Brasil Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 ?Stars Bucking The World? A mermaid to me now doth call, Drawing me close with her pearly ball, Sending my senses to disarray, But here I move closer, and not away. Her scent is enchanting me, Playing honey to my bee, As louder grows my buzz, And longer go, the urge still does. My body has usurped control, The lower mind with the winning roll, And before her now I stand, With my tender well in hand. She speaks in foreign tongue, Her luscious lips but nineteen young, And enticing me to speak?but alas, My thoughts have left me? And my tongue has fallen weak. I am lacking oral power, My bells ring true my final hour; My hopes and dreams now drift away, Joyous aroma to another day. The aqua maiden begins to frown, A scowl to put my tender slinking down; She motions me to leave, finger to the door, I turn and step away, as silently I mutter, ?Whore.? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Japan Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 That is very good, PT. I like it a lot....it made me hold my breath. I thought it had a very funny ending. Definately your kind of writing style. Well done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimmsicle Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 [COLOR=darkred][size=1]At first I thought this would be about Starbucks... but let's leave that.[/size] The poem moved very much like the situation itself. You heard the call[size=1] (started to read)[/size] - it drew you in [size=1](you wanted to know more) [/size]- then as you moved closer, it changed. It's funny.... I'm guessing the person in this poem, would have the means to express what you've written. Yet he still is unable to utter a single word, other than that of dissapointment. It is a nice twist. [size=1](a very realistic one)[/size] For some reason I don't want to analyze poetry too much, especially when it's something that I instantly like. Hence my somewhat fuzzy observations ^_^; - Mimmi[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RPCrazy Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 "At first I thought this would be about Stabucks..." O_O!! Do you share a brain with Alex, or soemthing? Were you related in a past life? -inspects you- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bio Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 [font=tahoma][size=1]You're very clever with words, and the ending was very unexpected. *applause* I've never read a poem like that, that transitions from one area of thinking to another. It was... interesting, and though I usually don't like poetry very much, I'd honestly like to see more.[/font][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimmsicle Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by RPCrazy [/i] [B]"At first I thought this would be about Stabucks..." O_O!! Do you share a brain with Alex, or soemthing? Were you related in a past life? -inspects you- [/B][/QUOTE] [color=darkred] I'll probably make myself look like an ass but [size=1](I'll pretend my ass looks great >__> )[/size].... What are you talking about ? ^__^; - Mimmi[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brasil Posted January 31, 2004 Author Share Posted January 31, 2004 Mimmi, RPCrazy was referring to your first line of your original reply. I strongly suggest that you take the idea presented there (the first sentence of your initial reply) and run with it. ~_^ I find that you will be most rewarded for digging deeper with that thesis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimmsicle Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 [COLOR=darkred]I realize now that I need to take a closer look into how my brain is working ^__^; Whenever I try to unravel something, nothing comes out of the package. When I just react, I score ~_^ But on the subject of this post... it's a very good one [i]*wink, nudge*[/i] - Mimmi [/COLOR] [SIZE=1]I apologise for my abuse of the English language and for being unfunny ^_^[/SIZE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brasil Posted February 3, 2004 Author Share Posted February 3, 2004 Mimmi, I would really, really love to see you continue that StarBucks thesis. Please do. ^_^ Since this poem has gotten such a nice response, I figured I'd put my scanner to good use and scan the actual notebook page I wrote Stars Bucking on. The editing process is very interesting... [img]http://wookieeluv.250free.com/StarsBuckingPage1.jpg[/img] [img]http://wookieeluv.250free.com/StarsBuckingPage2.jpg[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimmsicle Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by PoisonTongue [/i] [B]?Star[/b]s[b] Buck[/b]ing The World?[/B][/QUOTE] [color=darkblue]Starbucks. I figured you could pull something like that, so that's why it struck me =P[/color] [QUOTE][b] A mermaid to me now doth call, Drawing me close with her pearly ball, Sending my senses to disarray, But here I move closer, and not away.[/B][/QUOTE] [color=darkblue] Dunno about this one, but it made me think of [i]the Sirens[/i]. You know, you're supposed to steer clear of them - I'm guessing if you're in need of coffee, the scent of it is like a Siren calling. But... I'm sure I'm getting things wrong, so I'll move on ^_^;[/color] [QUOTE][b] Her scent is enchanting me, Playing honey to my bee, As louder grows my buzz, And longer go, the urge still does. [/B][/QUOTE] [color=darkblue] Coffee smells nice. And if you're addicted to the stuff, the scent of those beans really takes you by the hand and leads you to the counter. So to speak. [/color][QUOTE][b] My body has usurped control, The lower mind with the winning roll, And before her now I stand, With my tender well in hand. [/B][/QUOTE][color=darkblue][i]"The lower mind"[/i]... I first made the connection to another area, but seeing as I'm now thinking coffe...Hrm. Yes. [i]"Tender well in hand"[/i]. I checked my dictionary and I now think of money, instead of.... when did my mind get this dirty ? :therock: [/color] ********** [color=darkred] Ehm, that's about as far as I can get right now, sleep deprived as I am. Though I doubt I could've done any better with a clear mind. ^_^; It's interesting to see the first draft. You've not made many changes, there was a clear vision from the beginning and a straight forward execution of it. At least to me it looks like that. Compared to what my scribblings look like =P - Mimmi[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarmaOfChaos Posted February 3, 2004 Share Posted February 3, 2004 [color=deeppink] I'm sorry PT, but this poem just screamed sex. Or wait, maybe that's me. ^.~ Honestly though, I don't think I have to dig very far to pull out all the sexual inneudos here. Nice poem. (He called her a whore because she wouldn't have sex with him? He's a bit too sensitive...and a bad hand at insulting.) -Karma [/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brasil Posted February 4, 2004 Author Share Posted February 4, 2004 Mimmi, lovely post. I'm glad you went ahead with the interpretation. :) Karma, I'm glad you enjoyed it, but I do suggest you look at what Mimmi did. The sexual innuendo is merely the surface of the piece. In fact, the sexual innuendo does not relate to the true subject matter of the poem at all. ~_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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