers that were in his position in the past. Some of the teenagers even had the d-tectors. In the past they had to find their spirits and defeat Cherubimon. Lawson hadn't found anything about what he was supposed to do while he was in the Digital World or how to get out. Lawson's feet grew tired eventually, so Lawson walked over to a bench on the side walk. Digimon walked behind him, pointing and staring. Humans weren't very common in the Digital World, and when they were here it meant something bad was happening. One odd looking digimon walked by Lawson. Its eyes bulged when it saw him. It looked as though it was a little white teddy bear, but it had a blue band around its stomache. Running around to the other side of the bench, it sat down next to Lawson.
"Hallo." said the Digimon.
"Hi. Need something?" Lawson asked, not trying to sound rude.
"Yes, I think I can help you." Replied the digimon with a big smile on his face.
"Hows that?" yawned Lawson.
"Well my brother helped the last Digidestined, so now its my turn to help." Continued the digimon.
"Oh, well what's your name?" Lawson said, becomming interested.
"My name is Scrolemon." Replied the digimon.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Lawson." Said Lawson, smiling.
"Come back to my house, we'll pick up some things then be off on your journey." said Scrolemon.
Lawson nodded and stood up. Scrolemon had already jumped off of the bench and was walking toward his home. Hurrying to catch up, he ran next to the digimon. They chatted mere conversation about Lawson's old home on the way. Now Lawson had someone who knew what he was here for. This was going to be better.

[Guest Memaki]

ok i read the story and it is really good. you need to put the other parts up. i will be looking for them.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]No, there's no boycott against your fics, that I know of. However, it's very hard to read fics if they're all clumped together. You should try to put an entire line between paragraphs, and even then, I find it hard if the font is big.

And even if no one's posting, please, don't double post. It [i]is[/i] against the rules. Next time no one posts, please, just PM me, and I'll go look at it. It's much easier, and it negates the need to double post. Besides, I'm happy to look at new work.

[i]The moon's gentle beams drifted through a window splashing against a boy about sixteen laying in a bed sleeping. [/i]Without a comma here, it reads that the window is splashing against a boy. You probably just forgot the comma, so here's a head's up.


[i]The window was open, allowing a small breeze to blow through the window. Dark clouds drifted against the night sky, slowly beginning to cover the moon. Small sounds of distant thunder quaked throughout the city.[/i] I love these lines, especially the last one. The word quaked seems so apt.

[i]The boy turned over in his bed, opening his eyes slowly. His hand slid from his side up to his face, rubbing his eyes. Folding the sheets over him and sliding out of bed, he stumbles toward the window.[/i] Do you need to go into that much detail? Could you say instead something like 'He rubs his eyes, then slides out of bed.' Be careful, too, of tense. You're writing in present tense, so be sure that you don't slip out of it to the usual past tense.

[i][color=red]Squinting[/color] as he looks up at the sky, the moon had not been covered completely.[/i] This sentence doesn't read very well. Perhaps if you just change it to 'He looks to the sky; the moon had not yet been completely covered.'

[i]Sighing as he closed the window, he turned around while scratching his head.
"Another storm, great."
He grumbled as he went to lay in bed once again.[/i] The dialogue is good. It gives a background, tell us that the storm isn't unusual. However, you go into too much detail again. Most writers say the number one rule is [i]Show, not tell.[/i] You can leave out some information. For instance, the reader doesn't need to be told that he turned around.

I'm not going to go through the rest bit by bit and pick it apart, because it doesn't need to be. It's a good story, and you only really make two mistakes; the tense changes at times, and sometimes you give too much information. Just remember: [i]He walked towards the door, got to the doorframe, went through the door, and went into the kitchen[/i] can be described as easily as [i]He entered the kitchen[/i].

This is a very good story, and I like it. You should continue. But next time, please, leave a line between paragraphs. Unfortunately, there is no tab indents on OB, so we need to see something to space them out.

^_^ Well done. Cheers.

Asphy.[/size]