Writing My Near-Death Experience, I guess [PG]

[DeathBug]

[color=indigo][size=1][font=century]So, here's the scenario: It's ten thirty at night, and I'm on the X-Entertainment site. (That site kicks arse.) Anway, what was my choice of reading material just before bed? The summary (with pictures) of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yes, I'm an idiot, but allow me to continue.

I turn off my PC and am ready to turn in, but the instant tht light goes off, I come to the sudden realization that LeatherFace is in the room with me. That clever bastard is actually staying just out of my line of sight, no matter where I turn. The situation deteriorates when I realize that I really have to pee.

I brave my way to the bathroom, avoiding potential chainsaw thrusts, only to turn the light on and find...a beetle on my floor. Eww. Without a second thought, I take my tissue box and smash the lil' bugger into paste. I'm very nervous about bugs in my bathroom after finding out that an entire ant colony was living under my sink two years ago. However, I realize my mistake the instant I make it: I just killed a bug.

In horror movie logic, killing that beetle was the signal for thousands of similar beetles to come swarming out of the sink and crawl all over me, filling my every orafice until horrible crawly death sets in. Death By Beetle is actually pretty high on my "List of Ways I Really Really Don't Want to Die", right up there with being stabbed in the ear really hard with a sharpened pencil. But I digress.

The impasse was set: I'd have to brave the possibility of the Great Beetle Rebellion, because the alternative would be having to wash my bedsheets the following morning, because...well, you can figure it out. After peeing, I left the bathroom, buit the instant I turned out the light, LeatherFace came out of hiding, and was once again exactly where I wasn't looking at the moment.

I'm at my bed in three steps, and, once there, instantly revert to five-year old logic. Obvioudly, if I stay under my covers, don't open my eyes, and don't move at all, I'll be perfectly safe from the man with the human skin mask and chainsaw. I mean, obviously.

As I lay in bed, I begin to doubt the wisdom of this logic, but my doubts are quieted by the mental reminder that, hey, these tactics I used when I was five are the reason I lived to see six. So, no moving, and definatly no opening of the eyes.

Why no opening of the eyes? Well, you see, LeatherFace was standing directly over me as I lay there, chainsaw raised to lower on me the instant I opened my eyes. If I did'nt open my eyes, he'd never attack me; it would be against the rules. Again, I know this because I obviously survived the night; a little thing like not actually seeing LeatherFace will not dissuade me from the truth.

As time went on, my "No movement" creedo turned on me, and viciously; I really needed to scratch my nose. Of course, I'd be dead the moment I did. However, if I kept thinking about the itch on my face, it'd drive me nuts. So, I desperatly try to think of something else, and what better to think of than the seriel killer standing over me? Sadly, my mind wanders of its own accord, and no matter how much I tugged on the leash, it seemed obsessed with imagining what it would feel like when the big LF dropped his chainsaw on me.

This was, absolutly, the worst part of my death-defying ordeal, imagining which pieces of my body would be chopped away. I came to the conclusion that LeatherFace would cut me exactly three inches below my bellow button, effectively severing my legs (among other parts) from my chest. My best bet in this situation would be to scream until I hyper-ventilated, and hope that the combination of no oxygen and extreme pain would numb my sense as I blacked out.

As you can imagine, I didn't worry so much about the itch on my nose anymore. Thankfully, I drift off into a dreamless sleep.

As I wake up the next morning, (LeatherFace had apparently abandoned me during the night; inattentive cretin), I ask myself a simple question: Do they have a name for whatever the Hell it is that's wrong with me?

Just another day (and night) in the life of


DeathBug[/color][/font][/size]

[Brasil]

DeathBug, nice piece.

It plays upon the horror cliches well, but toning it down just a tiny bit would suit even better.

It's really just a matter of editing a few sentences that are dispersed throughout the piece.

[quote]In horror movie logic, killing that beetle was the signal for thousands of similar beetles to come swarming out of the sink [/quote]

I'd suggest something like...

"Now I've done it. No avoiding it now. Killing that beetle was...etc"

If you go through the piece, looking for those phrases and figure out a more subtle way to say it, this work will...work even better.

One thing the writer must keep in mind, is that the reader isn't totally stupid. And especially when you're writing a story that contains cheesy horror movie cliches, the reader will know precisely what you're talking about, what cliche you're mocking, 90% of the time. Even moreso when you mention LeatherFace.

