Writing You? Never!

[Sweet Pie]

[color=red][size=3][b][i]You? Never![/i][/color] ^++^ Chapter 1[/b][/size]


[b]My name is Megan Sagnier. I'm fifteen. Chris Richardson is my best friend. He's a year ahead of me. I've got a crush on him [i]but[/i] he has got a crush on [i]Rachel[/i], who's
a beauty queen. Out the blue, there's this new neighbour of mine. Their son, Kimura Imai, [i]was[/i] the person I hated most. I never [i]liked[/i] him. Nothing's good about him.
There's my brother, Nick whose in Sommerset Royal College. I hate it when he said that Kimura and I made a..good couple! Rachel likes my big bro.
My worst night mare, is still to come. Guess what? Kimura [i]is[/i] my brother's [i]best[/i] friend![/b]


[size=1]
[i]"Ms Sagnier is soaked in a puddle of mud. Too bad., there's no prince charming. Ha! Ha! Ha! April Fool!" he laughed hysterically.
I just walked away. I felt embarassed especially when Chris saw me in this form and he laughed too. I hate it. I hate him. It was the worst day. I despised him![/i]

I'm just like other girls, always attracted to boys. [i]But[/i], boys aren't attracted to me. I'm fifteen, a junior in
Summerdale High School.

"Megan, dinner's ready." my Dad called from the kitchen.
"In a minute, Dad."

My Dad's a good cook. He can cook [i]any[/i] dishes. You name it. He's a furniture designer. You can see his product at [i]IKEA[/i]. On the way down the landing, the phone rang. Hoping it might be Chris, changing
his mind about the cancelled date.

"Hello?" I asked.
"Meg! Open the door! I forgot to bring my keys!" he practically shouting in my ear. My blood was boiling. I woudn't open the door for him, if he treats me like this.
Unhappy with the way he talked, I answered sarcasticlly, "Why should I?"
"Oh, Meg! Your [i]dear[/i] brother forgot to bring his keys. Would you unlock the door for me, [i]please[/i]?" I could imagine him, saying the word 'please' showing his white teeth. [i]Yuck![/i]

I took the keys on the coffee table and unlocked the door.

Looking at him straight in the eye, "And what should you say?" blocking his way in.
He looked at me with disgust, "Thank you!" forcing those words and rolled his eyes.

If I were gven a chance, my fist would have landed on his face, [i]perfectly[/i], but Dad was watching. Nick sat across me and Dad sat beside him. Fish and Chips, [i]my[/i] favourite. The coleslaw's tasty and the fish was sweet
and delicious. Dad ordered me to pass the fries. He put down his fork and knife and looked at me. [i]That[/i] gleam in his eyes. Uh..oh..not again...

"How's school, [i]Ludivine[/i], honey?"
I knew he was goinh to ask that. "Everything's fine, Dad."
"Don't hide [i]anything[/i] from me [i]Ludivine[/i]."
So I told him about school from P.E class to lunch break to my extra activities. Words spilled out of my mouth, just like that.
"Dad, Chris [i]is[/i] not coming tonight. He's got a date with Rachel." I tried my very best to hide those dissapointments in my voice. I [i]was[/i] jealous. Who wouldn't, when you have a big crush on that particular guy. Rachel Stevens
was the same age as Chris.

Okay, about that [i]Ludivine[/i] thing, my full name is Megan Ludivine Sagnier. My father gave me that name because I was born in Paris, France [i]but[/i] lived in California. Born in the country of [i]romance[/i], cool, huh?
That name sounded do sweet, gentle and sophisticated [i]but[/i] in reality, I'm the opposite. If you deserve a punch, you get one right on your cheecks. But [i]still[/i], I have a [i]heart[/i] of a teenage girl.

Nick looked up from his plate, one eyebrow up. Uh..oh..he knew I was [i]jealous[/i]. This [i]is[/i] bad.
"You got a crush [i]on[/i] him, didn't you? You're jealous, right?" he said aloud together with that [i]I-know-about-you-and-don't-hide-from-me[/i] grin. I could only grit my teeth.
"I'm not jealous." I said firmly and glaring at Nick.
"Don't pretend!" he retorted.
"Shut up, Nick!"
"Watch your mouth!" he said. Now his hands curled into a fist.
"Stop, [i]both[/i] of you!" my Dad's voice boomed.

[i]Ding-Dong! Ding-Dong! Ding-Dong![/i]

Nick pushed his chair and strolled towards the door. There was some mumbling from the door. And Nick came back witha [i]familiar[/i] figure. [i]That's[/i] when the food in my mouth was spat out onto the plate.[/size]

[color=coral][b]Critcs & comments are welcomed
Chapter 2 coming your way. [i]Just, wait...[/i][/color][/b]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]Okay. Not a bad story, really, although it can improve in several ways -- like most stories can.

Please use spaces in between paragraphs. You do that sometimes and don't others. It gets hard to read. A new speaker means a new line, so keep the one-line space between them, too. It really helps us readers, heh.

First of all, I don't like the first paragraph -- the one in bold. It's all an explanation, things that -- in my opinion -- should be able to fit into the story and be explained bit by bit. For instance...[i]Chris -- my best friend -- had broken dinner with me and my family to go on a date with [/i]Rachel[i].[/i] Or something like that. So it will all sort of slip into the reader's conscious, rather than being bombarded by information when we don't know the characters.

I don't understand the second paragraph. Who is Ms. Sagnier? And what does that have to do with Prince Charming? Or April Fools? Is this scene a flashback or something? Perhaps you could indicate that in the next paragraph -- make it clear.

In this paragraph, I think you should add a tie between Dad cooking and Dad designing furniture, for instance:

[i]My Dad's a good cook. He can cook any dishes. You name it. [color=red]He cooks in his spare time.[/color] He's [color=red]actually[/color] a furniture designer. You can see his product at IKEA. [color=red][New paragraph here][/color]On the way down the landing, the phone rang. Hoping it might be Chris, changing his mind about the cancelled date[color=red],I picked up the phone.[/color]

"Hello?" I asked.

"Meg! Open the door! I forgot to bring my keys!" he [color=red][Who is he? Meg's brother? Or Meg's brother's friend?] practically shouting in my ear. My blood was boiling. I wouldn?t open the door for him, if he treats me like this.[/i]

I think if you stop and read it form the point of view of someone who doesn't know who the characters are, then you'll be able to clarify a bit more.

But really, it has potential. You just need to clarify and try to show us what's happening, rather than tell us in a paragraph in the beginning.

.:Asphy:.[/size]