A situation both unique and familiar

[RioLaskand]

Greetings OB people! I have read many threads about people helping others with relationship help, and I have been brooding over this issue over many a time, so I think I'll just let it fly.

There is a girl. Let's call her Kelsey, that I met during a summer theater program. It took a while, but gradually we became friends, and hung out a lot backstage. The little monkeywrench in this was that I had a girlfriend at the time. I really did like Kelsey, but I was still dating my gf at the time. The theater thing ended, and we left our contact info with each other. I gave her a hug and that was that.

Things eventually fizzled out with my girlfriend, and I got back into the swing of things. The Homecoming dance came up, and I decided to call Kelsey and ask her if she would be interested in coming. Keep in mind that we had not talked very much over the time, about 2 months. We talked on AIM when she was on and I was on, but not much besides that.

Anywho, I called her up, and asked her if she wanted to be my date to homecoming. She then uttered four very painful words,

"I have a boyfriend,"

Ouch...

So I didn't go to homecoming with her, I figured that this was bad timing, and maybe in another life the date would've worked, and maybe we would see each other again, and then...I don't know.

But it seems fate is not without a sense of irony.

About two weeks after Homecoming, about three weeks after I had talked to her, I went to the Relay for Life. Basically it's a cancer walk that goes from 11AM on Saturday to 11AM on Sunday. So as I am getting settled in with my team, who should I see but Kelsey, walking up with camping stuff in her hands. I give her a big hug, help her find her site, and then go home to get some stuff. I figure that today will be a very good day. I will be able to hang out with Kelsey, and just catch up, and we will have fun.

I come back and she is walking, same as always, but her hand is occupied by another. I spent the day trying to avoid them because it just hurt me so much, and I don't even know why. I had prior knowledge of this, but it still hurt all the same. I guess I had never known how much I cared for her.

Night fell, and the luminaires, which were put out around the track to symbolize all those who were lost in cancer, glowed peacefully. Kelsey found me. She asked me to take a walk. She talked about how she saw her friend's dad's luminaire, and a couple other people she knew, and it was too much for her. She found me because she said I was one of the only people she trusted enough to cry in front of. I gave her a big hug, and she cried as we walked. It was okay, though, because I think that she felt a lot better afterwards. We then walked around for 2 hours, just talking about small things, nothing really big, nothing truly deep, but just walking with her, seeing her next to me, and listening to her felt so right! It's unexplainable, but the night was peaceful, and it was just perfect.

We then hung out at her campsite for a while, played twister, stuff like that. Someone had stolen her seat, and I offered her a seat on my lap, which she surprisingly accepted. We hung out and walked for a while longer until about 4AM, and then she stayed in her tent, I went to mine, and nothing more was said.

I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened at Relay, so I called her up a week later, and told her how I felt. I knew she had a boyfriend, but I wanted her to feel how I felt, and I wanted to know how she felt. She told me that she did have a boyfriend, but that she had really liked me during the show, and when she had heard that I had broken up with my gf she was almost happy, but she felt bad about that. She also said that she had a wonderful time at Relay as well. I told her this.

"I know that you have a boyfriend, but if there was any chance that we could have something in the future, be it near or far, I would wait, because you are way too amazing to forget about,"

She was pretty speechless about that,but we still talked. We talked about some things, and she mentioned her boyfriend a couple of times. It seemed strange. She seemed to be talking about him as if he were a bad cold. She had done the same when I had asked her to homecoming, like he was an excuse. I didn't say anything out loud about that, but said if she wanted to talk to me about anything or anyone, she could always call.

From then, which was about October sometime, to now, I was trying to see her again, but again the fates decided to throw a carrot in a string for me. I was going to see her one day, but her mother wouldn't let her go. I was going to see her another day, but she felt funny about seeing me because her boyfriend had just gotten in a car accident. This made me step back a bit. Was I trying to break them up? Well obviously some part of my mind would want that, but that would cause Kelsey pain, and I just want her to be happy. The last thing I want is for her to be hurt.

So I backed of for a while. I probably was being to hasty, and I did not want to be hasty about anything, especially a situation as soap opera-like as this. This changed when my brother came home from college. My brother is good friends with Kelsey. In fact, he is the way we met each other. I was originally going to see her afterschool the first day of Thanksgiving break. Me and my bro would bike down and see her and a bunch of other people. She got sick, and couldn't come. Then, we were going to go to her house and see her on two days later. My bro came home too late from a friend's house. On Saturday, she was going to come on a walk with us. My mom decided that I wasn't allowed to see her if she was sick, because she might have the flu.

At this time I was very mad, because I had almost seen her three times, and would probably not see her at all now. My brother gave me a way to see her, and I did see her.

