Writing The killer*please say it's good*

[Megumi momo]

I am but nothing I live inly to die.

I am but what you want me to be.

I have seen many sorrows that have beckoned my heart.

You are a lost soul asking direction.

What direction you ask I can't help you seek.

The road you point to is bloody cold and dark.

I only wish that my urge to see blood would be forgotten.

Your eyes are so innocent... so confused that they are.

You have stared at a murder smiled laughed with the bloodlust.

It is only mutual that I do the same near your corpse.

You see I kill, I have no reason to Love hate or care.

I have been forsaken by the cross yet I carry it.

Eveything I told you, you have dismissed.

So now I stare into those lifeless eyes I wonder why you did not run.


Your blood is fruit to me only it's naturel that I make haste to taste the nector.

You silly useless girl, you just saw your last killer.


so this is a vamp poem i hope it's good!

[Patronus]

[size=1]It doesn't make any sense, really. You used the word [u]mutual[/u] wrong, I think. Anyways, try putting a basic plot to what you're writing, and follow that. You may say it's a vampire poem, but that's just a genre.[/size]

[Drix D'Zanth]

I also dont think it made sense.. it seemed trite. :-\

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]I am but nothing I live inly to die.
[/B][/QUOTE]

You live inly? you mean "only"? If this is a vampire... haven't you already died, or arent you immortal?
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]
I am but what you want me to be.
[/B][/QUOTE]
In the last sentence you just said you are "nothing"
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]
I have seen many sorrows that have beckoned my heart.[/B][/QUOTE]
Sorrows call to your heart? "Have" as present tense doesn't associate with the past of "sorrow". You are saying your heart is drawn to the sorrow of the past. Re-word this.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]The road you point to is bloody cold and dark.

I only wish that my urge to see blood would be forgotten.[/B][/QUOTE]
Profound...

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]
Your eyes are so innocent... so confused that they are.[/B][/QUOTE]
How can someone logically be confused of their innocence? Isn't innocence an ignorance of one's own naivete?

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]
You have stared at a murder smiled laughed with the bloodlust. [/B][/QUOTE]

The little innocent girl has laughed at bloodlust? "smiled laughed" doesn't make too much sense without any punctuation or rhyme scheme.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]
It is only mutual that I do the same near your corpse.[/B][/QUOTE]
As stated before. You don't use mutual that way. Perhaps you should use "likely" or "natural".

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]
I have been forsaken by the cross yet I carry it.[/B][/QUOTE]
I actually like this line, very nice.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]
Eveything I told you, you have dismissed.

So now I stare into those lifeless eyes I wonder why you did not run.[/B][/QUOTE]

Why do you wonder why she didn't run if she was dismissing what you told her?

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]
Your blood is fruit to me only it's naturel that I make haste to taste the nector.[/B][/QUOTE]

"Nectar" "natural" . I reccomend you check your spelling on an independent word drafting program before posting. (i.e. Word)

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Megumi momo [/i]
[B]
You silly useless girl, you just saw your last killer.
[/B][/QUOTE]

How do you see more than one of your own killer?

[Megumi momo]

Thanks for the insight the only way I can become a better artist at what I do is to have people tell me my faults.
In reality I write better poems when I have a intrest in what I write. Vampires have been a fave for a while but the poems are dead. I apperciate all of the commets and I only wish to try harder at what I write.


Somethings are what they are because of how they came to be.
You will never suceed until your faults are placed in frot of you on a platter.

Chinease Proverb.