wiccansamurai Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 Yes, I did post this earlier, but no one responded so I deleted it and now I'm posting it again. I want [I]some[/I] critique on this. Please? (Now I sound like I'm begging) The Neighborhood Houses pass by the dirty car window, and the girl begins to wonder Why do the houses stand so? The front of the neighborhood is strong and clean Unlived in but nice to be seen. New and white, their owners proud This part of the neighborhood just isn?t very loud. The car moves on to the back. Houses gritty but they do not lack They have owners Been there a while No longer caring about architecture and style Sure, they?re old but they are still Good for shelter, They keep out any chill The girl sits and stares Her lips curve Its no longer masked. Age is nicer to observe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patronus Posted January 4, 2004 Share Posted January 4, 2004 [size=1][color=darkred]It's good, but you're missing... plot. It really doesn't have [b]one[/b] main thing, other than the Neighborhood. The ending really bothers me, as it has nothing to do with the rest of the poem.[/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiccansamurai Posted January 4, 2004 Author Share Posted January 4, 2004 Umm, what do you mean the ending has nothing to do with the poem? The ending... is what the whole poem is about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Negotiator Posted January 4, 2004 Share Posted January 4, 2004 I think that rules keep em' coming Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TheFameof_Dying Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 Well. It was nice but the rhyming scheme lacked, in that it was neither Reliable nor sparatic. In fact you might call it erratic. Some parts rhyme and others just don't make sense, Also the topic is rather boring, It seems as though the poem is about exactly what it sounds that it is about, I know it's confusing, But I think you should give your poems, as negotiator calls it, Ambiguous meaning. And at the same time, make people think really hard about what it was about while they are reading it, Not after. The end was excellent, BUT it was abrupt. The ending did not match the poem; it seemed like your forgot to type some between the ending and the verse before it. You are a GOOD poet, but I have looked at some of your posts, and frankly you are very critical in an unneeded way. My advice is that if you critique someone, What ever you told someone was wrong with his or her poem, Do it. Write your own poem, about the exact same subject, and if you can't do it right yourself, Think about your critique. By the way, I'm trying hard, but I have never been a good speller, So you don't have to comment about it. And on an unhappy note about my poem the art of dying, I wanted a critique on my poem, but you have no right to critique other people?s replies. Especially if they are critiques. I'm sorry if you have never written a critique with only one capital and misspelled words. Maybe your just perfect, but how do you think that would make the negotiator feel? Perhaps that part of your reply could have been in a PM to him. I might have put this in one, but I already PM'ed you and your not online. Well, I hope I helped, and didn't offend or hurt you. Best wishes -------Fame Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiccansamurai Posted January 5, 2004 Author Share Posted January 5, 2004 [QUOTE]Well. It was nice but the rhyming scheme lacked, in that it was neither Reliable nor sparatic. In fact you might call it erratic. Some parts rhyme and others just don't make sense, [/QUOTE] Sparatic? Do you mean sporadic? Sorry, I'm just confused. Anyway, I had a rymhe scheme that was pretty much ABCBDEFE and so on, so it wasn't unreliable at all. What parts don't make sense? No one is being really specific in their critiques. [QUOTE]Also the topic is rather boring, It seems as though the poem is about exactly what it sounds that it is about, I know it's confusing, But I think you should give your poems, as negotiator calls it, Ambiguous meaning. And at the same time, make people think really hard about what it was about while they are reading it, Not after. [/QUOTE] But I like to put the whole thing in the end, its my style with this particular poem. [QUOTE]frankly you are very critical in an unneeded way. [/QUOTE] In the words of someone I deeply respect from another forums "I give no pats!" [QUOTE]My advice is that if you critique someone, What ever you told someone was wrong with his or her poem, Do it. Write your own poem, about the exact same subject, and if you can't do it right yourself, Think about your critique. [/QUOTE] I can't just make myself write. It has to come from somewhere, as I said, I'm a complete romantic. I do think about my critiques, that's why they're helpful. I give no pats on the back. I read through what I read, see what I think is wrong, point it out. That's what people put up their work here for. To hear our opinions. [QUOTE]By the way, I'm trying hard, but I have never been a good speller, So you don't have to comment about it. [/QUOTE] Thats what critiquing is for ^.^ [QUOTE]but you have no right to critique other people?s replies. Especially if they are critiques. [/QUOTE] But part of the charm of this place is its nice posting quality! And I was just surprised he posted about how nice your grammar was in a post like that. Why don't you comment on this there, not here? [QUOTE]Well, I hope I helped, and didn't offend or hurt you.[/QUOTE] I give no pats, so why should you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TheFameof_Dying Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 I give no pats, I am just picky, If the poem was just okay, or just pretty good, Then I give big patts with lots of advice. If thepoem was terrible and i thought it truely sucked, Then I would do my best to let the poet knoe just how crappy they are. And(i dont know how to do quotes yet) qoute"But part of the charm of this place is its nice posting quality! And I was just surprised he posted about how nice your grammar was in a post like that. Why don't you comment on this there, not here?" Because I'm lazy, And I didn't think you would go back to something you already replied to and look at it. And I'm lazy. You can't just make yourself write????? Well its an odd concept to me but whatever. By the way, I fed my reply through the spellchecker so I don't know why it didn't catch sparadicly and change it to sporaticly, Is that reajjy the correct spelling? well, I am about to go eat my TV dinner, so TTFN -------Fame *pat*, *Pat*, *Pat* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiccansamurai Posted January 5, 2004 Author Share Posted January 5, 2004 I can't make myself write because there has to be some kind of emotion there first. I'm picky because I care. ^.^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Negotiator Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 Like many say if you have nothing good to say dont say anything at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patronus Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by wiccansamurai [/i] [B]Umm, what do you mean the ending has nothing to do with the poem? The ending... is what the whole poem is about. [/B][/QUOTE] [size=1][color=darkred]No, the poem is about the houses in a neighborhood. Or that's how you wrote it to be. In the ending, it just totally changes.[/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiccansamurai Posted January 5, 2004 Author Share Posted January 5, 2004 Well the whole poem is about the girl noticing the differences in the ages of the houses, and then coming to the revelation at the end. [QUOTE]Like many say if you have nothing good to say dont say anything at all.[/QUOTE] Awww, but that completely takes away the point of critique! And such short replies aren't really liked.... Well, anyway, thanks for reading my poem, all. :freak: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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