Writing Do You Think She Knows?

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]I'm actually looking for some help for this piece. What I [i]want[/i] to do is switch to a different scene with a different character, and this character is also answering the door. I'm just a bit worried that a) the reader will get confused, and b) that I'll never get back to the scene.

Basically, I want this story to be with three different main characters. They don't know each other, but at the end the story will link them all together. And where one scene ends, the other begins, but with a different cast and set (if you want to put it like that)...does that make sense?

Anyway, I'd really like your opinion on this piece, because I'm not at all confident that I've done the right thing here.

EDIT: Heh. Thanks. I accidentally pasted it twice, and while I got the end part, I forgot to catch the beginning. And a good point about the birthday. I'd actually changed her age to 24, but I didn't change it in the story, hee. ^_^"


[center]___________________[/center]

[b]Do You Think She Knows? [Scene One][/b]

?Do you think she knows??

The five year old looked toward the woman in question, in this case their mother. She was hanging out the weekly washing and battling the wind at the same time. It was unseasonably windy for summer, and the hot breeze did nothing to alleviate the sweltering Australian temperatures.

?Nah,? replied his brother, Tom. ?I don?t reckon she has a clue.? He swiped their hair away from his face in an absent gesture, one typical of his personality. His hair was a nondescript brown, thick enough to stick in every direction. His face was sweat streaked and flushed. His eyes followed the figure of his mother.

?You reckon we should go out and help her?? Jake?s brown eyes left his mother for a minute to glance at Tom. He was nothing like his brother; as different as two brothers could be. His hair was a golden blonde and his skin was pale and prone to freckle where Tom?s would tan. For that reason, neither was allowed outside in the hottest time of day; the reason for their current confinement.

Jake sighed and went to the bottom bed in the bunk beds, looking at the present wrapped in gaudy yellow, purple, orange and red wrapping paper. He didn?t worry about the paper, because after all, Tom had said that they were their mother?s favourite colours. The two-year difference between the boys had established a firm pecking order, in which Tom was always right, and Jake followed his older brother.

?Nope. If we do, she?ll think something?s up. And she?ll wonder why we?ve been watching her.?

?Can?t we just give her the present now??

?No. Not until dinner. She wasn?t born until then. Grandma told me so.?

?When??

?When you were little.?

Tom?s superiority had been firmly re-established, and Jake just nodded and looked at the present again. They?d used some blue twine from the cupboard to ?make it pretty?, as Tom had put it. Tom had seen it used is a Christmas catalogue last year, and figured it would be easy to do. They?d tried to use glue, but it hadn?t worked very well, so they ended up snitching the sticky tape from their mother?s draw. The card had been from Tom?s birthday last year, but they?d crossed out the words, ?To My Beloved Son?, and written instead, ?To Mum.? Inside they?d signed their names.

?Come on, lets go see if it?s three o?clock yet.? Tom picked up a glass from the bedside table and walked into the kitchen, putting the glass with the rest of the dishes to be washed. He the smacked the screen door open and barged out to his mother.

The object of their prior attention turned and grinned at the two of them, taking in their flushed expressions and sweat-streaked hair. She was in much the same condition, still not used to the hot weather, despite living in the same town for all of her 24 years. Her hair was a bedraggled mess of blonde and brown; a mix that never seemed to be able to choose its colour. She was hot and sweating, and her shorts and tank top did nothing to help the heat. She?d just finished washing and hanging the linen. Her arms were laden with the washing basket and the peg bag was hanging around her neck.

She looked like a mess, she knew. But the wonderful thing about children was that they honestly didn?t seem to care. Perhaps in other families, but not her own. Appearances were nothing to her two boys.

?Mum,? Tom began in a singsong voice that could only mean he wanted something, ?Can we go outside and play yet??

Melinda checked her watch. It wasn?t time yet, but it was close enough that if they put sunscreen on, they?d be fine. She nodded at the boys, but added a proviso. ?Stay in the backyard, though. You can go out on the street tomorrow morning.?

The boys looked around the small yard, their faces disappointed. Melinda shrugged and tried to ignore the kick-the-dust expressions they wore. They couldn?t go off too far, because their beloved uncle Jack ? the only uncle they had ? was coming to tea for her birthday. It was supposed to be a surprise, though, so she maintained her stance despite their pleading. It was only when she went inside that they accepted her decision.

The kitchen window looked out onto the backyard, and Melinda ran the dishwater and watched the boys at the same time. The yard was too small to be able to ride bikes in, but they managed to amuse themselves with the swing set and the sandpit.

She wiped her hair off her face with the back of her hand in a gesture remarkably like that of her son?s. She wasn?t sure what time Jack would arrive, although hopefully it would be soon, or her sons? doleful expressions would soon get to her.

As if the thought had conjured him, the doorbell rang.[/size]

[Haze]

heh. I think the idea is a really good one. Sounds like, if you do it right, it will be very interesting. Perhaps if you added which character you are using at the beginning of each chapter or break. You know, like at the beginning of this chapter put 'Character A' right after the chapter title/number. Then once you are done with that characters point of view, switch to a new chapter or add in a break (and by break I mean like pushing enter 5 or 6 times), but don't forget to add in the character name. I hope that made sense.

I just have a problem with this part of the story. Goes a bit like this:
[QUOTE]?Do you think she knows??

