Writing Love, the Murderer [short story]

[Patronus]

In a recent burst of emotions, and a recent rejection by my first true love, I decided to write this short story. Now I'm warning you, it isn't detailed, it isn't anything like a proper story should be written. I like to call it [i]Story by Emotion[/i], in that it was purely my emotions writing.

I thought this concept up after a dream, in which I was in the parking lot of his work place, in the rain, staring at him. Please tell me what you think.




I stood there, staring at him. It was pouring down the rain, and I was soaked. I looked like a wet dog, but cared nonetheless. Seeing his face was keeping me there. I didn?t budge from the spot, in the middle of the parking lot. He didn?t even see me there, he didn?t look up at all. He was working in front of the window. [i]Surely[/i], he would?ve seen me.

Unless he chose not to see me. I mean, finding out that [i]I[/i] loved [i]him[/i] wasn?t the easiest thing to swallow. Maybe he just wanted me out of his life, gone, forever. Although I wished this wasn?t the case, I felt that it had to be, or else he would?ve glanced up, looking at me.

But he didn?t. So I decided I need to talk to him. Talking had always worked for me - through everything I?ve gone through it my life, talking was one of the things that made them better. Terry was a talker, I knew that, of course. He wasn?t ashamed of anything, and talked about [i]anything[/i]. That?s one of the qualities I liked about him. Other than, of course, his great smile, his caring nature, and just about anything else you could think about him.

I sighed as I began to walk towards the entrance to Sonic, where most people would never walk through. I kept my eyes down while I made my journey, that is, until I heard the bell on the door ring. I lifted my head and saw Derek walking out, putting his jacket on and readying his umbrella.

[i]I bet he?s wondering what the hell I?m doing here[/i], I thought to myself. I guessed if I said something first, it would be less awkward. I called his name, but he just kept walking, not even turning his head. He crossed the parking lot, and I yelled his name again, but with no response. Sigh. No one was paying attention to me. I hadn?t realized my love was [i]that[/i] forbidden.

I sighed heavily and continued to the door. I put my hand on the handle, and it was oddly cold, but opened it without a second thought. I entered the fast food restaurant and heard people scrambling to get orders completed, orders taken, and even more. To add to the noise, the radio was blaring the local radio station: [i]KWYK 101.5[/i].

I saw him, there, as soon as I walked in. He was working his little heart out, and I almost felt that it was too small of a thing to burden him with. But, I didn?t turn around and leave, I stepped forward and moved toward him. He was an arm?s length away from me, and I reached out to tap his shoulder. Before I could, he moved away, moving across the restaurant.

[i]Am I that unnoticeable?[/i] I thought to myself, as I followed him, although feeling out of place. People I knew - Bridgett, Sean, and more - all ignored me to the same extent in which Terry and Derek had. It was weird, but I didn?t pay much attention to them, either.

Terry had stopped in front of the fryer, and began to work with the French fries. I leaned in so he could hear me over the sizzle of the machine, and whispered in his ear, ?Terry.? He slightly turned his head, lifting my heart, but just turned it back.

I moved to stand beside him, and he looked at me, into my eyes. Finally, some attention. He didn?t say anything, and he didn?t look as if he was paying attention to me. Although I felt he wasn?t paying the least bit of attention to the fourteen year old in front of him, I reached my hand out and touched his face. He didn?t do anything. I leaned in to kiss him, and he just walked away, as if I wasn?t even there.

I looked down at my hands. I [i]wasn?t[/i] even there, to him, or any one else, for that matter. I had suddenly realized why everyone was acting like I was invisible. Being rejected by the love of my life, the most important person in my world, had been to much for me. My own rejection, his lack of feelings for me, had taken its toll. I was dead. Not being able to feel his warmth, not being able to enjoy his presence, not being able to laugh and smile with him like once before, killed me.

[Shinmaru]

I'm not usually keen on stories that are dramatized like this, but I think it works well here.

The story flows well, the symbolism of being invisible is used well and it isn't [i]too[/i] dramatized, which is a plus; overdramatizing could've hurt his work, I think.

There are a few mistakes here and there but, as you mentioned, you wrote this up quickly, so the mistakes can be corrected. Overall, you have yourself a good short story here :)