Writing My Poetry: Looking for constructive critisism, please!

[JazzLady22]

Okay... I write a lot of poetry for my creative writing class, and I usually like to get my stuff edited before the final draft. But most of the editors in my class are idiots, so if you guys could give me suggestions on what to change, I would love you forever. Keep in mind that these are free verse, and don't rhyme. If you tell me 'It doesn't rhyme,' I might cry.

[I] Torrential Downpour

I just had to get outside for one minute;
to feel the cold, pouring rain
on my burning skin.
It's always too hot in that house.
Today you insisted on leaving the windows closed,
and the fire stoked, like you couldn't feel the heat
radiating off your own walls.

And I hate to say it,
but you're stifling me.
Endless talk about the men in your life,
Your 20-something boyfriend,
your married fling,
your ex-who-so-desperately-wants-you-back.
Then your rapturous babbling is cut short
by the sound of the phone,
and you wave me away to attend to
more urgent matters.

When we were younger,
we were the only people in our world
who mattered.
We'd run barefoot in our city that always rains,
never feeling the cold on our shoulders.
Until you started preferring the warmth of sunny weather,
and left me to evaporate. [/I]

Yes, I posted that on myOtaku, but I'm proud of my work, even if it's not good. I'll post some more of my work on here, but I'd like to see if anyone [I]replies[/I] first, heh.

[Retribution]

I thought it was pretty good, it got even better when you compared their past life to their life at the present

[Farto the Magic]

I loved it. I'm speechless.

[KarmaOfChaos]

Very good, especially for free verse (which I'm generally not a fan of.) You convey the emotion of the poem well, an aching sort of longing, for days, and people long gone. Nice imagery with being stifiled by the person's friviloties. ^-^ Well done!

-Karma

[Mimmsicle]

[COLOR=darkred]I was just about to scream PLAGIARISM !, cause I knew I had seen it somewhere before =^_^=
Then I realised that it was [b]you[/b] [i]*points*[/i] ~_^

I encourage you to [b]not[/b] edit anything, it works wonders as it is.
Now there is a quality of silent movies nestling in it. Very nice !

If only the weather reports were this good ^_^;

- Mimmi [/COLOR]

[JazzLady22]

Wow! You're all too kind, really! And yes Mimmi, it's [i]me[/i]! Haha. Okay, now do you all mind if I post another one? This one's from a while ago. Comments or edits appriciated. Thankee very much!

[i]Scripture, Astroturf, and Thanksgiving Dinner

I never could understand the purpose
of Astroturf on your front steps,
the marble leopard in your living room.
Sitting in front of the fireplace,
wondering why you'd put a nativity scene there.
I warned you Santa might step on it,
but when have you ever listened?

You whispered in my mother's ear
as I didn't touch my turkey or sweet potatoes.
Picky eaters unheard of in your household.
You wondered why I prefer to watch TV alone,
lock the doors whenever I enter a room,
eat popcorn after just having dinner.
You think I stare at your porcelain Christmas village
for hours at a time
because there is something wrong with me.

I can't comprehend why
you don't think your grandson's bride is pretty,
or why the framed Psalm in the hall outside the guest room
makes me think of anything but greener pastures.

You don't understand why
I stay up in the kitchen so late.
Why I'm never ready for Foxwoods at 4:00 AM.
You wonder what I could possibly do
by myself for that long.[/i]

Have a good day!

[Mimmsicle]

[COLOR=darkred]Another poem ^__^

Like the others, this is very fluid.

You take the reader on a mental journey, on several levels. From the eyes of the grandmother/father (?) to she writer, the surroundings, objects and so on.

It becomes more vivid that way, it feels tangiable.

I have no suggestions for editing, since I liked it the way it is ^__^

- Mimmi[/COLOR]

[Dagger]

Hello there, dear. It's always nice to see you around OB. ^_~

[i]Torrential Downpour[/i]: You're quite right to take pride in your work. Each stanza transitions smoothly to the next, and it seems as though you put a great deal of thought into the placement of the line breaks. This poem plays with several variations of a fairly simple motif (fire and water, hot and cold, dry and wet), and it's refreshing to read writing that infuses straightforward ideas and imagery with such emotional depth. Your poetry has the clarity of prose; that may not sound like much, but it's one of the highest compliments I've ever given. Lucidity is a rare commidity in this forum.

[i]Scripture, Astroturf, and Thanksgiving Dinner[/i]: Heh, this reminds me strongly of myself. It's another excellent piece--however, it's not quite as polished or focused as the first. Try playing around with some of your word choices and sentence structures. The fourth verse in particular is very powerful, but I feel that the comma after "guest room" interrupts its flow.

~Dagger~

[JazzLady22]

I would just like to take this moment to point out, one more time, that v7 is completely and totally INSANE.

That being said, enjoy my latest poem! (Yes, I posted this on myO)

[I]"Life Underwater"

We've already established I'm past that,
that fresh-faced blankness
of an eleven-year old.
When you aren't even confident enough
not to count the steps in your head,
even if it breaks the continuity.
It's easier to pretend it ends there,
rather than reaching the point where you realize,
"What, there's [B]more[/B]?

You had nothing to worry about,
you never had trouble with skipping stones.
I've reached the age where
I can't blame it on the waves anymore,
as the stone skips once,
and sinks without a ripple.[/I]

Have a nice weekend, everyone! Criticism welcome, but if you're going to spam up this thread, please leave your e-mail so I can drop you a thank-you virus. ;)

Thank you to Dagger and Mimmi for the lovely compliments!

[Mimmsicle]

[size=1][color=#800000]Haha ! I shall post here as well, for I am ... here >_>;[/color][/size]

[size=1][color=#800000]Using water as a symbolism is quite effective. Very good.[/color][/size]

[size=1][color=#800000]As a child one is captivated by it and long to know what's hiding in the murky depths, or you play that game with the pebbles - counting how many skips it makes. It's all play.[/color][/size]

[size=1][color=#800000]But as you grow older, that innocence is lost. You know the powers of the water, its potential destructiveness. The stone may skip further now, but you know that ultimately it will sink.[/color][/size]

[size=1][color=#800000]I [b]loved[/b] this poem. Truly I did. I just have difficulty properly analyzing it differently. But I'm sure others will put their thoughts in here and perhaps offer something new ~_^[/color][/size]

[size=1][color=#800000]- Mimmi[/color][/size]