Writing Darkness

[Shinmaru]

Since my poetry thread is a bit lonely (meaning nobody has posted in it since the dawn of time), I've decided just to make a seperate thread for this poem. Anyway, like most of my writing, a small idea formed in my head. Throughout the course of the day, this poem has been slowly evolving into what it is right now. I'm still not totally satisfied with the product right now, but eh.

This poem has two distinct influences, both of which could be easy to spot of difficult to spot, depending on what your interests are and how perceptive you are. If you can spot both, then you are immediately awesome lol. Anyway, that's enough pretense; let's get to the poem, shall we?

"[b]Darkness[/b]"

Sitting in the darkness of night
Contemplating the absence of light
I can't understand my plight
Everything just doesn't seem right
Walking down the hall to the door
Could've sworn I've been here before
Listened to the lore of yore
Save it, I've heard it all before

Sometimes y'know it ain't easy
But I know how hard it can be
The way things are goin'
They're gonna crucify me

Sitting in the heart of darkness
Brooding like the sunset below
Send in the graves to get me
I'll be haunted like Marlow
I'm descending into the depths
Darkness from beginning to end
The sky is falling all around
No more stars for me to ascend

Sometimes y'know it ain't easy
But I know how hard it can be
The way things are goin'
They're gonna crucify me

Sitting in the darkness of night
All alone without any light
Disappear at the end of the day
Abstract in its thoughts and ways
Murkiness at the end of the road
Warped and twisted and skewed
Reality exists no more
Only you can see the truth

Sometimes y'know it ain't easy
But I know how hard it can be
The way things are goin'
They're gonna crucify me

So, there you have it - what do you think? Good, bad, ugly? Suggestions, praise, torment, whatever you want to post, doesn't matter to me - as long as it's not spammy :p

[Mimmsicle]

[COLOR=darkred]I will not analyze the poem, Shin. At least not in depth *rolls eyes* ;]

Even though it rhymes, it does not come off as mundane or repetitive. It acts as emphasis instead.

It is not too emotional, yet not devoid from feelings. You've achieved a balance of sort.

I liked it a lot Shin, you have a nice approach to poetry[i] *nods approvingly*[/i]

- Mimmi ^__^[/COLOR]

[Shinmaru]

Thanks for the reply, Mimmi; definitely appreciated :)

Here's a little quick poem that I've decided to jot down right now, heh. Hope it's enjoyable (by the way, I couldn't think up a name for this, haha).

We all want something fair
We all want what's never there
We all want better lives
We all want the butterflies

Just ignore the pangs, they'll go away
Just ignore the needs, they'll go away
Just ignore the desires, they'll go away
Just ignore the wants, they'll go away

~

Whoo, that was quite fun, aye?

[KarmaOfChaos]

[color=deeppink]
Unlike Mimmi, I have no life and I am bored, so I shall analyze your poetry thusly!

Darkness:

The main message of this poem was that it had gotten to the point where the pretty lights had dimmed, the exciment and joy had faded in a jaded apathy, and that the beautiful facade had fallen apart to reveal a dull, dangerous darkness beneath.

"Murkiness at the end of the road
Warped and twisted and skewed
Reality exists no more
Only you can see the truth"

This line was [i]really[/i] done well. That reality had to be twisted and erased to see truth. (Or at least that's how I percieved the lines.) So reality is not always truth. Excellent!

I'm guessing Marlow is a reference to some historical figure or something...I've never heard of him. (Or her.) Care to digress?

The bell has just rung, and PE is waiting. I'll reply to the second poem later, TTFN!

-Karma
[/color]

[Mimmsicle]

[COLOR=darkred][b]Good thing I can count on Karmi to save my analytical weakness[/b] ;)

[i]*feels discussion urge come onto her*[/i]
[/color][color=indigo]
Are you saying that we should ignore what we feel, because the pain isn't worth it ? Should we give up on what we want, simply because we can't have it ?

