Writing Annihilation, first draft

[Vicky]

Let me explain first: Annihilation is a story I'm writing, but to make it a lot better, I'm doing the first draft of the whole story now, so it's not meant to be up-to-scratch. Also, I'm writing the Dragon King, so I wanted your opinions on the first draft, then I'll do a second draft and then the final one. Yes... this will take the rest of my life...

Here's the first draft first chapter:

[SIZE=1][b][u]Chapter 0ne.[/u][/b]
Land beneath Ours.



[b]Humans are one of the most intelligent races in the universe. Well, they where. Until ever one else knew the secret to there planet. Humans thought they where the only things in the universe, some thought there where others, but they where millions of zillions of miles away. Little did they know, another race and world was right next-door, right under their noses. But to be exact, another race lived right under them.

Under them, was a world with little rules, and the people below, wanted what they had. But they had a plan, and would soon get the top world?[/b]

~

[i]?Kill? Dango, walked through the dark forest. His mind was battling against the full moon, and his spiky hair growing longer.
?Transform?. KILL!!? A voice repeated in his head. His eyes went red, and his body growing. His head falling apart in the wind. He never felt like this before. He was alone, under the full moon. For once he didn?t want to transform. The full moon was indeed real. They didn?t live in the ground, but it was infact a magic realm, where they moon reached and the sun shone. Dango feel on the ground, and the cold grass pressed on his chest.
?KILL!? Dango let it go. He couldn?t hold it in any more. The moon shone on him, and he began to transform. He got up, and his shadow cast over the trees. His face began to grow into a snout, and his fangs grew larger, his hands grew claws, and his hair stretched down his body. Then, he jumped up. His snout was wide open, and huge fangs stuck in his mouth. His tail was black, and most of his fur was black and grey. His gold pants flicked in the moonlight.
?KILL?.? Dango looked around. His hands clenched.
?I TOLD YOU TO KILL!? A cold voice said. He didn?t know who it was, or where it was coming from. Dango became scared. His wolf ears flicked.
?KILL!!!!? Shouted the cold voice. Dango looked around, he jumped to the nearest tree and began to rip it with his claws.
?FOOL!? Yelled a voice. Dango stopped, and then looked around. Suddenly, something began to hurt inside. His head began to burn. He howled louder and louder. His head was being attacked by something?. something inside him. He howled louder, biting himself, to fight it off. But he howled louder. His scratched at himself, and growled.
?NEVER DISOBEY ME!? Said the voice. Then, the burning pain went away. Dango looked up. His arm was full of bite marks and blood. He howled slowly, and is eye caught the sight of some one. He turned around to find a man in a cloak, with a knife in his hand and a hood. Dango couldn?t see him, but then he noticed his hood moved down by it?s self. Dango sniffed with his long snout, and growled. The man had a skull like face, with red eyes and a snaked tongue.
?You brought this on yourself?.? He hissed. The man drifted forward, and Dango noticed what the knife was. Pure, shining, Sliver. Dango howled and tried to run away, but he could hardly move. His head felt cold and he began to think this was it, his final night. He fell on his knees, and tried to shake off the cold feel.
?I should have never chosen you?.? Said the man. He bent down, and placed the knife on Dango?s back. Dango couldn?t fight back. He couldn?t move?His eyes widened as he felt a burning knife jab into his back?[/i]

