Bullet Theory Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 this isnt a poem. its more like a song. so here goes: Why? Verse 1- It was such a short time not lasting even a week you said u loved me i guess the love was fake chorus- why? why did u go and leave me all alone out in the cold barely holding on to wat we used to b? (repeat) verse 2- the reasons u gave were only excuses excuses ive heard too many times b4 i cant believe u couldnt trust me it doesnt matter nemore (chorus) Verse 3- Well its over now nothing left to say This changes everything i cant look at u the same (chorus) x2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullet Theory Posted January 10, 2004 Author Share Posted January 10, 2004 I will accept all reviews and opinions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artemis Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 You'll probably get yelled at for double posting, but I won't tell on you! ;) I like it! I've written a song pretty similiar to it (lyrics at least), but I don't have it with me. Do you have music to set it to? It really would make a good song. I like the feelings it envokes. It's one of those places everyon'es been. Out of curiosity, did you go through a recent break up? ;) (PM me if you need to) Good work! Keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullet Theory Posted January 17, 2004 Author Share Posted January 17, 2004 yes i did go thru a recent break up. im currently working on the musical aspect of it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patronus Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 [size=1]Eh... I don't like it. It doesn't flow that well. Try keeping a steady rate of rhyming (maybe once every 3 lines), and [b]use proper grammar[/b].[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullet Theory Posted January 17, 2004 Author Share Posted January 17, 2004 my style of writing isn't really traditional. most of my songs dont rhyme at all. and as for the grammer goes, im so used to talking on AIM that i naturally type that way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brasil Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Urge to kill...rising... [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by jacobian007 [/i] [B]and as for the grammer goes, im so used to talking on AIM that i naturally type that way [/B][/QUOTE] No, no, no. AIM is not an accepted form of language. It's AIMSpeak, not acceptable by any stretch of the imagination. Tell me that you do not type that way for school assignments. I strongly advise you to break the AIMSpeak habit and write correctly. As for the poem/song/thing, I'd suggest--apart from the grammar itself--to rework the general rhythm of the piece. Of course, there is only so much one can do with angsty material. But, that does not mean anything goes, lol. As your piece stands now, it's...basic. I'm all for a Minimalist style, but there is a point at which Minimalism becomes Skeletalized. I think this piece is at the Skeletal point. Add some meat to it, being sure to pay attention to grammar, structure, and rhythm, and it should work nicely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullet Theory Posted January 18, 2004 Author Share Posted January 18, 2004 i do not type that way for school papers. i would fail....just like that *snaps* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiccansamurai Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Then think of OB as school. Being flamed isn't fun, so I suggest don't use AIMSpeak. And lengthen your posts. One sentence doesn't contribute to discussion. As for the poem. It was pretty boring. No use of poetic devices or anything. No real sense of rythme, either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brasil Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by jacobian007 [/i] [B]i do not type that way for school papers. i would fail....just like that *snaps* [/B][/QUOTE] Not only for school papers, but also here, on OB. *cough*[url=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30059]Forum Rules[/url]*cough* Jeeze, I just can't get rid of this cough. *cough*[quote]· Incoherent Posts: At OtakuBoards.com, we greatly emphasize the concept of having clear, easy to read posts. This includes correct use of spelling, grammar and punctuation. If a member is posting with very poor quality, they will be asked to clean up their future posts. If the member persists in posting poorly, they will be banned from the site.[/quote]*cough* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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