Do you mean that we can smother these things and keep going.... with what ?
If there is no desire, want, need and difficulty ... what is left ? What is it you mean we should use, work with ?
[/color]
[color=darkred]
..... Heh, that was just me playing intellectual and passionate.[size=1] (feel free to ignore that, I was just having fun :p)
[/size] Here's a somewhat more basic reply:
[/color][quote]"We all want something fair
We all want what's never there
We all want better lives
We all want the butterflies"[/quote][color=darkred]
Yes, fantasies are easier to live with - beauty seems so painfree.
[/color][quote]"Just ignore the pangs, they'll go away
Just ignore the needs, they'll go away
Just ignore the desires, they'll go away
Just ignore the wants, they'll go away"[/quote][color=darkred]
Live in the present, take what you can get and make that as desirable as what you dream of. Or.... make your fantasies reality and live in that.

- Mimmi ^___^[/COLOR]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=1]You know the poems you read and can immediately picture it as a song? Well, this was one of them. I thought it was fabulous.

It was rhythmical and it rhymed and it had a message and a chorus and everything. ^_^

I agree with what Karma said, especially about the lines,
[i]Murkiness at the end of the road
Warped and twisted and skewed
Reality exists no more
Only you can see the truth[/i].

I thought they were fantastic. And, well, I thought the whole poem was fantastic.[/size]

[Shinmaru]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by KarmaOfChaos [/i]
[B][color=deeppink]Darkness:

The main message of this poem was that it had gotten to the point where the pretty lights had dimmed, the exciment and joy had faded in a jaded apathy, and that the beautiful facade had fallen apart to reveal a dull, dangerous darkness beneath.

"Murkiness at the end of the road
Warped and twisted and skewed
Reality exists no more
Only you can see the truth"

This line was [i]really[/i] done well. That reality had to be twisted and erased to see truth. (Or at least that's how I percieved the lines.) So reality is not always truth. Excellent!

I'm guessing Marlow is a reference to some historical figure or something...I've never heard of him. (Or her.) Care to digress?[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

That's actually disturbingly close to my thought process throughout the whole thing, heh. I tried to capture the descent into darkness through the whole thing...I'm guessing I did well, aye?

That one part in particular is the one part that underwent heavy tweaking. That part was very, very different after I finished the first draft of the poem...didn't go well with the rest of it at all, I thought, so I changed it into what you see right there ^_^

Marlow is kind of a historical figure you could say...he's a famous literary character from a book I'm currently reading. There are quite a few references to it in the poem if they catch your eye *hint hint* ~_^

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mimmi [/i]
[B][COLOR=darkred][i]*feels discussion urge come onto her*[/i]
[/color][color=indigo]
Are you saying that we should ignore what we feel, because the pain isn't worth it ? Should we give up on what we want, simply because we can't have it ?

Do you mean that we can smother these things and keep going.... with what ?
If there is no desire, want, need and difficulty ... what is left ? What is it you mean we should use, work with ?
[/color]
[color=darkred]
..... Heh, that was just me playing intellectual and passionate.[size=1] (feel free to ignore that, I was just having fun :p)
[/size] Here's a somewhat more basic reply:
[/color][color=darkred]
Yes, fantasies are easier to live with - beauty seems so painfree.
[/color][color=darkred]
Live in the present, take what you can get and make that as desirable as what you dream of. Or.... make your fantasies reality and live in that.[/COLOR] [/B][/QUOTE]

My poems are actually inspiring intelligent thought :D

The desire to want is what sometimes keeps us from getting what we want, I think. We are so caught up in what we think we want that we lose all rationale and that's kind of what I was going for here. Of course, it's also good to have dreams and to want to go after them - however, dreams are a double-edged sword.

Of course, I bet my entire stance on this poem will probably change soon, haha. Sometimes, I even forget what my own stuff means :p

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lady Asphyxia [/i]
[B][size=1]You know the poems you read and can immediately picture it as a song? Well, this was one of them. I thought it was fabulous.

It was rhythmical and it rhymed and it had a message and a chorus and everything. ^_^
[/size] [/B][/QUOTE]

I'm glad you enjoyed it ^_^ I prefer writing poems in a more songlike nature...it's far easier for me to work with (plus, I usually listen to music while I write poems, so it's hard for me to avoid it lol). Plus, I just really enjoy the rhythms of certain songs...cool, cool stuff, in my opinion.

