Writing Breath Slightly Warm

[oshi]

My debut poem . . . hope you like it. I'd appreciate critiques. Has anyone else heard of the Masters of Reality?
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It wasn?t really
Hiding under the pillow
With iridescent eyes and breath just slightly warm
Sticky fingers resting
Beneath the head (three feet)
Take them out
Peeking greedily
Warm and red just waiting to sink the boat
Drop the glass
Let it all out
There is no answer
The skin next of kin rushing to the surface
Pale and fragile
With breath just slightly warm
The neck of the beast and the soul of the wounded
Entwined to find
Weakness in the jugular and strength in the pain
Not hiding anymore
Glaring glowing
In the dark of sleep-time
When there is no holy soul awake
Obsidian take it
Of no further use
Hands slid under the pillow to feel sticky fingers
Red in the weakness of the jugular
And pained in the strength of the breath slightly warm.

[Inuyashagurl_15]

I like it :D :D :D

[DragonofDestiny]

Oooo!, it's good. It's nice and mello but it kinda makes me think about things, which is interesting. I don't know if that was your intention, but it is pretty dang good.
~DragonofDestiny

[Dagger]

When writing poetry, a lot of people tend to over-use punctuation (commas, periods, colons, and so forth). Your work doesn't seem to suffer from that problem. Since line breaks provide the only obvious stopping points in this piece, they acquire added significance. I hesitate to recommend that you divide the poem into sentence-like structures, but an occasional period might give the reader an idea of where to pause and let your words sink in.

By the way, I love how the ending and beginning mirror each other. Your word choices are generally excellent, although I was uncertain how to interpret a few phrases. For example, take "The skin next of kin rushing to the surface." If you meant to say "skin's next of kin," then I assume that the substance in question would be blood. If not, then I can't quite tell what you're implying.

You have a real knack for subtle alliteration, which makes the poem very enjoyable to read. Lovely work, oshi.

~Dagger~