Writing A Poem I Wrote

[Guest Midnight Rush]

I wrote this poem on the way back from a trip after meeting and then saying goodbye to the first girl I have ever been overwhelmingly attracted to.
Here it is, rather sappy I'm afraid,
almost too much so for a girl I knew for like 5 days, youth is fickle I'll tell you that much (and stupid at times...):

October Embers (the title....)

Those feeting memories of days long past,
The scars of time, are they gone at last?
Can I remember that which is gone?
Are these thoughts of just someone?
Or have I forgotten a precious face,
Her beautiful eyes, her whit, and her grace.
Her image burned to my soul by a sear,
Thinking of her caused me to shed a tear.

God's in his heaven, all's right with the world,
I'm sailing thorugh life with banner unfurled.
Though cold winds blow across time's endless plain,
That girl haunts me, just a face with no name.
The lamps burn in heaven, shining hope in the night,
This star stealing girl, she has turned out my light.
The moon floats in the darkness, a light for reprieve,
Her crimson eyes, what do they believe?
Through memory I seek to reach her, I know I will not,
I shall be alone with the memories I've got.
Those brief moments together I shall always remember,
Sealed in my soul like October embers.

By Patrick Beam and NOONE ELSE!
*Thieves beware*

__________________________________

DO *NOT* take me for a sap or a dreamer, a good poem perhaps, but a terrible few days.

[Naru]

woah. thats really good. i like it a lot ^^

the one line i'm a little not so sure about is
'The moon floats in the darkness, a light for reprieve,
Her crimson eyes, what do they believe?'

i dont think the beleive sounds right....i dunno. it just sounds wrong to me. hmmm....

other than that its great!! ^^

I'd love to hear another!!

~Naru-chan

[wiccansamurai]

I'm not an expert on poetry, but here is what I see:

Mechanics: AABB ryhming scheme. How original :rolleyes:
Not to mention the number of predictable ryhmes.
[QUOTE]Her image burned to my soul by a sear,[/QUOTE]
That line sounds like it was put in there just to make a ryhme with tear possible.
[QUOTE]The lamps burn in heaven, shining hope in the night,
This star stealing girl, she has turned out my light.[/QUOTE]
That is one of the most over-used ryhmes EVER.
Another over-used thing in poetry: The use of October in the title. Why October? It seemed to have no point.

Emotionalism aesthetic: Love poems are good. I'm a romantic. But, really, I felt nothing in this. The message just didn't touch me at all.

Er, I guess I'm just a hard ass when critiquing. Bite me. ;) I critique because I care!

[Guest Midnight Rush]

lol I agree completely. Like I said it was a bad time, practically lost my mind. anyway yeah your right, too predictable, but wahts done is done, so yeah