Thanks for the replies, everyone - definitely appreciated ^_^;

[Mimmsicle]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Shinmaru [/i]
[B] There are quite a few references to it in the poem if they catch your eye *hint hint* ~_^[/B][/QUOTE]
[COLOR=darkred]I've never read it, but I'm guessing you're referring to "Catcher in the Rye" ? (sp?) [/COLOR]
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Shinmaru [/i]
[B]The desire to want is what sometimes keeps us from getting what we want, I think. We are so caught up in what we think we want that we lose all rationale and that's kind of what I was going for here. Of course, it's also good to have dreams and to want to go after them - however, dreams are a double-edged sword. [/B][/QUOTE]
[COLOR=darkred]I heard what you we're saying Shin, I just wanted to hear you say it ^__^

If you have more poems, then I would very much like to read them. They seem to have a positive effect on my desire for a brain ~_^

- Mimmi[/COLOR]

[Shinmaru]

Wrote a couple more poems yesterday. The first one is kind of a quickie poem...feels incomplete to me, but I'm not sure how to end it. I'll probably end up editing it later on, heh.

[b]Fell in Love[/b]

I fell in love with a girl
But my heart wouldn't stop
And my eyes kept bleeding
She's in love with the world
But the world wouldn't stop
And it kept on spinning
Everything she loves
Is right in front of me
But it's really funny
It's considered cheating now

I fell in love with a girl
But my heart couldn't stop
And my eyes were greedy
She's in love with the world
But she wanted too much
And the world kept on spinning
Everything she loves
Is right behind of me
But it's really funny
It's considered cheating now

This next poem I enjoy much more, feels more complete.

[b]Comfortable and Numb[/b]

Hello, can you hear me?
I've tried and no one can see
I can't feel a thing
'Cause everything's the same
I turn toward the light
Blinded by purity
Comfortable and numb
Blind with eyes that no longer see
I feel it in my heart
Everything is gonna be right
Rising in the west
Setting in the east
I'll follow the light

Hello, can you hear me?
I've tried and no one can see
Everyone is one
And she bores the hell out of me
I turn toward the light
Differences are clear to me
Miles down the road
Hoping for a sight to see
Comfortable and numb
Sitting on the throne with me
God laughs at men
But she'll laugh with me

Hello, can you hear me?
I've tried and no one can see
Everyone is gone
But the light was left with me
God pulled a cruel joke
But I wasn't there to see
I was setting in the east
Ready to die for me
Comfortable and numb
Nothing will change for me
But the light will come forth
And say that she'll love me
The light will come forth
And say that she'll love me

[eleanor]

[color=firebrick] "Darkness"
-At the beginning your pattern was AAAABBBB, and you did use the word 'before' two times, and it was a little boring and monotonous.

[i]Sitting in the heart of darkness
Brooding like the sunset below
Send in the graves to get me
I'll be haunted like Marlow
[/i]

I think that part had good flow, sort of a natural ryhming. You should try and use that more often, it's not as obvious as ryhmes such as 'cat' and 'hat', so many poets and writers prefer it. Of course, the fifth stanza was my favorite. Nice poem. Was is based off the book?

"Fell in Love"

[i][b]I fell in love with a girl
But my heart wouldn't stop
And my eyes kept bleeding[/b]
?____________________?

[b]She's in love with the world
But the world wouldn't stop
And it kept on spinning[/b]
?____________________?

Everything she loves
Is right in front of me
But it's really funny
It's considered cheating now[/i]

I really started out liking the bolded lines, it was very much like the beginning of a song and has a very nice beat to it. Now, the fourth line was sort of iffy since it didn't really connect with the third line. Maybe if you added a new line and made the rest of that stanza a new one... Same goes for the second part of the poem. I'm sorry if this is making you feel like I'm destroying your poem...^_^;; It's just only my personal preference. Nice poem.