Oh how wonderful life feels when you are enthralled with someone inside and out. The feeling of just seeing her again was enough, and we didn't go anywhere, do anything, we just sat on her deck and talked. But that was so much more that it was euphoric. No words can describe the pure unaldultered happiness that I felt from just us two, standing on a porch, being. We didn't even have to talk.

So now I am still completely in turmoil. I am enraptured by this girl. Her playfulness, sweetness, focus, deep hazel eyes, ebony hair, quiet but sincere smile. But she still has a boyfriend. So I am still lost. If you guys have any suggestions, comments, anything, then it would make all the difference. Thanks for listening

[Guest Bloodsin]

Forget the girl. There is no such thing as "love". It's just a human flaw.
Go out and watch some bloody anime, take a cold shower, and forget it.

That's my advice.

[Haruhara Haruko]

I really don't know what to tell you.I mean she does have a boyfriend,but it is not like you can just stop caring about her untill she doesn't. Bloodsin has a point. Love is our strengh and weakness.I think the only thing you can really do is wait. There isn't much more you could do besides being her friend for now. Hoped that helped.

[Zen]

[B][SIZE=1]Bloodsin, you wouldn't understand this if thats your attitude. You need to lighten up and be a little more optomistic.

Now, Rio, this is a very good story and I have been in a similiar situation before. I suggest that you keep into content with her. Be her freind. Since she knows how you feel, she probably knows that you want her to break up with her boyfreind. She might be holding onto him because of guilt, due to the car accedent. I have doen something like that too. Let things play out, be her freind, and hope for the best, thats all I can say.[/B][/SIZE]

[wrist cutter]

Somehow get her boyfriend in a coma, by whatever means necessary. Go visit him in the hospital, where his girlfriend will undoubtedly be. Women are incredibly turned on with the idea of cheating on their boyfriends while they're in a coma, so that's when you swoop in.

Either that or watch Seinfeld. Best relationship advice you'll ever get, I'll guarantee you.

[RioLaskand]

The problem with the whole coma thing is that I would not be able to do that, WC. I have these damn little things in my head called morals. And Kelsey would also not cheat on her boyfriend while he was in a coma. That would probably be the same as the whole car crash thing.

And Double B, I don't think that she is holding onto him because of the car accident. I never thought of that, but I think that if she was going to break up with him, she probably would've done it. I think that this is the whole thing that he asked her out (I am a sophomore in high school, although I don't believe in the whole "asking out" idea. I think it sounds like asking someone to marry you) and she felt that she should say yes. Also, a good friend of hers is dating a good friend of his. Connection? mayhaps.

The one thing I would be afraid of is that he is a senior. She is a sophomore. I would be afraid that he is trying to pull a Sail-and-bail. Not cool. Although from what I have heard about the guy he probably won't, but that could always be a possibility.

Gotta love the Shojo manga that is Rio's high school life ;)

[Dan L]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Bloodsin [/i]
[B]Forget the girl. There is no such thing as "love". It's just a human flaw.
Go out and watch some bloody anime, take a cold shower, and forget it.

That's my advice. [/B][/QUOTE]

That's not advice; that's the words of a fool trying to sound smart, which in these days is defined as "the idea that nothing is real that is human".

How do you really define something that is real? Everything you see is what you see. Thus everything is affected by this human flaw, and nothing truly exists.

Nihilism is not wisdom but yet another human flaw. Though it attempts to see humanness as nothingness it does so from within the very thing it defines as nothing.

Some believe we are everything- others that we count for nothing. In fact of the two extremes neither is right, but balance is necessary. Big egos are unproductive; but denying our own humanness to be of worth is equally so.

Rio- it's a fine line you tread. Things are going well right now but it's far too easy to become too excited thinking "she's the one for me" or to become pessimistic and depressed thinking that she's not.

One thing I can tell you is that any relationship, between friends or more, is full of instability. Random things happen. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. Don't be too phased by the bad, and don't be too uplifted by the good. I'm not saying to feel no emotion- but know the limits where it becomes unproductive.

Spend time with other people as well, otherwise if things don't work out in the end you'll find that you've drifted away from your friends-- even if that's not the case right now. Acts of faith are all well and good, but humans are not to be relied upon as though they were perfect, so it's not recommendable to put all your trust in any one person.

Other than that I haven't got a lot of advice to give.

[Guest Bloodsin]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Dan L [/i]
[B]That's not advice; that's the words of a fool trying to sound smart, which in these days is defined as "the idea that nothing is real that is human".

How do you really define something that is real? Everything you see is what you see. Thus everything is affected by this human flaw, and nothing truly exists.