The five year old looked toward the woman in question, in this case their mother. She was hanging out the weekly washing and battling the wind at the same time. It was unseasonably windy for summer, and the hot breeze did nothing to alleviate the sweltering Australian temperatures.

?Nah,? replied his brother, Tom. ?I don?t reckon she has a clue.? He swiped their hair away from his face in an absent gesture, one typical of his personality. His hair?Do you think she knows??

The five year old looked toward the woman in question, in this case their mother. She was hanging out the weekly washing and battling the wind at the same time. It was unseasonably windy for summer, and the hot breeze did nothing to alleviate the sweltering Australian temperatures.

?Nah,? replied his brother, Tom. ?I don?t reckon she has a clue.? He swiped their hair away from his face in an absent gesture, one typical of his personality. His hair was a nondescript brown, thick enough to stick in every direction. His face was sweat streaked and flushed. His eyes followed the figure of his mother.
[/QUOTE]

Do you see what I am talking about yet? It restarts itself. Almost as if you started and then forgot you did and started again. I'm sure you will fix it though. ^__^

I really like the descriptiveness that you employ. I can pretty much imagine the boys (although I would like to see a bit more of their descriptions, though not so much that it would take anything from the story. Maybe just how old they are and a couple of more things about their looks.) and the wrapped present. I love how you created the image of the present. It would be just like 2 little boys to wrap it like that. ^__^ Also you do a good job with the mother's description. You go into great detail without going of on a tangent or disrupting the flow of the story.

Just one question. How is it the mother's birthday if she only has "23-and-a-half years?" Would it not make it her half-birthday or something? Just checking. I hope to read more.

[Mimmsicle]

[COLOR=firebrick]I just want to point something out, before I praise you ~_^

[COLOR=indigo]"[i]Tom had seen it used is a Christmas catalogue last year[/i]"[/COLOR]
Do you mean "used [i]in[/i]" ?

[COLOR=indigo]"[i]He the smacked the screen door open and barged out to his mother.[/i]"[/COLOR]
I'm missing an "n"... I think...[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkblue]Those minor things aside, I think this is a really sweet and well written story.

I could barely notice the changes of perspective [size=1](from the boys to the mother and back)[/size], which provided a smooth flow to the piece.
The characters are described enough, I think it'd take away from the feeling of the story if you made them more outlined. But that's just me *shrug*

Vocabulary and grammar were top-notch, making the read even more pleasurable.

All in all, it's a really good piece and now all you have to do is post the rest ~_^

- Mimmi [/COLOR]

[Charles]

This is good so far. It could benefit from some revision, but you're on the right track. This piece especially shines in its characters most simplistic gestures. Keep in mind that my suggestions are my own only. My banter may be disagreeable on some occasions, but I'll try to do a good job.

The emphasis of Tom's superiority left me with mixed feelings. I just didn't detect an air of supremacy here. And, it is clear to me, with or without it being stressed in the narrative, that these two boys share a relationship typical of siblings because it's apparent in the dialogue. Plus, we see that Tom is the director of this plan in the following sentences. Because of that, I didn't find it necessary for the situation to be hammered home.

I also find it interesting that you begin to call their mother by her name once the perspective shifts. She seems heavily concerned with appearance, as opposed to her children. Perhaps because she's a young woman, she doesn't see herself as a mother?

You suggest an interesting scenario there.

Now here are some specific suggestions.

[quote][b]The five year old looked toward[strike] the woman in question, in this case[/strike] their mother. She was hanging out the weekly washing and battling the wind at the same time. It was unseasonably windy for summer, and the hot breeze did nothing to alleviate the sweltering Australian temperatures. [/b][/quote]

This is a very nice paragraph, A. As you can see, I only want to fuss about one minor detail. Obviously, I don't think you need "the woman in question" here. I mean, we know she's in question. And, through the five-year old's eyes, she's not really "the woman in question." She's just "mom." That's the way young children think. If she were a stranger, it'd be appropriate. But, the relationship between these characters seems intimate.

Thus, the phrase comes off sounding a bit out of place and superfluous. I think it'd be more endearing to simply say "The five-year old looked outside at his mother who was hanging out the weekly washing and battling the wind at the same time."

Other than that problem, paragraph is simply gorgeous. I'm immediately "there." Very nice.

[quote][b]They?d used some blue twine from the cupboard to ?make it pretty?, as Tom had put it. Tom had seen it used is a Christmas catalogue last year, and figured it would be easy to do. They?d tried to use glue, but it hadn?t worked very well, so they ended up snitching the sticky tape from their mother?s draw. The card had been from Tom?s birthday last year, but they?d crossed out the words, ?To My Beloved Son?, and written instead, ?To Mum.? Inside they?d signed their names. [/b][/quote]

This part sounds genuine and I'm fond of it. The description of the present is wonderful. The childish innocence behind their little "adventure," if you will, shines through effortlessly.

[quote[b]He [strike]the[/strike] smacked the screen door open and barged out to his mother.[/b][/quote]

Just a small typo. I'm not even sure you need the "then" in there, either.

[quote][b]The object of their prior attention turned and grinned at the two of them, taking in their flushed expressions and sweat-streaked hair.[/b][/quote]

I don't think you should label her as an object; it's obvious she's much more than that to them. ~_^

I've already told you my other suggestion regarding the rest of this excerpt, so I'll spare you the redundancy.

From this point forward, it becomes apparent, that the perspective shifts and I know that that's what you were going for. I didn't find it confusing. ^_^

Splendid job so far.