But overall, nice work. I enjoyed it wholeheartedly. Just consider my editing suggestions.

[Bio]

[font=tahoma][size=1]I found this hilarious, and I don't know why. Maybe it was the purposeful arrogant charm with which you wrote it.
[/font][/size]
[quote]I'm at my bed in three steps, and, once there, instantly revert to five-year old logic. Obvioudly, if I stay under my covers, don't open my eyes, and don't move at all, I'll be perfectly safe from the man with the human skin mask and chainsaw. I mean, obviously.

As I lay in bed, I begin to doubt the wisdom of this logic, but my doubts are quieted by the mental reminder that, hey, these tactics I used when I was five are the reason I lived to see six. So, no moving, and definatly no opening of the eyes.

Why no opening of the eyes? Well, you see, LeatherFace was standing directly over me as I lay there, chainsaw raised to lower on me the instant I opened my eyes. If I did'nt open my eyes, he'd never attack me; it would be against the rules. Again, I know this because I obviously survived the night; a little thing like not actually seeing LeatherFace will not dissuade me from the truth.

As time went on, my "No movement" creedo turned on me, and viciously; I really needed to scratch my nose. Of course, I'd be dead the moment I did. However, if I kept thinking about the itch on my face, it'd drive me nuts. So, I desperatly try to think of something else, and what better to think of than the seriel killer standing over me? Sadly, my mind wanders of its own accord, and no matter how much I tugged on the leash, it seemed obsessed with imagining what it would feel like when the big LF dropped his chainsaw on me.[/quote]

[font=tahoma][size=1]How can it possibly get any funnier than that? You are truely a skilled writer.[/font][/size]

[Guest pinsandneedles]

funny....but did it really happen...?...

[DeathBug]

[color=indigo][font=century][size=1]If by "did it really happen" you mean, "Did I really read about TCM right before bed then get all creeped out and kill a beetle", then, yes. ^___^ I took a few liberties on the actual details.

This actually wasn't written as a story; it was actually an e-mail to a friend of mine, she that wonderful person who referred my to the X-Entertainment site. I edited out all the personal references, but that's why it's a bit uneven in certain parts.

Someone told me it'd be great as a piece of lit, and I figured, "Sure, why not?"[/color][/font][/size]

[Bandit Joeykuba]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

That was f'ing hilarious, DB. Right on my level of hilarity (good thing it wasn't above, or else I'd die of a lack of oxygen...).

I have a question, where did you come up with the death by pencil thing?

I'll end this with a final statement: I appluad you for this, DB. I must say, this is far funnier than anything I've written (yes, in my opnion, it's better than Price Check for a Duel), and that's saying something. :laugh:

[DeathBug]

[color=indigo][font=century][size=1]This only proves my theory that really funny stuff happens very 'spur of the moment', and can't be planned; I just sat down and wrote this as a letter with no prior planning. ^^;;

As for the pencil thing, that was on last week's episode of Smallville. Owch.[/color][/size][/font]

[Bandit Joeykuba]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by DeathBug [/i]
[B][color=indigo][font=century][size=1]This only proves my theory that really funny stuff happens very 'spur of the moment', and can't be planned; I just sat down and wrote this as a letter with no prior planning. ^^;;

As for the pencil thing, that was on last week's episode of Smallville. Owch.[/color][/size][/font] [/B][/QUOTE]

No, your theory... it be wrong. PRice Check for a Duel is planned.... well, sorta. Oo; At least, I'll think will happen and then place it in the story...

And thanks for answering my question. ^^ I thought you had gotten it fro mthat one episode of Boy Meets World where a random guy named Kenny was stabbed through the head with a giant pencil. Oo;

[Godelsensei]

[COLOR=Gray][FONT=Courier New]Well, this was fricken hilarious to read.

No, really--I had a great amount of fun.

And the thing is, [i]it's all true[/i]. I like the way you give the perspective of the five-year-old at the same time as the...you're nineteen, right? Anyway, I think my point gets across.

I quite enjoyed the line about the "innatentive bastard".

*sigh*

I remember when not moving and keeping your eyes closed were all one needed to feel secure. : /[/FONT][/COLOR]

[DeathBug]

[color=indigo][size=1][font=comic sans ms]O_O

Godel, por favor, tell me: did you revive this thread because I posted this story on my O, or is this just a huge coincidence?

Either way, thank yew. And I'm eighteen.[/color][/size][/font]