Nihilism is not wisdom but yet another human flaw. Though it attempts to see humanness as nothingness it does so from within the very thing it defines as nothing.

Some believe we are everything- others that we count for nothing. In fact of the two extremes neither is right, but balance is necessary. Big egos are unproductive; but denying our own humanness to be of worth is equally so.[/B][/QUOTE]
No. That's nonsence.
Nihilism acknowledges that everything is nothing. The basis on which is nothingness, therefore fulfilling the empty doctrine.

But I guess it's easy to slap a stereotypic label on a person and condescend them on what they have not stated.
All the while calling people a "fool" as you post as a hypocrite.

I never stated I believed in the Nihilism doctrine, and I don't.
Your surmen was as long as it was pointless.


I've had many friends that were in "love".
And I've seen them ripped appart over money and nothing.
That's why I find it wise not to get involved

[AnonymousSource]

I've been in a situation like that before...just be a good friend to her...almost nothing lasts forever...either she will break up with her boyfriend after a while...or you'll lose interest and find someone else...both have happened to me...don't rush anything and be the best friend you can be to her...it'll pay off somehow

[island gurl]

Wow. Ypu should submit that story to a soap opera or write a book about it. It was an amazing stroy now joke. Ok that's probably not something you wanted to hear. Anyway. At the moment I think all you can do is just be there for her. She obviously still likes you but has some issues to deal with at the moment. The fact that she is closer to you than her boyfriend is an obvious point that you are doing your best and she appreciates your understanding. What will be will be. Sit tight. I'm thinking of you.

And all those pessimists who rave on about how love isn't true and he should just forget about it, I think you should keep those opinions to yourself because all that he needs right now is support, although you all make good points.

[James]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Bloodsin [/i]
[B]
But I guess it's easy to slap a stereotypic label on a person and condescend them on what they have not stated.
[/B][/QUOTE]

[color=#707875]Unfortunately, your original post was so dismissive and [i]un[/i]helpful, that it both appeared highly stereotypical [i]and[/i] probably begged for someone to point that out to you.

So, I guess it's a case of being responsible for your words. Or, knowing that if you make a comment, it will be reacted to.

As for RioLaskand, I know how you must feel. It is truly awful to be in love -- to be able to spend time with that person -- and not actually pursue a relationship.

In terms of Kelsey...I think that you have a choice. Unfortunately it's not an easy choice. You can either stay as her friend and leave things that way (thus enjoying what company you do get, regardless of whether or not she wants a relationship), or you can end your relationship with her altogether, if it becomes too painful.

It seems as though Kelsey likes you too...and she is voicing some dissatisfcation with her boyfriend. Perhaps that relationship won't last. Who knows.

Either way, I think it would be difficult to bank on that. It would be difficult to be her friend and to hang around, hoping that things will change.

You have to be prepared for the fact that they might not. As hard as it is, you have to contemplate the idea of being her friend and her friend only. Maybe having just a little of her time is better than having none at all.[/color]

[Guest Bloodsin]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by James [/i]
[B][color=#707875]Unfortunately, your original post was so dismissive and [i]un[/i]helpful, that it both appeared highly stereotypical [i]and[/i] probably begged for someone to point that out to you.

So, I guess it's a case of being responsible for your words. Or, knowing that if you make a comment, it will be reacted to. [/color] [/B][/QUOTE]
That statement is vague enough to apply to everyone who has ever been quoted.

As for my statement being "unhelpful" and "stereotypical".
Advice was requested, and I merely provided what I had learned from past experiences.
Perhaps I'll sugarcoat my posts from now on. And tell people what they want to hear.
However, Ive got to hand it to you people, it's been a long time since I last had a debate such as this.
I think I'll enjoy my time here...

Rio.
Don't procrastinate.
Come out and say what you feel.
Otherwise you'll miss what could be your only chance.

[RioLaskand]

Wow. I never expected such a response from everyone. I really appreciate this.

Also, I accepted Bloodsin's ideas as his own, and while I did not heed them, I would rather you guys didn't fight. I mean why would you bash someone for expressing their opinion, however depressing and pessimistic it may be? I may just be a crusty young hippie, but feel the love guys. James, you have analyzed my situation better than anyone I have ever talked to, and I appreciate for that. Island girl, I have considered sending it into a shojo (girl) manga company, see if they can go with anything like that. More updates coming soon, so I would still love to hear from other people. Thanks all!