I really like your poems, Shinmaru, they're actually the first pomes I've really read on OB and I'm very pleased. I would suggest that when you're writing the poems you keep in mind sort of a rythmic [sp?] beat of some sort. Hope to see more. ^_^.[/color]

[Shinmaru]

[QUOTE=maladjusted][color=firebrick] "Darkness"
-At the beginning your pattern was AAAABBBB, and you did use the word 'before' two times, and it was a little boring and monotonous.

[i]Sitting in the heart of darkness
Brooding like the sunset below
Send in the graves to get me
I'll be haunted like Marlow
[/i]

I think that part had good flow, sort of a natural ryhming. You should try and use that more often, it's not as obvious as ryhmes such as 'cat' and 'hat', so many poets and writers prefer it. Of course, the fifth stanza was my favorite. Nice poem. Was is based off the book?

"Fell in Love"

[i][b]I fell in love with a girl
But my heart wouldn't stop
And my eyes kept bleeding[/b]
?____________________?

[b]She's in love with the world
But the world wouldn't stop
And it kept on spinning[/b]
?____________________?

Everything she loves
Is right in front of me
But it's really funny
It's considered cheating now[/i]

I really started out liking the bolded lines, it was very much like the beginning of a song and has a very nice beat to it. Now, the fourth line was sort of iffy since it didn't really connect with the third line. Maybe if you added a new line and made the rest of that stanza a new one... Same goes for the second part of the poem. I'm sorry if this is making you feel like I'm destroying your poem...^_^;; It's just only my personal preference. Nice poem.

I really like your poems, Shinmaru, they're actually the first pomes I've really read on OB and I'm very pleased. I would suggest that when you're writing the poems you keep in mind sort of a rythmic [sp?] beat of some sort. Hope to see more. ^_^.[/color][/QUOTE]

Well, I think I'm on and off with my rhyming lol. Some poems I'll rhyme and with others, I won't. It just depends on what comes out, really. Usually, I don't make drastic changes to first drafts of poems ("Darkness" was an exception - I thought about the last part for a while).

So, yeah, don't feel like you're destroying my poetry - those are just your personal preferences and that's fine. My preference is just to go with whatever comes out; I think it reflects my personality fairly well, actually.

Anyway, I tried to come up with two poems to post but the second one was pure crap, so I'll just post the one I wrote yesterday. Enjoy.

[b]Puppet Show[/b]

One puppet says
"I want to be happy!"
The other puppet says
"I want to be free!"
Now which do you think
Really wants what he means?

One puppet says
"I want to be rich!"
The other puppet says
"I still want to be free!"
Given a choice
Between greed and a voice
Which puppet do you think is happy?

One puppet says
"I want to be famous!"
The other puppet says
"I always want to be free!"
We're pulling the strings
Nobody wants these things
Does anyone ever become happy?
Welcome to the puppet show
Welcome to the puppet show!
Welcome...to the puppet show!

[Mimmsicle]

[size=1][color=#800000]Heh, I was beaten to replying to the previous poem... so I'll just go with this one =P[/color][/size]
[size=1][color=#800000]And as always when I read something that strikes that part of me that can only feel, not express, I will probably make no sense ^_^; [/color][/size]

[size=1][color=#800000]It seems like the first puppet is constantly craving something more (and I'm guessing it get's what he wishes for ?) and it still isn't satisfied.[/color][/size]

[size=1][color=#800000]The other puppet wants only the one thing, but does it get freedom ? Or is it expressing how that is all it needs, to be happy ?[/color][/size]
[size=1][color=#800000]I'm sure one can read it as one pleases, I'm just curious as to what you were thinking as you wrote it ~_^[/color][/size]

[size=1][color=black]"We're pulling the strings"[/color] [color=#800000]... yes, we decide whether or not we are happy with what we have/get. Sometimes we are content with our sitatuation, at other times we demand what we think will make us happier.[/color][/size]

[size=1][color=#800000]This was a very good read, I don't know how else to put it. It was very subtle, but was right on the beat of what it wanted to say. Sweet. Very sweet ^_^[/color][/size]

[size=1][color=#800000]- Mimmi[/color][/size]

[Mitch]

[size=1][color=red] The first one was inspired by Joseph Conrad's [i]Heart of Darkness[/i] (the other inspiration I don't know). You mention the the title, [i]Heart of Darkness[/i], as well as a character--Marlow--in the poem, making it obvious that is where some of this poem came from.