Dango jumped up out of bed, yelling. He almost banged into a man with brown hair over his left eye.
?Dango? Are you ok? You where howling in your sleep and yelling?? The man said. Dmitri, his best friend. Dmitri wore red pants, and wasn?t fully dressed. He had nothing on his top and no shoes on. Dango looked around. Dmitri?s bed was beside his, and the room had one window.
?Urgh?what time is it?? Dango?s voice was dull and cold.
?Time you got. Talor?s cookin? breakfast." Said Dmitri running down the stairs.
?Oh right?. WHAT!?? Dango jumped out of bed and put his sliver jeans on. The sunlight shone on his face. His tail swadded side to side as he put on his black boots. Then, he felt a burn in his back?. like his dream?he feel on his knees, sweating. The pain slowly wore off. A man with long red hair and blue cloths on popped his head round from the stairs.
?Are you com?? The man stopped. He was called Talor. Rad?s seconded best friend.
?You don?t look so good.? Talor walked to Dango, whose breath was deep and heavy.
?Err, I?ll be down in a sec?? Dango said slowly.
?You sure your ok?? Talor said as he walked to the stairs.
?Yeah.? He heard Talor run down the stairs, banging as he went. Dango grabbed a red shirt, and pulled it over his head. He walked across the room, and in a door. He closed it behind him and looked in his bathroom mirror. A thousand thoughts flew through his head.
[i]Who was that guy?
Was it really a dream?
Why did my transformation hurt?
Why did my personality towards a human change?[/i]
Although Talor was a human, people that told him to kill, would find a fist in their face. But, this time he obeyed the human?he was afraid, so he attacked a tree instead of a person?
[i]Why?[/i]
He thought to himself, until the deep voice of Dmitri called.
?Are you there? Hello? Mr. Wolf?? He called.
?Uu?. what?? Dango rubbed his eyes.
?I called you a million times! Are you awake?? Dmitri sounded pretty angry.
?Sorry. I was miles away?? Yelled Dango. He opened the door and walked to the stairs. But he stopped. He still felt cold. Then, a voice took him out of a dream state.
?So you sleep while your standing now?? Said Dmitri from the bottom of the stairs.
?Huh? Oh, yeah breakfast?? Dango said lazily. He ran down the stairs, into a kitchen where Talor was already sat down reading the newspaper. Outside, the red sphere that was a magic sun shone on the kitchen floor. There sky was gold and sliver, the colours of magic realms. Dango sat down opposite Talor.
?Have you seen the headline today?? Said Talor.
?No I?ve been having the most terrifying dream ever?? Growled Dango.
?Hey! Don?t act like that! Look!? Talor slid the paper across the table. It was The Magical Times. One of the most popular newspapers around. Then, he spotted a huge bold headline reading:
[b]?Werewolves called to war!?[/b]
Dango groaned.

[b]?Almost 300 hundred wolves have been called up to attack the top world. The captain says,
?We need all the men we can get, even if it means wolves. I myself think as them as equals.? We asked him, ?How could you take in the most dangerous race known to our world??
?Well there only dangerous when they transform. The next full moon is in a month, by then we will have enough poisons to stop the transformation. On the night of the attack, I assure you they will be dangerous. People said it?s a mad idea, but how could I turn down these lot??
?What will you do if by the time of the attack, you don?t have enough men??
?Well, that won?t happen. We have over 2000 men already. I think we?ll have enough by the time of the attack.?
After a few questions, we left the base with a clear view of the attack. Total Annihilation![/b]

Dango laughed. He folded up the newspaper and threw it aside.
?Did you look at the next bit?? Said Talor.
?It?s a load of crap. He?ll have no men left; all the werewolves would have ran off. But some wolves, like me can transform at will.? Dango laughed.
?So you didn?t see the part about ?Werewolves attack Taigul town??? Said Talor smartly.
?Huh?? Dango picked the paper back up and scrolled down it.

[b]Werewolves found dead in Taigul town. Also, people found dead! Villagers say there were 5 wolves, 4 men and a wizard. There were claw scratches on a tree, blood all over the ground, and one wolf was found with a sliver knife in it?s back?[/b]

Dango froze. He continued to stare at it.

[b]This is said to be the work of a thief or more likely to be a wizard. Why or when this happened is still la mystery. But this is the latest case of Murder. It is said to be connected to the attack due to take place in 4 months.[/b]

Dango stared down. He threw the paper aside.
[i]Ok, that?s just coincidence?. [/i]
He calmly thought to himself.
[i]THE HELL IT IS!!![/i]
He walked out of the kitchen and grabbed his leather coat.
?Hey!? Where the hell are you going?? Yelled Dmitri.
?Out.? Dango said in a shallow voice. He took his house card (instead of keys) and unlocked the door.
?You haven?t had breakfast!? Yelled Talor.
?I?ll get some later. I have to sort something out?? Dango didn?t quiet know what he was going to do, but he had to find out what was going on.
?Well I?m coming too!? Yelled Talor. Dmitri stepped away from the cooker and walked to them both standing at the door.
?ME TOO!? He smiled. Dango groaned.
[i]Why me?[/i]


Chapter one, what'd think? The remake will be much, much better. Now I have to go finish The Dragon King.[/SIZE]

[eleanor]

[size=1]Chapter One.
Land beneath Ours.



Humans are one of the most intelligent races in the universe. Well, they [strike]where.[/strike] [color=red]were. [/color] Until ever[color=red]y[/color] one else knew the secret to [strike]there[/strike][color=red]their[/color] planet. Humans thought they where [color=red] were[/color] the only things in the universe, some thought there where others, but they [strike]where[/strike] [color=red]were[/color] millions of [color=red] It might be better to put 'millions [i]and[/i] zillions [/color] zillions of miles away. Little did they know, another race and world was right next-door, right under their noses. But to be exact, another race lived right under them.

