Writing My one and only poem

[MissWem]

Hey all..

I'm looking for some criticism since I want to send this off to my boy-friend and I'm incredibly self-conscious about my work. And before I forget, I could really use some ideas for a title..but come to think of it, I'm kinda worried about what he may say.

So criticize away, if you have something to say, you don't have to go easy on me.
---------------------------------------
There's a swirl of thoughts through my head,
As I breathe uneasily.
Truthful honesty I want to say, go unsaid,
Shaking my head, I sigh wistfully.

I existed...so that was that.

My life I never wanted,
My mind had given up,
My hurt heart hated,
Yet I held on for no purpose.

When survival was too much...

I had wished how we lived,
For it all to end.
I had wished for that knife,
To lend me an edge.

I've held it to my skin,
Awed by it's sharp rough edge.
I've willed it a river,
Willed til I bled.

I never felt the sting of blood
That runs in my veins,
I slowly released that pain
That coursed through my head.

I had been changed...

The sweet smile,
The intense eyes,
Something to look for.

The honest words,
The silly laughter,
Something to listen for.

The gentle hands,
The spikey hair,
Something to feel for.

The squishy tongue,
The loving lips,
Something to taste for.

The mild aroma,
The regular breeze,
Something to breathe for.

Something to go on for...

You became my reason:
To smile for real,
To laugh if it's funny,
To inhale air again,
When I lie deathly alone.

Your unhappiness
makes me sad.
Your distaste for life
makes me give up.

You have my support,
You have my care,
You have my devotion,
You have my commitment.

You became my reason;
Forgetting the pain,
Erasing that past,
Fearing the future
only to live for it.
------------------------------------------------

By the way thanks for your time.

[Amity]

I like your poem. It isdeep and may effect some whom read it, but in my opinion I think it is a good poem. Nice work. If you want to you can check out my poems. They're not all that good, so say what you have to say...

[MissWem]

Affecting...yeah, that's why I'm concerned about my bf reading it.

However is this poem really so strange as for people to read it and not have anything to say? *sigh* where are all the critics when you need them...

I'm having second thought on the last two lines though, they sound rather....used, can't think how to change it though.

[Hakira]

It's very good. I'm not a critic but I say it is very emotional. I would post a few of my poems but unfortunately I lost alot of them during my 'blank" period. Meaning I was being absent minded and put them all together and lost 'em. I thought I was being organized..*sigh*

Oh well, very good poem and hope to read more by you!