[quote]Sitting in the heart of darkness
Brooding like the sunset below
Send in the graves to get me
I'll be haunted like Marlow[/quote]

Now, I liked "Darkness" more than any other poem in this thread. It's the most refined (or so I think) and seems to have more to it than the rest. The main reason I like this poem above the rest is quite a small reason. There is one stanza that is repeated around three times in the poem. This stanza functions just like the heart. It is in the middle, it is beating, and alive. It is full of veins and blood pumping to it.

This whole poem is able to live from it.[/size][/color]

[quote]Sometimes y'know it ain't easy
But I know how hard it can be
The way things are goin'
They're gonna crucify me[/quote]

[size=1][color=red] The use of vernacular in this sentence gives it a nice feeling of lyrics; the feeling this stanza could easily be sang. Most of your poems do feel like songs, which I seem to find likeness in. A multitude of my poems are like this as wel;.

The use of the vernacular also just feels right in this sentence, and the picture of crucifixion is a strong one indeed. It is synonymous with the death of Jesus Christ, and in this age in time, is seen as a terrible act by some. On a side note, few seem realize crucifixion was a common thing back then. And that sometimes they didn't even use nails, but instead used rope. But, this is beside the point entirely I'd say. I suppose this shows you how this image works in my mind. It immediately brought me to think of religion, which I'm sure it did a many other people.

I also like how you stick to being vague in this stanza, yet you're able to still make a powerful, good picture for what you're saying. Using the plural pronoun "they," it leads the reader to think, "Who is 'they'?" And it makes the poem longer than it is (since the reader will think), and also lets the reader choose who "they" is for themselves, even if what the reader comes to isn't what you meant by "they."

The second poem is too short to really be much. I'll just leave it where it is. I didn't find it too good, considering "Darkness" is far better. But it's fine. At least you wrote something, you know? Yeah, you know.

Moving on. When I saw the title of this poem,[/size][/color]

[quote] Fell in Love[/quote]

[size=1][color=red]I immediately thought of the White Stripe's "Fell in Love with a Girl." I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I'd like to say that's what I thought when I saw it.

As for the poem. I'm not much for love poems, really. Most of them seem the same. I'm in for love poems that have originality in them, or look at love from a different angle than just, "Love is so beautiful," and whatnot else. This poem definitely goes in the "Love is so beautiful" category.

Although, on a side note, as far as love poems go, I love e.e. cumming's poems about love. His are great. Read "since feeling is first." First poem of his I read. It was amazing. I have a whole collection of all his poems--it's worth it, definitely. He's my favorite poet, I think.

Look at this:[/size][/color]

[quote] I fell in love with a girl
But my heart couldn't stop
And my eyes were greedy
She's in love with the world
But she wanted too much
And the world kept on spinning
Everything she loves
Is right behind of me
But it's really funny
It's considered cheating now[/quote]

[size=1][color=red] The change to the pronoun "it" at the end of the stanza is way too abrupt. What is "it" that you're referring to, by the way? Are you referring to her, or are you referring to the world? If it's her, just put "she's considering cheating now." Or something along those lines. If it's the world, well, put the world in there. Putting "it" in there in place of the world (if that's what "it" is referring to) isn't good at all.

Well, I'm being forced offline by my mom.

I'd like to also mention that the "Comfortable and Numb" poem is quite obviously inspired by Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb." You use the opening lines, [/size][/color]

[quote]Hello,
is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home? . . .[/quote]

[size=1][color=red] And you see the opening lines of your poem. The "Hello" is there.

Pink Floyd rocks by the way, and anyone that thinks elsewise I don't know.

Ah, one thing I wanted to ask. I'm guessing you listen to music when you write?