Under them, was a world with little rules, and the people below, [color=red] no comma[/color] wanted what they had. But they had a plan, and would soon get the top world?

~

?Kill? Dango, [color=red] no comma[/color]walked through the dark forest. His mind was battling against the full moon, and his spiky hair growing longer.
?Transform?. KILL!!? A voice repeated in his head. His eyes went red, and [strike]his body growing.[/strike] [color=red] it should either be 'his body [i]was[/i] growing' or 'his body [i]grew[/i][/color]His head [color=red]was[/color] falling apart in the wind. He never felt like this before. He was alone, under the full moon. For once[color=red],[/color] he didn?t want to transform. The full moon was indeed real. They didn?t live in the ground, but it was in fact a magic realm, where the moon reached and the sun shone. Dango feel [color=red] fell[/color] on the ground, and the cold grass pressed on his chest.


?KILL!? Dango let it go. He couldn?t hold it in any more. The moon shone on him, and he began to transform. He got up, and his shadow cast over the trees. His face began to grow into a snout, and his fangs grew larger, his hands grew claws, and his hair stretched down his body. Then, he jumped up. His snout was wide open, and huge fangs stuck in his mouth. His tail was black, and most of his fur was black and grey. His gold pants flicked in the moonlight.
?KILL?.? Dango looked around. His hands clenched.
?I TOLD YOU TO KILL!? A cold voice said. He didn?t know who it was, or where it was coming from. Dango became scared. His wolf ears flicked.
?KILL!!!!? Shouted the cold voice. Dango looked around, he jumped to the nearest tree and began to rip it with his claws.
?FOOL!? Yelled a voice. Dango stopped, and then looked around. Suddenly, something began to hurt inside. His head began to burn. He howled louder and louder. His head was being attacked by something?. something inside him. He howled louder, biting himself, to fight it off. But he howled louder. His scratched at himself, and growled.
?NEVER DISOBEY ME!? Said the voice. Then, the burning pain went away. Dango looked up. His arm was full of bite marks and blood. He howled slowly, and is eye caught the sight of some one. He turned around to find a man in a cloak, with a knife in his hand and a hood. Dango couldn?t see him, but then he noticed his hood moved down by it?s self. Dango sniffed with his long snout, and growled. The man had a skull like face, with red eyes and a snaked tongue.
?You brought this on yourself?.? He hissed. The man drifted forward, and Dango noticed what the knife was. Pure, shining, Sliver. Dango howled and tried to run away, but he could hardly move. His head felt cold and he began to think this was it, his final night. He fell on his knees, and tried to shake off the cold feel.
?I should have never chosen you?.? Said the man. He bent down, and placed the knife on Dango?s back. Dango couldn?t fight back. He couldn?t move?His eyes widened as he felt a burning knife jab into his back?

Dango jumped up out of bed, yelling. He almost banged into a man with brown hair over his left eye.
[color=red]?Dango? Are you ok? You where howling in your sleep and yelling?? The man said. Dmitri, his best friend. Dmitri wore red pants, and wasn?t fully dressed. He had nothing on his top and no shoes on. Dango looked around. Dmitri?s bed was beside his, and the room had one window. [/color] Maybe a better sentence could be 'Dmitri wore his wrinkled red pants, but he wasn't fully dressed for his top was bare and his feet were open to the cold floor.'[/color]
?Urgh?what time is it?? Dango?s voice was dull and cold.
?Time you got. Talor?s cookin? breakfast." Said Dmitri running down the stairs.
?Oh right?. WHAT!?? Dango jumped out of bed and put his sliver jeans on. The sunlight shone on his face. His tail swadded side to side as he put on his black boots. Then, he felt a burn in his back?. like his dream?he feel on his knees, sweating. The pain slowly wore off. A man with long red hair and blue cloths on popped his head round from the stairs.
?Are you com?? The man stopped. He was called Talor. Rad?s seconded best friend.
?You don?t look so good.? Talor walked to Dango, whose breath was deep and heavy.
?Err, I?ll be down in a sec?? Dango said slowly.
?You sure your ok?? Talor said as he walked to the stairs.
?Yeah.? He heard Talor run down the stairs, banging as he went. Dango grabbed a red shirt, and pulled it over his head. He walked across the room, and in a door. He closed it behind him and looked in his bathroom mirror. A thousand thoughts flew through his head.
Who was that guy?
Was it really a dream?
Why did my transformation hurt?
Why did my personality towards a human change?
Although Talor was a human, people that told him to kill, would find a fist in their face. But, this time he obeyed the human?he was afraid, so he attacked a tree instead of a person?
Why?
He thought to himself, until the deep voice of Dmitri called.
?Are you there? Hello? Mr. Wolf?? He called.
?Uu?. what?? Dango rubbed his eyes.
?I called you a million times! Are you awake?? Dmitri sounded pretty angry.
?Sorry. I was miles away?? Yelled Dango. He opened the door and walked to the stairs. But he stopped. He still felt cold. Then, a voice took him out of a dream state.
?So you sleep while your standing now?? Said Dmitri from the bottom of the stairs.
?Huh? Oh, yeah breakfast?? Dango said lazily. He ran down the stairs, into a kitchen where Talor was already sat down reading the newspaper. Outside, the red sphere that was a magic sun shone on the kitchen floor. There sky was gold and sliver, the colours of magic realms. Dango sat down opposite Talor.
?Have you seen the headline today?? Said Talor.
?No I?ve been having the most terrifying dream ever?? Growled Dango.
?Hey! Don?t act like that! Look!? Talor slid the paper across the table. It was The Magical Times. One of the most popular newspapers around. Then, he spotted a huge bold headline reading:
?Werewolves called to war!?
Dango groaned.