[James]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by RioLaskand [/i]
[B]

I would rather you guys didn't fight. I mean why would you bash someone for expressing their opinion, however depressing and pessimistic it may be? [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=#707875]Nobody is fighting. I am simply telling Bloodsin that if he is going to express an idea, others will respond to it. I'm not questioning the validity of his opinions to himself, I'm merely saying that his input doesn't provide any assistance for you whatsoever. So, I'm just telling it like it is. Whenever you post here or anywhere else, you should be aware that you're going to be responded to by [i]someone[/i]. I'm just telling Bloodsin that he shouldn't rear up when someone does choose to respond. They're within their right to, as much as he is.

Anyway, I'm glad that these responses have helped you. I hope that your situation improves.[/color]

[quote][i]Originally posted by Bloodsin:[/i][b]
That statement is vague enough to apply to everyone who has ever been quoted.
[/b][/quote]

[color=#707875]I'm sure it could be applied to plenty of people. And that's obviously why I said it. If you post something -- especially something that isn't constructive -- people will probably make a comment about that somewhere along the line. That's all I'm saying. Cool your heels, junior.[/color]

[Baron Samedi]

My god. How... nice. That is incredibly sad but also really nice... I think that you should just wait it out. Cutting in on another guys girl while they're together is bad, but if they're split up, which it sounds like they iminently will be, then it's fine.

Eventually, it sounds like they'll be breaking up. Then she will turn to you, because she likes you. My advice is to wait it out. Back off a bit, but tell her that you'll be there when she needs you...just let it go and wait for her. She will come to you eventually.

[RioLaskand]

Hey guys! I figured you would want an update, and I want to tell the update, because I am really happy, but at the same time apprehensive.

After I saw her on Saturday, I wrote a poem about her, and put it in my profile. I like putting my poetry in my profile, but a small part of me wanted her to read it. She did, and asked me if it was about anyone. I asked her what she thought. She said yeah, and I said, "You are right, it's about you,"

When I saw her, she had on one of those rings that had a heart on one side, and a crown on the other. If the heart was turned outward, then that means that your heart was free, and vice versa. Her's was turned so the crown was up, and I had mentioned that in my poem. I told her that it was a very pretty ring, just wasn't turned the way that I would've liked.

She said, "It might be turned back very soon," She said that she was probably going to break up with her boyfriend because she realized that he is more of a friend than a boyfriend. I know that whether or not a break-up is mutual and easy, or one-sided and heart-wrenching, it's still hard, but I do want to see her again. So now the situation has changed in my favor, but I don't want to do anything that would rush anything, or pressure her, or anything like that.

Again, thank you all for posting, and advice, comments, E-mail addresses of local soap operas, anything like that would be great. Thanks again!

[James]

[color=#707875]It sounds like she might be realizing that she really likes you, instead of him. So, good luck to you. I'm crossing my fingers for you. ^_^[/color]

[Zen]

[B][SIZE=1]

Yep, she is finally relizing that you will be better to her and appreciate her more than the Boyfreind. Good luck, have faith, and like I said, hope for the best, which seems to be coming.

[/B][/SIZE]

[Justin]

[i]Stay away from poetry[/i]. Just [i]stay away[/i]. No matter how much they seem to appreciate it, just stay away from it.

No, actually. Do what you will with poetry.

If I were you, I'd hang on to what you have. Bide your time, play your cards as they fall, and try not to explode.

-Justin

[RioLaskand]

Hey guys! I know I haven't written in a long time, well that's because things haven't really happened a lot in a while. I figure I'll give you guys an update;

Kelsey broke up with her boyfriend. She told me later that while it was because she saw him as more of a friend than a boyfriend, another reason was that it wasn't fair to him because she kept coming back to me. That's the good part. Since then, ya know the usual awkward ******** that precedes anything. Also, I don't know if I have been trying too hard too soon. I don't really know what to do about that, but I guess that you really never know as far as relationships go.

Now is the bad news; I saw her on Friday, which is kind of weird because I was supposed to go to a dance, and she was supposed to be grounded. Hmmm. Well we ended up going to the same play at her school, and I saw her there. She was talking with one of our friend's and what I got from it was that her ex had been cheating on her while they were dating.

She took it hard, although she didn't really let people see it. I saw it in her eyes, and she said, "It just kinda makes me think that I'm not good enough," And that just hit me hard. I have felt awful all week, and I don't think I should call her because I want to leave her be on the issue, but at the same time I have had something similar happen to me, and all of that which I wished to forget flushed back into me when she looked at me with those eyes. They just got me, and I have been tearing apart my brain all weekend, and I don't know what to do. Anything from anyone would be great. Ja ne

[Guest Crimson Spider]

First: Make sure she's telling the truth.

Second: Go for it.


BTW: Love has it's own personal section of the brain which love, and ONLY love comes from. Not lust, or infatuation. These two little centers in the brain are only active during 2 things:

1: you are in love.
2: you are sniffing cocain.

No wonder why the stuff is so addictive.