I do.[/size][/color]

[Shinmaru]

Yes, I believe you've hit the nail right on the head, Mitch. I enjoyed reading your critique very much ^_^

Yes, for Darkness, [U]Heart of Darkness[/U], or at least some of the prevailing themes of the book, were an inspiration for that particular poem. The other main inspiration was The Ballad of John and Yoko by The Beatles - I really love the simple tune of that song and I thought the chorus of that particular song was fantastic. I had a fun time writing Darkness, heh.

And Comfortably Numb was definitely a big inspiration for Comfortable and Numb (in more ways than the title of the poem, heh). The tune of the song was the biggest thing for me...the song flows amazingly well and the tune really brings it together. Fantastic song, I think, and representative of why Pink Floyd rules.

Just about anytime I write poetry, I'm listening to music (and when I'm not, I'm going over tunes in my head). Basically, all of my work is inspired by either 1) An experience I've gone through or am currently going through 2) An idea I've been thinking about or 3) A song I've been listening to (oftentimes, a combination of any of these elements). Music is definitely a big part of my writing - I doubt my poems would be half as good if I didn't have music to help me keep my rhythm, heh.

[Snufkin]

Yet somehow I don't see that happening :p If he ever did I imagine them as being Shel Silverstein-esque poems. Anyway, on to my comments ^_^

"Darkness" - I thought this was an intrigueing poem and I got the overrall message but not any of the 'hidden' things within the poem. Oh well, who said you had to understand poetry to write it anyway. And you got The Ballad of John and Yoko stuck in my head now, thanks a bunch, hehe.

I actually really, really enjoyed your short poem. Especially the line 'We all want the butterflies'. It reminded me of CowBoy Bebop the movie...when they see the butterflies forever flying in the sky as little lights...

"Fell in Love" seems to stop too soon. Not a bad poem, but it just felt like you got tired of writing and just decided to end it. Unique style though ^_^

"Comfortable and Numb" - excellent poem o.o; The rhyming scheme, barely noticable when I first read it, was well thought out and the way it flows was fantastic! (I need that thesauras...heh...must expand vocabulary ^^; ) I think I'll put this at the top of my favorites list for now ^^

"Puppet Show" is another of my favorites because you conveyed a strong messaged while keeping things nice and simple ^_^ Plus I love the idea of puppets...mwahahaha. This makes me want to take a tennis racket and smack the first puppet while cutting the other's strings. People really do have weird wishes, but eh, that's what this world is made of.

Nyaa nyaa, maybe I'll post some of my poetry ^^; I just need to find something that's actually good to post first.

[Shinmaru]

I never thought this thread would reach two pages. Heh.

---

All this work and no time to play
Everywhere we're going
We've got nothing to say
Clip one of my wings
And force me to fly
Jump off a bridge
And watch me die
Send in the calvary
To come after me
Lift me back up
With one clipped wing
One clipped wing
One clipped wing
Got lots of friends
But you got no children
No innocence
To see in a friend
Wash off my body
And watch me dry
Clip off my wing
And watch it die
Watch it die
Watch it die

Thiiiiiiiis iiiiiiis
This is no liiiiiiiie
Thiiiiiiiis iiiiiiis
This is no liiiiiiiie

Wash me ashore
And clean off my body
Set me off again
So you can force me to fly
High above the clouds
I'm never coming back
To your playground
To your torture rack
With one clipped wing
I'll fly away
Soar across the sky
Fly with the stars in the diamond sky
The diamond sky
The diamond sky
Burn down the bridge
Below the diamond sky
Smoke fills the air
Nobody can fly
Birds of a feather
Flock together
One deformed
And one all better
One all better
One all better

Thiiiiiiiis iiiiiiis
This is no liiiiiiiie
Thiiiiiiiis iiiiiiis
This is no liiiiiiiie

Stare down from nowhere
Hold a broken wing
Stand up tall
And we'll all sing
Find me an angel
Find me a wing
Mend the bones
And we'll all sing

Thiiiiiiiis iiiiiiis
This is no liiiiiiiie
Thiiiiiiiis iiiiiiis
This is no liiiiiiiie