[color=red]?Almost 300 hundred wolves have been called up to attack the top world. The captain says,
?We need all the men we can get, even if it means wolves. I myself think as them as equals.? We asked him, ?How could you take in the most dangerous race known to our world??
?Well there only dangerous when they transform. The next full moon is in a month, by then we will have enough poisons to stop the transformation. On the night of the attack, I assure you they will be dangerous. People said it?s a mad idea, but how could I turn down these lot??
?What will you do if by the time of the attack, you don?t have enough men??
?Well, that won?t happen. We have over 2000 men already. I think we?ll have enough by the time of the attack.?
After a few questions, we left the base with a clear view of the attack. Total Annihilation![/color] --The wording was a bit blurry and confusing.

Dango laughed. He folded up the newspaper and threw it aside.
?Did you look at the next bit?? Said Talor.
?It?s a load of crap. He?ll have no men left; all the werewolves would have ran off. But some wolves, like me can transform at will.? Dango laughed.
?So you didn?t see the part about ?Werewolves attack Taigul town??? Said Talor smartly.
?Huh?? Dango picked the paper back up and scrolled down it.

Werewolves found dead in Taigul town. Also, people found dead! Villagers say there were 5 wolves, 4 men and a wizard. There were claw scratches on a tree, blood all over the ground, and one wolf was found with a sliver knife in it?s back?

Dango froze. He continued to stare at it.

This is said to be the work of a thief or more likely to be a wizard. Why or when this happened is still la mystery. But this is the latest case of Murder. It is said to be connected to the attack due to take place in 4 months.

Dango stared down. He threw the paper aside.
Ok, that?s just coincidence?.
He calmly thought to himself.
THE HELL IT IS!!!
He walked out of the kitchen and grabbed his leather coat.
?Hey!? Where the hell are you going?? Yelled Dmitri.
?Out.? Dango said in a shallow voice. He took his house card (instead of keys) and unlocked the door.
?You haven?t had breakfast!? Yelled Talor.
?I?ll get some later. I have to sort something out?? Dango didn?t quiet know what he was going to do, but he had to find out what was going on.
?Well I?m coming too!? Yelled Talor. Dmitri stepped away from the cooker and walked to them both standing at the door.
?ME TOO!? He smiled. Dango groaned.
Why me?


Chapter one, what'd think? The remake will be much, much better. Now I have to go finish The Dragon King.[/size]

[color=royalblue] Nice story/plot so far, your idea has thousands of possible ways of developing itself into a great story. You're a having some problems with grammar, and I corrected most of it at the beginning to sort of show you examples. The flowing of sentences and detail it important, so try and make use of that.

My style of writing [when it comes to stories] will inevitably be different from yours, so don't pay much attention to my sentence change suggestions. It's just my personal opinion, but nothing was really wrong with any of your writings.

It's good that you have lots of dialogue; some people will try and avoid it because it's hard to write sometimes. Great first chapter, I hope to see more! ^_^[/color]

[Vicky]

[SIZE=1][B]^_^ Thanks, I guess it could improve a lot more, and I can't believe what I've gotten myself into... I'll be here all year typing the second draft, let along finishing the third!

Here's the second chapter... I think it went a bit "wrong"....

Uhh... I was going to get it up now, but the Document isn't responding again, so I'll try and fix it and get the next chapter up![/SIZE][/B]